Is this polyamory?

[belleisle]

I know a man who is married and plays with as many woman as he can. His wife does not know of this lifestyle. He indulges in it away from home.
He says he cares deeply about all his partners, although he is constantly searching for more. He is currently playing with 5 or 6 and looking for more. Is this polyamory or something else?

 

[NeonKaos]

I know a man who is married and plays with as many woman as he can. His wife does not know of this lifestyle and he indulges in it away from home. He says he cares deeply about all his partners, although he is constantly searching for more. He is currently playing with 5 or 6 and looking for more. Is this polyamory or something else?

You obviously haven't read anything on this forum.

I'm a little confused why you would go out of your way to research this question on someone else's behalf and not even attempt to do a little reading before asking such a basic question.

Ordinarily, I might be a little more gentle with you if you came here with your own crisis, not thinking straight and needing help. But this is someone else's problem, not yours (unless you are one of the women he is fucking - in which case, to answer your question, no, it is not polyamory, it is a cheating affair).

 

[belleisle]

Anger management

I did not casually post this. And I am easing my way into this forum. And it is not on someone else's behalf. And I did almost become involved with him.

Please do not respond to me if you feel the need to do so in anger.

 

[NeonKaos]

I said i was confused, not angry. There is a difference. (ETA: the OP looked like a troll post at first glance.)

You really should read the forum. There is a lot of good information already written here.

A good place to start is:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1830

Or you can search for the terms "cheating" and "affair."

 

[Catfish]

Polyamory is an evolving term, in my opinion. But the barest bones of it are all about love, not playing with people or hiding what you do. The short answer is no, this isn't polyamory. This guy is a "player."

 

[belleisle]

Exactly. Thanks for the confirmation. Owning up, taking responsibility, and looking in the mirror are hard.

 

[booklady78]

Belleisle, I understand first getting on the forums and not quite knowing where to start.

In my opinion, the man you described does seem to be having affairs with multiple women, which is not considered polyamory. One could call it swinging, although in either poly or swinging, one's partners are still aware of any sexual activity or relationships. That is what makes it "ethical" non-monogamy.

You indicate that he claims to care about his sex partners, but apparently not the wife he chose to build a life with, and I find that very sad.

People may define polyamory in sorts of ways, but I've learned that honesty and trust are the foundations of any relationship, including polyamorous ones.

The suggestion to look for posts and threads is a good one. Enter in a keyword and see what you can find.

And please don't be afraid to ask questions. You are not required to do a lot of research before proving to anyone that your question is worthy. Yes, it may have been asked many, many times before, but it's still a new question to you. Take care!

Neon: Some of us may be confident enough to know the textbook definition of what polyamory is, but many people are unsure, which is what leads them to these forums. I'm not a custodian, just a member. I look at my presence on the forums as a way to seek out the information and support I need. I also hope to share any experience and opinion I have, so that I may help others.

I'm a retail manager and if a customer came in looking for something I thought was obvious, I wouldn't say "Gawd, didn't you SEE the giant sign there?!" I would try to be polite, welcoming, and do my best to help without judging their level of understanding. Your response came off as rather harsh and not especially welcoming to a new member who is obviously unsure and seeking help. Whether or not she is asking on someone else's behalf is irrelevant. She's asking. Maybe you are fortunate enough to be a part of a community or communities that fully understand what polyamory is, but most of us aren't. When someone wants to understand what polyamory is, for themselves, for someone else, or just for the sake of knowing, it's in our best interest to articulate our answers responsibly.

 

[belleisle]

Interpreting Polyamory

Booklady, thanks for the supportive reply.

I had been emailing this man for 8 months and knew he was not monogamous. As I do not want a monogamous relationship, this did not bother me. Because of the issue of sexual safety, which I take very seriously, I did ask a more revealing question that resulted in finding out the info I posted. I presented it in as factual a manner as I could, because I wanted to confirm what I basically already knew, that he is a player trying to pass off his behavior as something else. I was really disappointed, but relieved that I found out.

I have a fairly good working knowledge of what polyamory is, though I have never lived the lifestyle.

 

[IndieSolo]

Belleisle,
If his wife is not aware he's sleeping around, it isn't polyamory. If he's calling it that to justify what he's doing, it is clear that he doesn't even know what polyamory is himself, because he's obviously already told you his wife doesn't know. He is just trying to get you in the sack. I'd stay far away from him. He's a liar and a cheater.

And he seems a bit stupid, too.

 

[redpepper]

If his wife is not aware he's sleeping around, it isn't polyamory. If he's calling it that to justify what he's doing, it is clear that he doesn't even know what polyamory is himself, because he's obviously already told you his wife doesn't know. He is just trying to get you in the sack. I'd stay far away from him. He's a liar and a cheater. And he seems a bit stupid, too.

This, and he could also be using the term, as some do, to deceive women into thinking that he cares. He doesn't care and he doesn't respect women. He enjoys fucking them, and that's it. No one, in my opinion, can really actively carry on solid loving relationships with good foundations if there are that many and he keeps adding more. Not only that, but his wife doesn't know. He's a cheater and a user. That is it. Not worth bothering with, if you ask me.

 

[belleisle]

That is the crux of the matter. He was definitely throwing the term polyamory around for two reasons, I believe. First, to soften the reality that he was having indiscriminate sex with whoever he could get. Secondly, to make himself feel less like a cad.

But he did tell me the truth and he knew how I would react.

After having some pretty gloriously public screw ups of my own in the romantic area, I try to stay away from judging others. But I do insist on honesty in communication. He was not honest.

 

[booklady78]

I think the biggest concern about someone who sleeps around in a dishonest fashion is mostly definitely the sexual safety of their partners. If they aren't being honest with all of their partners, how can you trust that they are honest with you?

 

[AutumnalTone]

Polyamory is an evolving term, in my opinion.

I don't think it's evolving much, at all. It refers to part of the spectrum of non-monogamy wherein folks have multiple romantic relationships at the same time, with the consent of all involved. The word differentiates that part of the non-monogamous spectrum from others-- e.g., swinging and open relationships.

A man cheating on his wife clearly is not polyamorous. He's just bad at monogamy. Should his wife gain full knowledge of his affairs and give consent, then he can speak of himself as polyamorous.

 

[SchrodingersCat]

I don't think it's evolving much, at all. It refers to part of the spectrum of non-monogamy wherein folks have multiple romantic relationships at the same time with the consent of all involved. The word differentiates that part of the non-monogamous spectrum from others-- e.g., swinging, open relationships.

While I'm with you on swinging being different from polyamory, I thought (and my search of the forum's official list of definitions confirmed) that there's a definite overlap between open relationships and polyamory.

I don't mean this in the sense that some people have an open relationship "and also happen to have" a polyamorous relationship, but that the polyamorous aspect of the relationship is, itself, open, as opposed to a poly-fidelitous relationship, which is by definition not open, and as opposed to a polyamorous couple that also happens to be in the swinging lifestyle, even though the swinging is not itself polyamory.

Open Relationship n : a relationship where partners are allowed to have romantic relationships and/or sex with others outside the relationship

Polyamory n 1: the state or practice of having more than one open romantic relationship at a time (2008). In Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary. 2: romantically loving more than one person at a time 3: responsible non-monogamy based on honest open communication and conscious choices