It's a Texlahoma Story

Still pondering the great mystery of why I feel like I'm Not Good Enough for Dag. Still no real answers.

(Also still no reliable AC, although today the techs gave up poking at it and suggested I call an electrician. At this point that feels like progress :rolleyes:)

I'd really like to know where these shitty feelings come from. Because I can see a few possibilities...

1) there is something specific Dag is doing/not doing that makes me feel like crap about myself, and if he changes that behavior, things will be better!

2) there is something specific Dag is doing/not doing that makes me feel like crap about myself, and it's not something he is willing or able to change, but I can at least avoid that thing in future relationships.

3) there's nothing specific to Dag, at all, and I just can't do long-term, non escalator romantic relationships without sinking into a pit of despair.

Some of these possibilities are better than others, obviously :cool: But honestly, at this point I just want to know what's going on with me. If poly itself makes me this miserable, I'll just be mono. Anything is better than hating on yourself all day every day.

Today I was thinking, damn, when this mess with the hvac is straightened out, Andy and I need to go out for a nice dinner and drink ourselves silly... And the this little voice was like, "no, what if you gain a pound and then you see Dag before you can drop it?" :( I mean, I can't live like that.

It's not like Dag ever criticizes my body, or anyone's body for that matter. It's just that headspace of feeling like NOTHING about me is good enough for him.

On an unrelated topic (or hell, for all I know they are related)...

I haven't missed Dag much this week, but I have missed dating. I have missed sex. I have missed going out with a guy for drinks and flirting and feeling sexy. I have found myself wishing I had someone besides Dag to do that stuff with.

(Yes, Andy, obviously! But it's a very different dynamic. He frequently wants to get dressed up, as in like a woman, for date nights. Which is fun!!! but also completely changes the experience for me. It hurts him if I ask him not to, which I completely get, but it also frustrates me to not have a reliable source of Guy Date, which he only sort of gets. Sigh. Yet another area where opening our relationship diffused a lot of tension.)

Anyway, I've been tempted beyond belief this week to throw up a profile on okc and see who's out there. I haven't, because Dag and I have that whole "we will talk before either of us pursues other partners" agreement, and I don't feel up to having that talk.

These dating daydreams, though? They have made me realize that there is a HUGE difference between open and closed poly relationships. As big or bigger than the difference between mono and closed poly relationships. With Andy, at least in the recent past, our limits (sexual and otherwise) have always been stated as, "This is what I can offer, but if you want something more or something different, you have my full support to seek it somewhere else." With Dag, it feels more like, "This is what I can offer, so this is what you get." Which just sucks. I mean, I guess that's how it is in most mono relationships, isn't it? How do people avoid resenting the hell out of their partners :confused::confused::confused:
 
I just have to brag on my husband a little bit...

I told him what the AC guys said, about needing an electrician, and explained what they showed me up in the attic. He left his business dinner early, picked up a 68 cent thing from Home Depot, and went straight to the attic. AC in five minutes flat!!! My hero :eek:

Lake house DIY, here we come :D
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
Why does this relationship just RUIN me? Every time I step away from it a little, I go from a nervous wreck to a normal human being. It's just mind blowing, to feel the constant sense of failure fade, to stop living with the drumbeat of Not Good Enough in my mind . . . I wish I knew what it was about being with Dag that messes with my head. Why I feel so damn Not Good Enough all the time when it comes to him.
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GirlFromTexlahoma said:
Still pondering the great mystery of why I feel like I'm Not Good Enough for Dag. Still no real answers . . . I'd really like to know where these shitty feelings come from . . .
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What occurs to me is that perhaps you're just picking up on Dag's insecurities and feelings about himself. Perhaps he thinks he's not a good enough husband, not a good enough father, not a good enough boyfriend, not a good enough polyamorist... and you're just reading his thoughts. This happens with people all the time -- we read other people so automatically and unconsciously that we don't even realize it. But his thought patterns may bear such a close resemblance or cadence to yours that you think they're your thoughts.

It's like this, as an example... when a person is truly confident and owns it, their confidence is inspiring and sparks confidence and self-assurance in others. To be around them is a high and we become more comfortable being ourselves. But if a person is deeply insecure and questioning their life, while putting on a "brave face" and pretending to be confident, as a cover, we find ourselves comparing who and how we are to others (always coming up short) when we're around them. We wonder why we're not as confident, envy them their bravado, and doubt ourselves. We feel disingenuous and dissatisfied around them. That's when I remind myself of how easy it is to pick up the vibes of other people and think it's me.

It's possible that that's what's got your head spinning whenever you're with him. You've just got a highly sensitive internal tuning fork, in a way.
 
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On the "Not good enough thing",

It could be an internal thing too,. Is this something you have experienced with other lovers? Does the not good enough feelings come up in other ways?

Could be putting him on a pedestal in some ways? Could that be part of it?

I noticed in a previous post around page 57 you commented on squishing your needs out of a fear of loosing him. Maybe the lack of security or lack of room for growth in your relationship makes you feel not good enough? Maybe that's why you are scared to loose him and squish your needs.

I'm just sort of spitballing ideas here.
 
jayblue122 said:
Maybe the lack of security or lack of room for growth in your relationship makes you feel not good enough? Maybe that's why you are scared to loose him and squish your needs.
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It's usually the other way around:

Fear of loss drives insecurity, self-doubt, feelings of entrapment and unworthiness.
 
I would highly encourage you to talk to Dag. Tell him you love him of course. But tell him the DADT thing is slowly killing you. To me, that seems to be the crux of the issue. I never date DADT people, I find it feels to me like dating a cheater. You're basically his dirty little secret, and that is a self esteem crusher. You deserve better.

Tell him you NEED a boyfriend who can be more present for you! You don't have to break up with him. He's a good guy. But surely you can go find yourself another more available bf! Why the hell not!? You're polyamorous, and you don't need to be polyfidelitous! I'd hate being poly-fi.

And if that hurts Dag, let him hurt. It's his own choice to have a DADT with his wife. It might be a wakeup call, come to Jesus moment for him, and make him rethink his lifestyle and grow a little. In other words, it might benefit him in the long run.
 
FallenAngelina said:
It's usually the other way around:

Fear of loss drives insecurity, self-doubt, feelings of entrapment and unworthiness.
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Yes. I agree. I do see it as a cycle that feeds itself tho. :/
 
nycindie said:
What occurs to me is that perhaps you're just picking up on Dag's insecurities and feelings about himself. Perhaps he thinks he's not a good enough husband, not a good enough father, not a good enough boyfriend, not a good enough polyamorist... and you're just reading his thoughts. This happens with people all the time -- we read other people so automatically and unconsciously that we don't even realize it. But his thought patterns may bear such a close resemblance or cadence to yours that you think they're your thoughts.
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You may be on to something with that... Dag and I are VERY similar in our thought patterns, personalities, quirks. His anxiety ALWAYS triggers mine.

It's a weird experience for me, because Andy and I are very different... He runs slow, smooth, calm, quiet, while I spin up with energy then crash.

Is Dag insecure? Yes. Much less so than he used to be. It's amazing how much he has changed over the past year and a half. I'd like to take credit :p but who knows. I will get back to this I think after I turn it over in my brain.

jayblue122 said:
On the "Not good enough thing",

It could be an internal thing too,. Is this something you have experienced with other lovers? Does the not good enough feelings come up in other ways?

Could be putting him on a pedestal in some ways? Could that be part of it?
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Hell yes to the pedestal. I think he's perfect. Not that he has no flaws, just... Even his flaws are the perfect flaws to have. Sigh. I do have a hard time ever seeing anything he does as wrong. When there's a mismatch of needs, I assume *I* must be the one who's expectations are off.

As for the Not Good Enough being a pattern... Not really. I push myself hard, too hard sometimes, but it comes from a place of knowing that I CAN do anything if I put my mind to it.

FallenAngelina said:
Fear of loss drives insecurity, self-doubt, feelings of entrapment and unworthiness.
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This really resonates with me, but I have trouble wrapping my mind around it... My logic loving brain is going, is there a diagram, with helpful arrows, that shows how and why this could happen:confused:

Magdlyn said:
I would highly encourage you to talk to Dag. Tell him you love him of course. But tell him the DADT thing is slowly killing you. To me, that seems to be the crux of the issue. I never date DADT people, I find it feels to me like dating a cheater. You're basically his dirty little secret, and that is a self esteem crusher. You deserve better.
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If I *knew* the DADT was at the root of all this unhappiness, I would. But I keep feeling like there's more to it ... That even if I met his kids and hung out with his wife, I'd STILL feel all these yucky feelings.

Tell him you NEED a boyfriend who can be more present for you! You don't have to break up with him. He's a good guy. But surely you can go find yourself another more available bf! Why the hell not!? You're polyamorous, and you don't need to be polyfidelitous! I'd hate being poly-fi.
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Yeah, I'm not loving the poly-fi either :( Closed relationships just trigger soooo much stress and anxiety for me. I feel like I somehow agreed to meet ALL the needs, ALL the time. And at least 95% of the wants, too! Anything less is just failing at my end of the bargain.

What's really messed up is that when I flip that logic around, I don't say to myself, "ok, then it's also Dag's job to meet all my needs." No, what I think is, "ok, by having closed relationship, I agreed to never have any wants or needs that are inconvenient to Dag."

:cool:

But right now, when I think about dating... I worry I'd be using those guys to make Dag jealous, or even just to distract me from him for an hour or two. I've done that before ( though after breakups) and it felt dishonest and shitty. I don't want to put myself out there as available unless I'm truly available, you know?
 
Flirting with or dating other men to make the husband jealous is so old school though. In the olden days, a woman might do that, flirt, or cheat, to make her husband jealous. Some weird attempt to use our sexual power to control our man.

If you're truly dissatisfied with the set-up with Dag, why can't you just admit it? Why does it all have to be your fault?

Trying to meet all his needs, while shrinking yourself and downplaying your own needs, is a real problem, honey.

And the idea that you can't have a few drinks with Andy to celebrate getting your AC fixed, because you might gain ONE POUND omg and then Dag won't like you... That sounds like very low self esteem. But in other ways you seem to have really great self esteem.

But I know lots of women really stress over a few extra pounds. Stupid cultural programming.
 
I've done soooo much thinking the past few days.

I started to reply to this

Magdlyn said:
Flirting with or dating other men to make the husband jealous is so old school though. In the olden days, a woman might do that, flirt, or cheat, to make her husband jealous. Some weird attempt to use our sexual power to control our man.
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by saying, it may be old school, but it's something that crosses my mind, a lot. It's not about sexual power for me, it's just showing the guy that other men still see me as desirable. That I have other options. That I don't have to settle for being treated badly or taken for granted.

And then I went, huh, well, there it is. I feel taken for granted by Dag.

All of a sudden the little niggling thoughts I'd had about Nycindie's insecurity comments made sense, too. Dag has become MUCH more secure since we've been together, in himself, but also in our relationship. Gone are the days of over-apologizing or texting incessantly. When I mentioned that I'd been feeling insecure about us, I asked if he ever felt that way, and he was like, "Nope! I know you love me." Which is great! But... It's like it's gone TOO far? To the point where he is so sure I'll be there no matter what, that he doesn't bother to put in much effort when it comes to us.

He takes our relationship for granted.

I'm sure half the people reading this are going, um, yeah, hello, obviously. But I did not see it, at least not well enough to put it into words. This is new for me. I have truly never felt taken for granted before. It's WEIRD.

Andy and I are the champions of appreciating each other, all day, every day. We don't just say, "thanks for making breakfast honey!" We say, "You're the best! I love that even after all these years you still make me breakfast! And oh my god you have the cutest nose ever, have I told you that yet today? I love you!!!" I'm not exaggerating. That's how we roll.

I'm the same way with my friends. Gifts or cards that say, "Thanks for being the awesome person you are!!!" are regular occurrences. We don't just show up for all of each other's kids' events, we say, "I'm so glad we could be here to watch C! Being part of this makes me happy, and I love you all to pieces!" Hell, even my friends teenagers are that effusive about shit.

And work... Appreciation is ingrained in the culture there. To the point where at staff meetings, we go around and say what we appreciate about each other. Ironically, that is designed to make up for having sulky, unappreciative clients - but I have boxes full of thank you gifts and sweet letters from families I've worked with. The vast majority of our client families are awesome.

So, yeah, this is new to me. The last time I remember feeling this way was high school, maybe??? I had a friend who thought I'd always loan her money or give her rides no matter how much she blew me off. I'm still sorting out how I feel about this feeling :cool:
 
Is it that he takes you for granted, or that he does not show his appreciation the way you need/are used to? Is this just another aspect of you wanting a style of relationship that you cannot have with Dag? Unconsciously feeling "I am not getting the reaction from Dag that I expect. I must be doing it wrong! If only I were more perfect I would get what I am looking for from him!"?

Leetah
 
Leetah said:
Is it that he takes you for granted, or that he does not show his appreciation the way you need/are used to? Is this just another aspect of you wanting a style of relationship that you cannot have with Dag? Unconsciously feeling "I am not getting the reaction from Dag that I expect. I must be doing it wrong! If only I were more perfect I would get what I am looking for from him!"?

Leetah
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Well, I don't want to pretend I can mind-read Dag! It's possible he appreciates the hell out of me, it's possible he's showing it in ways that don't get through to me.

What I ~feel~ though, is that he sees our relationship as this static thing, a thing that just exists, whether we put in any effort or not. And I am someone who very much sees relationships as living, breathing, dynamic creatures with souls and needs. I've always believed that you have to feed, nurture, and tend to your relationships, or else they wither and die. And I know it sounds corny, but I've always felt that relationships should be celebrated. Anniversaries, sure, but in other ways, too.

This is really the first time I've felt like I could put my finger on a way that Dag is different from my exes, different from my friends. And that feels HUGE to me, because I know I have people in my life whom I love despite our not being entangled in each other's lives. But those people still cherish and celebrate our relationships. They still make a point to talk about how important it is to be part of each other's lives, to spend time together, to connect.

I guess I'm just very skeptical of putting relationships on cruise control, of putting them on the back burner and then expecting them to be there waiting whenever you have time. If a relationship is valuable and important, you put in the effort. You let the person know.

So when Dag doesn't do the over-the-top relationshipping I'm used to, I feel like he doesn't care. Either he truly doesn't give a shit if I disappear, or he assumes I'll stick around because no one else would have me. Both those ideas make me sad. And I've internalized them - he doesn't appreciate me in the way I expect, I assume I'm doing something wrong. Failing somehow. Because if things were good, he'd say so, right?

But then I think about his marriage. He appreciates his wife. He values his marriage. I know both those things are true. But when I ask him if he TELLS her that, he looks at me like I have two heads. They just don't talk about their relationship. They don't do anything on their anniversary, they don't celebrate Valentine's Day. They're married, period, end of story. The marriage simply exists.

I think it's just a difference in the way Dag and I think about relationships. And a difference in how much emoting we do day to day. It bugs me that I have to ask, "Are you happy with me? Are things good with us?" and that his answer is invariably "Well sure, I wouldn't be here if that wasn't the case." But that's just him seeing the relationship as just humming along. He's thinking, we don't need to talk about it unless there's a problem. While I'm thinking, we should be taking the time to relish and delight in the existence of this you+me relationship.
 
Oh, I get what you're saying. It's like the difference between waking up in the morning and living it like it's your last day on earth, making the best of it because you appreciate being alive - and - waking up and seeing the day as a routine of to-do lists, "knowing" that tomorrow will be the same-old same-old and you'll get to play on the weekend. But we can't even take each day for granted, much less the people in our lives! They could be gone tomorrow.

It's very common for people to take a loved one for granted once they feel like the relationship is established. Maybe he needs to be shaken up a bit. I bet if you tell him you don't want to be in a closed relationship with him anymore and want to date others again (whether you actually go for it or not), he'll start appreciating you more -- and hopefully showing it. Try it and see what his reaction is!
 
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nycindie said:
Oh, I get what you're saying. It's like the difference between waking up in the morning and living it like it's your last day on earth, making the best of it because you appreciate being alive - and - waking up and seeing the day as a routine of to-do lists, "knowing" that tomorrow will be the same-old same-old and you'll get to play on the weekend. But we can't even take each day for granted, much less the people in our lives! They could be gone tomorrow.
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Yes! Exactly! And the irony is, Dag complains about feeling like a cog in the machine of life, and says he envies the way Andy and I pursue our dreams. But that's all attitude, you know? We don't have more money than Dag's family, and while the no kids thing helps, K and R live their dreams just fine with 2 kiddos at home, 2 grown, and 2 grandkids between them.

I don't mean to get all depressing, but... I have lost a lot of people in my life. My mom died in her 40s. Same with an uncle. My stepbrother died in his late 20s. I lost a close friend to an accident in high school, another 2 close friends to suicide in college. Life isn't something I take for granted. People being around isn't something I take for granted.

It's very common for people to take a loved one for granted once they feel like the relationship is established. Maybe he needs to be shaken up a bit. I bet if you tell him you don't want to be in a closed relationship with him anymore and want to date others again (whether you actually go for it or not), he'll start appreciating you more -- and hopefully showing it. Try it and see what his reaction is!
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Ugh, I hate feeling like I have to play those games! Though I think I already have, unintentionally. My needing a week of space to deal with the house crisis has prompted him to schedule several advance dates. Sigh.

But in general, I do feel like he thinks he "got" me and now I'm just kind of ... there. Maybe it's my doing, with all the reassurances I have given, all the professions of love, all the compliments :confused: He gave that back -and then some - for the first six months or so, and it has just ... Lessened. To the point where I'm now that girl who fishes for compliments, hey, does this dress look ok, honey? :cool: It leaves me constantly wondering what I'm doing WRONG, that he's not noticing and appreciating me anymore.

It's just frustrating, because it's not that I want him to constantly worry I'll leave! I do want him to know I love him, cherish him, truly value being in this relationship. I just want him to see my love and commitment as valuable things. Things worth rejoicing in every day. Not reasons to scale back the effort, to put his energy into other things and assume I'll just be there waiting whenever he has time for me :(
 
I've been keeping up with your blog and it occurred to me that you don't have an escalator problem as you've described. You're in a relationship that creates a feeling of being less for you. I don't believe Dag is doing this on purpose or acting maliciously. And I do think that some of your own baggage is interacting with this relationship in ways that are pretty bad for you.

But regardless of origin, this relationship makes you feel awful, feel less than. One of opalescent's aphorisms is 'Don't stay with someone who wants you to be less than you are'. You two are incompatible in some very serious ways. And for whatever reason, this is playing out by you attempting to make this relationship work by making yourself smaller, lesser. And then you feel awful for doing so.

Stop doing things that hurt you and make you feel lesser. You are not less than, not good enough - you are just fine as you are. This relationship is toxic and it's not really your fault or his fault. It's just a bad fit for the both of you.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
1) there is something specific Dag is doing/not doing that makes me feel like crap about myself, and if he changes that behavior, things will be better!

2) there is something specific Dag is doing/not doing that makes me feel like crap about myself, and it's not something he is willing or able to change, but I can at least avoid that thing in future relationships.

3) there's nothing specific to Dag, at all, and I just can't do long-term, non escalator romantic relationships without sinking into a pit of despair.
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I bet on number 2, or more specifically a twisted number 2: It is something specific in the interaction between you and Dag, that makes you extremely uncomfortable. The issue may be avoided in future relationships, or managed by a complete change of attitude on your (both of your) sides(s).

Sorry if I come over as harsh now, I know it's hard, ok?

Reading back a week of your posts (I was away), I wonder about those
- There seemed to be a great breakthrough when you both told each other that you are struggling with DADT, but no follow up at all. Will you two sit down and discuss the situation further? Find out what's most hurtful to you and him, make small adjustments at least? Go through the possibilities? Discuss why openness works for you and Andy and what would need to change for Dag to be able open the discussions with his wife a little at least?
- He let you hanging in a crisis. It hurt you. I would get furious (and I don't get furios often), but you didn't tell him at all. No "look, I know you have that rule, but this felt really unfair to me and I'm feeling really neglected. Would you at least care to tell me what happened and check in on me once you can afford to send an sms again?" Instead you wait for him to start the talk.
- You've deciphered that he's not showing you appreciation in the way you're used to, or rather not at all. You speculate here where the difference in attitude is. Again, when are you going to point out the difference to him and ask him what his actual attitude is? Are you going to find out if he could try harder, or at least reciprocate when you express your appreciation? (I am firmly convinced that expressing appreciation is a learned skill and habit.)
- You want to meet other people. Rather then negotiating the possibility, you thing doing that would be playing games.

I think you need to stand up for yourself way more, case by case, little by little. That could show him that you're not to be taken for granted without playing games. Insisting on your needs and wants is not playing games, it's direct communication. From last weeks examples, you two don't seem to have much of that.
 
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opalescent said:
I've been keeping up with your blog and it occurred to me that you don't have an escalator problem as you've described. You're in a relationship that creates a feeling of being less for you. I don't believe Dag is doing this on purpose or acting maliciously. And I do think that some of your own baggage is interacting with this relationship in ways that are pretty bad for you.
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This is very true. And sad, and frustrating.

I'm sure plenty of people who read this are just thinking, break up with him already! But so much of the time I feel like it's *my* issues, *my* baggage, that's the problem. That if I could just figure myself out, I could be happy in this relationship.


Tinwen said:
I bet on number 2, or more specifically a twisted number 2: It is something specific in the interaction between you and Dag, that makes you extremely uncomfortable. The issue may be avoided in future relationships, or managed by a complete change of attitude on your (both of your) sides(s).
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I think you're probably right.

I'm bolding my answers to your questions - thank you for those, they helped me focus much better :)

- There seemed to be a great breakthrough when you both told each other that you are struggling with DADT, but no follow up at all. Will you two sit down and discuss the situation further? Find out what's most hurtful to you and him, make small adjustments at least? Go through the possibilities? Discuss why openness works for you and Andy and what would need to change for Dag to be able open the discussions with his wife a little at least?

I'm going to try! He's reading More Than Two now, I recommended a few other things.

- He let you hanging in a crisis. It hurt you. I would get furious (and I don't get furios often), but you didn't tell him at all. No "look, I know you have that rule, but this felt really unfair to me and I'm feeling really neglected. Would you at least care to tell me what happened and check in on me once you can afford to send an sms again?" Instead you wait for him to start the talk.

Yeah, I completely chickened out on talking to him about it. I just sulked in silence for a couple of days and waited for the hurt to pass. This is one of those situations where I get to feeling like I don't deserve his help, I'm not important enough... And then those feelings make me worry that if I bring it up, he'll just leave :(

- You've deciphered that he's not showing you appreciation in the way you're used to, or rather not at all. You speculate here where the difference in attitude is. Again, when are you going to point out the difference to him and ask him what his actual attitude is? Are you going to find out if he could try harder, or at least reciprocate when you express your appreciation? (I am firmly convinced that expressing appreciation is a learned skill and habit.)
I completely agree about it being a learned skill. I'm trying to figure out how to ask without sounding whiny??? Because he DOES reciprocate, usually. It just means less when it's a "me too" rather than a spontaneous gesture. But God I sound nagging and picky.

- You want to meet other people. Rather then negotiating the possibility, you thing doing that would be playing games.
This one is sooooo complicated for me. It's already an effort not to slut shame myself for dating outside my marriage. I'm not sure I could handle sexual relationships with multiple guys.

In previous relationships, even though they were "open", I never slept with anyone besides my Official Boyfriend. I dated. It was fun. I made out with cute guys I'd never see again. But I knew in the back of my mind that if I DID meet someone worth getting naked with, I'd have serious issues.

Which, honestly, is something I REALLY need to work on. I know that a part of the "don't deserve to be treated well" and "shouldn't have any needs or expectations" comes from that shame. The sense that by simply being in an open marriage, I have forfeited my "good girl card" and the respect that goes with it. So dumb. But such a strong emotion.

Sometimes I think I'd be happier just having 2 or 3 FWB, heavy on the friendship, no pressure on the benefits. A break from the "I must girlfriend until I drop" mentality. At least until/unless I meet somebody who's willing to put real time and effort into a relationship.

But then I worry I'd just

Ok, I seriously just typed, "I worry I'd just become Anna-Louise" :eek:How judgemental and catty am I??? But yeah, it's a fear, having that reputation. That once I do the NSA, multiple FWBs thing, no one will ever again see me as deserving of more than that.

I think you need to stand up for yourself way more, case by case, little by little. That could show him that you're not to be taken for granted without playing games. Insisting on your needs and wants is not playing games, it's direct communication. From last weeks examples, you two don't seem to have much of that.
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Communication. Yes. One of those things that's easier when you either see your partner regularly or can depend on them to not disappear mid text :cool:
 
I'm slow to anger. Partly this is just my personality, it takes a lot to rile me up. Partly it's a learned thing, because anger in my bio family usually ended with someone on the ER, or the psych ward, or occasionally one person in each :rolleyes:

But today, I'm finally angry at Dag.

He has been running every night, and sending me selfies of him out running, and screenshots of his fitness apps. He wants to run in a 5k his wife helps put on for the school every fall. Awesome! Yay! I have been his cheerleader, telling him how impressed I am that he's training in the heat, how good his legs look, how cool it is that he's doing this to be more involved with his wife's stuff.

Last night I made a comment like, "oh, I'm such a slacker compared to you, lol". (I haven't been running, I've been doing cardio videos instead, plus mowing 2 properties takes 4 hours per week.) This morning he sends another selfie, with the comment, "here's your inspiration to work out".

I didn't say anything. Because I am a big chicken.

But inside, something flipped. Seriously? Ok, one, I don't have to work out just because you do. Two, you're training for a 5k and I've been running two or three times that regularly since I was 20 years old. I'd like to see you hold a 5 minute plank or do 50 full burpees.

And somehow that little bit of angry just opened a floodgate. I'm so angry about so many things.

I'm angry that he disappeared on me during the first night my AC was out, and never said why.

I'm angry that we didn't celebrate our anniversary. Or Valentines Day. Or my birthday.

I'm angry that he said he wanted to have a dialogue about our relationship and then just quit responding to my emails.

I'm angry that he says over and over that he wants to come boating or hiking on the weekends but never shows.

I'm angry that all the "ebb and flow" and "flexibility" he wants in our relationship revolve around HIS other priorities.

Whew. Writing that just feels like 50 lb weights sliding off my shoulders.

You know what else? I'm also angry at MYSELF, for putting up with all that in silence with a smile pasted on my face.

And I'm angry at myself for feeling like I have to make this relationship work, just to prove I'm not some flaky NRE junkie slut. Who the hell cares if I am? That's better than being a doormat. But for the record, I'm not. I tried REALLY FUCKING HARD.

I need some time to work on me. To unravel the reasons I let everything get this shitty. And to just live my damn life, enjoy it for what it is, instead of obsessing over whether it meets with Dag's approval.
 
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