Jealousy Issues / Dating Monos

[BelleRose]

I'll keep this brief.

I'm noticing that I struggle a lot with jealousy and general insecurity with my relationships with mono people. I assume this is because, with poly people, I know that other partners won't necessarily replace me. But with mono people, because choosing is sort of built into monogamy, it's been really difficult for me to feel secure.

Is this expected? Has anyone else ever dealt with this?

I'm starting to lean toward the decision of letting my mono/monogamish partners go because of the anxiety it causes me, but if there's another way to handle it, or some way that I can communicate my need for...perhaps, reassurance?...I'd like some advice.

 

[PurpleSun]

I would say that dating mono people is inherently more difficult.

Monogamy and polyamory are simply two completely different relationship orientations/worldviews. I've tried and tried with mono people. Always ended in disaster. I think you have the right idea re: breaking it off with them. That's just me, though. I know that mono/poly pairings can work, but they rarely do.

 

[GalaGirl]

I think it can work if the person is monoamorous (wants 1 sweetie) and is relationship shape flexible. They are ok doing monogamy. They are ok being an endpoint person like in a poly V.

I think it may be working at cross purposes if the person is monoamorous (wants 1 sweetie) AND monogamous. (want a relationship shape that is 1:1).

Galagirl

 

[lunabunny]

Monogamy and polyamory are simply two completely different relationship orientations/worldviews.
I know that mono/poly pairings can work, but they rarely do.

I think it can work if the person is monoamorous (wants 1 sweetie) and is relationship shape flexible. They are ok doing monogamy. They are ok being an endpoint person like in a poly V.

I think it may be working at cross purposes if the person is monoamorous (wants 1 sweetie) AND monogamous. (want a relationship shape that is 1:1).

I can only speak to my own experience, which is similar to what GalaGirl said.

Both of my partners are monogamish/monogamous with me; the hinge in our closed V. It was rough at first, admittedly, but once we each expressed our individual needs and boundaries and fined-tuned our expectations and limits... it's been more or less smooth sailing.

In my case, it helps that my partners both know and love each other (in a more or less platonic fashion, although they used to be involved some years ago). It also helped that we shelved any notion of a triad after a false start, and have settled into a V, which seems to suit all of us.

Neither has any desire for other partners, and neither feels any notable jealousy toward the other... which helps ME feel way more secure. (You'd think THEY may be the ones who'd be insecure, but it hasn't worked that way in my relationship/s.)

 

[River]

Almost all generalizations tend to come undone under careful scrutiny, it seems. But I'd say, tentatively, that the crux of the matter which divides the thinking, feeling and experience of poly folk from monogamous folk is that poly folk generally don't frame "real and true love" (or 'commitment') in terms of exclusivity. Both love and commitment mean something different in these two (general) camps.

The monogamously oriented person generally won't feel fully and entirely loved if their partner has another love in his/her life. The poly person very well might not feel fully and truly loved unless they are free to love others, freely.

There really are two distinct cultures of love here.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi BelleRose,

I think it is okay to ask your monogamous partners for reassurance directly. "I am feeling rather scared, would you be willing to offer me some reassurance? I just want to know that my place is safe with you." Something like that.

Just a thought, I hope it helps.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[KC43]

My husband is monogamous, or at least monoamorous. He has zero desire to have any other relationships, at any rate. But my seeing other people was his idea to start with, and he has had no problems with it according to him. He doesn't want a woman who'll be monogamous with him; he wants me.

The first two non-husband partners I had after I started doing poly were also mono. One of those relationships ended because the guy violated my consent; the other ended because he found a mono woman. With the second guy, poly never quite sat well with him, not because he didn't agree with it but because he was afraid other people in his life would find out he was dating a married woman.

I actually feel more secure with Hubby, and felt more secure with the mono guys, than with my boyfriend who is poly. Sure, the mono people might wander off to find a mono woman to be with, but I know that won't happen with my husband, at least, and if it were to happen with a mono partner, as long as he was honest with me I would be okay with it. But with a poly partner, I still have the fear of not being good enough, which means he might replace me with someone else even though poly means he doesn't have to, plus on top of it I have the fear of ending up with another metamour who can't stand me and tries to sabotage my relationship. There might be more risk of a breakup with a mono partner, but there's a whole lot LESS risk of drama, as far as I'm concerned, and I would rather deal with a breakup than drama.

 

[vinsanity0]

I've has monogamous partners in poly relationships. I've never worried about them replacing me. My only real problem was with them wishing they could be a replacement for my wife at the time.