Jealousy and Trouble Adjusting

O

OceanDonefish

New member
So I'm not new to polyamory. I'm currently in a triad going on three years. One of my partners has seen several people in that time, while both me and my other partner haven't seen anyone, that is, until very recently.

My partner Jay has started seeing someone just a few weeks ago quite suddenly and I haven't been handling it very well. To be honest, I'm not good with change and in this relationship I haven't had the experience of someone new being introduced. So I'm trying to cope with my insecurities and jealousy.

One thing in particular that I'm having trouble adjusting being that Jay and I share a room and when he brings her home he's bringing her to our room, and having sex with her in our bed. I'm not comfortable with this, but he doesn't have any other space avalible to take her. They can occasionally go to her place but she has a live in boyfriend in a studio apartment so if he's home, no privacy.

This situation is upsetting to me because my bedroom is my safe space. It's where I go to get away and be comfortable. With this happening I feel like that space is being violated. But at the same time I feel like I can't say no to them using that space because Jay doesn't have a space of his own to bring someone.

I just don't know what to do at this point. Because ultimately I am happy for him, and I want him to enjoy his new partner and be happy. But at the same time I feel like things are moving too fast for me and it's all up in my space.
 
Hello OceanDonefish,

I am guessing that your main problem here is your violation of your personal space. I understand why you have to share that space with Jay and his new partner, but I can also understand why it would be upsetting to you to have to give up that space. I am not sure what to suggest. Unless you could get a little studio apartment of your own? Then Jay and his new partner could have whatever space they liked, it just wouldn't be your space. Does that make sense?

I hope you are able to find a solution to this problem.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Is it a possibility hat you and Jay could live separately? Or move to a place with a second bedroom? Or get a futon or something?

I think this is a common issue amongst folks who are used to cohabiting with a partner. Glasses and I never had this issue, but until we got more comfortable with things, I initially only hosted Ponytail in the den on the futon.

I don’t think it is uncommon to ask that you not be ousted from your bedroom. If you wanted to ask for some consideration in this regard, I think you would be within your rights. Laptop and his wife have a rule about not having sex with other people in their bed. It is odd to me and I really wish they had a fold out couch but instead we just fool around on the floor. Meh. We make it work.

I think, ideally, it would be best if you could reframe your thinking around your bedroom as being your “safe space.” Is there another room in your home that could have the same feeling for you if you did some things to make it your own?
 
Given this is the first outside relationship he's had aside from your shared partner, it's understandable that you'd have some issues adjusting. In light of that, would he agree not to host her in your bedroom? There are other possible solutions: she host when her partner isn't home, they get a hotel room (some rent by the hour), use the common areas of your shared home (either you stay in the bedroom or away from home while she's visiting), they find some other place for private times. It could be a temporary thing. Once you've had time to adjust, it may not feel like such a violation of your safe space for him to host in your bedroom.

If he won't agree to that, then you may need to get creative in finding a safe space that's all your own.....or even as Kevin said, have separate living spaces.

That said, the bed is really not the issue. It's just a trigger. Looking at the issues and emotions behind the jealousy will help you dismantle it.
 
I can completely relate to how you feel. For me, my entire apartment needs to be my safe space, due to PTSD and anxiety disorder. Home is the one place I don't have to be "on", where it's okay to fall apart into a blithering mass of panic or to just sit still because if I move, the world is going to spin too fast. I also am not good with change.

I'm fortunate in that my husband, with whom I share the apartment, is monogamous, so I don't have to deal with metamours entering the home. But I also strongly prefer that *my* other partners don't visit me here, because if someone is here who doesn't live here (or who isn't one of my kids), the place doesn't feel as safe. It feels, as you say, as if it's been violated. It isn't only other partners; I generally prefer that *no one* visit us here, which is fine with my husband since he also generally prefers that.

Hubby said early on after I started doing poly that he would prefer I not bring other partners here. He's since said he's okay with me having another partner visit, as long as nothing sexual happens because to him, me having sex with someone else in the apartment he and I share, and especially in the *bed* he and I share, feels disrespectful. I happen to agree with that, so it isn't an issue for me; in the unlikely event that I were to invite another partner over, there wouldn't be anything happening beyond some PG-rated physical affection.

I believe it's important to have a safe space if one feels like they need that. And I don't believe it necessarily has any underlying issues or emotions; sometimes we just need a place where we can decompress and not have to deal with other people. (Sometimes, as in my case, it does have underlying issues, but nothing to do with jealousy or insecurity, more to do with mental health.) I think it's admirable that you want to find a resolution to this that won't interfere with your partner's new relationship, but I want to state that you absolutely *do* have the right to say, "I'm not okay with you screwing your new partner in our bed." It's your bed too, your room, your home, and you have as much of a say in who goes there and what happens as Jay does.

That doesn't obligate him to change his behavior, but you at the very least have the right to tell him how you feel and the effect this is having on you, and you have the right to ask him (not command him, not give ultimatums, but ask) not to bring his other partner over, or at least not bring her into your bed for sex. Again, he has the right to say, "Sorry, I'm going to keep doing this," but that doesn't negate your right to state your needs and boundaries. It is NOT, in my opinion, your responsibility to enable their relationship or any aspect thereof. It's *their* relationship. It's *their* responsibility to find a solution to "where can we fuck" that doesn't displace or discomfort others.
 
KC43 said:
I can completely relate to how you feel. For me, my entire apartment needs to be my safe space, due to PTSD and anxiety disorder.

I believe it's important to have a safe space if one feels like they need that. And I don't believe it necessarily has any underlying issues or emotions; sometimes we just need a place where we can decompress and not have to deal with other people. (Sometimes, as in my case, it does have underlying issues, but nothing to do with jealousy or insecurity, more to do with mental health.) I think it's admirable that you want to find a resolution to this that won't interfere with your partner's new relationship, but I want to state that you absolutely *do* have the right to say, "I'm not okay with you screwing your new partner in our bed." It's your bed too, your room, your home, and you have as much of a say in who goes there and what happens as Jay does.
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THIS... and pretty much everything else KC43 said.

Bringing someone else into my bed would definitely be a deal-breaker for me. I suffer from anxiety and social phobia, and my home is my safe place - always has been, since before I entered a poly relationship. I generally don't do well with other people in my home for extended periods of time, and certainly wouldn't if it meant I'd be ousted from my own bed, room, or house while a partner entertained someone else sexually or otherwise.
 
kdt26417 said:
I am guessing that your main problem here is your violation of your personal space. I understand why you have to share that space with Jay and his new partner, but I can also understand why it would be upsetting to you to have to give up that space. I am not sure what to suggest. Unless you could get a little studio apartment of your own? Then Jay and his new partner could have whatever space they liked, it just wouldn't be your space. Does that make sense?
Click to expand...

That makes perfect sense and I understand where you're coming from. Unfortunately, given life and financial circumstances, a studio of my own is a little out of the question. But thank you for taking the time to respond!
 
Not a problem, I hope I can help.
 
OceanDonefish said:
So I'm not new to polyamory. I'm currently in a triad going on three years. One of my partners has seen several people in that time, while both me and my other partner haven't seen anyone, that is, until very recently.

My partner Jay has started seeing someone just a few weeks ago quite suddenly and I haven't been handling it very well. To be honest, I'm not good with change and in this relationship I haven't had the experience of someone new being introduced. So I'm trying to cope with my insecurities and jealousy.

One thing in particular that I'm having trouble adjusting being that Jay and I share a room and when he brings her home he's bringing her to our room, and having sex with her in our bed. I'm not comfortable with this, but he doesn't have any other space avalible to take her. They can occasionally go to her place but she has a live in boyfriend in a studio apartment so if he's home, no privacy.

This situation is upsetting to me because my bedroom is my safe space. It's where I go to get away and be comfortable. With this happening I feel like that space is being violated. But at the same time I feel like I can't say no to them using that space because Jay doesn't have a space of his own to bring someone.

I just don't know what to do at this point. Because ultimately I am happy for him, and I want him to enjoy his new partner and be happy. But at the same time I feel like things are moving too fast for me and it's all up in my space.
Click to expand...

As you understand they need space too, I think the reasonable thing to do is for the 3 of you to put money in for them to use hotels. I don't think it is okay to kick you out of your room or use your bed, but I don't think it is okay to forbid use of the only space to actually be polyamorous so as neither of you can move out without putting one or both of you in hardship, a hotel which you all pay for is the reasonable compromise. Even her boyfriend could contribute.
 
SEASONEDpolyagain, while you offer what seems as if it might be a reasonable compromise, I'm curious about why you think it's OceanDonefish's responsibility, and that of the metamour's other partner, to add to the "let's get a hotel room" fund. The relationship is between OceanDonefish's partner and his(?) other partner; if they want to have sexy funtimes, it seems to me to be *their* responsibility, and theirs alone, to find a way to do so without negatively impacting anyone else. Personally, I would consider being asked to contribute money to a relationship that is not mine to be a negative impact.

Not saying you're wrong; I'm wondering about your reasoning.
 
I see potentially major problems. For starters, the idea that "I have a hot date so I control the bedroom" is questionable at best. Has ODF in the past exercised such control? Will ODF be in a position to do so in the near future? If "no" & "no," it's lopsided control.

Then, why is there so little space? There appear to be at least two rooms in this apartment, though the telling makes it sound like a 15-by-20 efficiency. IMO, if there's two rooms, then the "hot date" can take place in the main room.

If they "need privacy" then they can go somewhere else, like say HER place.

ODF is already contributing to the "hotel fund" -- it's called PAYING RENT. :rolleyes:

And every little fling & anonymous hookup is certainly NOT deserving of the usual Romanticist "but it might last forever!" garbage.

So, OceanDonefish, being that this is "polyamory," now that you've gotten a better grasp of your feelings, & had time to have discussions with your partner(s), what have you worked out on how you will proceed?
 
Ravenscroft said:
So, OceanDonefish, being that this is "polyamory," now that you've gotten a better grasp of your feelings, & had time to have discussions with your partner(s), what have you worked out on how you will proceed?
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It's only been 3 days since they posted their problem. Good chance they haven't "worked out" what to do amongst the group quite yet.

Poly can be difficult for people with small incomes and small living spaces... Sex usually requires a private space. When I was young I used to have sex outside quite often. A campsite costs much less than a hotel room. An out of the way nature spot is free. Some people resort to cars, of course. Maybe your partner could get a van.

Of course, college kids are used to being "sexiled" while their roommates are gettin it on with someone. They go visit a friend, go to the library, a bar, take a freeking walk, go see a movie, go play pool, whatever, for a couple hours.

One of my exes had a small house he shared with his wife and teenage sons. They knew he was poly, but he needed privacy, so he built a very small cabin on his land where he could have his lovers visit.
 
Ravenscroft said:
Then, why is there so little space? There appear to be at least two rooms in this apartment, though the telling makes it sound like a 15-by-20 efficiency. IMO, if there's two rooms, then the "hot date" can take place in the main room.
Click to expand...

I actually read this...
Jay and I share a room and when he brings her home he's bringing her to our room, and having sex with her in our bed.
Click to expand...
...to suggest that ODF and Jay share a room in a larger group home/roommate situation (perhaps with their triad partner?).

Being poly doesn't create the time, space, and other resources to do poly. When resources are shared (whether by necessity or preference), there has to be discussion about how to use them fairly - the child care duties, or the money for a vacation, or the shared bed/room/home. The suggestion that there is some right answer to this (e.g., "real" poly means letting other people fuck in your shared bed, or contributing funds to accommodate them elsewhere) is ridiculous. [Edit: I misunderstood a previous post to be suggesting this -- I now don't think that's what they meant. I'll leave this here, as it would still be ridiculous. But now I see it wasn't being suggested above.]

ODF, I would suggest that you talk to Jay about your discomfort. Acknowledge the difficulty Jay faces in finding somewhere safe and private to entertain his new partner. Assert your need for having reliable access to personal space that strangers (to you) don't have access to. (I've made assumptions here, but you could tell him what your actual needs are.)

Needing your own space is a very normal and relatable need. NRE might make Jay resistant to acknowledging your need. He will probably feel frustrated with the lack of an easy solution -- helping you meet that need while still getting sexy time with his new partner. Empathize, but continue to advocate for yourself.

If you think you can let it continue as it has been *for a defined time period* while those two work out an alternate solution, then maybe you could say something like "Within three weeks, I would like to have the privacy of our shared bed (or room, if you don't normally entertain in your room) set back to you+me". If you can't feel okay with that, you have every right to ask for him to immediately find an interim solution that doesn't involve them having sex in your bed. Poly doesn't mean sacrificing yourself.

It might help you and Jay to review the reasons that you live together and the values you share, and to brainstorm about whether your current living situation will continue to serve your needs going forward.

Good luck.
 
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KC43 said:
SEASONEDpolyagain, while you offer what seems as if it might be a reasonable compromise, I'm curious about why you think it's OceanDonefish's responsibility, and that of the metamour's other partner, to add to the "let's get a hotel room" fund. The relationship is between OceanDonefish's partner and his(?) other partner; if they want to have sexy funtimes, it seems to me to be *their* responsibility, and theirs alone, to find a way to do so without negatively impacting anyone else. Personally, I would consider being asked to contribute money to a relationship that is not mine to be a negative impact.

Not saying you're wrong; I'm wondering about your reasoning.
Click to expand...

Generally, I think it is helpful for as many members of the network as possible to club together to help sustain all relationships. I get the feeling that OFD would be in a bad and possibly worse housing situation than the hinge partner if they decided that having their own space where partners' are invited into their bed or vice versa would better meet their needs. Additionally,,it would mean a disentanglement or demotion of relationship status and that means a lot to some people.

This decision could be avoided if all members take some responsibility for making sure everyone has the physical and mental space to conduct their relationships to give them the best chance of success. It isn't altruism so much as an investment.
 
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