So, question on the whole abuse and poly thing- is using veto power abuse? It's exerting control over another.
Line-item veto power was used on me in terms of sleeping with a lover indicidually within a triad until Partner B got comfortable with the idea, which in the end involved me saying afr 2-3 months that I wouldn't be able to handle her meeting a new lover she had started corresponding with previous to me and sleeping with him until I had freedom to sleep with our partner in common, partner A, and wanted that freedom present before she slept with New Partner. (She granted that starting on the weekend she went away to meet New Partner, to make the transition easier on her.) And, that begs the question- was that abuse back? Both of us were genuinely up against our limits. Both were asking something of the other to manage our feelings.
I was in a previously abusive relationship, and in retrospect, the line-item veto pushed those same buttons. But also, those buttons were there to be pushed.
At the same time, with how my metamour and partner was feeling, it was the only possible way for us to go forward without her breaking down. Which no one wanted. And in that sense, it was a very sensible limit. So might have mine been.
I'm not sure what to think. I think at the very least, the maxim "when veto power is used, it does damage" applies. It's so far in the past, neither partner wants to talk about it. Partner B will, reluctantly, but not in a way that we can talk about and issues such as the power imbalance. Which I kind of get- I generally don't like bringing things up past 3 months , but this feels an exception. It was a defining moment, resulting in power imbalance, and I feel to heal the imbalance, we need to acknowledge and accept the power of that moment. I'm still feeling it as nightmarish, sometimes, and absolutely squeamish about any kind of power imbalance (which might not be a bad thing, given my history.). I'm feeling of we don't talk about it, and take resposibility, theonly way I have to work through this is to keep backing away from the relationship with B and rebuild on equal power footing, if that can be done. And if I still want to, that far away, which iassunw I will, but it's a risk.
Exploring this, Partner B's take would be that it wouldn't be abuse because I and Partner A always had the choice of going forward anyways. (My DV alert buttons go: red herring! DV isn't the absence of choice, but the presence of power over, which as the newcomer, was inherent in the situation. At the same time, her take on the whole her sleeping with her new lover thing is that I should have said I wasn't able to handle it. I'm not sure this applies, because the limit I needed to set, and tried to, was actually around communication. But it does show that she was willing to give me the power she wielded over me.
Along the same lines, does this line of thought make monogamy abusive? Where is the line between negotiated power over someone's actions and control?
Line-item veto power was used on me in terms of sleeping with a lover indicidually within a triad until Partner B got comfortable with the idea, which in the end involved me saying afr 2-3 months that I wouldn't be able to handle her meeting a new lover she had started corresponding with previous to me and sleeping with him until I had freedom to sleep with our partner in common, partner A, and wanted that freedom present before she slept with New Partner. (She granted that starting on the weekend she went away to meet New Partner, to make the transition easier on her.) And, that begs the question- was that abuse back? Both of us were genuinely up against our limits. Both were asking something of the other to manage our feelings.
I was in a previously abusive relationship, and in retrospect, the line-item veto pushed those same buttons. But also, those buttons were there to be pushed.
At the same time, with how my metamour and partner was feeling, it was the only possible way for us to go forward without her breaking down. Which no one wanted. And in that sense, it was a very sensible limit. So might have mine been.
I'm not sure what to think. I think at the very least, the maxim "when veto power is used, it does damage" applies. It's so far in the past, neither partner wants to talk about it. Partner B will, reluctantly, but not in a way that we can talk about and issues such as the power imbalance. Which I kind of get- I generally don't like bringing things up past 3 months , but this feels an exception. It was a defining moment, resulting in power imbalance, and I feel to heal the imbalance, we need to acknowledge and accept the power of that moment. I'm still feeling it as nightmarish, sometimes, and absolutely squeamish about any kind of power imbalance (which might not be a bad thing, given my history.). I'm feeling of we don't talk about it, and take resposibility, theonly way I have to work through this is to keep backing away from the relationship with B and rebuild on equal power footing, if that can be done. And if I still want to, that far away, which iassunw I will, but it's a risk.
Exploring this, Partner B's take would be that it wouldn't be abuse because I and Partner A always had the choice of going forward anyways. (My DV alert buttons go: red herring! DV isn't the absence of choice, but the presence of power over, which as the newcomer, was inherent in the situation. At the same time, her take on the whole her sleeping with her new lover thing is that I should have said I wasn't able to handle it. I'm not sure this applies, because the limit I needed to set, and tried to, was actually around communication. But it does show that she was willing to give me the power she wielded over me.
Along the same lines, does this line of thought make monogamy abusive? Where is the line between negotiated power over someone's actions and control?
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