Issues seperating my head and my heart

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danieheartsu

New member
I am having some difficulties sorting out my emotions. I am in my first ever poly relationship and overall it is working out just fine. I am building a strong relationship to the new person, S. We have our own relationship aside from me and M and M and S, along with our triad. What I am having issues with is letting my old ways go and just listening to my heart. I loved almost 30 years of my life with the mindset of one and only love at a time, monogomy is policy stuff. No wthat I have fully embraced the poly life and am loving it, my thoughts won't shut up! I so badly just want to fully open my heart and let S in completely, but my head is getting in the way and M has noticed.

I am trying very hard not to use the love that M an I have as a template per say when it comes to building a relationship with S, but sometimes it can be hard. They are their own seperate persons and I want to continue to look at each relationship seperataly as well, not as a compare/contrast. Does anyone one have and advise on the best way to get get my head on track with my heart? I want our triad to work, I want to continue to let my relationship with S blossum and grow and I want for all three of us to build a strong unit together. Ugh this is so frustrating! :confused::(
 
What is it about "compare and contrast thoughts" that stops you from letting the relationship with S blossom and grow? Prevents growth in the triad?

Galagirl
 
You can't make yourself have feelings for someone. Enjoy your time with each and let things develop naturally. If for some reason you feel more platonic toward one that's fine. You don't have to care about both equally just because you are in a triad.
 
The problem isn't that I don't have feelings for S, it is that I do and my brain is still trying to tellme that I shouldn't let it just happen because it is condition to think you can not love more than one person at a time. When in fact my heart completely disagrees with this. I know that there are many different types of love and for each person you love it is unique in its own way. My head just won't stop telling me that it is "wrong" I guess. So basically my heart is screaming " yes! yes" yes!" and my head is screaming " wrong! wrong! wrong!" I guess in a sense I am trying to completely recondition my thought process on the matter and get it on the same page as my heart. I just don't know how to do this, or if this is just something I need to be patient with and give it time to adjust to a completely different way of thinking.
 
I vote for giving it time. Many of us are conditioned to believe in the whole "one and only" thing when it comes to romantic love, and it does take time and patience to overcome that.

Just keep reminding yourself that it *isn't* wrong. Every time you catch yourself thinking that way, counter it with the idea that you, M, and S are all in agreement and all consenting to what's going on, and that means it isn't wrong. You're living your own life, and other people's concept of "right" doesn't apply. Only yours does.
 
this is just something I need to be patient with and give it time to adjust to a completely different way of thinking.
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I think you nailed it there.

It takes time to get used to a new way of going. That is ok.

Galagirl
 
I agree that I just need to be patient and let things play out. I know I do need to be better at communicating my concerns to M and S instead of justtrying to figure things out on my own. They are there to support me so I should let them. Thank you for the advise everyone!
 
Ah alas, the head and the heart will probably always have arguments with each other. At best they can co-exist under an uneasy truce. It is actually not so terrible if you experience some feelings of disorientation, as long as you know what you want to do (in general) and why you want to do it.

Your brain needs more poly food. Read some poly books. Keep reading and posting on this forum. Learn as much as you can about poly. Get increasingly familiar with the subject. We tend to fear the unknown, so get to know poly well.

Good luck!
Kevin T.
 
danieheartsu said:
The problem isn't that I don't have feelings for S, it is that I do and my brain is still trying to tellme that I shouldn't let it just happen because it is condition to think you can not love more than one person at a time. When in fact my heart completely disagrees with this. I know that there are many different types of love and for each person you love it is unique in its own way. My head just won't stop telling me that it is "wrong" I guess. So basically my heart is screaming " yes! yes" yes!" and my head is screaming " wrong! wrong! wrong!" I guess in a sense I am trying to completely recondition my thought process on the matter and get it on the same page as my heart. I just don't know how to do this, or if this is just something I need to be patient with and give it time to adjust to a completely different way of thinking.
Click to expand...

If it helps, our situations may be different but you're very much describing what I've been working through the last two weeks. It's almost like our brains refuse to admit they used to be wrong about something, because there's so much mental paperwork to go through when you change your viewpoint on something. Time does help; also, sleep. Or lack of sleep. I made some interesting mental breakthroughs while sleep-deprived this week. Don't know if it'll help for you, but who knows?
 
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