It's an Iterative Process

[KND]

Now, after a bit of acclimation, I post here to go deeper than is appropriate for the Introduction forum. Disclaimer: The following comes from my own personally held thoughts or perspectives of mine and @DNK discussions. That is to say, “D speaks for herself.”

I plan to create an additional thread which more specifically details the “what I/we are looking for” and the path so far. I think I will do this over in the “Life stories and blogs.” I have really enjoyed reading those histories. Whoever thought that up way-back-when was a visionary. Thank you to all that have contributed to that forum especially those contributing over the course of many years.

I believe relationships (romantic, sexual, professional, kin, etc.) are stronger when the participating individuals join from a personal place of sovereignty and strength. This sovereignty allows the individual to enter/exit the relationship out of choice. I want all my relationships to fit this model. It is not currently my reality, but it is a goal.

D and I interact in this way. We are both independent (financially, emotionally, professionally, sexually, and in other ways), but we choose to come together as partners in the same ways. We know that if the partnership ended, we would likely have emotions/feelings and need to adjust a bit. At the same time, we know that we will be resilient and not deviate from our personal path all that much. D and I move along in parallel motion but where the distance between our paths remains close enough to hold hands . Perhaps, in Poly jargon this makes us solo-poly. IDK. Tags are useful but want for nuance. As we look for other spirits to walk with us (and we them), and in whatever capacity, this is how we wish it to be.

I offer the above as basis for who D and I are, where we are, and where we might go and, hopefully, as prompt for discussion as part of an iterative process in crafting a means for expressing ourselves in an understandable and succinct manner. This would be interesting as, having had this conversation over the years with more than a few people, I am most always misunderstood (with the notable exception of @DNK who basically responded with “Ditto.”).

Kev

 

[kdt26417]

Hello KND,

Thanks for sharing a little bit of your story. It sounds like you and D have a good understanding with each other, and will pursue other relationships with autonomy and independence which is what we generally recommend on this forum. I think many people will want to comment on your interesting endeavors, let us know if we can help.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Now, after a bit of acclimation, I post here to go deeper than is appropriate for the Introduction forum. Disclaimer: The following comes from my own personally held thoughts or perspectives of mine and @DNK discussions. That is to say, “D speaks for herself.”

I plan to create an additional thread which more specifically details the “what I/we are looking for” and the path so far. I think I will do this over in the “Life stories and blogs.” I have really enjoyed reading those histories. Whoever thought that up way-back-when was a visionary. Thank you to all that have contributed to that forum especially those contributing over the course of many years.

I believe relationships (romantic, sexual, professional, kin, etc.) are stronger when the participating individuals join from a personal place of sovereignty and strength. This sovereignty allows the individual to enter/exit the relationship out of choice. I want all my relationships to fit this model. It is not currently my reality, but it is a goal.

D and I interact in this way. We are both independent (financially, emotionally, professionally, sexually, and in other ways), but we choose to come together as partners in the same ways. We know that if the partnership ended, we would likely have emotions/feelings and need to adjust a bit. At the same time, we know that we will be resilient and not deviate from our personal path all that much. D and I move along in parallel motion but where the distance between our paths remains close enough to hold hands . Perhaps, in Poly jargon this makes us solo-poly. IDK. Tags are useful but want for nuance. As we look for other spirits to walk with us (and we them), and in whatever capacity, this is how we wish it to be.

I offer the above as basis for who D and I are, where we are, and where we might go and, hopefully, as prompt for discussion as part of an iterative process in crafting a means for expressing ourselves in an understandable and succinct manner. This would be interesting as, having had this conversation over the years with more than a few people, I am most always misunderstood (with the notable exception of @DNK who basically responded with “Ditto.”).

Kev

Hi,

I am not sure if you want a label or not, but you did mention "solo poly." I don't remember if you and Don share a home? I think you do, and I think you said you've been "hermits" together for a while, but want/need to open your social circle more, and find more like-minded people to hang out with.

Solo poly people might live alone, or with roommates, with or without their close friends and lovers. Generally they are non-hierarchical, and rather free-spirited. They aren't necessarily interested in riding the relationship escalator to the top with anyone, i.e., all the traditional stages of meeting, dating, sex, overnights, meeting friends and family, taking vacations together, cohabiting, making major purchases together, having kids, getting married, making retirement plans together and growing old together.

Even more free spirited than solo poly folks are "relationship anarchists," who do not differentiate any of their loved ones in importance, at least automatically. So they wouldn't prioritize a date with a sexual/romantic partner over spending time with a platonic friend, for instance.

 

[KND]

Hello, Magdlyn- you are perceptive.

I avoid labels or tags except as handy little packages to facilitate discussion. Doing without them would be cumbersome. The trouble with them being they may not represent the full picture.

As labels go, your suggestions get rather close. If I were to taint those a bit from the descriptions you share and from what I have read elsewhere, we could get closer.

More data:

We do live together and have in a variety of ways and places over 7 years. We don’t currently have anyone else in the nest. We are open to the idea and even like the idea especially if the nest mate(s) are groovy and have excellent skills (a great snuggler(ee) or a welder, as two examples). We do spend time in different places, but being together is more practical and more fun so far. We were more solo in the very beginning. COVID pushed us into cohabitation and hermiting.

They aren't necessarily interested in riding the relationship escalator to the top with anyone, i.e., all the traditional stages of meeting, dating, sex, overnights, meeting friends and family, taking vacations together, cohabiting, making major purchases together, having kids, getting married, making retirement plans together and growing old together.

We have little interest in any type of an escalator, but we do envision getting older together. It is the escalator part of this analogy that is not in tune. We make major purchases together; go on vacations together. We are pragmatic in these choices. A lot of life things make sense to collaborate on. It also makes sense to us to define things in the case of futures changes. I think we have an exit plan. Our mindset is rather solo-poly. The reality of it, as I think about it, may not look so to others.

Your example of relationship anarchist is close too. Neither of us would play the ‘partner card’ in a situation that was otherwise equal. As you said, “at least not automatically.” Just the same, I simply prefer to be with D unless it is to be alone which is partly due to the low number of other options (reference the hermit problem) and partly to D being a lot of fun. We both like our alone time.

A working label could be Solo Poly Anarchists. It has a heart-warming acronym.