It's a Texlahoma Story

Hannahfluke said:
they are like perpetual toddlers
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So true! One of mine even has a "binky", a plastic chew bone he needs to have every night to go to sleep :rolleyes:

I think it is still weird to Dag that I treat my dogs like children ... The only dogs around when he was a kid were farm dogs or hunting dogs. Mine have organic dog treats, and go to doggy daycare where I watch them on cameras all day :eek:

It's funny because in a mono, escalator dating situation, "not a dog person" would have been a deal breaker for me. Mostly because his kids have never been around dogs and are scared to death of them :( But for what Dag and I have, we work around it... I'm getting better at telling the dogs "no", and he's getting used to sometimes having an 85 lb dog in his lap :D
 
So, the inevitable finally happened... my boyfriend changed plans on me to accommodate his wife. I'm trying to figure out how I feel about it. Like, I feel like I'm literally trying to fit puzzle pieces of feelings and thoughts together in my head in a way that makes sense.

Dag and I had been planning for months to go see the Deadpool movie as soon as it opened. Yes, we are that geeky :eek: The movie opens this coming Friday, so I, psycho planner that I am, was going to buy tickets online. (It's not quite as ridiculous as it sounds, the theater we like lets you reserve specific seats.) Anyway, I asked Dag what time he wanted to go. And he starts hemming and hawing about maybe we should go another time to avoid the crowds... Um, seriously, isn't that the point of picking a theater with reserved seating? :confused:

It took a few minutes of back and forth before the real story came out. His wife wants to go see Deadpool with him, on Saturday. And in a rare almost-kinda-sorta breach of their DADT policy, she asked him if he would please not see it with anyone else first. Dag agreed. He also didn't bother to tell me until I practically pried it out of him.

I'm disappointed. I know that much. It's just a movie, and we could go the next week... But I feel like something I was really looking forward to has been made shitty and weird :( I'm also hurt... Hurt that going together apparently wasn't as important to him as it was to me. And I do feel rejected that he'd rather go with her than with me. Am I jealous? I feel like I *should* be jealous. True jealousy is an emotion I have so seldom that I have trouble remembering what it feels like.

Am I angry at Dag? Again, I *should* be, but am I? Maybe that's buried in the hurt and will surface later. I do feel a little bit like lashing out. Part of me really wants to just go to the damn movie with Andy or friends on Friday instead of having some other kind of date night with Dag. Is that petty and immature? Probably. Since I don't honestly care about seeing the movie opening night and would only be doing it to get back at him. Yes. Petty and immature. Do I care, that's a different question ;)

I haven't said anything to Dag about it, other than ok, thanks for being honest about what's going on. (And I managed to say that without sarcasm, even though he wasn't honest at first, but whatever.) I can't decide if I should bring it up or just say fuck it and let it slide. I'll probably see if it's still on my mind after I've had a few days to wallow in self pity.
 
I'm so sorry dag wasn't more sensitive to your wants re: deadpool. I know real has to often watch movies multiple times, but lady and I have the luxury of knowing and talking to each other about times when being "first" matter to us. My advice is don't wait go see it when you want and watch with dag when you can. It sucks to be preempted but don't let it negate your otherwise good relationship. I'm sorry you have been put into a crappy situation by dadt crap. Many Internet hugs and virtual glasses of wine being sent.
Playful
 
Thanks Playfulgirl :)

I think it just really threw me for a loop that Dag's wife... Hmmm she needs a name ... Elvissa ... would make a request like that. She usually doesn't do anything that would acknowledge Dag's dating. Usually he'd just go see the movie with me and if she asked to go, he'd pretend he hadn't already seen it. Who knows what's going on there.

And yeah, it sucks that Dag just went along with it without checking in with me, but I get how awkward that would have been. I do wish he'd let me know straight away instead of waiting for me to bring up buying tickets, but I'll survive ;)

I'm also just really frustrated with life with Andy right now, I know that's not helping me take things in stride. He's just been in a shit mood for the past week and... not taking things out on me, exactly, but letting stuff spill over :( He's got Stephanie stress and work stress, his foot is still bugging him, he's got yet another cold. He either ignores me or complains to me. But if he gets on the phone or Facebook with friends, he perks up, he's laughing, everything's great. Then the chat is over, it's just the two of us again, and it's back to him just sighing and bitching.

I mean, I get it, everyone puts on a front for the world and lets the bad stuff out around the people closest to them. But that doesn't stop me from wishing he'd summon a little bit of that energy and cheer for me.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
Instead, I got to spend some time with Dag, just hanging at my house . . .
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Wait - isn't that a major new development? Or did I miss something? He would never come over before, right? So now that he spent time with Andy on your trip, he's already comfortable coming over and hanging at your house? Wow, that's good news - I know it's something you've really wanted.

GirlFromTexlahoma said:
. . . I get it, everyone puts on a front for the world and lets the bad stuff out around the people closest to them. But that doesn't stop me from wishing he'd summon a little bit of that energy and cheer for me.
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So, tell him!!!!
 
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nycindie said:
Wait - isn't that a major new development? Or did I miss something? He would never come over before, right? So now that he spent time with Andy on your trip, he's already comfortable coming over and hanging at your house? Wow, that's good news - I know it's something you've really wanted.
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Well, yes and no...

Dag has always been ok coming over when Andy wasn't here, so him hanging out while Andy was at Stephanie's wasn't a huge step or anything. But - he was about a million times more relaxed about it than usual. No checking his watch and asking over and over what time Andy would be home. I think their meeting did a world of good for all of us. There's just zero anxiety around chance meetings and overlapping times :)

So, tell him!!!!
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I know, I know. Sigh. Right now I just feel like asking Andy for anything is just adding to his already stress heavy life. Yesterday he actually broke down in tears because he felt too sick and exhausted to do any projects around the lake property :( I spent a couple hours reassuring him that I don't give a shit if that stuff gets done, I just want him to stop beating himself up about it.

I guess I haven't mentioned that Andy gets the absolute WORST winter depressions / seasonal affective disorder / whatever you want to call it. Every year, from the time we set the clocks back in fall, until March. Some years are worse than others. Antidepressants help a little, but the side effects (tremors, insomnia, problems concentrating) are bad enough to make them not really worth it. The years we lived in New England and Minnesota almost killed him... At least spring in Texas comes quickly.

At least Andy's blues are the kind that *can* be lifted temporarily. I'm dragging him to Deadpool with me on Friday :) and even though it's not his thing, he's psyched for the get-drunk-watching-a-movie experience. And I'm looking for stuff to do outdoors that doesn't require a ton of walking. Getting sunshine in the south part of the state at Geeky Con was good for him. We need more weekends away in general, I think, right now the lake place just feels like a semi-habitable to-do list :rolleyes:
 
Has Andy tried a daylight lamp? My therapist suggested one last winter when I was trying to avoid upping my anti-depressant dosage. It makes a huge difference for me. I know when I forget to use it because I'm either more cranky, more anxious, or more depressed (it's especially fun when it triggers all three together). The advice I got was get one with 10,000 lumens and don't try the ones that are just essentially a light balanced more to the Blue side of the spectrum (kind of like those Reveal lightbulbs). I'm sorry he's struggling so much.
 
I may give the daylight lamp a look :) Sunshine is such a mood booster for him.

I realized after I wrote this morning that for the first winter in years we have completely abandoned the boat for the season. Usually boating gets us a good 3-4 hours of sun and fresh air a couple times a week, even this time of year. But dumbass me got halfway through re-doing the floors this fall...and then it got too cold for the epoxy coats to set properly, so I'm waiting on warmer weather to finish.

Also, I got sent home from work early because a sick kid threw up on me, in a way that nothing short of multiple showers and shampoos can fix :eek:
 
Miraculously I am not sick :)

Give it time... At work we actually have puke buckets in all the playrooms now ... :(

This is an article Reverie linked on her blog

http://psychologyjunkie.com/2015/08/02/how-each-mbti-type-reacts-to-stress-and-how-to-help/

Creepily accurate. Here's mine -


ESFJ – The Caregiver

What stresses out an ESFJ:
– Unstructured environments
– Having to do things that involve abstract, theoretical concepts
– Environments that have tension or conflict
– Unexpected change
– Inadequate time to complete work to their standards
– Tense, or confrontational relationships or situations
– Situations that don’t meld with their values
– Lack of trust in someone or something they’re involved with
– Criticism
– Feeling unappreciated

When faced with stress, ESFJ’s can become very critical and overly sensitive, often imagining bad intentions where there weren’t any. Being prone to insecurity, they can focus all their attention on pleasing those who give them security. This may lead them to become staunchly attached to a toxic relationship, structure, or belief system that provides them some sort of affirmation or security. They can become quite dramatic when under stress, finding fault with almost everyone and everything. They can experience low energy, a feeling of depression and pessimism. They become uncharacteristically quiet and withdrawn. If they are under chronic stress, they may fall into the grip of their inferior function; introverted thinking. This can cause them to take on the form of “the condemner”, focusing on everyone’s flaws and all the ways they have been hurt by them and how those flaws go against their belief system and how things “should be”.

How to help an ESFJ experiencing stress:
– Give them a change of scenery. Let them spend some time outdoors.
– Encourage them to exercise (without making it a dig at their weight or health).
– Watch a comedy with them, or engage them with some humor or lighthearted entertainment.
– Acknowledge how they feel.
– Let them talk it out.
– Remind them of their strengths and contributions.
– Don’t use logic to talk them out of stress.
– Don’t ignore them.
– Give them feedback. Talk about a similar situation you went through.
– Get them away from the environment or situation that is stressing them out.
– Give them an enjoyable book to read, or a lighthearted movie to watch.

The "unstructured" and "change" stuff is my number one anxiety trigger. I need plans. Solid plans. The outdoors and exercise as stress relief is also sooo true. Honestly the only reason I'm in shape is that running and yoga are mental health necessities for me.

Only thing on their that didn't ring true was using comedy to cheer up. For some reason when I'm anxious or down I prefer dark stuff... Almost like I need to replace *my* anxiety with artificial fictional anxiety.
 
Eh, take those categorizations and descriptions with a grain of salt.

I was recently reading about Claudio Naranjo and the beginnings of when he was developing the Enneagram. It was illuminating to read that many of these theories/techniques/classification systems were begun by hippies on psychedelics in Berkeley and SF back in the 70s, and they surrounded themselves by smart, educated people who were often charlatans, gleaning whatever information they thought sounded good and making it a part of their new ideas. Nothing new under the sun, people just make some conglomeration of shit that appeals to them and give it a name. Then they make money from it! I used to be a workshop junkie in the early- to mid-80s, but fortunately never really became a disciple of any particular quack/guru/cult leader.

As for Meyers-Briggs, she wasn't an acid-dropping hippie by any means, but based her system on Jungian typology. Jung's theories had a large mystical element, not very scientific, very much influenced by mythology, symbology, eastern religion, and astrology.

I remember asking an ex-boyfriend what he thought of Meyers-Briggs, because he was a very logical, rational guy and I wanted to know if he had an opinion on it. He told me when he went to school at Carnegie-Mellon, the college selected everyone's roommates in the dorm by having them take the Meyers-Briggs test and see who were good matches. His roommate was so far the opposite of him and a major pain in the ass while he was there. So, in many cases, the MBTI isn't really an indicator of anything relevant. It's like any system; some will resonate, some will not.

So, yeah, grain of salt.

BTW, here is a long thread we have here about Meyers-Briggs: Myers Briggs and polyamory. Kind of an entertaining read!
 
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Grain of salt, for sure... Gotta love taking tests that ask "do you prefer making definite plans or playing things by ear?" and then excitedly inform you that "you are the type of person who likes making plans!!!" :rolleyes:

I do have a soft spot for the Meyers-Briggs, though, because I discovered it in high school and it really sparked my life long interest in psychology. ESFJ always fits me in every way, unlike my "type" in other models that is usually hit or miss. It's also one of the few personality models that doesn't seem completely reductionist to me. I hate taking a 20 page quiz to be told I am "A Blah Blah", like all the other facets of my personality don't count.

The Enneagram is ... Ugh, to me. Stephanie's daughter is borderline obsessed with it right now. She's on this whole self-discovery thing... Ah, college ;)

Though, I feel like the past couple of years have been a little bit of a self-discovery phase for me. Trying to figure out what non-monogamy and multiple relationships mean in my life. The day to day is pretty fucking awesome right now, but I still find myself getting tripped up by stuff, usually when I least expect it.

Like the "do you identify as poly" thread. I don't, particularly, but why does it throw me for a loop that someone might assume I do? Why do I feel the need to write post after post trying to convince some faceless audience that I'm not *really* poly... why do I care? Puzzling through that one right now.

Hmmm, wasn't there something about ESFJs being stressed by theoretical concepts :eek:
 
Been thinking a little about why I worry so much about "being poly"...

It's mostly because poly is very situation dependent for me. As in, my current situation is really the only one where I can imagine doing something like this. If I didn't have a primary partner, or it was anyone other than Andy, hell no.

Well, maybe I shouldn't go that far. It's possible that after ten years of monogamy with someone else, I would feel confident enough to open things up. But I can't imagine myself starting a new primary relationship with anyone who definitely wanted/needed multiple partners. Monogamy is always an ok option for me, but even after ten years of monogamy, poly is never more than a maybe.

Why??? I guess because while I may be poly-sexual and poly-romantic and even poly-amorous, I'm very mono-partner. Mono-lifetime commitment. My ideal, basically, is to have one solid, committed, lifelong partnership and still be able to love my friends in whatever sexual or platonic ways feel right. But I'd give up the fuck my friends part for the solid life partnership, if it came to that.

So "my poly", if it even is poly, doesn't fit with a lot of the assumptions that go along with calling oneself polyamorous. I really don't want multiple partners (except in the sexual sense) or multiple commitments (beyond what I'd make to any close friend). I generally stick with "open relationship" or "non monogamous"... Somehow those seem like a better fit for me.
 
The thing about how we identify ourselves is that, in my opinion, it's best if it's based entirely on how we see ourselves, not how we're afraid other people will see us.

In other words, if you're only saying you aren't polyamorous because other people might assume things that aren't the case in your situation, then bugger them, call yourself polyamorous anyway. *You* get to define what it means for *you*. Other people's definitions don't matter. I've been told I'm not polyamorous because Hubby doesn't see other people, or because I'm not bisexual, or because I'm not open to having more than one partner in addition to Hubby, but all of that's bullshit, because I am polyamorous in the way that works for me, and the people saying these things aren't part of my life so their opinions and definitions are irrelevant.

But that said, if you're saying you aren't polyamorous because *you* associate certain meanings and ways of doing things with that word and those meanings and ways aren't true for you, then that's cool; you're choosing the words that work for you and feel like the right fit.
 
KC, I think it's a little of both...

Partly that I just don't see myself reflected in most of the poly stuff I read, here or elsewhere. It doesn't feel like it fits, at least not in the way most people use it. Which is fine.

I've actually never liked labels much anyway - I don't "identify" as anything. I didn't even bother to call myself straight until I started online dating a few years ago and got bombarded with messages from couples. Saying "yeah I've made out with lots of girls but it doesn't do anything for me actually" got kinda tiresome :rolleyes:

But yes, there is a part of me that gets tired of the "poly police" and finds it easier to throw up my hands than argue. I'm a weirdo who really cares about marriage and cohabitation and having a guaranteed plus one to everything. I'm just never going to value any other relationship as much as a nesting one. Doesn't mean I don't value and love the *person* - just that my non nesting relationships can easily transition back and forth from friendship to dating to who knows. As long as the person is in my life somehow, I don't worry much if we're romantic or sexual or platonic. The only relationship that I need to stay a romantic partnership is my marriage. Not very poly huh ;)

But it's me, and my life, and right now it's wonderful, so who cares what it's called :D
 
So after I wrote that post last night, I started thinking about the "flip side" ... How I feel about my partners' other relationships.

What I realized is that my attitudes are a jumbled, contradictory mess of traditionalism and who-gives-a-fuck ;)

I think the TL,DR is love whomever you want, fuck whomever you want, but pick one life partnership and stick with it. Weird, huh.

Andy has girlfriends and it doesn't bother me at all. If he wanted to call another woman a *wife*, I'd lose my shit.

It doesn't upset me that he loves Stephanie (differently but) every bit as much as he loves me. It doesn't worry me that plans with her or Anna-Louise sometimes take precedence over plans with me. Or that he spends nights at their houses on a regular basis. But just the thought of either of them getting a diamond ring or a shared deed to a house makes my blood boil.

I love that his girlfriends know his parents -and my dad- and are included in family things. Then I imagine my mother in law consulting Stephanie about what to serve at Thanksgiving and I cry.

Seriously, Claire, wtf???

I know some of it is a "face" thing, a social status thing. But if Andy had a commitment ceremony with another woman in secret and never told our friends and family, that would still break my heart. So there's more to it than just that.

I'd like to puzzle this out but I'm having brain block with it :confused:

What's funny is Andy has exactly the same weird attitude about it as I do. So when I try to hash through my thoughts with him it's useless. He just says, "well obviously you feel that way, me too, it's totally logical". Except... It's not, is it??? Or at the very least, it's not *universal*.

Where I see an opportunity for personal growth - or at least self-knowledge - Andy sees something that ain't broke and don't need fixed ;) Valid point of view he has there... If we like our relationship style, and the people we date/fuck/romance/love are all cool with it, why agonize about it???

So here I sit, clinging tightly to my symbols and titles and not even knowing why :rolleyes:
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
So here I sit, clinging tightly to my symbols and titles and not even knowing why :rolleyes:
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Because you like them?

I love just about every shade and hue of green. Green is my all-time fave color and I am always drawn to it. Do I need to ask myself why?

so, you like the title/status of being his wife -- good for you, because that's what you are! :p;):D
 
nycindie said:
I love just about every shade and hue of green. Green is my all-time fave color and I am always drawn to it.
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I'm always drawn to red ... from cherry to magenta to deep burgundy or brick.

Just think it's great that two women who are so different in our relationship needs are also opposites on the color wheel ;)

I'm having a sulky Valentines Day :cool: I have a husband AND a boyfriend and yet neither of them is interested in celebrating this "bullshit Hallmark holiday" with me. Oh well. Gratitude for the fact that I've got two amazing guys in my life 365 days a year and all that.

And self care :)It's supposed to be 70 and sunny today, so I'm going to try to run the full 9 mile loop at the reservoir. Then steal Andy's precious baby from the garage, drop the top, and blast the Deadpool soundtrack on my way to get something slushy and chocolate from Starbucks :p
 
Random not at all related to poly stuff...

Felt amazing to run today :) I really pushed myself for the first time in almost a year. I had surgery last May, with six weeks recovery no running... Which I didn't stick to :eek:... If you can walk you can run, right???...Nope, I tore open an incision and added to the recovery time :cool: Anyway it feels really nice to have my mileage back to pre surgery levels, finally.

I'm trying to lose 3 lbs by summer. I know, omg, 3 pounds :rolleyes: But my weight has been steady for 15 years, and then started creeping up the past winter. I don't want to let it go and end up where it affects my health. Ok, fine, I don't want to let it go and end up not being able to fit into my clothes! When you're the exact same size for that long you end up with a lot of time and money invested in a wardrobe :p

If I had to guess I'd blame the birth control pills for the weight gain. I had been off them for ten+ years, since Andy's vasectomy, but started again shortly after I met Dag. He is the only guy I've dated since opening up who wasn't snipped, go figure. And while I'm cool with condoms for sti protection, I'm PARANOID about pregnancy. Chalk it up to living in a red state... I really would prefer to avoid the hell that is trying to terminate a pregnancy in Texas.

Anyway, I'm really hoping I can get my weight stable on these pills because fuck, not getting periods is life changing-ly awesome! (My gyno says that there's no medical reason to get them if you're on the pill long term.) I actually think I'd trade being skinny for a period free life - just hoping I don't have to :)
 
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