It's a Texlahoma Story

Just want to chime in as a single poly woman not opposed to more entanglement. I'm 40 I'd love real to live with me part time or to figure out a shared arrangement with him and lady. But I think about things like the three of us having a duplex or other multi family dwelling. I'm 40, I don't share my kitchen dammit. And I've worked very hard to be independent. Please don't envision all your hubby's possible future gf as gold diggers looking for a free ride. Give them time to be human.
 
WhatHappened said:
There are many responses here regarding what poly women want. Does he plan on dating only poly women?
Click to expand...

Andy actually doesn't *plan* on dating anyone new. This was just kind of a thought exercise for me, sometimes I like to play out the what-ifs to help me understand myself a little better :) He's happy with me and Stephanie, and sometimes a low-key fwb thing with Anna-Louse. He might be open to other casual things, but he feels like he doesn't have the energy for a third serious relationship.

But it's interesting that my first reaction to your question was, why the hell would a mono woman want to date a married guy??? I still assume everybody wants a 24/7 relationship, and the only reason they'd date someone who couldn't offer that was if they could find a live-in arrangement elsewhere. C'mon Claire, shake those cobwebs out of your brain!

playfulgirl said:
Just want to chime in as a single poly woman not opposed to more entanglement. I'm 40 I'd love real to live with me part time or to figure out a shared arrangement with him and lady. But I think about things like the three of us having a duplex or other multi family dwelling. I'm 40, I don't share my kitchen dammit. And I've worked very hard to be independent. Please don't envision all your hubby's possible future gf as gold diggers looking for a free ride. Give them time to be human.
Click to expand...

Apologies in advance if the following turns into an anxiety fueled rant ... And playfulgirl, this is not directed at *you*... Because it sounds like you and your partner and meta are on the same page with this stuff, and that's great...

But "maybe we could get a duplex!" is EXACTLY the kind of thing that terrifies me when I think about Andy meeting someone new. Because it's an entirely reasonable proposition and yet my reaction is oh hell no. That's asking me to change up *my* life for a relationship I'm not even part of. And that triggers every "I hate poly" feeling for me.

I get that it's natural and expected, in some cases, for long-term partners to change their life plans for each other. I certainly didn't plan on living in Texas, but Andy's family and career are here, so I'm here. But... I'm not ok with being asked to make those kind of changes for a metamour. Or asking my partner to do that.

I met lots of great single poly guys when I was dating, but I never got serious with any of them, because I feared the "maybe we could get a duplex" moment. Andy would have the same oh hell no reaction to the idea of moving to be closer to a guy I was seeing. It's much easier for me to date guys who are already settled in nesting partnerships, and very unlikely to want or expect that kind of thing.

So that's my issue with Andy ever dating someone who wanted a more entangled relationship. I completely get that she would have wants and needs in her relationship with Andy, but I don't see how he could meet those without forcing me to give up things I want and need.
 
Life has a way of giving me the "oh hell no things!" The irony is that usually (not always), it ends up ok. The thing I feared the most ends up being something or someone I love the most. That's the problem with these types of thought exercises, for me anyway...where I am now is not where I'll be a few months or years from now. :)
 
PinkPig said:
Life has a way of giving me the "oh hell no things!" The irony is that usually (not always), it ends up ok. The thing I feared the most ends up being something or someone I love the most. That's the problem with these types of thought exercises, for me anyway...where I am now is not where I'll be a few months or years from now. :)
Click to expand...

Very true. On the one hand, that's a comforting thought... That maybe if this ever comes to pass, I'll be fine with it. On the other hand, it makes me worry that I'm not allowed to have any hard limits at all :cool: For me, right now at least, Andy wanting to move for another partner would be enough for me to file for divorce. (I used to think I'd never ever consider divorce, and then I started researching polyamory, and realized that there are actually many scenarios where I would run screaming to a lawyer :rolleyes:)

It seems... disengenous, I guess, for me to even say that maybe someday I'll be fine with more metamour entanglement. I would hate for Andy to start new relationships with the mindset that eventually I'll "come around" and be ok with it. Seems likely to end in heartbreak for someone, me or Andy or the unknown future girlfriend :confused:

So, for now, it's a hard limit for me. Maybe someday it won't be.
 
What's going through my head right now...

When someone says, "I don't want to entwine my life with any partners because I value my independence and autonomy", we cheer. Yay for boundaries! Yay for priorities and self care!

When someone says, "I don't want to entwine my life with any new partners, because I value the way my life is already entwined with my current partner", we attack. Boo, couple privilege! Boo, hierarchy!

Why:confused: Both have the exact same effect on the potential new partner. Both limit the amount of time and entanglement that the relationship can offer. Why is one considered ok, and the other not???
 
I think it's because when you say "I value my independence and autonomy," you're putting the focus on yourself. You are making the choice you're making for your own benefit. Whereas if you say "I value my entwined partner," you're making a choice about your relationship with one person based on your relationship with another, and are benefiting that other.

It's the difference between saying "I don't want to eat the chocolates you gave me because I'm trying to eat more healthfully" and saying "I can't eat the chocolates you gave me because my husband likes my figure the way it is."

If you're making a choice that affects your partner based on something about you, it seems more fair than making a choice that affects your partner based on something about someone who isn't actually part of the relationship.

Does that make sense?
 
KC43 said:
I think it's because when you say "I value my independence and autonomy," you're putting the focus on yourself. You are making the choice you're making for your own benefit. Whereas if you say "I value my entwined partner," you're making a choice about your relationship with one person based on your relationship with another, and are benefiting that other.
Click to expand...

Not trying to be argumentative here, but on the same page with GFT in trying to understand. If it (your life with your entwined partner) is something that YOU value, isn't it still for your own benefit to focus on and preserve it, though? And your benefit to the "other" is a side effect rather than necessarily being the aim?

This whole thing is something that boggles my mind a bit, too, so I'm definitely curious to understand how it works for others.
 
Going back to earlier posts, just wanna say that even *if* Andy were to hit it off with a new chick who said, "Let's all get a duplex together!" all he has to do is say no. You seem to fear that this imaginary person will insist on getting her way and make your life miserable, but she can have a preference or desire AND also be mature enough to accept reality and know, like most grown-ups do, that you can't always get what you want. Again, it comes down to trusting Andy to make good choices.
 
nycindie said:
You seem to fear that this imaginary person will insist on getting her way and make your life miserable, but she can have a preference or desire AND also be mature enough to accept reality and know, like most grown-ups do, that you can't always get what you want.
Click to expand...

Thank you :) for reminding me that the vast, vast majority of people are sane and reasonable! I know it sounds odd but I forget this sometimes :eek: It's some combination of having a bat shit crazy bio family and working in social services, where I see a lot of not-so-well-adjusted folks.
 
Reverie said:
If it (your life with your entwined partner) is something that YOU value, isn't it still for your own benefit to focus on and preserve it, though? And your benefit to the "other" is a side effect rather than necessarily being the aim?
Click to expand...

This is exactly what I was thinking ...

Sometimes in a long-term partnership your lives become so entwined that it's almost impossible to separate "for my benefit" from "for my partner's benefit". So while what you're saying makes a lot of sense in the abstract, KC43, in the day to day it's really hard to tease that stuff apart.

Maybe that's especially true for me, I moved in with Andy while I was still in college, so I have never had an adult life separate from him. Neither of us has ever had any real "life plans" that we didn't make together. So my priorities and Andy's priorities tend to be one and the same, at least when it comes to the serious stuff.

I do see the difference between focusing on *yourself* and focusing on *your relationship*. Interesting point. I may start framing some of this differently in my mind. Instead of thinking about "my life with Andy", maybe I should just think, "my life".
 
On the way to Geeky Con :D

I am sooooo excited - mostly just for a long weekend, it's been forever since I've had 3 days in a row of fun with no responsibilities.

Also a little nervous. Not about Dag and Andy meeting. They'll either hit it off or they won't, and either way it turns out is fine. I think meeting will help everyone relax a little whether they end up being friends or not.

The nervous is about trying to bounce back and forth between Andy time and Dag time over the next few days. I am one of those people who is always 15 minutes late :eek: and I'm worried I'll end up pissing off one or both of them with that behavior. Andy keeps telling me, "just plan to leave 15 minutes earlier"... But he's been telling me that for 15 years now and it hasn't worked yet :rolleyes:
 
Reverie and GFT, you guys are focusing on the intent of the statement. Intention-wise, yes, keeping the entanglement in good shape can be of benefit to you.

I'm talking about the specific *words*. When you *say* you want to do something in a relationship because of your entangled partner, it *sounds like* you're saying the entangled partner is more important than the nonentangled one and gets a say in the nonentangled relationship while the nonentangled partner gets no say.

That might not be what you *intend* or what you mean when you say that, but that's how it is often taken by others, and that's what they're reacting to.
 
Damn. I don't even know what to write.

This was honestly one of the best weekends of my life. I had 3 uninterrupted days with my 2 favorite people :) Dag and Andy meeting went better than I had dared to hope, and I got plenty of one on one time with them both, and I got to see a seriously awesome gaming con and walk around a gorgeous city in perfect weather.

Writing everything that happened would take hours. So, the highlights...

All three of us had dinner together Friday and Saturday; Andy and Dag got along really well. Lots of margaritas and yummy food and talking and laughing. Afterward, Andy said Dag seemed "like a good guy" - this is high praise from him ;) Dag told me over and over he was so happy he'd gotten to meet Andy :D He said any awkward or stressy feelings he'd had about how open Andy and I are were completely gone. And he said, "I'm so glad I get to be a part of this". Awwww :eek:

Andy and I had an awesome day together Saturday. We overdid the walking (his foot is still not 100% from surgery over the summer) but had a wonderful time. Ice cream cones for lunch. Taking pictures of historic buildings and brainstorming lake house ideas. Two amazing art museums. Just exploring a new city together. We haven't done that in a couple of years, and I'd missed it.

The con was INSANE. I went for a few hours Friday and a few hours today... Dag did 3 solid days there. Crazy. Gaming is not really my thing but I had a blast watching demos, playing old school arcade games with Dag, and helping him pick out presents for his kids. Aaaand I spent early Saturday morning, Saturday night, and Sunday morning naked in Dag's bed... I had so much sex this weekend I can barely walk. Seriously, I think my internal organs have all shifted into weird places from all the sex. Soooo worth it though :p

I can't believe how natural it felt to be around both guys at the same time. No weird "worlds colliding" feelings at all. No awkwardness around PDA - I was my usual overly affectionate self with both of them and neither cared. I've hung out with Andy and guys I was seeing in the past, but never anyone I cared about as much as I do Dag. And of course Dag had never done anything like this before. But it was ... Easy. Normal. Amazing.

I'm definitely coming down from it all hard, though. Andy keeps saying how nice it is to be home, see the dogs, sleep on our own bed... And I'm just sad it's over and who knows when I'll get a weekend like that again. Feels like the "sub drop" I've read about on other blogs here. Is there a "Poly Borg Collective" drop? ;)
 
So glad the weekend went well for you!

And I think there might be a Poly Borg Collective drop. LOL. I used to have meltdown-ish reactions 2-3 days after each time I was with a partner other than Hubby; at the time, I thought it was because I was feeling guilty for being with a partner other than him. But I now seriously wonder if it was a reaction to the endorphin crash and just *manifested* as an anxiety attack about being with another guy...especially since, now that I think about it, it happened quite a bit while I was involved with S2, and I don't recall ever feeling guilty for fucking him or being involved with him. (Though if I looked back far enough in my blog, I might see differently.)

Sub drop is caused by the wearing off of the endorphin rush one often gets during a BDSM "scene" (I put that in parentheses because I don't consider what Woody and I usually do to be scenes, but I get the same result). Sex also causes an endorphin rush, obviously, and I think for at least some people, that rush is heightened when it's with a partner other than the one you're used to having sex with. So it stands to reason that having it wear off would have a similar--or the same--effect as so-called "sub drop," even without the BDSM component.

That's your scientific lecture for the day, brought to you by the letters K and C...
 
nycindie said:
Well, who knows? Maybe Dag had such a good time that he might talk to his wife about loosening her DADT policy.
Click to expand...

A girl can dream ;)

KC43, I think you're right and this is endorphins wearing off... I still feel *weird* today but the exhaustion is hitting me, too. I barely slept all weekend but I never felt tired - total adrenaline rush for 3 days straight.

And there's also a part of me that's just sad it can't always be me, Dag, and Andy. I'd love to have Dag around every weekend. My mind is full of possibilities now - Dag could spend weekends at the lake with us this summer! But the excitement is tempered by the realization that it's really fucking hard for Dag to spend that much time away from his kids. The last thing I want to do is create a tug of war where he feels conflicted.

I think I'll feel a lot better once I get back into the routine of seeing him a couple of times a week, and see how it goes adding a night out with Andy once in a while.
 
Life has been quiet this week... For me anyway...

Andy has been spending most of his non work time helping Stephanie deal with her family. Her mom's health is failing more quickly than anyone expected :( All of Stephanie's good for nothing fuck up siblings and nieces and nephews are coming in and out of town to be with her mom. Which means more work for Steph, policing the drama and feeding and housing everyone. A couple of nights ago, her least fucked up brother was supposed to care for their mom overnight - she fell out of bed and he didn't bother to check on her (and find her confused on the floor) until 9 am :mad:

I think Steph is on the verge of sending all of them away. Andy comes home late at night, exhausted from the chaos, and passes out. He's so stressed out and trying so hard to hold it together for Stephanie, he hasn't even processed that he is losing someone too. Steph's mom has been a friend to him for over 25 years. I guess the time for grieving will come when it comes.

I feel - guilty? or just strange? - not going over to help, but this is a group of people who are family to Andy but acquaintances to me. He has the "Stephanie family triage" thing down ... Take the booze and keys away from the really drunk ones, go buy booze and food for the not-drunk-enough ones, remind everyone to take their Xanax, don't let the teenagers steal and sell the Xanax. And keep everyone the fuck out of Stephanie's kitchen.

Instead, I got to spend some time with Dag, just hanging at my house and watching tv like a boring couple who have been together forever. Well, OK, we probably had a lot more crazy sex than your average together-forever-boring-couple, but you get the idea :) I love getting downtime with him. He's not a real dog person so it's funny to watch him finally making friends with my big drooly monsters. He's always asking me what they want. Love! They want love! And dog cookies! He'll even let them up on the bed sometimes now, though he still won't let them kiss his face :p
 
You should tell Dag that dogs are like two year old children: they want food, love, and attention. I get along much better with the dogs in my life when I remember that they are like perpetual toddlers and treat them like I did my kids when they were that age, lots of love, attention, and food (if it's okay with their owners on the food). Maybe he'll understand your dogs more that way, since he has kids. I know that it helps me.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top