It's been a very difficult 2 years...

B

bricolage

New member
Hi there,

I'm going to summarize this the best way I can...

My wife and I have been together for 12 years, and have a child.

We decided to open up our marriage 2 years ago and that is when I met someone who I fell in love with.

For various reasons, my wife was not OK with this person being in my life, mainly because I began to transition all of my feelings to her, and she felt threatened by her, felt like she lost her husband, etc. The "love" thing was also a big issue... she just wanted us to date for fun, not love.

I still love my wife, but her and I stopped having sex and she is seeing someone else (although it doesn't seem to be a deep love sort of thing).

We went through therapy to discuss the various issues in this, and there have been many instances where I thought that this will never work, and I need to end it with my girlfriend. We broke up for maybe a week, and were both miserable, so we got back together.

My wife and I were very close to divorce as well, but decided against it.

So basically - I want to keep my family together. I love my daughter and I can't be apart from her. I also love my wife, but I can't seem to be intimate with her while I'm with my girlfriend. I also feel like my girlfriend and I are very compatible sexually and emotionally, but my wife and I are very compatible as parents and raising a family, etc... not so much sexually.

It's come to a point where I need to "tip toe" around my wife in order to ask to go out, etc. She still really isn't fond of my girlfriend at all and sees her as someone who fucked up our marriage. On the other hand, she does seem pretty happy with her boyfriend, but does bring up how she misses the way things were between her and me... and that I'm now this way with my girlfriend. My wife tries to hold my hand, wondering if I'll kiss her, but I don't. It's all very awkward.

The issue I have is that when I need to make some sort of drastic decision, I get paralyzed. I love my girlfriend too much to "stop" her from seeing me, and I don't want a divorce. I've told my girlfriend many, maybe times how hard it is and that it's not fair to her, and I want her to have a normal life with someone and not this half assed thing we have, but she won't let me go.

I also can't let her go.

So yeah...
 
You sound like you're in a tight spot.

Why do you feel things are the way they are? What's stopping the romantic connection with your wife?

Someone once linked me the concept of polyamoryville. Sounds like it's describing a similar situation to what you're describing.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

So basically - I want to keep my family together. I love my daughter and I can't be apart from her. I also love my wife, but I can't seem to be intimate with her while I'm with my girlfriend. I also feel like my girlfriend and I are very compatible sexually and emotionally, but my wife and I are very compatible as parents and raising a family, etc... not so much sexually.
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Could I ask a question?

I notice you say keep the family together. Not necessarily the marriage. If so... could rethinking a peaceful divorce get you out of this tight spot and bring you relief?

  • You could still be near the daughter.

  • You could still care about the wife, but stop being spouses/lovers and focus on being coparents/friends and keep raising the daughter together.

  • You could stop with the "tiptoe" stuff and the "awkward" stuff where wife holds your hand wondering if you will kiss her and you not wanting to really. If you are (coparents and friends), she can stop expecting any romantic behaviors because you are no longer (spouses/lovers).

  • You could keep dating GF. And stop with the "half assed thing."

Since you mention you were very close to divorce... what made you choose to not follow through?

I see where you write that you don't want a divorce but you don't sound like you want this struggle either.

I don't think you will find a solution that solves everything and you have no regrets. I think you have to find the solution that solves most things for you, and the regrets you have are ones you can live with. When everything is hard, you have to pick you hard.

Which solution would that be? Divorcing the wife, ending it with the GF, or both? Because continuing like this doesn't sound great.
  • It's eroding your health and well being.
  • Wife is getting a "half assed" married relationship.
  • GF is getting a "half assed" dating relationship.

I don't think staying this way is good for any of the participants.

The issue I have is that when I need to make some sort of drastic decision, I get paralyzed.
Click to expand...

The only way I know to solve that is to just make the decisions as best you can and get comfortable living with them and living with the outcome so decision making is no longer scary to you. Confidence doesn't fall out of the sky. It is growing by doing. Like a muscle you exercise. You don't get good at tough decision making by avoiding it. :(

Galagirl
 
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Whose idea was it to open up the marriage? Your wife's anger about girlfriend is understandable. It is one thing to be fine with you having another relationship, it is quite another to lose you to it. If you knew you were transitioning, you probably should have done it cleanly by divorcing wife first. The manner in which you have done it doesn't give your new relationship a good start either.

What you have seems to not be poly so much as "Moved on from wife to girlfriend". More of an infidelity type scenario (where your wife's expectations are betrayed by your relationship - even if not secret). Statistics apparently don't have much hope for such relationships transitioning into marriage - a 75% failure rate or something I read somewhere (Shaya would probably have a link). Reasons vary ranging from what is very tempting in limited access losing allure longer term or anxiety about infidelity in new relationship as well to external pressures like guilt over previous relationship and reactions from family and friends.

You have a wife you had a sexual relationship with that you terminated and that she would like to see continue and you have no will to attend to. While you continue in this situation, you are basically stringing your wife along with her expecting more than you want to give. It would be a different matter if the two of you had drifted apart and had separate sex lives but ran a domestic front well together. But she still has sexual expectations from you. This likely will be major trouble and bitterness down the road that will impact your friendship with her and thus your daughter as well unless there is clear action about it. Frankly, it likely will, with divorce too, but not much you can do about that.

In my view, you need to decide what you want in life and then act on it.

If you want to save your marriage and you are able to be intimate with your wife when not with the girlfriend, then you should stop that relationship - yes, it will hurt, but it is at least not a secret from your wife, who would likely understand and also be supporting under the circumstances. Statistically, you have a better bet of success here, plus a non-traumatized wife willing to work on it (a handicap in most cases such statistics come from).

If you absolutely cannot be intimate with your wife with or without girlfriend in picture, you should divorce. Also you should divorce if you are not willing to give up girlfriend in order to make things up with wife.

Some things about your relationship with your girlfriend that may be helpful in making a decision:
  • How involved are you with the girlfriend? How often do you meet her?
  • If you left your wife, would you be entering a monogamous relationship with your girlfriend? Or is it only your wife you are having problems having sex with? What are your girlfriend's views about this? Is she single or married?
  • If you would be moving in with girlfriend - Have you lived in enough with your girlfriend to be past the dazzling state of timebound visits that are special events and feel confident that you would be able to share a household with her long term? If the frequency of time spent together and duration being less than you'd like it to be, each visit is highly anticipated. It will not have this exciting anticipation when you wake up next to each other daily. At that time, will you still be okay with this tradeoff?
  • If you divorce your wife and would be living alone - are you mentally prepared for giving up your wife and family with no certainty of the girlfriend either?

In my view, long term, the place where you are is probably the worst spot. Wife discontented but still making an effort won't make an effort forever and bitterness will result. You are faced with sexual pressures you do not want to fulfill. It is unclear whether you want to spend more time with your girlfriend. It is also unclear what your girlfriend wants. Left to grow wild, this tangle will make everyone unhappy, even the "winners".

One word of caution: If your girlfriend wants you to leave your wife or speaks of her in ways that make her sound unappealing, that is probably a red flag that her views may be influencing your relationship with your wife. If so, don't make any decision about the relationship with your wife without having taken some time away from her influence (missing her is fine, but not input about opinions/perceptions about wife/relationship with wife).
 
Hi bricolage,

It sounds like you are in a tight situation, sorry things have gotten to be like that. I guess I am most inclined to second GalaGirl's suggestion. An amicable divorce would solve a lot of problems.

I hope you can work things out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I think you could have a closer look inside on why it is that you can't be intimate with your wife. Can this obstacle be removed or not? Can you work on your marriage while you have a relationship with gf, or not? Is the decision to have both, although things are not perfect, possible for you, or not?

IMHO you don't have to make a decision if you're not ready. Keep things peaceful and do some more inner work, see what holds you back from making it and following through.
 
I'm not a strong supporter of divorce. That decision takes into account more factors, history and personal beliefs about what's best for your child than you can possibly get into on an internet forum.

But you might have to break free of society's default values. We tend to believe that the person our genitals are most attracted to also have to be our emotional and sexual life partner as well as the co-parent to our kids.

Hope the absurdity of that statement helps to clarify some thoughts for you and your wife. Also, make no major decisions whilst in NRE. :)

Shaya.
 
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That certainly does sound like a rough go. I'd echo Tinwen's suggestion on looking into your intimacy issues with your wife. Often, before a problem can be solved, one must gather more data.
 
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