It's a Texlahoma Story

Things I want to say to Dag. Maybe.

I love you. I want you in my life. I always will.

I'm really struggling right now with not being able to be a part of your "real" life

It's hard for me to love you and need you and not be able to have much time with you. Especially not much "down time", every day, hanging out, chill time

It hurts that after we've been together so long, you still laugh when I talk about framing a picture of you

I don't expect you to fix this for me. I'm not asking for more or different or anything other than for you to listen. I want to be able to come to you when I'm sad about ~us~, just like I come to you when I'm sad about other things

If you're willing, I'd like for us to work together to find ways to keep our relationship working for us both
I don't want this to be me making demands or telling you I need xyz, I want us to both think about it.

There is part of me that just wants to run away from you, because making myself this vulnerable is scary. But you deserve honesty.
 
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Ugh. This is harder than I thought.

I keep writing things and none of them are right.

All that stuff I wrote above ... It's true but it's not what I really want to say.

I just want a break from the boyfriend - girlfriend thing. Maybe a short break, maybe a permanent one, I'm not sure. But this is the longest I've ever been in this type of relationship, and it's just messing with my head - and my heart. I need some time, some space, I need to think without pressure or worries about letting someone down.

I want to stay friends, if he's up for that. I want him to be a part of my life, always, even during this messy, figuring out what I need period. If I could talk these chaotic emotions through with him, that would be wonderful. But I understand that might be asking too much.

I'm just terrified of hurting him and losing him completely. So I delete the honest stuff and replace it with "maybe we could try..." - but we've already tried.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
I just want a break from the boyfriend - girlfriend thing. Maybe a short break, maybe a permanent one, I'm not sure. But this is the longest I've ever been in this type of relationship, and it's just messing with my head - and my heart. I need some time, some space, I need to think without pressure or worries about letting someone down.

I want to stay friends, if he's up for that. I want him to be a part of my life, always, even during this messy, figuring out what I need period. If I could talk these chaotic emotions through with him, that would be wonderful. But I understand that might be asking too much.

I'm just terrified of hurting him and losing him completely. So I delete the honest stuff and replace it with "maybe we could try..." - but we've already tried.
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Go ahead and adapt this one.
 
Well, I sent him a note. It wasn't really like either of my attempts. But it was honest.

I started writing about how I felt cut off from the rest of his life, and sad about all the things we'll never have, and unsure how to handle those emotions... And then I realized, that's all I needed to say. Just, I have feelings, I struggle sometimes to make sense of them, I have a hard time talking about it because I worry about causing problems, but I need you to know.

And I feel... Lighter... This morning. I don't know how he will react, I don't know what the future holds, but I feel completely ok and at peace. Because I DO know that I can speak up when I need to. If things get terrible and I want to break up, I'll be able to do that. If things are good but tough and we need to really work on our relationship, I can do that too. I'll handle it, whatever it is.
 
Aaaaand while I was writing that, he texted me...

Thanked me for sharing my feelings, said he had been thinking similar things. Said he wasn't sure how to respond yet and needed to think a little.

Ok. That is fair. I've been tossing this stuff around my messed up little mind for months, he may need some time to process it.

You know what, though? Whatever he eventually says, I'll be ok.
 
Good job!
 
Dag wrote a long email back. I'm just ... Speechless. Wow.

Apparently I'm not the only one who has been bottling things up.

First, there was a lot about him understanding that I may need the "openness" of knowing his wife and family in order for this relationship to feel "real and whole". His words, but they're the right words, wish I'd been able to think of them last night! And his worries that at some point I will end our relationship if he can't give me that. He was very supportive, though, saying over and over that if I'm not getting what I need, he wants me to tell him.

But there was also just a ton of *his* stuff, feelings that I had no idea he had, things I didn't know he was thinking about. Like that he is wrestling internally with the DADT rule, and envious of how Andy and I handle things. That he has been reading poly books, trying to figure out if he could move his relationship to a more open and honest model. That he's struggling with the desire to do this vs the fear that it would mean the end of his marriage.

And I'm like... You act like everything's fine! Why didn't you talk to me about this??? You're sitting up all night reading and getting upset because you feel like a "poly poser" and you don't call me? But, um, hello, I'm sitting up all night blogging here and getting upset because I feel like a dirty secret and not calling him either :eek:

Dag mentioned a few times in his note that he doesn't have answers yet, or solutions. I haven't had time to really digest everything yet, but what I did say back was, I don't need you to have fixes for this, or know the answers. It's ok for us to be lost and confused together. We'll figure it out.

I still have no idea where this will end up. I'm ok with that. I know that he loves me, and he's willing to try with me, and we will figure out together whether we work best as a couple, as friends, or as something yet unknown we make up as we go along.
 
I'm glad he wrote you back, and that you guys are more on the same page than you thought! Yay for communication!
 
I'm a bit of a lurker here but I've been following your blog. A lot of what you say really resonates with me. I too have a hard time figuring out the non-escalator stuff.

I'm glad the two of you communicated and are figuring out things together!
 
assets said:
I'm a bit of a lurker here but I've been following your blog. A lot of what you say really resonates with me. I too have a hard time figuring out the non-escalator stuff.

I'm glad the two of you communicated and are figuring out things together!
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I'm glad too :)

I'm not sure how much of this blog you've read (and btw sorry for the incessant whining ;)) but my struggle with the idea of non-escalator relationships has been epic. It's gone from, "huh, that's a weird concept" to "I'll give it a shot" to "nope nope nope not gonna work". :cool: Which is causing me less angst than usual today, knowing that Dag is going through some of the same emotions! Progress!
 
I'm proud of myself tonight.

Andy was feeling sick - like, running to the bathroom every five minutes sick - so we came home from the lake place tonight instead of staying over. But we came home to a hot, stuffy house... The AC isn't working. Yeah, that would be the AC I spent many, many thousands of dollars to replace just a few months ago :cool:

At least the other half of our house is still air conditioned, though marginally, with all the heat wafting through the ceiling. Did I mention it was over 100 degrees today? Ugh. The emergency AC calls prioritize folks with no AC, not those of us with half air conditioning, so it will be DAYS before anybody rescues me.

Anyway, with Andy sick, I was on my own cursing and banging at the thermostat and crawling around in the attic. I texted Dag in tears, just completely frustrated and exhausted (and hot). And he was sweet, and helpful, and supportive... Until he just stopped texting back.

But I didn't cry - well, I didn't cry any more than I was already crying. I didn't freak out. I didn't decide that he's stopped loving me and everything is ruined forever. I just said, hmmmm, here is a thing I need to think about when I'm done trying to figure out why it's suddenly 85 in my house.

Dag can't prioritize me. Like, at all. He can give me all the attention and time and affection *when it's convenient for him*, but he can't ever put me first.

There will never be a time when "girlfriend having nervous breakdown and begging for information on circuit breakers" will trump "small inconsequential family shit". And that is just a thing I need to know. A thing I need to think about. Am I ok with that? Am I ok being in a relationship that works this way? Do I need a boyfriend to be able to drop what he's doing and help me?

No answers yet, but it didn't wreck me to realize it, and it didn't wreck me to think about it, and whatever the answer is, that won't wreck me either.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
Dag can't prioritize me. Like, at all. He can give me all the attention and time and affection *when it's convenient for him*, but he can't ever put me first.

There will never be a time when "girlfriend having nervous breakdown and begging for information on circuit breakers" will trump "small inconsequential family shit". And that is just a thing I need to know. A thing I need to think about. Am I ok with that? Am I ok being in a relationship that works this way? Do I need a boyfriend to be able to drop what he's doing and help me?

No answers yet, but it didn't wreck me to realize it, and it didn't wreck me to think about it, and whatever the answer is, that won't wreck me either.
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I am glad it didn't wreck you -- because even if he were a single, totally available man with no kids, there could never be an iron-clad guarantee that he can drop everything to come and comfort you whenever you're upset about something, or fix some broken thing for you, no matter how close you are or how much he loves you. Life is complex and pretty much demands that we all learn to stand on our own. It's great to have someone to call or text to wail and vent, but it's just impossible to expect that we can have our wishes fulfilled whenever we ask for something. So, at the risk of sounding condescending, which is NOT how I mean it -- it sounds to me like your realization was a very grown-up one. Brava!
 
nycindie said:
I am glad it didn't wreck you -- because even if he were a single, totally available man with no kids, there could never be an iron-clad guarantee that he can drop everything to come and comfort you whenever you're upset about something, or fix some broken thing for you, no matter how close you are or how much he loves you. Life is complex and pretty much demands that we all learn to stand on our own. It's great to have someone to call or text to wail and vent, but it's just impossible to expect that we can have our wishes fulfilled whenever we ask for something. So, at the risk of sounding condescending, which is NOT how I mean it -- it sounds to me like your realization was a very grown-up one. Brava!
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I'm still kind of turning this comment over in my brain... I didn't think it sounded condescending, but unless I'm misunderstanding, I don't feel the same way.

I get not expecting everyone in our lives to drop what they're doing and come to us every time we have a blip. But I do expect a certain amount of support in order to consider someone a friend (or a boyfriend). I expect that if I'm crying about something that has happened, anyone I call "friend" will stay on the phone or keep messaging until I'm ok-ish. I expect that my friends *will* drop everything if I have a true life crisis. (Both those things barring their being in the middle of something equally awful themselves.) When K's kids' dad died, I left work and drove over immediately; there were already a half dozen other friends there by the time I arrived. When Andy was in the hospital, at least ten friends took time off work to be with him, giving me a few hours each day to go home and rest.

I don't think I'm expecting a particularly outsized amount of support ... I mean, the crying over the AC thing is a "stay on the phone with me" problem, a bad car wreck might be a "drop everything and drive to the ER now!" situation.

Last night, I was fine without Dag in part *because* I have other people. (In this case, my dad:)) So the quandary isn't, do I need people who put me first? I do, absolutely, at least in the sense that my panic trumps their tv show or whatever. It was just, I have a ton of support already, am I still willing to make room for Dag in my life if we will never get to that point? Because it wouldn't have made a difference if I had been lying in a hospital. He still couldn't have helped me at all without throwing his whole DADT world upside down.

Standing on my own... I *can* do it. I have, at some of the darkest points in my life. But I don't want to. Nor do I see anything grown up or brave about not needing anyone. Being completely independent is not a big goal of mine. I prefer interdependence. I like depending on others and knowing they depend on me.

Well. I guess I'm at least getting better at the part about saying, I appreciate the advice, but that isn't something I have any interest in trying :eek:
 
Really and truly? If you were in a life threatening condition at the emergency room Dag would not come because his wife might have to wonder if you are more than just a friend? Or even that his wife might have to think there is another person of female gender that he cares about? Or would you wish he could be there for, say, a broken arm or a slicing accident while cooking?

Leetah
 
Leetah said:
Really and truly? If you were in a life threatening condition at the emergency room Dag would not come because his wife might have to wonder if you are more than just a friend? Or even that his wife might have to think there is another person of female gender that he cares about? Or would you wish he could be there for, say, a broken arm or a slicing accident while cooking?

Leetah
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Really and truly, life threatening condition or no :cool: I mean, I'm sure he'd come if he could make up an excuse - I have to go to the movies RIGHT NOW ok bye! or something.

One of the things he wrote to me was that the DADT weighs on him because if HE was hurt, or dying, I wouldn't be able to be there. I wouldn't ever even know. He said it hurts him to think he could do that to me.

I don't understand why we can't be out as friends, and just DADT re sex. Andy and I don't talk about his sex life, beyond "I might sleep with X at some point" and "FYI, sex with X is not on the table anymore". That's *my* boundary, I just don't like knowing every time he has sex or doesn't, all I need to know sex-wise is health related stuff. I'd much rather hear about the awesome stuff he and his friend-girls do outside of bed :)

But Dag's DADT goes deep. It requires that nothing he does affects his marriage, or his family, or their life, at all, ever. I think that's an unfair standard. And also, impossible.

I haven't talked to him since this morning. He didn't say anything about last night, except that he ended our good morning chat with "if there's anything I can do, let me know!" :rolleyes: I just didn't have anything to say to that.

I'm not even mad, it is what it is, for the time being at least, I can either deal or break up. Today has been all about staring at my phone and willing the on-call AC guy to call me!

ETA ...

Maybe I'm totally underestimating Dag, and he'd risk telling his wife about us if I was half-dead somewhere. Maybe he's underestimating HER, and if he was hurt, she'd go through his phone and call me. I don't know.

DADT is just incomprehensible to me. That level of it. Dag spends the night in a hotel twice a month and that's ok... but bringing me to some group event, saying, hey this is my friend Claire, that would destroy her? Do. Not. Understand.
 
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Life is complex and pretty much demands that we all learn to stand on our own
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This quote from nycindie has been rattling around in my head all afternoon...

I've always thought, Life is complex and pretty much demands we all have a stable, loving, loyal network of people we can count on.

Just interesting, the different ways people look at things.
 
It drives Mer Dom nuts when I say " I can do it myself." I don't like too much help because it is very hard to pick up the work load again when the help isn't there. On the other hand I do want a stable loving network for when things go badly wrong, but I save them for when I really need them.

I went through to something similar what you are experiencing with a previous DADT lover. I broke my hand ( small hairline break ) kind of near his place. I had the kids. I decided to drive home and ask for help from my friends near my house. Lover later told me that he wouldn't have come and was glad I didn't call him. Reality was he wouldn't have upset his wife even if I really did need him.

I am sorry you have something similar with Dag. It doesn't feel nice.
 
I'm super weird about asking for help. I have no problem asking for information, or instructions. Or emotional support. But when it comes to actually DOING whatever it is, hands off!

This has occasionally resulted in bizarre scenarios, like the time I called roadside assistance for a flat tire, then wanted the guy to just tell me how to change it but let me do the physical work myself :rolleyes:

The idea of not wanting to rely on a support network because what if it isn't there anymore... Yeah. That's why I had such a hard time turning to Dag when my anxiety went crazy this winter. I can lean on the people I know will be there when I need them. It's hard - and foolish, honestly, imo - to lean on someone who might be unavailable when you need them the most.
 
What I posted earlier...

I wasn't saying that we shouldn't want love and support (and sometimes a favor or a little rescuing) from the people we're close to. All I meant was that life can get in the way of people being able to be there for us in the way that we wish would happen, and it doesn't matter whether the person is open poly, DADT poly, or totally available. So, while we can want what we want, we set ourselves up for disappointment if we expect to get it. That's why I said it's good to stand strong and be able to be okay on our own.

I don't know if you read my post here somewhere about my close friend who passed away about ten days ago. I was unaware that she had listed me as her emergency contact and I was away on vacation, out of cell phone reach, when she was rushed to the ER. When I finally got back to civilization and had a signal, there were numerous messages on my phone. They wanted information that I didn't have. There was nothing I could do, as I was far away. And then she died, all alone, the day after I got back home. I guess it just makes me think about how she had probably thought she could rely on me, but circumstances prevented me from being able to get into her apartment, contact her family, see her in the hospital, etc. Life got in the way and I have to accept that I was powerless and couldn't help make her last hours more comfortable.
 
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nycindie said:
I don't know if you read my post here somewhere about my close friend who passed away about ten days ago...
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I'm so sorry things happened that way :( Not the "someone died alone" part - we all die alone, really, and to be honest I think the whole concept of a "good death" is flawed. (So few of us get any say in how it happens, and placing that kind of judgement on it seems cruel, it makes death one last chance to succeed or fail.) But I'm sorry you had to deal with that situation on top of grieving your friend.

And I do understand that life happens. Both in the sense that sometimes life will make our loved ones unavailable, and in that there are some things in life that no support system can make better.

When I was writing the other day, I basically reached peak freak out, to the point where the anxiety fried my brain and everything shut down. Well, OK, not really. But I hit the point where I said, somethings gotta give, I need to take a thing or two off my plate for a few days. For me that is so unheard of that it is akin to a nervous break ;)

So I told Dag, I'm stressed, I'm a mess, I need to spend this week dealing with shit, I need some time and space. (The shit in question? The AC was fixed for all of two hours before it died again, so I'm juggling work and being home enough to get service appointments and seriously, ugh, just ugh.) Dag was understanding, and we've just been sticking to morning and evening text check-ins. After about 2 days of minimal contact, the crazy dissipated, and I started to feel like me again.

Why does this relationship just RUIN me? Every time I step away from it a little, I go from a nervous wreck to a normal human being. It's just mind blowing, to feel the constant sense of failure fade, to stop living with the drumbeat of Not Good Enough in my mind.

I'm still stressed and sad and anxious - but I'm not down on myself. I don't feel like everything bad in the world is somehow because I didn't do enough. I'm not perfect, but I'm doing the best I can. I'm not out dumping toxic waste in rivers or kicking puppies, you know? Sometimes I can't do it all, or I'm tired, or sad, but that doesn't make me an unloveable failure of a human being.

I was watching my reflection during my workout today (yes, I workout in front of a mirror :rolleyes:) and for the first time in forever, I had positive thoughts about my body. It kinda threw me, I had to stop and think, what's up with that? Where is that change coming from? And it was just the knowledge that Dag wouldn't see me naked for a week or two. Because *I* like my body just fine, but I worry it's not good enough for him. I was having the thought, oh, I can just enjoy my body this week, instead of trying to make it smaller.

I wish I knew what it was about being with Dag that messes with my head. Why I feel so damn Not Good Enough all the time when it comes to him. Why, when I look at myself through my own eyes, I'm content - but when I imagine what Dag sees, I feel like such a disappointment.

For today, and the next few days, though? I'm just going to chill the fuck out and enjoy the break from beating myself up.
 
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