It's time to scream it all out...

A

Ariya

New member
Hey lovely people!

I'm Ariya, 31, biologically female, using by habit mostly female pronouns, but not defining myself as a "woman" per se. I personally give a shit about what pronouns are used as long as it's clear who is talked about.
I found out that I'm polyamorous already in primary school, although I had no idea, what to call this how I felt, but I remember very clearly from early on, that I never understood, why I was pressured by my family to decide between all my male friends and wasn't allowed to be friends with everyone equally. For me, realizing that I'm thinking differently about this topic set the foundation for becoming poly later on...or at least for daring to dive deeper into this topic again.

At the moment I am in a romantic relationship since 2017 with my boyfriend (59). He is sceptical of the whole topic but since I fell in love with someone we were dating together, it is so fresh and up-to-date for me as it feels like never before.

Further I'm defining myself as pansexual since I also found out about the existence of the word because I like to love and share intimicy with people regardless of their age and gender. First I always said that I'm bisexual but since there are so many more genders than just two, I found it fair to say that I am actually pansexual. My friends and family know about it... like they know that I am poly. But my boyfriend's friends are not allowed to know everything about us. He is too afraid what they would think about us. Many of them are living in Sweden and Sweden is not really an openminded country when it comes to sexuality. He is afraid that people could think less of him, as if he is not attractive enough to keep such a young girlfriend... That's total bullshit, but I don't know how to change his mind about it. And additionally we are building up an Adventure B'n'B here and he is afraid that the locals would disapprove of our project, if they heard details about our private life... not easy right now...

I'm here to find likeminded souls to share my experiences with because in my life outside of the internet, I have as good as no one to talk about polyamory and this is more and more and more EATING ME UP FROM INSIDE. So it's time for me to SCREAM IT ALL OUT for staying mentally healthy. I have the feeling that I would go mad, if I didn't do something about it very soon...

The polyamory topic entered not long ago my life again and I wish for nothing more right now than to find people who are at a similar stage in their lives.
On the one hand I would also appreciate advice from the OGs on this site here... but I'm also equally afraid of it because I also noticed that the older members or rather long-term members here are partially not so nice to the new people. Very often I get the feeling that they are annoyed with the newbies for not knowing everything yet. And I also came across some posts, that were closed already but are of absolut relevant topic for myself. I would like to talk to people about my inner feelings and thoughts but I'm afraid that I am actually not allowed to share them anymore because a lot of other people are bored by this already here and would just link to posts from long ago because "oh we had this topic already, it's nothing new". I WOULD LOVE TO FIND PEOPLE HERE WHO ARE AT A SIMILAR STAGE OF EXPLORING THIS LIFESTYLE... because after all my research, fully living this is still really new to me. I just do not want to get on the OGs nerves because my current challenges are an old story to them. I would wish that someone takes me by the hand, takes some time and patience to tell me that everything is ok and we can figure it out together somehow. I would love to find people to whom this is as new as for me. So where can I talk to like-minded ones without getting on the nerves of the OGs here? Is here maybe a feed or so that I haven't found yet, where people new to it can share their experiences?
I stumbled over this site many years ago already, but back then I would not have had the courage at all to post something here.

I'm also still looking for where would be the best spot where I could just blog about my relationship experiences...

I'm also trying to give my best to learn all the new vocabularies of the glossary. I have to say, I have a challenge with abbreviations in general because I usually don't even like using them in my everyday-life because to me it always feels like something or someone becomes less important and less appreciated, when you shorten a name/term down to an abbreviation. So please forgive me, if this takes a bit extra long time to learn for me.

I hope this finds some ears or rather some eyes to get read by...
Happy to exchange thoughts in future.

With lots of love - Ariya
 
Ariya said:
I'm also still looking for where would be the best spot where I could just blog about my relationship experiences...
Click to expand...

The "Life Story's and Blogs" section would be good but if you want feedback in there you NEED to invite it.


Ariya said:
On the one hand I would also appreciate advice from the OGs on this site here... but I'm also equally afraid of it because I also noticed that the older members or rather long-term members here are partially not so nice to the new people .
Click to expand...
I'm sorry it seems that way but I think they are just being brutally honest, sometimes it's needed. Also sometimes people post things that may be against the rules or way off topic and need to be reminded.


Anyway welcome and don't be afraid to say what's on your mind.
 
Greetings Ariya,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

I would be happy to talk about polyamory with you, it is hard when you don't have anyone with whom you can talk about it. There aren't many people out there who are accepting of poly, much less knowledgeable about it. You will find that most of the active members on Polyamory.com are both. On the other hand, if you are concerned that some people might not be so nice to you, you can message me privately, I give you my word that I would not say anything hurtful. I will not be dismissive towards you if your concerns are old news to me. On the other hand, it is good to get feedback and advice from a wide range of people, that way you can select which feedback and advice works for you.

We do have a blog section, it is called Life stories and blogs, if you post there, the rules are that no one is supposed to advise or criticize you there, unless you specifically ask them to do so. I recommend it. You might also want to check out our glossary thread. I understand your concerns about things being abbreviated. Anyway, I hope this site can be of some help to you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Welcome.

I think most active people here are kind and respectful. If you ever feel disrespected feel free to speak up and you can also block specific members if the same thing keeps happening. We want you to have an open supportive environment here but we recognize that all personalities don't mix.

I hope you have a good experience here
 
Ariya said:
But my boyfriend's friends are not allowed to know everything about us. He is too afraid what they would think about us. Many of them are living in Sweden and Sweden is not really an openminded country when it comes to sexuality. He is afraid that people could think less of him, as if he is not attractive enough to keep such a young girlfriend... That's total bullshit, but I don't know how to change his mind about it. And additionally we are building up an Adventure B'n'B here and he is afraid that the locals would disapprove of our project, if they heard details about our private life... not easy right now...
Click to expand...

I'll reply to this bit. I guess I'm one of the OGs.

Being out used to be really important to me because of the things that were most significant to me at that stage of life. It was right that those things were important to me, then, because I was building the kind of (older) adult life that I was figuring out I wanted. That was when I was closer to your age.

I am now closer to your partner's age. I've mostly achieved that life I wanted to live and I'm still sort of open to new connections. I've noted that some things that used to be more important to me are not. Two of the main things are labels/formal commitments (sometimes known as The Talk) and integration into new partners' lives (ie them "being out").

Everyone that is important to me in my that need to know I'm poly, knows. At this point, that is everyone in my life. I have an established, stable, poly network of partners, friends and metamours who provide all the support and social interaction I could want. I have various obligations to bonus, chosen and biological family. While I won't reject more, I don't exactly need it.

I can't see future nesting partners on the cards. That's the only type of relationship where a partner's family and friends not knowing that I am poly would severely inhibit the way I use my home and therefore impact on my life in unacceptable ways.

The people I meet now are usually in a stage of life where they have similar stability either as a single, partnered or solo ENM person and aren't seeking to change that very much. As long as I didn't need to host their friends or family in my home, I can't see any reason why them not knowing I was poly would limit us any further than we have chosen to limit ourselves.

So that's why someone like your partner wouldn't pose the same sort of issue for me as he might do for you. I'm at a stage of life where I don't need his family and friends to meet my partners because I don't intend to have the type of life companionship that I was have been seeking at other stages of my life where that sort of total transparency and integration in my partner's world was a core need.

Tldr: I couldn't be "primary" partners with someone who needs me to hide being poly but I could have a "secondary" relationship with someone under those terms.

Sorry I forgot the last bit. I also think that your partner has a point when it comes to the BnB and people knowing that you're poly. At least some people Will assume that it is a swinging venue. Some of those people Will book with that assumption.

There really are downsides to being out.
 
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