It's a Texlahoma Story

This morning I am just :confused::confused::confused:

I spent a couple of hours last night texting with The British Cutie. Just random stuff, a lot of flirting, a little sexual innuendo. He just found a loft downtown that has floor to ceiling glass windows, and I may have hinted at a fondness for naked fun in places like that :eek:

In the middle of the night he sent me a link to a porn site ... Which actually doesn't bother me at all, I like (some) porn, and I'm not shy about it. But the tag line on this site was "All girls, filmed by girls, for girls!" Um... I'm also not shy about being straight. Like, very straight. The kind of straight where I've actually tried being with girls, and it did absolutely nothing for me.

So I'm scrolling through this 100% girl on girl site and thinking, why on earth would he send me this with the message "Found this for you! Enjoy!"???? Do men not believe us when we tell them our sexual orientation? Do they think even straight girls like watching other girls together? Is this like the reverse of guys who assume all lesbians secretly crave dick?

I feel like a kid who just opened a Christmas present and found ugly socks inside. Um, thanks? I guess it's the thought that counts, I'm just concerned that the thought here is, I'd like to watch some girls get naked together, and I'm hoping you'll provide that for me. :cool:
 
I'd just tell him "Thanks, but I actually prefer to watch nice male bodies". Maybe you get gay porn then :D
 
Oh, I'm definitely going to tell him it was weird... In the same text where I tell him I don't think there's any point in us going out again.

He had asked me to go out again Thursday, and I was on the fence - have a date with Science Guy tomorrow and date night with Andy Friday, so that would be a lot of nights out this week. But now it's a big ol' nope.

He seemed cool, we got along, but after one date I just don't care enough to have some big discussion about it. And I wouldn't want to keep dating him without discussing it. I am pretty sex-positive, but I also think porn viewing falls into the category of stuff you deserve an opportunity to consent to (or not). I don't really want to date somebody who thinks sending women he barely knows random porn links is a-ok. Maybe he thought it was cool because we were dancing around kink and sex in our texts. Who knows. Who cares.

Plus I am super sensitive to the whole girl on girl aspect, because I have been in many situations where I felt pressured to do it, and treated like a disappointment when I said no. So there's that.

Of course, there is a part of me second guessing myself, wondering if I'm being too harsh, too judgy, too picky. Sigh. I need to make a big sign that says "YOU DON'T HAVE TO DATE ANYONE YOU DON'T WANT TO DATE" and hang it over my mirror or something.
 
Oh, right on!! (writing that probably shows my age) Good for you for putting the kabosh on that. No, you don't owe him a thing. Going out with you and seeing you again is a privilege that must be earned - remember that.

I feel the same way. I had found an old bf on LinkedIn and we were writing to each other for a while. It had been about 25 years since we dated, but the convos turned erotic - and then he emailed me a link to an online video of a woman blowing some guy, who looked like she wasn't enjoying it at all, and I was like WTF??? I'm not that much into porn, though I enjoy it sometimes, but sending it unsolicited completely turned me off and I stopped writing to him soon afterward. In your case, yeah, sending shit like that when you barely know someone is kinda creepy.
 
Life has been quiet lately, in a good way!

Still on OKC, still going out on dates, still not really feeling it with anybody. The hot scientist was a total sweetheart, so much fun - and a swinger. Nothing wrong with that, but it's soooo not me, to the point where I don't feel comfortable dating anyone who's into it.

More and more, I'm adjusting to "monogamish" life and quite happy with it. I have more time with Andy, and K and her family, and I'm less stressed about work hours. It's nice to just be able to say yes or no to dates without feeling obligated to ~make time~ for someone, work around their schedule.

The lack of sex (at least of the kind I enjoy most) is the downside. I'm still hoping to find someone who's a good fit as a fwb. There's a tiny nagging guilty feeling about wanting that, all the fun of a relationship without the headaches. But if I'm honest, upfront, guys can take it or leave it. Dating has been good for helping me realize that there are plenty of dudes up for something fwb-like. Especially because, for me, that label doesn't mean restrictions on feelings or time or anything, really. It simply means we're not committing to anything long term, we both get that if circumstances change, our relationship will either change or end.

One of Steph's friends is throwing a congratulations-on-the-promotion party next weekend, I can't decide if I should go. The invite was for us both, Andy is going, obviously. I feel like it was a default "invite both members of married couples" thing, so... Eh. I only know like 2 people who will be there. I'd rather go out for Chinese with K. I feel ~slightly~ like I should go because it's just what you do... :cool:
 
Told Andy I didn't really feel like going to Steph's party, I think he was actually relieved :) He said he was fine being Steph's plus one instead of bringing a plus one. Sometimes I feel bad not wanting more of a friendship with her, but I'm just soooo much happier keeping things separate. I'm definitely better at compersion when I'm not asked to go out of my way, lol. And when stuff isn't in my face.

The biggest frustration Andy and I have right now is that he's just not up for much going out, at least with me. He wants date nights, but just dinner and then home. Trying to plan stuff with K and crew elicits heavy sighs and talk of how tired he is. While I am really missing going out and boozing and people watching - for the past two years I got my fix with Dag :cool: Anyway, you'd think I'd be thrilled he wants to go to this party and be out late, but ... He's doing it for Stephanie, you know? Not for me. So honestly, I don't really want to go and get trickle-down social time with my husband.

I'm (oddly) not that jealous about Andy summoning more energy for Steph things right now... Just envious. I'm happy he gets that with her, I just wish we had more of it. I guess it's an adjustment, for me, not having my own oso to turn to for that stuff.
 
Ok, seriously, wtf is wrong with me :(

I've been hanging out in this nice, happy, stable place lately. Enjoying flirting and dating, enjoying the possibility of finding more someday. Doing awesome with knowing my boundaries and sticking to them.

And then today, I start chatting with a guy online who's married and open... Boom, instantly back to panicky feelings and insecurity and stress. Was just an incredibly boring, innocuous chat, and it sent me reeling, because wife.

Like I'm just sitting here FREAKING OUT because I heard some things about some dudes wife.

Ugh ugh ugh.

Why am I okay with ~me~ when I'm talking to single guys, and so not okay with myself when the guy has a wife or girlfriend? Why does the existence of a wife or girlfriend make me doubt myself? Doubt what I want, what I need, and that I am allowed to want and need those things? Doubt that I deserve to be happy in a relationship?
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
Why am I okay with ~me~ when I'm talking to single guys, and so not okay with myself when the guy has a wife or girlfriend? Why does the existence of a wife or girlfriend make me doubt myself? Doubt what I want, what I need, and that I am allowed to want and need those things? Doubt that I deserve to be happy in a relationship?
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You give her priority because she is "the wife"? Trying not to be bad girl concerning someone else's marriage, while not realizing your double standards? (You don't get all the priority before Andy's friend-girls, do you?)
 
Maybe because when they have a wife, as far as you're concerned there is NO possibility for riding the relationship escalator. Even though the same lack of possibility might exist with a single guy, maybe you perceive that differently, because at least *they* don't have a partner blocking the escalator, even if you do?

Or, if you're anything like me, maybe because somewhere inside you still don't feel "good enough," especially if you compare yourself to other women, and when there's no wife involved there's no woman to compare yourself with, so you feel more comfortable/confident about the relationship?
 
Tinwen and KC, I know all those things you brought up are *part* of the issue... But they are also not the part that gives me panic attacks and makes me sick to my stomach. I can think about those things and feel ok, maybe a little uncomfortable, but still rational.

And then I think about some guy going home and telling his wife about our date and I feel so gross I want to throw up.

One thing I've had to be brutally honest about myself with recently is that it's no coincidence I broke up with Dag when he started talking about changing his DADT and/or dating others. No time for me? I'm willing to work on things. I feel like I'm only good for sex? I bitch and moan, but stick around. But suggest you might talk more about to your wife, and I bolt. Even though it might have meant more time, more inclusion, it was terrifying. It's not the only reason I ended things, but it was one reason.

I don't know WHY exactly I fear the loss of privacy so much... I'm not that concerned, usually, with people talking about me. It doesn't bother me to imagine a guy talking about our date to his platonic friends, or his family... But his female partner? Cold sweats, shakes, racing heart.

I could (obviously) ask anyone I date to keep certain things private - but I guess I don't trust that they would. Not from a life partner. Both my first two long term boyfriends told their wives everything, and it led to endless drama. I mean, even Andy has to be stopped from sharing stuff about his friend girls by me sticking my fingers in my ears and yelling "la la la don't wanna hear that!" So it feels like everything I do or say to a boyfriend is automatically known to his wife or long term girlfriend, if he has one. And I really can't handle that. :(
 
For once in my life I'm speechless, so I'll just quote someone who said it better than I ever could.

“No one in this world, so far as I know — and I have searched the records for years, and employed agents to help me — has ever lost money by underestimating the intelligence of the great masses of the plain people. Nor has anyone ever lost public office thereby.” H.L. Mencken
 
I'm in shock still. Just zombied out and mind-fucked that everyone around me is just going about their days like everything is normal. The last time I felt like this was 9-11. Before that, when my mom died.

I'm sick to my stomach and I think I'm probably word-salading more than not. Everything seems... Very far away. Pointless. I hope someday I will get angry and be able to do something with that, but today I feel nothing.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
I'm in shock still. Just zombied out and mind-fucked that everyone around me is just going about their days like everything is normal.
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I don't think anyone was going about their days like normal after 9/11. Nor today! I was out shopping and looking at everyone and thinking, either they are celebrating in their deep sick hearts, or they are horrified and scared shitless. But hell, we still need to go get the groceries. Lots of them have kids at home who are innocent, with no understanding of the orange troll, but still need to be fed.

On the other hand, lots of them, some of my friends, have slightly older kids who puked last night or this morning, or cried themselves to sleep, unconsolable.
 
Magdlyn said:
I don't think anyone was going about their days like normal after 9/11. Nor today! I was out shopping and looking at everyone and thinking, either they are celebrating in their deep sick hearts, or they are horrified and scared shitless. But hell, we still need to go get the groceries. Lots of them have kids at home who are innocent, with no understanding of the orange troll, but still need to be fed.
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Here in suburban Texas, most people are celebrating today :cool:
 
I'm still numb.

I feel almost silly for how strongly I've reacted to this. I pretty much live in an upper middle class bubble... Nothing Trump does will really alter *my* life very much. I don't even have any friends or family members who rely on government programs, I guess my older relatives get social security and Medicare, but they're all well off and would be fine without it.

But I'm just ... Shocked, horrified, sick to my stomach. It's like nothing matters anymore. Work, walk, tv, sleep, repeat. I barely eat. It's like the possibility of enjoying anything is gone. One thing is the same as the next - empty and pointless, all of it.

Andy tried to talk to me earlier about whether he should stay overnight at Steph's Saturday and I just stared at him. How could I possibly care? How could anyone possibly care? How are you even going out and having fun and living like everything is normal?

I spend so much time thinking I have no empathy, no love for my fellow humans, and here I am crying all day because of the horrible things that will be done to people I don't even know. I guess I have empathy after all, just not for metamours. Good to know.

Not that it matters. I took down my OKC profile. Dating seems as ridiculously useless as everything else right now.
 
I haven't been around here much lately, and I probably won't be for a while, but I figured I'd try to write an "ending" for my little story. I wish it was a happier one. I wish I could say I'd figured it all out and was sailing off into poly happily ever after. But it's more that I'm closing the poly chapter in my life, trying to pick up the pieces and move on.

It's not me. It doesn't work for me. I spent a year of my life trying to do poly, and I tore myself to shreds in the process. I refuse to do that anymore. I hate the bitter, angry, jealous person I have become. I want to like myself again, be happy again, live my life again.

What am I bitter about? Honestly, I'm bitter that I ever heard of polyamory, and that I turned my happy, healthy open relationship into something miserable and ugly in the pursuit of poly. I wish I could go back in time and undo it all, but I can't, so, forward. Forward and grateful beyond words that I still have my wonderful husband, my friends, my work, my passions. Grateful that I can see glimmers of happiness again.

I keep writing and deleting long, confusing paragraphs about why I can't deal with poly. I'm not going to bother. Because the one thing that calms me right now, when my insides still feel like a hurricane, is the realization that I don't owe anyone a justification for not wanting to practice polyamory any more. It's my decision, and I'm the only one whose opinion matters. If anyone thinks wanting FWBs instead of boyfriends makes me a dirty slut, they can think that. If they believe I'm being unethical by sharing romantic love but withholding commitment, they can think that, too. I'm past caring what anyone thinks.

This seems like the part where I should talk about all the things I learned, but I don't think I learned much. I tried to dismantle everything I believed, and couldn't find anything new to believe in. I tore down all my boundaries, only to have to build them again from scratch. I'm not seeing growth, just lost ground. If I can even get back to the sort-of stable, mostly happy person I was pre-poly, I'll be thrilled with that. Hell, if I can shed even half of the new trust issues and neuroses I've developed this year, I'll be satisfied.

In a hat tip to the Generation X stories that inspired this blog, I'll end with a bit of irony. As soon as I let go of aspiring to be poly, I reacquired all of those much touted poly skills I had lost over the months. Self care? Check. Boundaries? Got 'em. Time management? All good.

I think I just couldn't stand up for myself, or love myself, when I was trying so hard to erase myself and be someone else. I just hope I can continue to do those things now, from a place of being true to what I believe and what I need.
 
Claire.

I am so glad to hear that you are doing self care, healthy boundaries, and rebuilding and regaining your happiness. I hope that this is not the end of your blog, because frankly I think you're great and I'd love to hear how you're doing once in a while.

Look at me...I mean, LOOK at me, I'm not remotely doing anything even poly-ish these days, I'm way less poly than you! My partner and I are mono-mono! But I'm still here. Still posting. Why? Because people here are nice. Because sometimes blogging helps me crunch ideas. Because as you said, some of the advice people give for "how to poly good" is just actually "how to human good." If it helps, it helps!

You are not a dirty slut. Not now or ever.

Nobody is gonna take your membership card.

You don't owe anyone an explanation or anything else.

I like you, I think you're great. I wish you all the best, whatever you're up to! If nothing else, I betcha the last year taught you some stuff you didn't know about yourself, huh? That is valuable.

*hugs* Best regards, Claire from Texlahoma. Hope to see ya around!
 
Spork said:
Nobody is gonna take your membership card.
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I wish there was a membership card, so I could burn it, like the guys who burned their draft cards in the 60s.

Honestly, I love everything about this site, except that no matter how many times or ways I say "I'm not poly!" people tell me that yes, I am.

No.

I don't want to be polyamorous. Or do polyamory. Or live polyamorously.

I want to be in ONE committed but open relationship. Where my only obligations are to my husband. I don't want to (and won't) promise anything to anyone else. Nor will I expend one iota of energy giving a fuck about the partners of any guy I happen to date. Or the general ethics of anything. If I'm ok with it, and Andy is ok with it, it is hereby known as *ethical enough*. Guys who don't find that appealing can simply decline to sleep with me.

What destroyed me before was "poly creep" - the idea that hey, it just means a little more commitment here, a little more communication there - until ALL I DID WAS POLY. I can't go there again, I'll lose my mind. But when I commit, I go all in. So, I have taken a good, hard look at myself and my life, and said, I have no room for that. No emotional reserves for that. For now, extra marital things will either be simple and enjoyable, or over.

And I'm not going to apologize or make excuses for that. I have the right to be simply open, just like others have the right to be mono, or poly, or swingers, or part of a wolf pack, or whatever other relationship form they choose.

I do enjoy hanging out on this site, maybe I'll start a new blog, although I really have nothing to process or agonize about anymore ;) Things are still rough - post-election blahs, re-learning to speak up for myself - but there's no longer any confusion or internal debate. I know which way is up, for the first time in a year, and I know who I am and what I want. Would make for a very boring blog!
 
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