Issue with age

G

GSAS082612

New member
As I have mentioned before previously, I am in a polyamorous relationship with a married couple. They have been married for a little over a year. I have known my girlfriend and boyfriend since I was 15. I am now 18.

They share one daughter and have a son on the way. A possible newborn on my part. (Trying for a baby.)

The biggest issue I am getting is the age. The issue everyone suggests I bring up is age. She is 21. He is 34.

I know not many are supportive. But what is your opinion? Please no smack talk on my boyfriend's or girlfriend's ages, or telling me I am too young. Life is too short to live it right.

I am 18. I understand that this could quite possibly be a mistake, but in fact, it could not be. I love him. I love her. Point Blank Period. But I am curious with how many other poly-relationships have an age gap so wide. :eek::confused:
 
You are all consenting adults. I don't see a problem. There could be some differences in maturity, and that's no one's fault; it just happens when one partner happens to have more life experience than the other. However, age is no guarantee of maturity, wisdom, experience, etc. When it is, empathy can go a long way in bridging the age gap. Understanding where your partner is coming from and that their experiences are not your own is important whether the age difference is ten years or ten days.

Anyway, I'm 23 and my primary and secondary lovers are both in their early 30s, so I've spent some time thinking about this, too.
 
I dont really see the issue. I'm 25 and I've generally been drawn to people older than me. OKC perpetually matches me up with people 30 and up.
 
Are you trying for a baby with him as the father? I'm assuming this is the case but wanted to make sure I understood.
 
Yes, I am trying for a baby with my 34-year old bf. He already has children, and a son on the way. But he and I want a child too.
 
I don't think age gap is a huge issue unless you make it one. There could be a difference in maturity, you could be at different places in your life and wanting different things, but that's not necessarily the case. I'm 23 at this point, and one of my partners is 37, and we have a wonderful relationship. When I was 18 actually, my first partner outside of my fiance was a 38 year old. There were some maturity issues, but they were actually with him being immature and trying to collect as many girlfriends as possible because he thought it would make him look good, while his wife and I were the more mature ones. So nope, there is nothing wrong with an age gap, as long as you and your partners can make a relationship work.
 
I once dated a man who was the same age as my dad (within a few days!). I had no idea his age when I met him. (He turned out to be a sociopath, but that's a different issue.)

I was in a long-term relationship with a man 13 years older than I am. FBF is 13.5 years younger than I am; and CBF is 15.5 years younger than I am. Before FBF, my bf was 8 years younger than I am.

There are times and situations in life where the age difference might matter a lot, and times and situations where it matters not at all. I used to date a man a few years younger than I, and everyone who knew him called him 'old man.'

It's no one's business but yours. You're not obligated to tell anyone the difference in your ages.
 
The biggest issue I am getting is the age.
Click to expand...

Who is bringing up age issues? Parents? Friends? Are you having trouble coping with the age gap yourself, or the reaction to the age gap from other people? I am not clear.

But I am curious with how many other poly relationships have an age gap so wide.
Click to expand...

I know of one poly friend with a large age gap. 17 yrs. The rest I don't know the exact ages of, but they seem closer in ages than that. In mono relationships, one of my aunts and uncles have a 17-year age gap. My parents have 7 yrs. They are all going strong.

I don't think age itself matters, in a polyship or monoship. What matters is if the family members understand each other in context, put in the work to understand each other, put the work into making sure the family is healthy.

You at 18 and wife at 21 puts you both in the age range where brain is still doing a lot of development. Bf is past that age.

http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/09/110922134617.htm

I don't know how that will play out in term of being able to see each other's point of view, communicate, and deal with conflict resolution. It could be something to consider as the family travels life's journey together in this first decade. It's the same as considering your own aging in the other decade stages. For me now, it's menopause, and andropause for my man. How does it affect family harmony as each family member hits ages/stages milestones?

There are six maturities. More here in my blog thread. Not everyone achieves them all at the same rate. Chronological and physical, everyone does just by hitting the next birthday, but the rest one has to work at developing -- emotional, intellectual, social, philosophical. Where all three people in the family are at in the development of their maturities could also matter in family harmony.

Last but not least, the addition of children changes family dynamics considerably. How long have you been seeing them?

Given that your other thread was talking about wanting to break it up, you could consider waiting a touch on the TTC thing, not just to learn how to get along better as a family unit first, or to better see how each of them parents, and would be helping to parent your own child, but to space out the children out so it's easier to raise them. There's a reason for that common three-year gap between siblings. Having a lot of babies under three-years old in one house is taxing. While you'd have an extra parent in this family configuration, it's still challenging to family harmony. It's so much easier when the older ones have started VPK or elementary school so part of the day they are over there.

So again, I don't think age gap much matters. More important is the willingness of the family members to understand each other in context and to pull their fair share of the responsibilities in service to the family. Then the family can function as a healthy, harmonious unit, a team.

My 2 cents.
 
Last edited:
I had a relationship with a large age gap when I was your age. I feel like I sort of lost out on something, as the person I was with was in a totally different place in their life. I lost out on really being in and experiencing my 20s.

But if you're 18 and trying to get pregnant, it sounds like you're already willing to skip that. I'm not judging you for it, not at all! Just be aware of what you're giving up.
 
Er...are they bringing up the age difference just because? Or are they bringing it up in relationship to some issue you are having?

I wouldn't recommend anybody age 18 to have a kid, period. If they wanted to, I'd suggest to do so sanely would mean having at least a two-year long dating relationship with the person you are seeing first, with a period of cohabitation (no I don't think just knowing them longer is enough) to determine if this is something that can really work long haul. I feel the same about marriage. It is easy to forget to be practical and sensible when you're feeling all romantic. I'll say from experience, most people end up regretting being hasty.
 
I don't think a big age gap is necessarily a problem, although it can be. t depends on the specific relationship, if it gives some imbalance, if you feel a cultural disconnect, etc.

I've had and seen relationships with a big age gap that were absolutely not hurt by it, and others with a smaller gap that were hurt, so there is really no rule for it.

About the kid, there could be issues having a child so early (both early in life, and early in a relationship), but many issues would be about being financially unstable, lacking support to raise the kid, etc, which would be less the case in a poly configuration, provided you get all the support from both your partners, of course.

I think one issue would be the fact that she is pregnant. While I understand the idea of having children around the same time, it will also mean double the work. One advantage of polyamory is that when she has the kid, one person can take care of the kid while the other two still date. If there are two kids, it will be more tiring, as taking care of a newborn is hard enough.

So I guess my advice would be to be there for the child of your gf, and see it as practice for when you get your own. But maybe try having enough of a gap between the two that the relationships can recover from the birth, and all the stress it creates, before having another. Plus you will get to see how both of them act around a newborn, which will give you an idea of what to expect with your kid.
 
I don't think an age gap is any more of a problem than any other factor in relationships, nono or poly.

I'm 28. My girlfriend is ten years older, 38. 90% of my partners have been ten years older than me. My longest relationship (5 years) was with a man who was 13 years older than me.

Even though I do not think an age gap is a problem, yes, of course, it can cause some issues. God, I was 26 when I met my girlfriend, and in two years, I've already changed drastically. The age gap was never a relationship dealbreaker problem. But of course, it was noticeable sometimes. It can work for the better, and for us, it does. As long as you all acknowledge the age gap and cut each other some slack, I don't see why it should be a giant issue.

However, age itself can be an issue, in the long term. When I was 19, I met a man who was 32. That was my 5-year long relationship. I thought he was my soulmate. I moved across the country to be with him. I thought I'd be with him for the rest of my life. Yes, life is short. Seize opportunities for yourself. But understand and accept that life probably will change your relationships, your personality, your life. You may not be with this couple in five years' time. If you can strike a balance of living in the moment, whilst having back-up plans for the future, you're doing okay.

I'm not going to trash talk your age. I'm just going to give you my honest opinion. I know, from personal experience, that having one child is difficult. Three would be insane for me. I also know, from personal experience, that I would not want to bring a child into the world until I had my shit together. I cannot tell you that you are too young. Your body and mind are yours. But, if you cannot look five years into the future and say "Here's what I'll do if we are no longer together," then you've got to do some thinking.

If you can, then fine. But be sensible. Explore yourself. Live your life. Love and be happy. I can tell you that when I was 18, I felt very mature - and I was mature. Much more so than other people my age. I couldn't imagine being much different when I was 28. Hahaha... I was so wrong. I had a massive change between 18 and 21. I changed again around the age of 25. Now, at 28, I'm starting to change again. These are standard ages to go through changes. As long as you are prepared for that, you are being wise.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top