Jealous?! Oh dammit, it's my turn

[sdguitarguy]

Arg. Dealing with a spate of jealousy/envy/something else.

I've been seeing Liza just over a year. She's married (they don't have sex), three kids. They have an open relationship. Ted'snot currently seeing anyone but he has in the past. Liza tells me that he is ok with the current relationship but that he's really don't ask, don't tell about it. He knows when she comes over.

Liza & I have developed a deep relationship. But between the kids, a new job, and taking classes, the time we have is pretty limited. And she doesn't want or plan to change her situation for at least two years. She's not out to her family, friends, or colleagues.

Liza went on a business trip and slept overnight with the husband (Bert) of her ex-gf (Annie). They didn't have sex, she's not particularly attracted to him.

Nevertheless, this has stirred up a lot of feelings for me. I'm kind of glad she's still out of town so I have some time to shake off the first wave of feelings.

The "overnight-ness" of the visit bugs me. It's something we don't get to do very often. Maybe this is more envy or fear of missing out.

I've had enough relationships to know when one is more special than others. We get along on so many different levels. Intellectually, sexually, plus we've been exploring kink and that's opened up a level of intimacy that I've found surprising (as a side note, it's not my first kinky relationship but it's the first one where it's really clicked).

So, it's not the guy. He's not threatening. The idea of "things I would like to be doing with her that I can't" seems to bring things up.

I guess I'm looking to clarify my own feelings before I talk with Liza when she returns from her trip.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi Dino,

That sounds like a frustrating situation. I'm not sure if you'll be able to spend more time with Liza, not at least during the next two years. But maybe she can shuffle the schedule around so that you get more overnights with her? Just a thought.

I hope you'll get feeling better.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[Leetah]

I don’t know whether it would help to think of it as envy rather than jealousy. Envy of someone getting something you want but have not gotten might be easier to think around thanthe fear of loss that is behind jealousy. You can think about what can be done to either get what you want or how to have patience until you can have it. Or, I suppose, decide if you cannot be happy without overnights.

Leetah

 

[GalaGirl]

To me jealousy is "I have something and I'm afraid someone will take it away" and envy is "I want something somebody else has." So envy in this situation sounds about right. You want the "overnightness" that Bert got/gets.

Liza went on a business trip and slept overnight with the husband (Bert) of her ex-gf (Annie). They didn't have sex, she's not particularly attracted to him.

If she's not attracted to him, but makes the effort to spend time/sleep overnight with him... and she's attracted to you but doesn't make the effort that could feel uncomfortable.

She's allowed to spend her time how she wants though. And she's not a mind reader.

When she returns, you could tell her you would like opportunity for a sleepover too. And ask if she could be willing to plan one with you. If she cannot do it locally for "being out" reasons... perhaps plan a vacation away together so the overnightness can happen then.

She either is willing or isn't willing to consider an overnight somewhere away.

Galagirl

 

[cwpoly]

At first, my partner and I would not spend the night together at my home, even in different bedrooms. We did enjoy some overnight trips away from home together.

It took a while for us to become comfortable with the emotions that staying together at home brought up.

Starting the overnight process away from home helped us understand more about how we were feeling in a much better setting.

Both of us have little problem sleeping in the same bed with someone we aren't romantically or physically interested in. When it's just two bodies asleep in bed, I just care if they snore or stink worse than my dog.

 

[sdguitarguy]

If she's not attracted to him, but makes the effort to spend time/sleep overnight with him... and she's attracted to you but doesn't make the effort that could feel uncomfortable.
Galagirl

True. It's not that she doesn't make the effort. Right now, she's traveling on a business trip unencumbered by kids and he is a friend from the East Coast (we're on the West Coast). When she's here, she's has to deal with kids & husband, work, evening classes, and homework so overnights are maybe once or twice a month. We have talked, she knows I would like more time. But I don't push too much because I know she has a great deal on her plate.

But you're correct I think. It does feel uncomfortable but not because she doesn't make the effort.

When she returns, you could tell her you would like opportunity for a sleepover too. And ask if she could be willing to plan one with you. If she cannot do it locally for "being out" reasons... perhaps plan a vacation away together so the overnightness can happen then.

Again, yes, this is something we've discussed. We both want this. This trip happened on short notice plus she was meeting with people for the first time for her new job. Could have pulled it off but we decided not. In retrospect, a mistake I think. Hard to say. I'll talk with her about it when she returns.

 

[sdguitarguy]

At first, my partner and I would not spend the night together at my home, even in different bedrooms. We did enjoy some overnight trips away from home together.

It took a while for us to become comfortable with the emotions that staying together at home brought up.

Starting the overnight process away from home helped us understand more about how we were feeling in a much better setting.

Both of us have little problem sleeping in the same bed with someone we aren't romantically or physically interested in. When it's just two bodies asleep in bed, I just care if they snore or stink worse than my dog.

Over the years, I have shared my bed non-sexually with quite a few people including my ex-wife and a few ex-lovers. It is kind of a non-event. It's becoming clearer to me that this isn't about the other guy but that I would like more time with Liza overall and this simply may not happen. Or rather, I fear that it may not happen.

But who knows until we actually talk about it? It's possible that we find something that works for both of us.

 

[sdguitarguy]

I don’t know whether it would help to think of it as envy rather than jealousy. Envy of someone getting something you want but have not gotten might be easier to think around thanthe fear of loss that is behind jealousy. You can think about what can be done to either get what you want or how to have patience until you can have it. Or, I suppose, decide if you cannot be happy without overnights.

Leetah

Thanks, it's becoming clearer that it's not jealousy. The twisted logic of that voice in my brain appears to be: "Her overnight reminds me that I want to spend more time like that with Liza but it's unlikely to happen here (locally) for at least a year or two more so therefore we're done for and I'm sad that I'm going to have to break up with her and attempt to find someone who is a fraction of what she is to me again."

Good grist for the mill.

 

[sdguitarguy]

Hi Dino,

That sounds like a frustrating situation. I'm not sure if you'll be able to spend more time with Liza, not at least during the next two years. But maybe she can shuffle the schedule around so that you get more overnights with her? Just a thought.

I hope you'll get feeling better.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

Kevin,

Thanks. We'll certainly be talking about what we can do. It may be that I have to make plans to travel with her more to get more free time. Who knows. We'll have that discussion.

 

[kdt26417]

Sounds good.