nycsinger2000
New member
This is long, and I completely understand it if no one reads it. I guess I need to put it into the universe. I guess I need to hear whether I was right or wrong. Any words of comfort will help. It's over that won't change but I need to know that I'm not crazy in thinking I did everything I could to try and make it work.
Many of you know the struggle I've gone through in the last two years to adapt to an open relationship. After 6 years the relationship has finally ended for good. I think I've done everything possible to accept and work with my ex's needs for non monogamy. Unfortunately, in the end, he was rarely ever able to consider my needs and how his actions affected me.
I'm writing this because I'm now on the end of a breakup that has been completely devastating and had very little closure. I don't really understand how things are supposed to work in a mono/poly relationship but I'm pretty sure that from all I've read compromises should be made. I feel like very little compromise was made on my exe's part. Yes he eventually agreed to full disclosure, no mutual friends, and certain guidelines as to how to deliver information. To be honest there were times where with all of that, he fell off the wagon and was forgiven. However, comprises of boundaries were never accepted by him. He would not agree to limiting certain sexual acts of any kind no matter how difficult it was for me to adapt to, he would not agree to keeping his sexual activities to only meaningful experiences vs one night stands and random hookups with "friends". I feel that I would have been willing(and was) willing to compromise on all areas, and feel like I was simply expected to accept him doing anything and everything he wanted, even if he knew it would hurt me.
My ex doesn't identify as polyamorous. He identifies as non-monogamous. If I felt that he had a natural born ability to fall in love with more than one person, it would have been easier to accept. However in the 2 years that we attempted to open the relationship, he only developed an intimate ongoing relationship with one other person and consistently said he "loved" her but was not "in love with her". Other than her, it had been a string of one night stands, unexpected encounters and friends with benefits. Unfortunately, it felt to me as if his need for this was far more about sexual excitement, attention and novelty than love.
To add to the difficulty of it all, our sex life was not extremely active. We stayed in each other's beds 3-4 nights a week, and often only fooled around once every 2-4 weeks; full on intercourse was extremely rare. If I tried to approach sex with him in any way he accused me of objectifying him or pushing. I eventually stoped approaching him and let him make the moves. I will admit that he didn't hook up with others all that often. However when you go 3 weeks without being intimate with your primary partner, and suddenly get the news that he slept with some one night stand, it stings. It constantly rang of " he's not that into you". It was especially difficult that I really had very little desire to be intimate with someone else. I was, for several reasons; the hope that this whole thing could feel normal to me, loneliness, and unfortunately sometimes to feel better about myself. He constantly told me that I was his "favorite" and that he was intimate with me more often than others. Yes it's true I was his most frequent reoccurring sexual partner but am I wrong to feel unwanted when we'd go weeks at a time without intimacy and suddenly he'd have a one night stand, or two in one week? Don't actions speak louder than words?
Everything came to a head ( no pun intended) about 3 months ago. The woman he was dating asked him to join her for a sex party. He'd never done anything like that but she was very active in the sex positive community. He asked me to join and I had a great deal of reservation but considered it. I am not someone who has an appreciation or understanding for anonymous sex, voyeurism, kink, or group sex. However, as with every step of this process, I considered opening my mind and putting myself in the face of grave discomfort, to support him, and see if I could appreciate things I never could. Unfortunately do to the restraints and restrictions of this party, I had very little time to decide or back out if I said yes. He came up with a list of guidelines to follow. One was that he would make himself available to both of his partners for a period of alone time. Although I saw that this would be in a sense fair to both of us, I felt it would not be comfortable for me. After all, his girlfriend was extremely experienced with sex parties, had many friends and other lovers at the venue and I knew no one, and was very uncomfortable with the entire thing. I felt like he should have made himself available to me at any point where I may need his support. I'd have no problem with her being there too, but to be alone for an hour or so did not feel good. He also agreed to "not participate" only look around and get a feel for this type of experience.
I ultimately decide not to go. Unfortunately, he never made it clear that all the guidelines we discussed would no longer be on the table if I didn't go. He did participate.
The next day he broke our rules for exchange of information and insisted on meeting me in person. Our rule was for him to tell Me via text the day after sexual intimacy with someone other than his established partners occurs. This gives me time to process my feelings before being face to face with him. Oral sex was a sensitive issue for us. He always said he didn't like it much and I loved doing it. However, that night he allowed his girlfriend to perform oral sex on him in the back room of the sex party. Then they went to a small after party and he allowed a man he'd just met to perform oral sex simultaneously on him and his girlfriend while 6-10 people stood around and watched.
I know we have different comfort zones and boundaries. However it just seems like my boundaries never mattered to him. I bent over backwards, educating myself, getting to know his girlfriend, going to parties where I had to watch him make out with other people. For a monogamous person this was extremely hard but I wanted to support him and love him for everything he said he was. If we went to an event with his girlfriend, I'd make it a point to give them some space because I know I can be needy. I feel like I always tried to take his needs into consideration. I always thought of how my actions would affect him and I don't feel like he ever did that for me. He set me up that night to have expectations that nothing would occur and instead he allowed himself to be part of a situation that he knew would hurt me, without warning, or discussion. Am I wrong? Is this the way it works? Accept everything or walk away? That night I offered him one last chance to compromise; to meet me in the middle. I was through with lying to myself about how this all made me feel. He was doing whatever he wanted while I just had to accept it. Is that the way a poly relationship should work? To my understanding it's about compromise and negotiating boundaries. Am I wrong in feeling like very few of my needs and boundaries were met? The next day he knew this wasn't going to go over well. He said he was crying at brunch with his friends for a hour. In the end it felt he'd continue to do whatever he wanted to do with complete disregard to how it would feel to me and hope the next day that I'd just get over it. Am I wrong?
I ended it that night. We said we'd be friends. A week later I tried to go to an event he was having for his birthday. I told him things had to be platonic but he continued to push me towards acts of intimacy, cuddling, kissing etc. when I told him I needed to keep my walls up and make sure things remain platonic, he got upset with me. That was the last time I saw him. I'd appreciate any feedback positive or negative, not as to question whether we should get back together. That is no longer an option. I'm simply seek answers to help me get past it all and move forward with my life with as little bitterness and anger as possible.
Many of you know the struggle I've gone through in the last two years to adapt to an open relationship. After 6 years the relationship has finally ended for good. I think I've done everything possible to accept and work with my ex's needs for non monogamy. Unfortunately, in the end, he was rarely ever able to consider my needs and how his actions affected me.
I'm writing this because I'm now on the end of a breakup that has been completely devastating and had very little closure. I don't really understand how things are supposed to work in a mono/poly relationship but I'm pretty sure that from all I've read compromises should be made. I feel like very little compromise was made on my exe's part. Yes he eventually agreed to full disclosure, no mutual friends, and certain guidelines as to how to deliver information. To be honest there were times where with all of that, he fell off the wagon and was forgiven. However, comprises of boundaries were never accepted by him. He would not agree to limiting certain sexual acts of any kind no matter how difficult it was for me to adapt to, he would not agree to keeping his sexual activities to only meaningful experiences vs one night stands and random hookups with "friends". I feel that I would have been willing(and was) willing to compromise on all areas, and feel like I was simply expected to accept him doing anything and everything he wanted, even if he knew it would hurt me.
My ex doesn't identify as polyamorous. He identifies as non-monogamous. If I felt that he had a natural born ability to fall in love with more than one person, it would have been easier to accept. However in the 2 years that we attempted to open the relationship, he only developed an intimate ongoing relationship with one other person and consistently said he "loved" her but was not "in love with her". Other than her, it had been a string of one night stands, unexpected encounters and friends with benefits. Unfortunately, it felt to me as if his need for this was far more about sexual excitement, attention and novelty than love.
To add to the difficulty of it all, our sex life was not extremely active. We stayed in each other's beds 3-4 nights a week, and often only fooled around once every 2-4 weeks; full on intercourse was extremely rare. If I tried to approach sex with him in any way he accused me of objectifying him or pushing. I eventually stoped approaching him and let him make the moves. I will admit that he didn't hook up with others all that often. However when you go 3 weeks without being intimate with your primary partner, and suddenly get the news that he slept with some one night stand, it stings. It constantly rang of " he's not that into you". It was especially difficult that I really had very little desire to be intimate with someone else. I was, for several reasons; the hope that this whole thing could feel normal to me, loneliness, and unfortunately sometimes to feel better about myself. He constantly told me that I was his "favorite" and that he was intimate with me more often than others. Yes it's true I was his most frequent reoccurring sexual partner but am I wrong to feel unwanted when we'd go weeks at a time without intimacy and suddenly he'd have a one night stand, or two in one week? Don't actions speak louder than words?
Everything came to a head ( no pun intended) about 3 months ago. The woman he was dating asked him to join her for a sex party. He'd never done anything like that but she was very active in the sex positive community. He asked me to join and I had a great deal of reservation but considered it. I am not someone who has an appreciation or understanding for anonymous sex, voyeurism, kink, or group sex. However, as with every step of this process, I considered opening my mind and putting myself in the face of grave discomfort, to support him, and see if I could appreciate things I never could. Unfortunately do to the restraints and restrictions of this party, I had very little time to decide or back out if I said yes. He came up with a list of guidelines to follow. One was that he would make himself available to both of his partners for a period of alone time. Although I saw that this would be in a sense fair to both of us, I felt it would not be comfortable for me. After all, his girlfriend was extremely experienced with sex parties, had many friends and other lovers at the venue and I knew no one, and was very uncomfortable with the entire thing. I felt like he should have made himself available to me at any point where I may need his support. I'd have no problem with her being there too, but to be alone for an hour or so did not feel good. He also agreed to "not participate" only look around and get a feel for this type of experience.
I ultimately decide not to go. Unfortunately, he never made it clear that all the guidelines we discussed would no longer be on the table if I didn't go. He did participate.
The next day he broke our rules for exchange of information and insisted on meeting me in person. Our rule was for him to tell Me via text the day after sexual intimacy with someone other than his established partners occurs. This gives me time to process my feelings before being face to face with him. Oral sex was a sensitive issue for us. He always said he didn't like it much and I loved doing it. However, that night he allowed his girlfriend to perform oral sex on him in the back room of the sex party. Then they went to a small after party and he allowed a man he'd just met to perform oral sex simultaneously on him and his girlfriend while 6-10 people stood around and watched.
I know we have different comfort zones and boundaries. However it just seems like my boundaries never mattered to him. I bent over backwards, educating myself, getting to know his girlfriend, going to parties where I had to watch him make out with other people. For a monogamous person this was extremely hard but I wanted to support him and love him for everything he said he was. If we went to an event with his girlfriend, I'd make it a point to give them some space because I know I can be needy. I feel like I always tried to take his needs into consideration. I always thought of how my actions would affect him and I don't feel like he ever did that for me. He set me up that night to have expectations that nothing would occur and instead he allowed himself to be part of a situation that he knew would hurt me, without warning, or discussion. Am I wrong? Is this the way it works? Accept everything or walk away? That night I offered him one last chance to compromise; to meet me in the middle. I was through with lying to myself about how this all made me feel. He was doing whatever he wanted while I just had to accept it. Is that the way a poly relationship should work? To my understanding it's about compromise and negotiating boundaries. Am I wrong in feeling like very few of my needs and boundaries were met? The next day he knew this wasn't going to go over well. He said he was crying at brunch with his friends for a hour. In the end it felt he'd continue to do whatever he wanted to do with complete disregard to how it would feel to me and hope the next day that I'd just get over it. Am I wrong?
I ended it that night. We said we'd be friends. A week later I tried to go to an event he was having for his birthday. I told him things had to be platonic but he continued to push me towards acts of intimacy, cuddling, kissing etc. when I told him I needed to keep my walls up and make sure things remain platonic, he got upset with me. That was the last time I saw him. I'd appreciate any feedback positive or negative, not as to question whether we should get back together. That is no longer an option. I'm simply seek answers to help me get past it all and move forward with my life with as little bitterness and anger as possible.
