It's a Texlahoma Story

I have a friend who once announced that he would not date anyone taking meds as he was done with crazy women. Tam pointed out that all that would do is enure that any crazy women he dated would be unmedicated.

Leetah
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
I think I made a lot of assumptions, one of which was that he had the same basic attitude toward drugs and chemicals as I do.
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Of course, only he can tell you, but it might not be a judgement about medication in general. He might be taking in the realization that your anxiety and depression can be as severe as necessitating medication. I was engaged and living with someone who went through serious cycles of anxiety and depression and even being that close, I was always surprised that such a fun loving sweetheart of a person could feel that dark and low. Even though intellectually I knew that this was a brain chemistry thing, part of me took it personally and I sometimes felt rejected that "our love" was not enough to make him happy. It can be terrifying for a loved one and Dag might be realizing that your anxiety and depression are a lot more serious than he saw evidence of before. Even though you've been together for quite awhile, you're still coming to understand each other and this is all part of the process.
 
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FallenAngelina said:
Of course, only he can tell you, but it might not be a judgement about medication in general. He might be taking in the realization that your anxiety and depression can be as severe as necessitating medication ... It can be terrifying for a loved one and Dag might be realizing that your anxiety and depression are a lot more serious than he saw evidence of before.
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But that's kind of the disconnect I'm talking about... The idea that medication is only for severe mental illness.

I don't see rx meds as a "last resort" for depression/anxiety that doesn't respond to lifestyle changes or go away in a few months on its own, any more than I think someone should only take Advil if they're doubled over in pain. Someone who takes Advil might have a debilitating chronic pain disorder, or they might just have a mild headache. Someone who takes an antidepressant might have severe mental illness, or they might just have occasional insomnia.

It's a reach to diagnose me with panic disorder or generalized anxiety disorder (and diagnosing me with depression is so much of a reach I've never convinced anyone to do it). But that's because the DSM requires clinically significant distress or impairment. I treat symptoms of anxiety and depression before they get to that point. How severe would my anxiety become if I let it go for months or years? Don't know, don't want to find out.

The idea that taking meds ==> your mental illness is something severe ... that's just so far from my perception of things. If my anxiety is terrifying to him... Wouldn't it have been terrifying all month, since I've started to feel it? Why would my deciding to take meds make it seem scarier? :confused:
 
Is Dag still not speaking to you? It boggles my mind. Both my partners are on meds. miss pixi for depression/anxiety, and Punk for bipolar. They are very cool people on meds. Off meds, they can barely function, get out of bed, or leave the house.

Psychological illness still seems to be quite stigmatised. It's not as bad as it was in years gone by but... I am sorry Dag seems to be letting you down like this.
 
Magdlyn - we're chatting over text, some, just nowhere near as often or as intimately the past few days :( It's just, "I'm watching Bridge of Spies, hope you're having a good weekend" type of stuff. So it's not the silent treatment, but it is WEIRD.

I actually went back through this blog and I can see the anxiety spiral starting. Out if nowhere I start panicking - "what if someday my husband falls in love with someone who wants to move in omg this is terrible what do I doooo" starts in mid-February. So it's been a few weeks of cranky mood and poor sleep and creating problems where none exist...

And Dag was super supportive and awesome the whole time. I was 100% open with him about feeling sad and stressed, and he was like Super Boyfriend. Telling me he loved me no matter what. Happily skipping nights out when I just wanted to sit and watch a movie at home on our date nights. Listening and hugging me when I cried because I couldn't stop picking bitchy fights with my husband.

But the day I said, yeah, this anxiety is shitty, I'm going to see my GP and get back on antidepressants - boom. Total 180, just acting like I'm contagious or something :cool: It boggles my mind, too. He's seen the problems - I'm short tempered, I find social events stressful, I don't sleep, and I'm tearful. To me those are very clearly problems of a "not super scary, but should be treated so I can enjoy my life again" level. I don't get why the actual *illness* doesn't phase him, but the *treatment* does.

I think I handled this anxiety flare-up pretty damn well. I kept my friends and partners in the loop. I made lots of self-care time for myself. I stuck with my healthy diet and got tons of exercise. I journaled and walked and tried to figure out what was stressing me - and came to the conclusion that there was no rational external cause here, it's just a brain blip. So I started my Lexapro, I'll give it a few months, re-evaluate if I want to continue taking it.

Part of me thinks I should bring it up with Dag, try to talk about it, but honestly? I don't really feel like it. I'm feeling a little better but I'm still crying at the drop of a hat, and taking everything way too personally, not the best head space for the conversation. Maybe when we see each other in person this week.
 
Could it be that dag sees the medicating as a rejection or negation of the care and support he offered during your distress?
Like his support wasn't good enough or wasn't helpful?
 
playfulgirl said:
Could it be that dag sees the medicating as a rejection or negation of the care and support he offered during your distress?
Like his support wasn't good enough or wasn't helpful?
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Yes, this is what I was getting at. My experience is that loved ones take mental illness personally in a way that they don't with physical illness. I really believed at the time that my love should have been able to make my fiancé feel good and although I wouldn't have admitted it at the time, I was fearful and disheartened sometimes and felt like he wasn't letting me in. Now I understand depression a lot better and can allow the person to go through what they are going through, but at the time, I sometimes fell into feeling like a failure because our relationship wasn't "enough" to keep him happy (or even above water.) Of course, we all should be able to separate ourselves from our loved ones and not take their struggles personally, but there is something about mental, as opposed to physical, illness that often leaves a partner feeling inept, helpless and fearful - and often ashamed or unwilling to own up to these feelings. I mention this to offer a perspective of what it can be like for the partner of someone who struggles with depression, no matter the degree. Maybe it helps to understand this possibility about a partner's experience and not see it so much as him letting you down, but as him dealing with his own feelings of inadequacy.
 
FallenAngelina and PlayfulGirl, I really hadn't thought of that ... And I don't know why, seeing as I'm the queen of feeling like other people's happiness is my responsibility.

I'm not sure what to do with that, though... "FYI you're not a failure because I'm a stress bucket" seems a little awkward :cool: I guess I can keep on telling him he's awesome and the best boyfriend ever ;)

I know my tendency to just want to BE ALONE DAMNIT when I'm anxious is hard on people. I'm lucky that my husband and my closest friends get it now, and just give me space, and don't take it personally when I ignore them. I hope someday Dag will understand that, too, that I don't stop loving him when I need space.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
I'm the queen of feeling like other people's happiness is my responsibility.
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I'm the queen of "You're quiet, so you must be getting ready to leave now," so I can feel for anyone who isn't totally up to speed with easily giving someone space who needs a lot of it at times. It can be quite triggering for someone who has any strain of abandonment issues. I find that it really helps just to know what is going on so that both people can do their best not to take things personally. Reassurance can go a very long way, but even then, each is ultimately responsible for not blaming the other and for taking ownership of his own thoughts. It really sounds as though this is triggering some kind of fear of loss in Dag, hiding behind whatever wonky behavior of his right now. Remember that just as he cannot "save" you, you also cannot save him from his own issues. This is part of intimacy and part of what it means to go deeper with someone. Each couple fits together perfectly and will eventually bring up for each other some difficult stuff in perfectly matched ways. Again, just understanding this for what it is and not necessarily as some emergency that can be or should be "repaired" can be very helpful.
 
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I'm so damn tired. The first few weeks on SSRIs are always a wave of fatigue for me.

One of my favorite professors in college used to stop us anytime we used the phrase "side effects". He'd say, "Drugs don't have side effects. They just have effects. The effect you want, and the ones you don't."

Such an important concept... Drugs don't know why you're using them. Nor do they care. They just do their thing in your body. Effects vs side effects is just a matter of perspective. Misoprostol, for example. If you're taking it for ulcers, the effects on your uterus and cervix are "side effects". If you're taking it for a medical abortion, the effects on stomach acid are "side effects".

But today, so exhausted and sleepy I could barely get through work, I'm going to rebel and call the fatigue and drowsiness side effects. Sorry Dr. R :p

It just SUCKS that Andy is out of town, AGAIN, and will be for the next couple of weeks, too. I would give anything to be able to just opt out and nap all the time right now, but it's not possible. I have to go to work, obviously, but I also have to take care of the dogs, and do at least the bare minimum to keep the house running (groceries, laundry, bills, etc). For now though, I'm putting everything else on the back burner. Even my workouts. I'm pretty sure I took a mini nap during a forearm plank in Pilates :rolleyes:

It also sucks because in addition to making me sleepy, Lexapro sends my sex drive through the roof. (Yes, you read that right. It's the exact opposite of what the textbooks say - but Anna Louise and Stephanie's daughter both have the same reaction to it.) I would love some quality sexy times right now. But, husband away for work and boyfriend... who knows :confused: Dag and I are texting more. He's acting almost normal. And I am now the one who's being weird. Sigh. I just feel uncomfortable saying anything about being tired because omg meds. So I'm just blaming work for my exhaustion and inability to make any mid week plans. So much for open and honest communication, huh :cool:
 
By the time I finished work today my legs were killing me - skipping runs always leaves them tense and achy. So, 30 minutes on the treadmill tonight. That rest thing lasted a whole 2 days ;)

I'm back in my "this is why non escalator relationships don't work for me" headspace :( Trying to figure out how to balance my relationship with Dag and my mental health shit is complicated. I really don't want to see him if it means having to be on top of my game. But he's not a casual FWB and I can't just say, "sorry, can't get together this week!" without explaining why.

On the other hand, he's also not ... well, he's not Andy :cool: I don't have any other frame of reference for a life partner, so I don't know if other people feel the same way about their spouses. But I never worry about letting Andy see me at my worst. Or about telling him exactly what I need, even if it's for him to go to the other end of the house and ignore me for a few hours. With Dag... I'm not there yet. I don't know if I ever will be. A lot of what gives me a sense of security and safety in relationships is the "escalator stuff" - spending every night together, knowing each other's friends and families, and yes, the ring and the piece of paper that says husband and wife.

I've never cried in front of Dag. I'm not a big crier anyways, but all of my close friends have seen me break down at least a couple times over the years. I've certainly told Dag when I'm down or stressed. But he tries so damn hard to cheer me up, and I feel obligated to pretend it's working. Last week, when I was off the charts anxious, he came over and we soaked in the tub for hours. It was lovely. But it didn't do shit for my anxiety, and I pretended it did. To be honest, between having to figure out what to cook for Dag, having to do my hair and makeup, and having to clean up the house - net increase in anxiety. I wish I was at a place where I didn't feel like I had to do all that shit every time Dag comes over, but I'm not.

I told Andy some of this - he was asking why I'm not hanging with Dag nonstop while he's away - and he was like, hmmm, forced cheering up, who else do we know who does that??? Guilty as charged :eek: And I am going to work on that behavior, because being on the other side of it is awful.

My anxiety is calming down, but damn these meds make me sleepy, and I've now realized I have to keep my running schedule going anyway - the only thing worse than sleepy is sleepy but too stiff to lie down comfortably! So there's just not much Claire to go around right now. And I don't know how to explain that to Dag, without sounding like a pathetic loser or a crazy person. Ugh.
 
You love Dag. Dag loves you. So why shouldn't he see you at your worst as well as at your best?

Yeah, some people can't handle it. My ex-boyfriend saw me having anxiety/panic attacks and depressive episodes and insisted it wasn't a problem, he just wanted to help... but then after he "downgraded" us, he admitted he didn't know how to handle the anxiety/panic attacks because he felt like he had to fix me. He said it was actually easier to deal with them as a friend because he didn't feel as much obligation to make things better. (That was not a fun conversation...)

But even he understood that it wasn't something I chose, and he did understand that it wasn't something he could "fix." He was the "white knight" type who tries to make everything all better for everyone, and it got to him more than he wanted to admit that he couldn't do anything about my mental health issues other than comfort me when they cropped up. (He was, however, also the one who pretty much saved me from making a suicide attempt last summer, without fully realizing he was doing so, after Hubby just said "Sorry, I have to work" and walked out the door.)

You aren't doing Dag or yourself any favors by hiding from him when you're struggling, or by pretending his attempts to make things better are working when they aren't. Harsh as it sounds, you're essentially lying to him by trying to act like he's making things better when that isn't the case, and you're being dishonest about who you are by hiding the not-so-happy sides of yourself.

It isn't up to you to put on a mask and play make-believe for someone else's benefit. If someone cares about you, they accept you for who you are, positive and negative both. And if you care about yourself, you do what you need to do in order to feel better and get through the crappy times, and in my opinion that includes leaning on the people who love you, just like they probably lean on you when they're having crappy times.
 
You don't "have to" do hair and makeup, clean the house or figure out what to make Dag for dinner. Is this the 1950s? Are you Donna Reed or June Cleaver?

I'd say after a year, despite not having the piece of paper and a ring, you could try to relax your own self imposed standards and see what happens. Keeping up a front, a happy cheery pretty pretty good wife front for Dag... why? Do you feel he'd leave you if your hair wasn't perfect, your real face was shown, you living room had a little clutter? What about he plans dinner, and cooks it? Or brings you takeout?

I know you feel compelled to do these things, but it doesn't seem to be adding to your joy with Dag. It's causing a distance.

For example: I don't do makeup for Punk(but not being a Texan, I rarely do makeup anyway, and my hair has a good cut, so if it's clean, it looks ok). If we need a clear spot on the coffee table to play a board game, we clear it off together. Sometimes I plan dinner, sometimes we just scrounge for snacks, sometimes I plan it, and he cooks it.

I do make the bed (so we can unmake it with our activities) and take a shower before he comes over. And I generally spend time every day doing dishes so that the next meal can be made, I don't do that "for" Punk.

Just some things to consider. I hope you can go easier on yourself and show him the real you. If he can't handle it, and just wants your facade, he's not right for you.
 
I had to sit and think on those comments for a couple of days...

KC and Magdlyn, what you guys are saying is absolutely right. I absolutely could work on letting Dag see the shitty stuff as well as the fun stuff.

But ... do I have to? do I want to?

I have plenty of people to lean on. Husband, friends, my dad and stepmom, in-laws. And more importantly, I'm strong and self aware and I can manage my anxiety well myself. Does it matter if Dag becomes part of that support system? I have other friends who are awesome and wonderful - and yet not people I turn to when my anxiety flips out. Maybe Dag will just be one of those people. I'm not sure it's worth trying to *make* him understand.

Sure, it would have been great if Dag had been one of those people who instinctively got it, who understood me when I was off the charts anxious. But it didn't work out that way. And that's ok.

Dag and I are never going to be primary partners (or nesting partners or anchor partners or whatever the current term is). We're never going to live together. I'm never going to be on his health insurance. He's never going to be my emergency contact person. Even if Andy and every last support person I have were to vanish, I still wouldn't be able to call Dag in the middle of the night for help. So there's no actual *need* for him to deal with this stuff.

I know, I know - he's my boyfriend, he loves me, blah blah blah. I'm not going to lie or hide that I have anxiety issues. If he wants to offer support, I'll try and show him what helps and what doesn't. But the whole idea that I have to make him understand so we can be closer and grow as a couple? I'm just not feeling it right now. So we don't get closer and grow as a couple. Why is that the end of the world? Maybe this level of close is where we end up. I'm good with that.

Though I probably will quit blow drying my hair every time he comes over ;)
 
Magdlyn said:
Just some things to consider. I hope you can go easier on yourself and show him the real you. If he can't handle it, and just wants your facade, he's not right for you.
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This really made me think, and inspired a lot of the above post...

If Dag can't handle all of me - the good, the bad, and the ugly - then yes, he's not right for me *as a full time life partner*. But he's not a life partner, and never will be.

Is it possible, though, that he's still right for me as a different kind of partner? As a friend and lover, with whom I have a great connection, but no real entanglement? Do all of our partners have to meet every need, fit in every way?
 
I question why you feel the need to limit dag's exposure to your emotionality. Is it a you thing or a your relationship thing? For example, are you the sort of person who lets friends not see your low points? Or are you actively keeping this level of intimacy from your romantic entanglement with dag? It seems as though the investment of vulnerability in your reletionship with dag is something you find distressing or change making.
 
GFT, it's one thing if you're thinking "I have lots of other support, and Dag isn't able to give me what I need in that aspect, so I'm not going to ask him to support me when I'm anxious."

It's something completely different to think, "Dag doesn't get mental illness, so I have to dress up and fix my hair and act like absolutely nothing is wrong."

The first one is valid. You are choosing not to seek support from someone who you believe incapable of giving it. That's fine.

The second one is you deceiving him about your state of mind, for *his* benefit. That's the one I, and I think Mags, are trying to say isn't a good thing for you or for him. We aren't telling you to work on showing him the "shitty stuff"; we're telling you to STOP working on NOT showing it to him.

You're right, if Dag can't accept you as you are, he isn't the right partner for you in terms of a long-term, closely entwined (where "entwined" in this case means level of emotional involvement, not level of life entanglement) relationship. But if you're deliberately camouflaging the way you are so he doesn't see it at all, you aren't giving him the chance to show whether he accepts you. If he's behaved in ways that make you believe he can't handle it, then yeah, maybe he can't. Or maybe he didn't realize how much you struggle sometimes because you'd been hiding it, and it caught him off-guard and he needed time to adjust.
 
playfulgirl said:
I question why you feel the need to limit dag's exposure to your emotionality. Is it a you thing or a your relationship thing? For example, are you the sort of person who lets friends not see your low points? Or are you actively keeping this level of intimacy from your romantic entanglement with dag? It seems as though the investment of vulnerability in your reletionship with dag is something you find distressing or change making.
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It's a Dag-specific thing.

My husband, my close friends, my family have all seen me fall apart many, many times. My ex-boyfriends were huge support people for me, they both saw me at my worst and I didn't even think to hide it from them. Which is why it's confusing to me that Dag is not turning out to be that kind of a person in my life.

Trying to get emotional support from Dag the past few weeks has felt very much like hammering a square peg into a round hole. He's very much a Solver of Problems, and that's the last thing I need when I'm anxious. And then there's the whole vanishing act when I mentioned meds :cool:

I'm just trying to figure out - do I need him to be a part of my support system? Or is it ok if, when I'm stressed and exhausted, I need some space from him and some time with my husband or my best friends?

If he was a potential life partner, I'd absolutely feel like I needed him to see me at my worst and be there for me through everything. If he was a platonic friend, I'd just accept that helping with anxiety is not Dag's strength, and seek support elsewhere. I'm just not sure where "non escalator style boyfriend" falls.

To be honest... I'd rather just turn to others than do the work to (maybe? no guarantees!) teach him how to be there for me. That's just more work than I feel like doing right now. But is that unfair to him? I don't know.

@Kc43... I've never hidden it. I talked about my anxiety issues on our first date :rolleyes: And I've always been up front about having taken antidepressants off and on. Which is why it's so confusing to me that he seemed weirded out by it all.

The hair and make up and house cleaning ... That's just stuff I do. I do that if K is coming over, and she's been my one of my best friends for 15 years. That's not Dag specific, that's what I do for everyone except Andy. Oh, hell, let's be honest, I feel compelled to have an immaculate house and fresh cooked food for him, too. I just got to slack a little since he's been out of town so much :eek:

I probably did make a bad call in letting Dag think his advice and hot baths and tv time was helping. That's the people pleaser side of me, which I know I need to work on. I should have been honest and said, yeah, nothing's going to help except alone time and Lexapro. If only to make him stop trying to problem solve me. He just looked so sweet and desperate to help, and... Yeah, that's why I need alone time when I'm anxious. Because otherwise I will continue to worry about the people around me, instead of taking care of myself.
 
Girl, I understand, in a way, your attempts to keep things light and easy with Dag. Since you feel this relationship now has as much depth as it ever will, you don't feel a desire to "teach him" how to support you.

But then again, he seems to want to support you. You're just letting him think the non-helpful things he does, baths, TV, inappropriate advice, was helping you, when in fact, it was actively harming you.

My current relationship with Punk is not super entangled. I know he's got bipolar issues (and his meds cause occasional ED), and IBS, and a mom dying of cancer. I don't demand much of him... I enjoy his company very much, and if it doesn't go beyond our current activities of occasional dates out (walks, drives, dinners), or dates in, sex, board games, cooking, chatting, or discoursing intellectually, joking, watching youtubes or movies, I am good with that. I do not demand more. He's nice to my gf and our dog. I'm satisfied.

I've got miss pixi and my sister for deep emotional support, like for my health issues. My back is really hurting, it's been messed up for a long time, and I sprained it last summer and have been doing PT and now, chiropractic. Punk knows this and gives me delicious massages, and understands if I can't take a vigorous hike in the woods right now, or get up and dance like there's no tomorrow.

But I don't let him do stuff to me that actually harms me, like you're doing with Dag, like faking that the hot tub was beneficial. Just because you're not a a track to marriage with the guy doesn't mean you need to let him (unknowingly) hurt you.
 
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