It's working!

L

Loz

New member
Hi All,

I realised that most people, including myself, tend to post on here when things are going downhill. I guess when we're content we just get on with things. I thought I would post about good things for once. It's not surprising that mono people come on here and ask desperately if there are any mono/poly relationships which work. Well, I posted recently about that fact I was not feeling prioritized and got some great advice. Obviously the key to solving issues is always the same: communicate your needs / desires/ concerns. Well, I did and my husband listened and has made sure that we are having the time he can manage at the moment when he is in the middle of a campaign. It is not easy to ask for what you want sometimes because you might feel selfish or needy but it's got to be done!

Well, I took some matters into my own hands. I didn't want him to act as the middleman between me and his gf anymore so I started messaging her and these turned into deep, engrossing conversations and I could see that I could help her a lot with her insecurities because I understand how his mind works and she is still getting to know him properly. She, for instance, is not jealous of me at all but she is insecure about the chance of him getting involved with anyone else. She feels she would be last in, first out but I know the strength of his feelings and how there is no space at all for anyone else what with me, her, 3 children and a super demanding job! ON Saturday the three of us went out together and had an amazing night (drinking too much wine!) We got on like a house of fire. I don't think my husband got a word in edgeways! We even invited her back to our home for one more bottle so I am really happy that now she is becoming, in an unusual way, part of my family. My husband was over the moon about how things went and I just feel a sense of happiness for both of them as well as security in our own relationship. She and I have kept up the messaging too and are planning our next get together.

I was sitting there with the two of them in that wine bar and it's like the world melted away and we were the most normal set up in the world. Since then my husband and I have had our own quality time and we share everything - now with less insecurity and more encouragement on my part. I know it's not always going to be easy and there will be struggles but it is working. I can feel it and my anxiety is gone.

The only qualm left at the moment is the tiring reality of having to prepared to lie to family and others. We have all told a couple of intimate friends / family members but at this point there is no way we can make it public. People really wouldn't understand. I think that once S becomes a staple in our lives, in conversation and presence at our home, one day his family will put two and two together but it has to be organic so they can see before their eyes how happy we are. If we announced it, there would be immense skepticism, and the idea that he would taking or being a bad father or husband. It's a bit difficult because we live in the same flats as his parents who come down every evening to chat with me and the children and notice he's not there. At the moment it is the campaign so it's normal for him to be home v late but when there is no campaign, i guess new stories have to be invented. He spends 3/4 evenings there but always sleeps at home. He has had one sleepover which I covered by taking kids out to breakfast early. It's a shame society is just not ready for us but I know how homosexual people must have all felt in the past and some still feel today.

Can't wait till the campaign is over so we can rekindle the family time dynamic properly because that is what is suffering and it's not because of the relationship as the boys are all asleep when he goes there. I get my quality time, one-on-one but I miss our family unit outings and stuff. We are planning a weekend away in June and we have a big family holiday in July. One day we will be able to holiday together maybe, if it all remains as is. I am not opposed to her being part of a certain dynamic though I know we will always have us two and they will also have their alone time.

Sometimes I think 'woah this is one crazy thing we are doing!' but it is enriching in so many ways. Our relationship is so beautiful and communicative and intense and sexual even after 17 years! I enjoy my alone time to pursue my interests or just sleep early (my husband is a total nightowl). I have made a friend, a special kind. I know that my husband is the happiest I have seen him and it's not because he has someone else but because he has freedom to be him and he has not lost all he built because of it. As he says, he couldn't have done it without me and it's true. He is poly, he is happy with both of us and wouldn't be with just one so there's no threat of being replaced. His life would have been easier if he just left me for her. The dynamics and balancing act are complicated but he has chosen the difficult path because he wants both of us.

Just thought I would share that. I am sure something will worry or annoy me again but now it is great. Society makes it harder than it needs to be but it is possible to feel that security and sense that it is the right thing inside our intimate space. Maybe the world will catch up but for now, what we have is a beautiful situation which I didn't see myself as capable of. Yet here we are :)
 
That's great, thanks for sharing. I hope things continue to progress well.

You might want to start a blog here to share your thoughts and actions as things go along. I am especially curious how things will be, doing this stealthily under the eyes of relatives you fear will disapprove.
 
Hi Loz - glad things are going so well with your husband and your metamour - that is how I envision poly at its best - where all involved are close - metamours are friends or even "family".

My metamour and I met briefly at the beginning but because he and Becky are a long distance relationship, the logistics just don't work out very well for us all to ever really hang out - and I don't think Ben (who is in an open DADT marriage) really understands poly well enough to be comfortable with that - at least not yet.

Also glad that you have made a special friend as well.

Best Wishes! Al
 
Thank you for the positive story!!!
 
Good job Loz. It's not easy doing what you're doing. I started a thread recently that might be of interest to you.

Rock on,
Shaya.
 
Hi Loz,

Thank you for sharing your positive story, we don't mind hearing a relatively negative story, and that's what we're here for, is to offer feedback/advice for folks who are in trouble. But it is refreshing to be reminded that sometimes poly relationships work out A-O-K. And, many newbies will be encouraged by that, and will hang in there knowing that things can go as well as they have for you.

Sincerely gladdened,
Kevin T.
 
So happy for you Loz. It is wonderful to read about things going well. Most of us are in the lifestyle because it works and enables us to live lives fully and with greater intensity.
Whom to tell and how much of it to make public is always a challenge. We are happy so far that our kids know and are fine with it. The rest of the family and friends will know in time and we think we are prepared for it but I am sure there will be heartbreak and drama that will come along with it....but then hey, who said anything worthwhile comes easy.
 
I was just saying to my husband that sometimes it worries me that there are not many happy stories on the forums, which I know makes sense but did make me a little nervous. I love that you posted the positive and thank you for showing others (me) that this walk in life can be amazing. :)
 
Update

Hey All,

Thanks for your messages. Things are still going strong. THe three of us went out for cocktails on Saturday night and had a blast. I am building an excellent relationship with S. In fact, next outing is going to be me and her and AL is staying home with the children!! The hinge in a V definitely has to have some serious stamina to deal with two mono people's insecurities. It is definitely a challenge but my husband never chooses the path of least resistance. I am someone who has to process one step at a time and he thinks it should be: decision made - then easy! But I always process each step and Im getting quicker at it. S gets insecure sometimes too because she has never really been in love before and it's sod's law that she has fallen for someone who carries a giant piece of baggage in the shape of me so she gets vulnerable and worries that she might lose her importance. I am working on trying to make sure she has all the opportunities to have a real, not extra relationship. They have had some arguments about this but I gave them the space to work so last week he spent most evenings with her working on it. I guess the important thing is not to focus on time but on needs - not an easy thing for me to get used to but the closer the three of us are, the more I want to care for her needs too. I am a daunting addition to her life: 17 years, 3 children, a gazillion memories and travels and she has a high level of respect so she never wants to upset me so I make sure that me and Al deal with time sharing issues cause she tends to hypercorrect.

Al wants her to feel secure that she has equal opportunities even if , in the place we are, we can't be equals as such so we are introducing a couple of sleepovers and I suggested she takes him to a hotel for his birthday. I hope that she realises that that is a sign I am not struggling with their relationship growing.

The problem is Al gets exhausted walking on ice as he feels so normal and secure in it he does not see what kind of things might become an issue for either her or me. Now we have told a few more people: she told her Mum and Nanna and her best friends, I have told my mum who is super supportive, my total rock who thinks more people would like this, including her, if it wasn't for society's taboos. We have not yet told his parents and that will change the game because they live upstairs and are constantly coming to visit. If they knew, I could just explain that he is at her place, or they are staying in a hotel, or eventually they are on holiday together instead of lies and stories. I am leaving that up to him. I feel strong about it now so if they know and judge I can deal with that. Really it's just adjustment period - like coming out as gay, or teenage pregnancy or anything people are generally shocked by at first. For now, I am going to be vague: he's out with friends. Really it's our life so if they want to keep digging, Ill refer them to him.

Because he is tired, he is losing patience if one of us has an issue: it's like PTSD because he feels he has to walk on eggshells as obviously getting to this point was very hard and I suffered a lot with each step at the beginning: I mean, he said he loved her before they even got together and she always had some personal drama with her family or whatever so for the first few weeks, I had to sacrifice a lot of my days so he could take care of her. You can imagine that was difficult for me I hope. But now, I have normal concerns I think: like he spent the evenings of Tues to Fri with her last week and sat he continued on to a party with her after our cocktails and so I thought, right, I have given him and her lots of time, obviously he will cancel with her on Sunday but he didn't until I said something after which he made it 5pm-10pm and came home early. Last night he was talking about a two day break with her before we go abroad for 10 ten days which might give her some security - I said fine but then he starts going on about going for a weeks holiday later on and it starts to irritate (not break or devastate) me that he has to keep changing the goalposts. Can't we just cross that bridge when we come to it? We have been in a campaign which ends on Sunday in which he has barely been home and spent time with the children. Well I know I'll be fine with it when we get there but honestly, I think he's still learning to balance properly.

What do you think about my responses? Am I making an unnecessary concern? Do you poly folks have to deal with things like this or is it a mono/poly issue? I am obviously still getting used to things. Are these concerns that a poly person would have : about holidays away or time sharing or is it a matter of acceptance = happy with new developments always. I would appreciate your feedback.

I feel good about the whole thing overall, content and super enjoying time with the three of us and time with my husband alone and my new developing friendship. I can't imagine going back to mono. My husband's face lights up when the three of us are together and I don't feel the pressure to meet every one of his needs and take responsibility for any discontent or unhappiness he feels.

Let me have your thoughts
 
You sound very happy overall. I do see that things must have been difficult for you at first, but you sound really content with life as it is. Very happy for you. Most would struggle, so don't beat yourself up when you get the wobbles a little.

You could probably give advice to some of us! ;)

Good luck,
Shaya.
 
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