Is this going on the right track?

K

Kitty1106

New member
My boyfriend and I are a super happy power couple going strong for almost 3 years.
We are both kinky and have had a few experiences (together) with other people. We go to the store and we always check girls out and stuff. It is a nice fun connection we have.

Every now and then he has asked me how I would feel if he was to have sex with another woman and I always pretty much said as long as I'm there too because it turns me on to see him with another woman!

Well recently we met a girl from mutual friends we have. She is married with kids. About a month ago they started texting. I didn't know this until a week ago I was using his phone and he was getting some texts from her. Nothing sexual but I had the female instinct that something was up. I asked him and he said he didn't really want to talk about it yet. But he took me on the patio and told me that yes she reached out to him and she's very attracted to him. I explained to him that I'm ok if he has a hookup without me but I asked no mutual friends.

Well he said that is "unrealistic" and it would just never happen. We came to the agreement that it's ok if it's a mutual friend but please let me know. I don't want to go to a function with friends and have no idea they are talking and doing stuff. I told him I don't want to be out of the loop. He assured me he will be honest and open for me as long as I am comfortable with it. Which I am because it turns me on for him to be with another woman!
He asked me if he got any sexy pictures from her would I loke to see and I told him heck yea!!! So he's going to keep me in the loop with the good juicy stuff.

My biggest fear is him falling for another woman. He assured me that it would never happen. He says she would just be a toy and he would put an end to it immediately if anything tried to come between us. He said what we have is 100% real and he plans to marry me.

My worst fear is him falling in love with another woman. Right now they are texting every day and also talking on the phone every day. I told him I don't want him to grow a strong bon with someone else. I much rather it just be about sex. But she is a psychologist and he's been talking to her about life and his kids. I know this because he tells me.

I know it's all new and exciting for him and he talks to her everyday but a part of me is a little scared. Is this normal? I trust everything he has told me and I know he really loves me. I guess I just need a bit of advice from anyone who has had a similar situation.

We have talked about always telling each other and having good communication. The other woman thinks I don't know anything but in reality I do :)
I know I will see her this weekend and I told him I will be completely myself and I don't know "anything" ;)

I really am excited for him and he said he wants to get me video footage! That would be so hot. But I'm concerned because they talk every single day. Is this normal because it's all something new??
 
I'm gonna be brutally honest with you here. I don't like this.

Now...don't get me wrong, there is no One True Way, and my opinion isn't something I consider to be a golden gospel, alright?

But let me ask you something...are you deliberately disrespecting this other woman, and any/all other women in the world? Do you think of them as less than people, whose feelings don't matter? Are the sex toys for you? Do you think that you and your man are the only humans on the planet that matter?

Why would your biggest fear be him having feelings for another woman?

Why is that a threat?

Do you think that a person is only able to love one other person at a time? This is the core idea that exists in the very construction of the word, "polyamory." MULTIPLE. LOVES. Not multiple penises or vaginas to play with.

And honestly, sex has the risk of disease and pregnancy attached to it. Why is that not a threat or a "biggest fear?" Why feelings? Feelings only carry a risk of things not working out, a bit of emotional dings and dents that, if you're prepared to be self aware and strong, can actually help you grow.

Do you love your partner for his own Authentic Self, or is he just man-stuff that you've crammed into a container made of your own needs? Is he a person, or a possession? Where is all of this insecurity coming from?

I don't think that it is ever realistic to expect a partner to be "allowed" to have sex with someone else and "not allowed" to develop emotional bonds or feelings. I think it's a crap way to try and control your partner, and a crap disrespect for the third person, who also has feelings. I think that telling other people what they are "allowed" to feel or not, is manipulative behavior and being insecure and jealous doesn't excuse it.

And I think if you have to put those conditions on it, then you are going to have a really hard time trying to be poly. I think that you are OK being a swinger (sex for kink, no relationship) though you are coming to it reluctantly and fearfully, but he wants to be poly, and you're not on the same page. I think you need to talk and see if you can compromise and agree on something, or you're going to have some seriously unmet expectations that are gonna blow things up in the near future.

You're saying "I can do what you want with all of these rules." He was agreeing to rules he couldn't follow, then realizing they aren't realistic, then after having a struggle with them, telling you they won't work...then you are bending and making new rules...which he might wind up breaking.

I think you both need to come to the table with your own "This is what I need/want/can do" and then take each other's position and think on it, and see if you can bend and come together comfortably somewhere, and don't stop until you GENUINELY agree. That is negotiation. And I think you need some. Good luck.

EDIT: I think you mentioned that she is married with kids...does her husband know? Is he being a party to cheating? I would actually have a VERY hard time respecting a man in my life who would do something so icky and unethical as being a party to a huge betrayal, especially when it's "just meaningless sex." It's dehumanizing to the other woman. I wouldn't be happy with a man who was comfortable treating another human being that way. Now I'm not saying that the two of you cannot be swingers and enjoy meaningless sex with another woman for fun with no feels...but maybe do it at a swinger event where people are deliberately doing that, not out in the wild with someone who is a mutual friend.

If her husband knows and is cool with it, then your guy is building a poly thing, which will likely include bonding and feelings. You will then have to decide if you can live with that, or not...
 
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I appreciate your honesty. I know people have feelings and emotions. I've asked him if he's wanting to be poly but he said no. He wants only one relationship and he said he wouldn't gain feelings for another. Now of course anything is possible. And yes diseases and pregnancy is most definitely a concern but we talked about those and were on the same page. Honestly I am more excited for him with all of this than not excited. But I am new to this and I am just trying to understand from different point of views.
 
Kitty1106 said:
I appreciate your honesty. I know people have feelings and emotions. I've asked him if he's wanting to be poly but he said no. He wants only one relationship and he said he wouldn't gain feelings for another. Now of course anything is possible. And yes diseases and pregnancy is most definitely a concern but we talked about those and were on the same page. Honestly I am more excited for him with all of this than not excited. But I am new to this and I am just trying to understand from different point of views.
Click to expand...

So! Setting aside the initial thrills and chills. What about her? What if she develops feelings? Have you talked to her? And what about her husband? Is this an affair, or are they open?

It might be, as I tried to clarify at the end, that SHE is simply a poor choice for this. In fact since she's a mutual friend, the potential for drama is pretty high. The two of you use her for sex to get your kink satisfied (I'm kinky, too, by the way, I'm not judging the kink only the ethics and informed consent levels of things here) and then she catches feels...what then? You two kick her to the curb before it gets out of hand, she gets hurt, and your friendship is gone? Have you thought ahead to what the end might look like?

I really would suggest you look around online and see if there are any swinger parties in your area. The ongoing communication, the fact that she is a mutual friend, and the question of whether she's cheating on husband...all points to too much potential for feelings on somebody's part and nasty hurtful blowups from this.

The other ethical alternative, is to be open to a relationship, IF her husband knows and consents, and recognize that you can't guarantee the outcome...feelings might happen or they might not.

Sorry if I was abrasive. It's just the whole "no feelings allowed" thing, it's pretty common and it usually ends badly, from what I've seen.
 
Kitty1106 said:
We have talked about always telling each other and having good communication. The other woman thinks I don't know anything but in reality I do :)
I know I will see her this weekend and I told him I will be completely myself and I don't know "anything" ;)

I really am excited for him and he said he wants to get me video footage! That would be so hot.
Click to expand...

Apologies if maybe I'm not reading this right -

Are you saying the other woman is under the impression that your boyfriend is cheating, or maybe that you and he have a don't ask, don't tell policy? But your boyfriend plans to show you hot (naked?) pictures she send him, and even videos of her doing sexual things? That is just a HUGE invasion of her privacy :( How would you feel in her shoes, with someone else seeing pictures and videos of you without your consent?

She may honestly be "just a toy" to your boyfriend. Lots of people are able to separate feelings from sex, and just because he's excited about sleeping with her doesn't mean he's going to develop a strong emotional bond with her.

BUT she is still a human being who deserves to be treated with respect, and part of that is being honest with her about the fact that you know what's going on between her and your boyfriend.
 
Oh my goodness, I'd missed that part somehow.

You guys plan to get pics and vids and for him to share them with you, without her knowing?

On top of everything else, this is wandering into VERY unethical territory.

Are you sure she is a mutual friend? If this is how you treat friends...
 
I don't know what the laws where you are say, but where I'm from videoing someone without their permission, or distributing it to third parties without their permission, is flat out illegal. If you and your boyfriend get off on treating people like sex toys then that's all well and good, but you need her full consent. I would be livid in her shoes, even just with the deception of her thinking you don't know about their relationship. She quite literally doesn't know what she's getting involved in, and that's not fair.

As far as worrying about him falling in love with her, it's a pretty common fear that most monogamous people have. How you deal with it is up to you. I would advise against trying to legislate feelings, and instead either a) work on resolving your fears by examining which of your core beliefs are being threatened by this idea, and try to adjust them to something less triggering, or b) give up the idea of either of you exploring others' sexually alone. As others have said, perhaps exploring things from a more formal swinging perspective could be a good fit for you guys. If you are direct about your kinks, and desire to find someone to be your toy/his toy with you as a voyeur, then you have a chance of finding something satisfying for everyone involved. The risk to your friendship circle, her marriage, your relationship with your boyfriend, and your own peace of mind seem pretty high right now.
 
Just wondering...has anyone checked the IP of this OP against that of a few other characters who have wandered in and posted "I'm new and I'm doing icky things to people, be part of my organism and drive a Lamborghini!"

...?

Juuusst wondering.
 
Wow just wow...

I hope op is a troll.
 
Hi Kitty1106,

You mentioned that your boyfriend is communicating a lot with this other woman. Lots of communication tends to lead to emotional connection and you are probably right to be worried that he might fall in love with this other woman. In fact it may have already happened, and he just hasn't told you so.

Sorry, I don't mean to be the bearer of bad news.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
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