I’ve returned and I have a question

freakyfa

freakyfa

New member
Hello all. I posted in this forum some months ago. Life and COVID got in the way, but I won’t bore you with the details. All our lives have been upended with the pandemic and the world’s current state of affairs.

Anyway, I matched with someone on a site very recently and we met a couple of days ago. He’s charming, intellectual, and handsome and we seem to have great initial chemistry. He’s poly of course with several partners and I’m open obviously, but still remain undefined at this point.

I honestly could see myself having a relationship with this guy. He’s a writer, photographer, and filmmaker and seems all around a genuine, caring person as far as I’m able to tell at this time. He currently resides in my city and often travels but that doesn’t bother me. We even quite unexpectedly had a spanking scene at his apartment a few hours after we met though nothing sexual happened.

All in all, I feel this may be a promising start, but I feel a little perturbed by something. Even though I know of, don’t mind, and respect his right to have other partners, why do I already feel annoyed that I have to share his time and attentions? I honestly don’t feel anything resembling jealousy at this point, but I do have a slightly selfish desire for him to put his immediate attention on getting to know me. I would never demand it of course. I’m also absolutely aware that these relationships would take precedence over a new person coming into his life. Nevertheless though, I feel a minor irritation at the prospect of “sharing” someone even if I can’t truly say that we’ve established anything.
 
It is still called jealousy. It comes in many forms and is just part of the deal. We all deal with it at some time or another.

Good book - Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola the three of us have gone through it. It has been very helpful. If is for open relationships but applies to all.
 
freakyfa said:
Nevertheless though, I feel a minor irritation at the prospect of “sharing” someone even if I can’t truly say that we’ve established anything.
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So you might be experience a bit of societal program or less equal NRE (new relationship energy).

Societal programing is that when you meet someone and click. You and that person should want to spend all the time together in the world. The Movies/TV/Tails of love is magic and we stay up just never leaving each other side. Whether you know it or not, it could be a pre program idea you might have and think should be the way it will be.

NRE could be you experience the desire to be around someone greater than he does. Based on your description, people come in and out of his life all the time. But he only comes back to a few people. You might on the other hand a different attachment style desiring more time and attention. This does happen sometimes.

Also don't blame the other people for lack of desired attention or intimacy. It is an easy target but the desire is just to have more time with the new guy and you are blaming it on them. That isn't fair to the other partners. It is his decision on how he balances time and focus. Focus on what you to can come to terms with first.
 
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TXretired said:
It is still called jealousy. It comes in many forms and is just part of the deal. We all deal with it at some time or another.

Good book - Jealousy Workbook by Kathy Labriola the three of us have gone through it. It has been very helpful. If is for open relationships but applies to all.
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Even though I still don’t necessarily agree with the term itself, I can see how it might have parallels to jealousy. It requires some introspection and thanks for the recommendation!
 
tdh said:
So you might be experience a bit of societal program or less equal NRE (new relationship energy).

Societal programing is that when you meet someone and click. You and that person should want to spend all the time together in the world. The Movies/TV/Tails of love is magic and we stay up just never leaving each other side. Whether you know it or not, it could be a pre program idea you might have and think should be the way it will be.

NRE could be you experience the desire to be around someone greater than he does. Based on your description, people come in and out of his life all the time. But he only comes back to a few people. You might on the other hand a different attachment style desiring more time and attention. This does happen sometimes.

Also don't blame the other people for lack of desired attention or intimacy. It is an easy target but the desire is just to have more time with the new guy and you are blaming it on them. That isn't fair to the other partners. It is his decision on how he balances time and focus. Focus on what you to can come to terms with first.
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Thank you for your perspective. I never thought of a possible imbalance of NRE. Knowing myself, I tend to form strong attachments early and when I feel that isn’t reciprocated enough my insecurities start to well up. This proclivity toward self-doubt in relationships is something I’m working on.

I don’t feel I blame his partners. From the way he describes them, they sound like wonderful women and they’ve formed a fantastic friendship between just the two of them. They’re an integral part of his life and I’m taking pains to respect that. I understand he needs his space to nurture his bonds with them and I just need to accept that.

I’m definitely hoping though he’s not the type to just collect women. He says he believes in non-hierarchical polyamory and that’s one aspect that attracted me to his profile. I also made it abundantly clear to him that I would not tolerate being an option rather than a priority. Only time will tell if that’s true. We’re planning another get-together when he returns home from his trip to visit his other partner.
 
GalaGirl said:
Since you did a spanking scene a couple of days ago -- maybe a little subdrop in there too?

Galagirl
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Hmm, good point. Some people desire space after a scene even if it went well. Judging by his demeanor and words afterward it was a positive experience.
 
Hi freakyfa,

You could be experiencing a residue of monogamous conditioning -- a subliminal notion that if one partner gets more romantic love, another partner will get less. Even though on a conscious level, you know that's not the case. It's hard to overcome conditioning, and almost impossible to eliminate it 100%. Sometimes you just have to experience a poly relationship, to get a feel for the poly principles. And this takes time, it doesn't happen overnight. Most likely you are experiencing multiple things -- of which that residue of monogamous conditioning is just one. Hopefully the posts in this thread so far have been helpful.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
freakyfa said:
Andddd I think I may have been ghosted.😩
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Dating can be such an emotional roller coaster. The individual you have described sounds like they have a lot going on. Maybe he got busy and needs some more time to respond?
 
Sorry to hear that, freakyfa. I wish people would be more considerate.
 
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