Is This Normal Poly Behavior?

fits529

New member
I was fairly new to Poly when I met *Lucas (name change for privacy).
We’re both married. My husband is not Poly but is open to my lifestyle choice, whereas Lucas’ wife is Poly, as well.

What I’m wanting to know is this normal-
We met at a local event, and hit it off right away. The chemistry was instant and we contacted each other via social media and began talking and that’s how we discovered we were in the same lifestyle.
Part of me believed he was only saying he was in the lifestyle to “be that type of guy”. Part of me wanted to believe in his truth.
However, we live 1000s of miles apart, so truth be told it was and has been incredibly hard gauging his true personality.

That being said we’ve both gone through some intensely personal issues along the way; he went through a divorce, me some familial issues - and again I felt like part of why he was getting a divorce was because his wife found out about him being Poly, even though he’s said otherwise. I never met her, I knew her name and knew what she looked like. Due to the nature of his career - his private life had to maintain very private, which I understood 100% why, as did mine.

But when I tell you for a man old enough to know better, I had a hard time following his line of reaction. He won’t explicitly label what we are other than friends. Idk if it’s because he doesn’t want it to have any serious connotations, which with us living so far away from each other, obviously it’s more of a friends with benefits situation. But, I’m the type of person that if involved with someone I need you to check in. He knows that, I’ve said and asked many times. Part of it is because I’m naturally an anxious person, another part is probably because it not necessarily means I’m important, but that he cares about my well-being and understands I care about his. However, I believe he may be a true narcissist. I’ve experienced ghosting, short tantrums, no apologies (until 2 years into this), and whole myriad of other red flags.
I understand with distance our relationship is for lack of better word inconclusive. With the pandemic going on I’ve heard from him probably 4 short texts in the last 2 months, only one phone call in there.
We don’t FaceTime, again due to the nature of his career. I will say he’s gotten better in the last year with communication, but it all seems extremely odd to me. Idk of its because it’s my first long-distance, Poly relationship or what.
Any incite would help. Maybe it’s my lack of trusting that’s causing issues, we’ve talked about that briefly. But again, we don’t communicate as much with the distance, and I’m curious if other long-distance people go through the same issues.
 
It is hard to say what is normal for anyone. What is normal for me. Any relationship I have been in, I have treated as valuable. Typically multiple texts a day, calling in the morning sometime and often in the evening to say goodnight.

I am 1018 miles from my secondary(Ewe). We are in touch daily. I value her.. I enjoy just chatting about life, hobbies, her animals, etc.

Ewe Needs to feel valued as do I. If we do not feel valued, why be in the relationship.

I wish you the best.
 
I'm not seeing any of these problems as specifically relating to poly other than some assumptions you are making about his divorce. The other stuff? It doesn't sound very satisfying to you. The stuff at the end sounds suspicious. Who doesn't have time to text during a pandemic? Is he a doctor? What does FaceTime have to do with one's career? I can't imagine a career that monitors someone's personal FaceTime. And if he's divorced why would he have to hide a long distance relationship?

So between his lackluster attempt at maintaining a relationship and some shady excuses, what do you get out of this?
 
Hello fits529,

Hmmm, that does seem like odd behavior, is it possible could Lucas be a recovering narcissist? You did say he has improved in the communication area, but I'd say he has a ways to go. I think you should remind him, from time to time, that he needs to do better, like text you more than twice a month, as well as not ghosting, not throwing tantrums, and apologies when he has behaved badly. It will take him awhile to do better, narcissism isn't easy to recover from.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Sounds to me like your relationship is becoming toxic because you want a partner out of him whereas he wants a friend without partner expectations.

See, I thought maybe this is where I thought my issues were. That I wanted more. My more, and I’ve told him is simply communicating. He has a family, whereas I don’t so obviously priorities are shifted. However, the nonexistent chatter except 2x a month is not exactly what I’d consider communicating. And I can’t even talk about this because again it’s been more like “hey I’ve gotta move, talk soon xoxo”. I got that 2 weeks ago. Before that it was “this is happening in a few weeks, talk soon.”

I’m not asking for a relationship and he knows that. I’m asking for a connection which he has been explicitly told because otherwise this won’t work for me bc that’s the type of person I am. I just wasn’t sure what is normal. Again- first real Poly relationship here.
 
I'm not seeing any of these problems as specifically relating to poly other than some assumptions you are making about his divorce. The other stuff? It doesn't sound very satisfying to you. The stuff at the end sounds suspicious. Who doesn't have time to text during a pandemic? Is he a doctor? What does FaceTime have to do with one's career? I can't imagine a career that monitors someone's personal FaceTime. And if he's divorced why would he have to hide a long distance relationship?

So between his lackluster attempt at maintaining a relationship and some shady excuses, what do you get out of this?

And I think that’s where I need to delve. Our connection was immediate and strong. There are particulars I can’t go into detail about why we can’t FaceTime. It’s a legit reason (unfortunately), not any less frustrating on my end but again understandable. That being said with the lack of facial technology you’d think texting would be plausible and more often and it’s not. I’m pushing through because of how we’ve been together otherwise.
I just didn’t know if ghosting, run around of definitions etc was normal.
 
But, I’m the type of person that if involved with someone I need you to check in. He knows that, I’ve said and asked many times. Part of it is because I’m naturally an anxious person, another part is probably because it not necessarily means I’m important, but that he cares about my well-being and understands I care about his.

So... it sounds like he doesn't meet your requests even though you ask repeatedly. Easier to accept he's just not gonna. This is all you get. Is it acceptable to you or not?

However, I believe he may be a true narcissist. I’ve experienced ghosting, short tantrums, no apologies (until 2 years into this), and whole myriad of other red flags.

If you notice off putting behavior and red flags? Why keep going with this rather than part ways? :confused:

You are not obligated to keep going with this guy just because it was your first poly dating experiences when you were new to poly.

I mean, if you are asking if it's normal for a narcissist to ghost, not apologize, have tantrums if you try to hold the accountable, etc? Well, yeah. Some of them do behaviors like that.

But is it a healthy relationship to be involved in? Or keep participating in? I would say no. It does not sound esp satisfying sounding for you.

I’m not asking for a relationship and he knows that. I’m asking for a connection which he has been explicitly told because otherwise this won’t work for me bc that’s the type of person I am.

And... it doesn't sound like it's working. So why keep asking him to do stuff he won't do, keep putting energy here, and keep sticking around?
If this is all you are gonna get here? It doesn't sound like he meets your personal standards for how you want to be treated. Could call it and decide to move on.

LDR poly is a not a reason to accept poor behavior. You want to be treated how you want to be treated. If his behaviors don't make the cut for you? They just don't. You don't have to wonder if it is "normal" or not. You just have to decide if this is behavior YOU want to put up with or not.

Sounds like you don't like how he behaves. You also don't like when you ask for change, it doesn't happen.

Well... Not everyone you date will be deeply compatible and a long haul runner.

Maybe it’s my lack of trusting that’s causing issues, we’ve talked about that briefly. But again, we don’t communicate as much with the distance, and I’m curious if other long-distance people go through the same issues.

I hate LDR. The three times I was in them? I hated the first because that partner was phoning it in. NOT trying to connect with be despite my asking. Then I ended it and ALL this attention when it was too little too late.

The other two were much better, both partners were in it for real, consistent about calls, email, visits, etc. I just dislike the travel, the distance, etc. It's never going to be my fav way of relating. Touch is a love language for me and it's hard to touch when miles apart.

If Lucas behaves poorly and then he flips it around on you like you don't trust him enough? Rather than owning his mistakes or poor behavior and apologizing, making amends, and changing his way of going in future interactions? All talk no show?

Maybe you don't trust him because he's just not doing anything to warrant trust building. He ghosts, there's tantrums, etc. How is this behavior reliable or trustworthy?

I hope he isn't trying to play head games with you. If he really is a narcissist, be on your guard for that. Like making you think YOU are the one who is bonkers or trying to gaslight you.

Galagirl
 
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In your OP, you say that your obviously more tha friends and lament that he will not label you anything but friends. He barely speaks to you just like I have friends who I don't speak to for months at a time. You dont even Facetime. You speak about being involved with him hence the need to "check in".

To me, you're trying to make this a relationship where he sees you as an acquaintance. I think you're being dishonest when you say that you're not asking for a relationship because you go straight back into saying this is your first poly relationship. But it isn't though. You want this to be an intimate relationship whereas he sees you as an acquaintance or something.

So stop thinking of this as your first poly relationship. It isn't. It's some guy you know.
 
I’ve heard from him probably 4 short texts in the last 2 months, only one phone call in there.

He's. Just. Not. That. Into. You.
 
..obviously it’s more of a friends with benefits situation. But, I’m the type of person that if involved with someone I need you to check in. He knows that, I’ve said and asked many times......it’s my first long-distance, Poly relationship or what.

Might you also be inexperienced in relationships in general? Not really reading the signs here? Because his behavior is in keeping with someone trying to tell you that he's just not into having a Relationship with you. He's OK with you being a casual FOB when it's convenient, but he's not into being lovers with you. The distance and the poly seem rather beside the point here. You keep wanting (and telling) him to show you that he feels what he does not feel.
 
Might you also be inexperienced in relationships in general? Not really reading the signs here? Because his behavior is in keeping with someone trying to tell you that he's just not into having a Relationship with you. He's OK with you being a casual FOB when it's convenient, but he's not into being lovers with you. The distance and the poly seem rather beside the point here. You keep wanting (and telling) him to show you that he feels what he does not feel.

After reading responses I think him agreeing to my boundaries, yet not following them has made me more open to that we’re just not on the same page of needs/wants even though all was expressed. Either way, I’ve stated whenever available that I think it’s time to part ways, hopefully amicably.

PS, I am inexperienced in LDR and Poly. LDR mainly has been hard to determine feelings outside of blatant having it spelled out. I know better now of what I’m up for, which this is not it.
 
After reading responses I think him agreeing to my boundaries, yet not following them has made me more open to that we’re just not on the same page of needs/wants even though all was expressed.

Sounds like he says whatever in the moment (agreeing to boundaries/requests) but then doesn't actually follow through. And you have grown tired of that behavior.

Either way, I’ve stated whenever available that I think it’s time to part ways, hopefully amicably.

You don't both have to be available to break up with him in a long conversation. You could go with a simpler text or send email and just be done with it all. Something basic.

"After some thought, this isn't working out for me. I am breaking up. Thank you for the time together. Take care of yourself."

Short, polite, done.

And be on the lookout for trying to suck you back in. If this guy is a narcissist, he may try that.

Galagirl
 
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If this guy is a narcissist, he may try that.

"Narcissist" is a pretty heavy duty diagnosis. Let's reserve the term for someone who truly is dangerous. This guy just isn't into her and is blundering his way through letting her know. Average, everyday mismatch and avoidance. He's doing a piss poor job of communication, but over using terms like "narcissist" feeds the misperception that one bad guy is to blame, when in truth, both people are responsible for how things unfold. This guy just isn't as excited about the relationship as she is. If he bumbles around and tries to rope her back in, it's time for her to work on her boundaries and stand by her priorities.
 
fits529 said:
However, I believe he may be a true narcissist. I’ve experienced ghosting, short tantrums, no apologies (until 2 years into this), and whole myriad of other red flags.

I tend to believe OP's. If they think someone goes out to that place? And they are experiencing red flags?

Then they could stop being involved.

FallenAngelina said:
If he bumbles around and tries to rope her back in, it's time for her to work on her boundaries and stand by her priorities.

Yup.

Galagirl
 
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