It's a Texlahoma Story

KC43 said:
Mags also has an excellent point about telling prospective partners about things that might set you off before you're in a situation where they might happen. Even though it might not be easy, and it might turn some guys off, I've always been up front with the guys I'm considering getting involved with about things that might be problematic in general, and I follow up with sex-specific things as soon as it looks like the connection might be heading that way. Some of the guys I've been involved with have asked, before I've even brought it up, if I have any triggers or "hard limits." Communication is important, even if--or maybe especially if--you're worried about what the person you're communicating with might think.
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This is one reason I think I've had better overall experiences with kinky guys, even though I'm pretty vanilla ... There's the culture of talking about likes, dislikes, and limits before you get sexual.

(Though I did have the most eye rolling experience texting a Dom type a couple of months ago. He asked about limits, and one thing I mentioned was that I'm not bi and not into playing with other women. He goes, "oh, sure, I'm not into girls being, like, lesbian bi... Just when girls hook up in threesomes." Dude. So you only like it when straight girls fake being bi for your entertainment? Ok. Bye.)

I definitely get stuck in a pattern of thinking I don't have the right to speak up about my needs if I'm not in a "real relationship" . I know that's silly, but... It's there. Like it's too high maintenance to have preferences and limits for a fuck buddy situation.

Other random stuff...

Sometimes I feel bad that I don't talk to Andy more about his relationship with Steph. He's been having a tough time lately because her new job is stressful and time consuming. He misses her. And I just ... I really am not in the mood lately to be helpful around that. I'm tired of being a sounding board maybe, except that's unfair, since he doesn't vent much at all. It's really just the emotional place I'm in. I don't have much in me besides "I'm sorry that sucks" and being as flexible as possible with scheduling stuff.

I've been texting Clark a little, not sure if it will go anywhere. He seems to want a Very Serious Relationship Thing. But he's constantly busy. I could see something very casual with him, but I'm not interested in having to schedule my life around a boyfriend's kids' activities again.
 
Talking about limits, etc. is definitely part of the BDSM culture... but there's no reason it can't be part of any dynamic or connection. Most of the guys I've been with have been completely vanilla, but I still have the boundaries-and-limits conversation with them as soon as it looks like things might get physical. That's partly necessity; because my PTSD is in part related to sexual traumas, I have to inform potential partners about certain fairly common sexual acts that are likely to trigger me. But it's also because I'm damned if I'm going to do something I'm not comfortable with or don't enjoy.

Talking about sex, until the past few months, was never remotely easy for me (and still isn't entirely easy, but it's better), but I pushed myself to do it in the beginning of new potentially-sexual connections because I wanted to make sure I was taking care of myself and looking out for my best interests. If I don't, why would anyone else?

Even if you're only looking at a fuck-buddy situation, or just a one-night stand, don't you deserve to enjoy yourself and get pleasure out of it? How are you going to do that if you don't tell your partner what you like and what you absolutely despise doing?
 
Thanks KC :) I think this is just one of those times my subconscious/programming is waaaay behind my logical brain.

I had two "slut nightmares" last night, ugh. One where I woke up in a strange house and the police were there, grilling me, and I couldn't remember anything except vague flashes of a threesome with Andy and a stranger the night before. The other, I was pregnant by Clark, and we were going to divorce our spouses to marry each other to get the baby in his insurance, but the whole town was attacking us... Beating up his kids on the street, throwing things at me in the grocery store, screaming at us in restaurants.

Yeah. Last night sucked. My anxiety brain sucks.

But, today, after I took the dogs hiking, I took a 4 hour nap - that is the longest stretch of continuous sleep I've gotten in a month. Then Andy and I took the boat out, sat in the sun on the water, and ate the last of our v-day chocolates. A wonderful day.
 
It's been a crazy few days, Andy's dad went in the hospital for emergency surgery - he's fine, but still there, cranky and ready to go home.

Something I realized, though, being too busy to blog... I'm happier when I'm not dissecting my love life online. This blog is a great help for pondering the big issues and philosophical questions, but when I fall into the habit of posting every little detail ... I dunno. I dwell on the negative, I spin up my anxiety, and I worry too much about what people reading it will think. I get stuck in that "can't win" place. If I'm having too much sex, I'm slutty, if I'm not having enough, I'm frigid.

But why do I care what anyone thinks??? I have no idea, I do, though. I write too much here, and I stop thinking about what I want, and fixate on how people will judge me.

Anyway. That's a roundabout way of saying I'm going to try and keep this space for speculating on the ins and outs of an open marriage, maybe the occasional rant or update on life. And avoid, if I can, the oversharing that leaves me feeling inadequate and disappointing. For some reason I feel guilty about that...:confused:... Like I'm being deceitful if I don't run here and confess if I have sex with someone or go on a date.

Yet I have said so many times, I wish I could be the way I was before Dag. What that means, really, is that I wish I could just date, or not, and have sex, or not, and not feel like I had to justify it to the internet. So I'm going to give that a shot.
 
Oh GFT,

I am so sorry to hear about your dad but I'm so glad he's pulling through.

Well no that it should matter what I think at ALL, because it doesn't, but I kinda look up to you. You hold down a job, husband and family AND you date on the side, all the while not conforming to anyone's else desires of what poly "should" or "shouldn't" be, AND you do that without compromising who you are. I know you feel like you haven't done that with people you have dated before, but I've read here a lot of you standing up for you. Even now, realising that dissecting yourself isn't healthy.

It's part of the reasons I'm not so sure about poly anymore either, so much processing. lol.

I'm sending kind positive thoughts your way, but regardless what anyone else says or feels that you worry may be negative, I wanted to send a little piece of what's been going on positive- from at least one person- about you. And those are my thoughts.

And I found the best way to detach from worries about negative thoughts from other people was to not get elated from the positive ones. I figured it was easier to start with regulating that one and go from there, seems to be working so far :)
 
Aw, thank you Starlight :) I do my best, but I still let the "supposed to" feelings get to me sometimes. I've got this worm in my brain about how women should be in relationships, and it doesn't match what I want right now, and that messes with me.

Going to break my resolution to not do details (made it a whole day lol) to explain what I mean...

Here's Clark, and he's cool, and I like him, and I can totally see us being fwb. Hang out sometimes, have sex if we both want to, no pressure to meet every week, or spend entire weekends together, or entangle our lives. Just something chill and fun.

But when I think about writing that here, I panic. ABSOLUTE PANIC. To the point where I decide I don't want to see him ever again, because the freak out about telling people about it outweighs the fun of knowing him.

Why? Because it wouldn't be a "relationship" . And aren't women supposed to want those? So if I'm sleeping with him, but not in a relationship with him, well... 1) I'm slutty and bad, or 2) It's because he doesn't want a relationship with me, because I am not good enough.

I found myself thinking, damn, I wish I could just do whatever and not blog about it. Because the whole fear of people judging me disappears if the only ones who know are me and Andy and my closest friends. I don't worry they will judge me for occasionally wanting some piv sex. But here... I dunno. I worry. Not even that anyone would slut shame me. More that they would be like, "good for you, learn to enjoy casual sex! " when I HATE being reminded that what I'm doing is casual sex.

Mostly I just want to enjoy my life, all of it, including my sex life, without feeling like I owe the internet a justification for why I slept with this person but not that one. Which is really hard to do when you're an anxious people pleaser writing a blog.
 
Something I've been thinking about today...

Both my dad and Andy are introverts who "read" as extroverts. They have great social skills, no social anxiety, they get along with everyone and can talk to anyone. But both of them will come home from a dinner party and just sit, in silence, eyes closed, recharging for an hour before they can deal with people again. And both would happily skip the dinner party completely. Introverts... Because introversion and extroversion are about social desires, not social abilities.

Is poly like that, too? Is there a difference between *poly skills* and *poly feelings*? With the desire/feelings side being what matters?

I was wondering about this, because for the longest time, I've seen polyamory as a relationship style, not an orientation. Mostly because I managed it, without ever feeling poly at all. But that's the skills side, the managing to have multiple relationships without everything going to shit. What about the desire side?

For me, personally, it's not there. I'm always going to see monogamous - or at least monogamish - as the ideal. And poly as that thing you do when your current relationship isn't meeting your needs. That's me, though. I see folks here and in real life who prefer poly to monogamy. I'm starting to think that's maybe more hardwired than I realized.

Which makes my thoughts ramble around why, what is it that makes poly or mono appealing - or necessary - for someone? Random thoughts...

1) enjoying sexual variety. I read Ravencroft's post about that (http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showpost.php?p=351929&postcount=5) and thought, huh, sooooo not how I think. I have an ideal male body type, and ideal cock, and anything that strays from that is just disappointing. I also really only enjoy one sexual dynamic, where the guy is in charge but not overly Dom like. Again, anything else, I find myself biding my time to get back to what I like.

2) people person. I LOVE my family and friends, but everybody else, eh, I don't give a fuck. I'm slow to let people in, and I need my space, even from my bffs. I have anxiety attacks at the thought of houseguests besides K and family. The idea of welcoming new folks into my life and home is a big UGH NOPE.

3) independence. Seems an odd one for something that is all about more relationships, but if you can't handle being alone, you aren't going to be ok when your partner is with their other partner. I'm actually pretty good at that. Well, on sharing time, I'm good. When it comes to sharing money and resources, though, I'm a selfish bitch. Probably because I am not independent in that area. After 15 years together, I've got no idea how to separate my money from Andy's.

On those 3 "things that might make poly appealing" I'm 0 for 3 . I'll have to think if there's others.
 
GirlFromTexlahoma said:
On those 3 "things that might make poly appealing" I'm 0 for 3 . I'll have to think if there's others.
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I think you left out one basic characteristic of poly people, which is the desire for multiple very close bonds. See, some people are perfectly happy with one closest person, but I believe some people just want multiple romantic relationships for the closeness and intimacy of them. Idealist is totally like this - one girl is hardly enough for him because his relating capacity and desire is huge. Maybe also the desire to build some kind of "chosen family", which is wider than just the one monogamous partner person. I totally get this one, although I think "best friends for live" type relationships is much more what I would need than a second romantic partner.
 
Tinwen said:
I think you left out one basic characteristic of poly people, which is the desire for multiple very close bonds. See, some people are perfectly happy with one closest person, but I believe some people just want multiple romantic relationships for the closeness and intimacy of them. Idealist is totally like this - one girl is hardly enough for him because his relating capacity and desire is huge. Maybe also the desire to build some kind of "chosen family", which is wider than just the one monogamous partner person. I totally get this one, although I think "best friends for live" type relationships is much more what I would need than a second romantic partner.
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That's a good point - and one I forget because I totally get that need met through the "best friends for life" type situations you mentioned. I wonder why close platonic friendships are "enough" for some people, and others need the freedom to evolve those into romantic relationships :confused:
 
That question goes back to what you were saying about not having seen polyamory as an orientation. It *is* one, at least for some of us, and that in and of itself is why we need the freedom to allow more than one close connection to develop into a romantic relationship.

Asking why will just make your head ache, the same as asking why you're only sexually attracted to men. (If that's true... if not, I apologize, I can't remember if you've said anything about your sexual orientation.)

For people for whom poly is a deliberate choice or lifestyle that doesn't have anything to do with orientation, the "why" might be that they just like having freedom, or they don't see the logic in limiting something as awesome as sex or romantic love, or they've read too many science fiction novels. Or any number of other reasons.
 
KC43 said:
That question goes back to what you were saying about not having seen polyamory as an orientation. It *is* one, at least for some of us, and that in and of itself is why we need the freedom to allow more than one close connection to develop into a romantic relationship.

Asking why will just make your head ache, the same as asking why you're only sexually attracted to men. (If that's true... if not, I apologize, I can't remember if you've said anything about your sexual orientation.)
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More and more I'm starting to think mono vs poly *is* an orientation... Even to the point of being hard to do as a choice. Because ... I just couldn't do it. I mean, I did ok, I didn't ruin anyone's life or anything ;) But it was painful and difficult and frustrating, every day, and it only got harder, never easier. And the hardest part wasn't sharing my partners - it was that constant feeling of being torn in two. Of wanting to be with Andy 24/7, yet also wanting to be with Dag 24/7. Of wanting to clone myself so I could have two monogamous escalator relationships. Ugh, I stress just thinking about it.

But I worry I'm just ... Letting myself off the hook by saying, oh, sorry, I'm not wired poly so I can't do it! Like I want REASONS and LOGIC so I can prove my case. I don't even know why. Guilt, I guess. Guilt over wanting to have my cake (happy stable marriage) and eat it too (fwbs on the side).

I know I have a tendency to punish myself sometimes ... Feel like I have to earn my happiness with suffering... I get to this place of thinking I should have to pay for the happiness of an open marriage with the pain of trying to juggle two full-blown relationships. Like it can't possibly be ok to just go out with a guy for dinner and sex once a week, but not make myself responsible for his every emotional need. It's too easy, too self indulgent.

I want some kind of foolproof diagnostic blood test or something, some evidence I can wave at guys and go, look, I'm scientifically incapable of doing poly, so consider yourself warned! :rolleyes:
 
KC43 said:
..., or they've read too many science fiction novels.
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Love that one :D

GirlFromTexlahoma said:
More and more I'm starting to think mono vs poly *is* an orientation... Even to the point of being hard to do as a choice.
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Problem with this thinking is, that it is IMHO false dichotomy. Yes, I do believe that some people are hard- or soft- wired to clearly want one partner at a time, and some people are wired to want multiple. Some fall on a scale somewhere in between, like the preference is not strong and they can do both. And then there is ... all the rest. People, who are monosexual and polyromantic or the other way round. You, who has the skills and even the emotional bandwidth, but not the desire. Me, who only loved two men at a time once. People who are not suited for long-term relationships at all. People who can do polyamory only as a polyfidelitous triad, or kitchentable or any-other-style only. People whose nonmonogamy is not really polyamory (aka DADT, swinging, thrill-seaking).
We've developed all these elaborate labels for sexual orientations (hetero, bi, pan, demi, trans, a, ... sexual), and people still can't find their proper box (hence genderfluid and sapiosexual and and and), but as gender and sex are only aspects of relationships, the variety of relationship styles is bound to be even richer.
Never mind the number of names and boxes, yours still might not be there.
 
Yeah. I'm really just grasping at straws here. Trying to find some way back to the time when I saw my wedding ring as a "get out of jail free" card when it came to taking other relationships seriously.

I used to feel 100% ok about wanting a no pressure fwb situation. I used to think fwb was the most I could offer a guy, because duh, I'm already married! And then I learned so much about poly, and it's like my free pass vanished. Now when I admit to wanting only a fuck buddy, I feel slutty, selfish, emotionally stunted, and narrow minded.

Dear Potential FWB Type Person,
I think you're awesome. I'm totally into you. If we were both single, I'd be posting wedding dresses on Pinterest and silently plotting which of your furniture to junk when I move into your house with my much nicer stuff. But I'm not single, and neither are you. That happily ever after stuff, we don't get that. The end of the fairy tale for us is a color coded Google Calendar, sleep deprivation, and awkward conversations with each other's spouses. It's more Grimm than Disney.
So let's just skip it, ok? Let's have fun dates, and hot sex, and be each other's cheerleader and shoulder to cry on. We can let it slide if one of both of us is too busy to meet up for a week or two. We can enjoy each other's company while it's good, and part ways if it gets frustrating, no hard feelings. You might call that a relationship. I don't. But that's ok. We don't have to call it anything.
I promise I'm not heartless. I'll do my best to be a good friend to you. But I have to be a good friend to myself, too. Forcing myself into a poly mold isn't fair to me, and besides, you won't be having much fun when I start spending our dates crying. So I'm going to do me, and you do you, and we'll see how it goes, ok?
 
I see that you feel a lot of negatives when you consider having FWBs rather than having poly-partners.

I think more than figuring out why you can't poly, you might want to figure out why you have such negative emotions about the distinction.

For me, personally, FWB is my preferred connection with guys. Relationships are frigging hard! I like sex. If that makes me a slut, so be it. If I want to have guys around me that I get along with and can be sarcastically humorous with and maybe watch TV with--and get naked, hot, and sweaty with too, I'm cool with that. "Slutty" is a term that's taken on far too much of a negative connotation in our society, and although people disagree with me, I prefer to define a "slut" as a woman who isn't ashamed to like and enjoy sex. Which is a positive trait, not a negative one.

Selfish...there isn't anything wrong with being selfish sometimes. Or at least self-focused. We all deserve to have our needs met; being "selfish" just means making sure we meet those needs. It's only a negative thing if we meet our own needs by negating or ignoring other people's. It isn't selfish *not* to want a poly relationship; if someone else needs one, then you and he simply aren't compatible partners, and you each find someone else to meet the relationship/sexual need. You aren't taking away anything from anyone else by not wanting to poly.

Emotionally stunted... um, fuck that noise. I'm frigging sick of people talking like poly is the top of some evolutionary ladder and everyone who's mono just hasn't been enlightened yet. I'm also sick of people talking like having negative emotions means you're immature and too fucked up to be in any relationships at all. You have a solid grasp of what you feel; you don't always know *why* you feel that way, but NO ONE always knows why they feel a given way. You're able to clearly articulate what you want, and you tell that to other people so you aren't hurting them by making them think you're giving them more than you are. That is not emotionally stunted. Emotionally stunted is the people who say there's only one way to do it and you're wrong if you don't.

And you clearly aren't narrow-minded. If you were, you wouldn't accept other people being poly, or gay, or transgender, or whatever. You accept and respect people regardless of their orientations and genders and whatever else. Not wanting to engage in certain things yourself, or not understanding certain things, does not make you narrow-minded, especially when you're trying to understand.
 
You know what I think is the Ultimate Best Thing?

Freedom.

The freedom to be whatever feels groovy to you now, because you wanna.

I was reading an article this morning that came from somebody on the Facebooks, and oh my freaking gawd. That article really illuminated why some folks hate feminism, for me. This writer was on and on about how everything was patriarchy and everything was rape. How even the movement of accepting transgender people is really mostly men (patriarchy) trying to "appropriate" things that are in the sphere of women and interfere in our struggle by watering things down with such distinctions as "cis" and "female bodied" and all. Next they'll have implanted uteruses and steal our ability to create life! Oh, and women who are ok with porn or engage in BDSM or whatever have just been brainwashed. Heck, women who actually "pretend" to like sex with those evil men (the OPPRESSORS!) are brainwashed. Down with the patriarchy!

Well, those folks can pretty much go fuck themselves. I like what I like. And I won't ask myself if I'm being a traitor to my gender in some ongoing battle because of it. My love of my own female self, does NOT require me to live a life of defending my philosophical perimeters against every concept that could POSSIBLY be negative to any woman in the world ever. I ain't got time for that shit, frankly, even if I wanted to live like that.

At some point we've got to get free of these restrictions and break whatever codes are running in our minds that keep us questioning and doubting the things that make us happy. Give yourself permission to like what you like. Give others the same permission. It REALLY DOESN'T MATTER (Really!) if you're doing "it" right. Whatever "it" is. Relationships. Poly. Life. Are you happy, or not? If yes, then good...keep doing happy. If not, why? Stop doing the unhappy. I think sometimes we have to just make it that simple. It is way too easy to get mired down in noise that interferes with our happiness, and frankly, I think that pursuing happiness, and balancing the kind that brings instant gratification (happiness today) with the kind that brings security (happiness tomorrow)...that's what being free is all about. That's the stuff that makes a good and fulfilling life.

So for me, poly was about freedom, and so is mono. I was poly when it felt good and right and natural for that time in my life journey...and when it started to feel strained and forced and not natural and not free, then I sought to change what I was doing. Right now, having this intensely focused thing with Zen feels natural and good. But so does having the freedom to do stuff with other people at parties occasionally, if I've got his cooperation and blessing. And being snuggly and affectionate to any and all of the people anytime is always good for me. Unless they smell funny.

So my thinking is that what you are doing, in considering what feels good and natural, versus what makes stress and tension flare in you...that is good stuff. I've said it before, I think, and I'll say it again...I like you and I think it would be nifty if you'd pop in sometimes and say hi. But you SO don't need to do anything that causes discomfort. If you don't wanna talk about your love or sex life here...don't! It may be a poly forum, but hell, it is YOUR blog space, right??

Wishing you all the happiness. :)
 
KC43 said:
I see that you feel a lot of negatives when you consider having FWBs rather than having poly-partners.

I think more than figuring out why you can't poly, you might want to figure out why you have such negative emotions about the distinction.

For me, personally, FWB is my preferred connection with guys. Relationships are frigging hard! I like sex. If that makes me a slut, so be it. If I want to have guys around me that I get along with and can be sarcastically humorous with and maybe watch TV with--and get naked, hot, and sweaty with too, I'm cool with that. "Slutty" is a term that's taken on far too much of a negative connotation in our society, and although people disagree with me, I prefer to define a "slut" as a woman who isn't ashamed to like and enjoy sex. Which is a positive trait, not a negative one.
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I don't think I'll ever reclaim "slut" - I don't even want to, talk about something that would take years of work lol. The way you use it, a woman who likes sex and isn't ashamed of it, I just call that "well-adjusted human". Slut is... Almost the opposite of that. Someone who lets their sex drive control their life. A lack of control. A lack of boundaries.

As for the girlfriend vs fwb issue, I do need to think on that. The thought in my head, it's like... If I'm just a fuck buddy or fwb, I don't deserve to be treated well, I certainly don't get the same rights and privileges as a girlfriend. Do I still get to expect honesty and disclosure around other sexual partners? Can I still have a boundary around not hearing details about those encounters? Is it too high maintenance for a FWB to have preferences in bed?

There's just decades of ... stuff ... around men treating casual partners less well than serious ones. It didn't get to me when I first opened my marriage, because I honestly didn't see that any married guy would expect a "real" relationship with me. The bar for "success" was lower, you know? I figured if I didn't sleep with other guys, texted every day, was free once a week, and paid for dinner once in a while, I was going above and beyond any married dude's expectations. But now? Knowing there are people who, like, live part time with their second partner, and go to their family events, and check in with them before planning things with their spouse??? I can't compete with that, you know? I'm over here being lazy and selfish, so why would I expect a guy to put in any effort at all? I see myself as having to earn decent treatment by being a Really Good Girlfriend. And the standard for that has gone from "easily attainable" to "fuck I do not have the time for that". :cool:
 
Spork said:
So my thinking is that what you are doing, in considering what feels good and natural, versus what makes stress and tension flare in you...that is good stuff. I've said it before, I think, and I'll say it again...I like you and I think it would be nifty if you'd pop in sometimes and say hi. But you SO don't need to do anything that causes discomfort. If you don't wanna talk about your love or sex life here...don't! It may be a poly forum, but hell, it is YOUR blog space, right??
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When I started this blog, I intended it to be a place to think about poly, the big issues... Life, the universe, and everything ;) I never wanted to do the day to day "what I've been up to" thing... Because I KNOW how much that triggers my not-good-enough feels. I write that I ran 5 miles, and I think, lazy fat ass, should have run 6. I mention that I had people over for dinner, and all of a sudden I feel bad about all the weekends I don't host dinner parties. I know I have a tendency to beat myself up for not doing enough, not achieving enough... And I know that writing about how I spent my day makes it worse.

It's just SO WEIRD what I can share comfortably and what freaks me out. Like, I can blog for days about how I have a fun spot next to my cervix, and I only enjoy sex with guys long enough to hit that spot but not so thick they cause chafing. And it's fine, I don't care who knows or what they think. But I'm terrified to say that my husband and I had sex X number of times last week, because I worry everyone will judge it as not enough.

The "poly stuff" is the worst, because I see how often other folks see their non nesting partners, and get swamped with failure feels because I don't see my boyfriends or fwbs that frequently. The real kicker is that if I DO spend a lot of time with a boyfriend, I worry people will judge me for neglecting my husband.

(That's the heart and soul of my struggle with poly, I feel like I'm always failing at something. If I'm giving enough attention to be a halfway decent girlfriend, I'm taking so much away from my marriage that I'm being a shitty wife. If I'm giving Andy what he needs and deserves, there's not enough left to be a good partner to anyone else. I don't know how anyone does it, honestly.)

I wish I could shut off my need to compare and compete but I have never been able to do that. The only way for me to avoid turning every goddamned thing into a race is to not keep track of what I've done. The second I start counting and measuring, I'm worrying about how I stack up. I go on 2 dates a week, I feel ashamed I didn't have a date every night. Or do I feel like everyone thinks I'm a bitch for leaving Andy home alone ??? Ugh. So I have to just ... Stay away from that. The details and numbers and daily updates on my life.
 
It's been a crazy busy week, kept meaning to write and never had the time ... A couple of things I've been pondering this week...

The thread on "female self confidence", which just... I dunno. I can't summon any anxiety around my genitals. (Which is pretty funny, considering I had a panic attack today when Andy wanted to take a different route to the lake to avoid traffic:rolleyes:) I feel like the mainstream, softcore Tumblr porn I look at shows a pretty wide variety of shapes and sizes. Some women seem to have smaller labia than me, some larger, some lighter, some darker. But just from the sample of twenty-something porn actresses, there's a range, and none of them seem to be considered gross or wrong. There's certainly more variety of female parts than male, I can completely see how guys look at porn and assume all men have perfectly proportioned 9 inch cocks. And there's way more range of labia size than body size, or shape.

Also there's part of me going, well, short of expensive, painful surgery, there's nothing any of us can do about our vulvas. It's not like being overweight or having bad skin or whatever, where people look at you and think, why doesn't she do something about that ??? It's more like height, or race, or age... If some guy prefers 5'10" black women in their twenties, well, I'm out of luck with him, but I'm not going to beat myself up about it. Nothing I can do, you know? In fact the only stress I get around that part of myself is whether to shave or trim or what. I totally perv on Tumblr and Fet to see what the cool kids are doing pubic hair style-wise these days. Because that's something I control, so I feel like there would be more judgement around that.

Speaking of Fet... Actually will start a new post for this.
 
There was a thread on one of the Fet poly groups where I lurk when I'm tired of seeing what 25 year olds do with their pubes these days. It was a discussion about how to handle it when one member of a co-habiting couple has another partner who wants to hang out in the shared house a lot. One of those "yeah that is why I give the fuck up with poly" moments for me.

Because there is NO WAY IN HELL that I could handle a meta (or anyone besides a long time partner!) being in my space very often. And by very often I mean more than a few hours once a week. My house is mineminemine and everyone except Andy is unsettling.

Yet... I COMPLETELY get where the other partner was coming from, wanting lots of unstructured hang out time and the freedom to come over whenever. That is probably the number one thing that makes a relationship feel "real" to me, the assumption that I'm always welcome in someone's home, and that we will spend all of our not-otherwise-spoken-for time together.

If I have to plan and schedule time with somebody... That's friends, or casually dating. It doesn't become serious, committed, partners until spending our time together is the default, the expected, no discussion necessary. Obviously that takes time. But knowing we'd never get to the "my space is your space" place? Leaves it firmly in the realm of FWB at most.

So the whole discussion on Fet... It just seemed like a no-win to me. Unless everyone involved is happy to spend all their free time as a group, I can't see how it works without someone being shortchanged. I think they went with some compromise eventually, one that I would have been miserable with as either the nesting partner or the newer partner.

It was very nice, though, to read through five pages of comments and not stress out. I yelled, "Hey, you know I'd leave your ass if you gave some girlfriend a key to our house, right?" to Andy at one point. He was like, "I get pissed when the doorbell rings because who would dare come here without calling first?" :D
 
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