Journey of a Young Poly Person

L

LittleStuffies

New member
I suggested doing this because I've been having what I call 'really bad poly days,' meaning I've struggled in some way. It's like something opened up inside me the past few days and only goes away when it feels like it.

Background:
I'm a 21 year old kinky person living in rural TN with my parents and three dogs. I came out as kinky to my parents a few years ago (at 19) and it was a decision I regret. The biggest thing you need to know to help you understand me and my relationships is that I am a Little.

What is a Little? There is no set definition. My definition is different than that of my partners. The easiest way to describe is is that a Little is an adult (18+ and I stress this--actual children are not involved in any way) who has a loud inner child. Some regress to a younger age or set age range, others don't, some people have a set age and others have an age range. Some love diapers (called DL--Diaper Lovers), some fall in the range of 0 to 3 (called AB--Adult Babies), some fall in the middle between 3 and 12, some range between 12 and 17, and some don't feel they fit in one place at all times.

For me personally, I range from four to ten. I love sippy cups (the one thing I've picked up from the ABs), My Little Pony, pink, stuffed animals (stuffies), coloring, playing on swings, stuff like that. I usually range from four to ten to my biological age, meaning that where I am emotionally/mentally can change hour to hour.

In addition to being a Little, I am a submissive, but they don't always have to go together.

Poly background:
My first venture into poly was in a closed triad back in February. The primary couple was G and W, a couple that had been together for 10+ years and had a daughter together. I became their Little and submissive after knowing them a month. As it was an LDR, I texted them a lot and we Skyped nightly so that they could read me a bedtime story. I knew their daughter and she knew me as 'a friend who likes to be read stories too.' The relationship was my first venture into having a woman as a sexual and romantic partner. The sexual part I didn't like, the romantic part I did, but I didn't say anything (which I now know I should have). I adored them and they adored me; things ended two weeks in because G felt I had a 'stronger personality' than him. He was right. It was still painful.

My second attempt I don't really even count as I realized quickly into it that I needed to be my male Dom's primary, not a Little to a couple.

My third attempt has been wonderful, confusing, and sometimes painful. It's my first time exploring open poly. It's almost bedtime and I still have some stuff to do so I'll talk more about it tomorrow.
 
For the head's up, all of my relationships are long distance.

I've been with M since the middle of July. My relationship with M is platonic and I look up to her like I would a second mom. I call her my girlfriend to the poly community and my Mommy to the kink community. She is my caretaker and has given me rules to help keep me safe and feel loved but she isn't my Domme.

At the same time I got involved with M, I also began a relationship with D. D and I had been friends for a year or two so the trust was there. It shouldn't have been. I walked into it knowing he worked 18 hours a day and his phone was acting up. His phone constantly acting up should have been a red flag. I fell fast for him, therefore ignoring the signs that were there. M tried to warn me and I blew her off because she wasn't my D-type and I've regretted that since.

He was good about keeping in semi regular contact with me for a while but then one day he had a family emergency (that he wouldn't tell me about) then it was that his phone was acting up pretty frequently. At one point he told me that he got it fixed--never mind that it was the weekend and I never knew him to take a day off. I realized early on that he would read my messages and ignore me if what I said wasn't interesting. I walked on eggshells trying to say the right thing. I told him that I loved him a month in and gave him all the space he needed--I didn't expect him to say it back. Two weeks later, he called me 'my love' and I asked him what it meant. As usual, he ignored me. I finally asked if he was trying to tell me that he loves me and he said yes. I'd later discover that he would never say it directly but loved when I told him I loved him. I do believe he tried--I wrote daily journals for him and he would respond by doing some things I requested of him in the journal. He made me smile and, when things were good, things were amazing. As I was his submissive, I wanted to make him happy so badly.

I wasn't perfect. I made mistakes when it came to our relationship. I don't blame it all on him but I won't say that I was the issue, because I wasn't.

The last straw came when I didn't hear from him for six days. At the time, I was dog sitting for family. M and I had gotten much closer in those three or four days (I didn't break up with him until day six) and I was relying on her and her new soon to be partner N for support. I sobbed into the phone, asking how he could abandon me, while M and N let me, listened, and told me they were there and not going anywhere. They told me they would support me no matter what. Listening to N's advice, I messaged D one last time and told him we were over if I didn't hear from him that Saturday, telling him that I deserved better. A day or two later, he responded, 'Kid, my phone has been acting up and I haven't had access to a workable phone.' He's 19 years older than me. I called bs on that, told him that he could have borrowed someone's phone to let me know what was going on. By the time I'd broken up with him a day or two later, I was emotionally done. Between him, my 18 year old cat passing away when I was gone, and going from being really upset and hurt about N's existence (she was sprung on me, assumptions were made my both M and I, etc) to becoming good friends with her, all while keeping it secret from all of my family, wore me out.

The only good thing that came out of D's abandonment was my stronger relationship with M and my new friendship with N.

I'm supposed to write in this daily but I've been busy and I've been able to clearly communicate with M and N about a lot of things. I spent a good amount of time feeling insecure from the time I knew about N to recently. I got so tired of being a mess and I felt horrible about telling them, yet again, that I wasn't okay. Weekends are hard for me because they're active in their local kink community and I'm just here, keeping myself busy and waiting. They do know about this journal and are supportive.

I don't have a poly support network. The two people I'm close to outside of M and N are both monogamous but supportive. The only non-monogamous people in my town on Fetlife (while I do use the same username for Fetlife, my real town is not listed) follow the OPP and I want no part of it. I was sexually monogamous with D by choice as I'm not a very sexual person; however, the people in my town seem to do it due to the men being controlling and easily jealous when it comes to other men. I'm largely an introvert and get easily overwhelmed by talking to a lot of people.
 
I have to write in this every day now that I have three partners (one relationship still developing) and another relationship in the early stages.

My parents are stressing me out. My dad is always joking about how I don't do enough--the house would be a pigsty without me doing dishes, vacuuming, dealing with the trash, and taking take of the animals--and my mom won't shut up. All I want is some peace and quiet. With my ADD and having so much going on with my partners all the time, I am stressed.

It's even worse because my parents only know my girlfriends as good friends and my mom is iffy of M while being even iffier of me making it to their wedding next year. "A year is not that long to know someone." People fall in love and get married in less than a year all the time. No, I have not physically met M, but we have Skyped and she has done more things for me than I can ever thank her for. Our relationship is built on love and trust and it may be different but it is HEALTHY and that is more than I can say of my parents' own relationship. I did not grow up seeing the healthy version of love but I did see a version of it that is emulated in my own relationships; we do not give up, we work through things and move on. Obviously not everyone can do this and plenty of people are better divorced than married (my aunt and uncle for example).

I know when I come out to my parents my dad will kick me out. He is strictly conservative and I am his gray a biromantic poly kinky daughter passing herself off as straight and single because it's safest that way. Getting kicked out is going to happen--I know it and my girlfriends know it--but it has to happen after I visit them and make sure we fit. After that, I'll be making plans to move to them, and I think it'll probably be them driving down here and renting a Uhaul or something. By then they will have a house and space for me. Obviously I'll be paying them back in some way as I look for a job. Until then, I'm stuck pretending.

I don't do well hiding stuff from other people, especially family.

Stuff that has happened in the past month:
Found out N is bipolar and it's untreated.
Became official with N as of November 5.
M and N became engaged!
My abandonment issues are mostly gone!
I'm doing well in my online class.
Studying the driving handbook is boring but I should be ready to take the written test after winter.
Gained my own Little boy--I am not his Domme, just his Mommy--and things are still developing. We'll call him B.
Very recently started talking to a guy M and S both adore and we're letting things flow naturally. If things keep going how they're going, I will have a Daddy Dom in the next few months. There are issues there with his existing but I have done my part and reached out so it's out of my hands. We'll call him P.
 
Hi LittleStuffies,

I like hearing about your experiences - thanks for sharing them with the community. I do hope things improve with your parents.

Would you consider using nicknames instead of initials? It's a bit hard to keep track of everyone, especially with the addition of your LittleBoy and P.

Take care!
Reflections
 
I can do nicknames!

Starting now:
M will be Mommy.
N will be Nicole.
B will be Buddy.
P will be Pink.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! It has been a very long day for me. Got up at 7ish, got ready/packed, texted people (Buddy turned 19 today), lunch at my Gran's, cards, cousins came over, parents left, and older cousin (age 22, I'm 21) gave me liqueur root beer. The three of us (22, 21, 20, and 13) climbed up the hill behind my Gran's house and older cousin helped me because it's steep--yes, I was wearing a dress, leggings, and sneakers attempting to be one of them when I'm overweight and not much taller than the youngest. The younger two left and the oldest is sleeping on the couch so we could hang out.

I came out to him about being poly during a trip to the gas station. There are a ton of changes happening so I talked about that but repeatedly said that I am happy and I love my partners, it can just be very stressful. He doesn't understand it but he was cool about it.

Pink wants to be my Daddy Dom! There are tons of complications that I will talk about tomorrow.
 
It's 2 am, Mommy, Nicole, and Pink are having "kinksgiving" at Pink's house with Pink's sub (Traditional) and a bunch of other kinky people, and I am in bed at my Gran's house processing.

Background:
Pink lives alone. He spends time with Traditional daily who is monogamous and is struggling with him being poly, despite them being together four months and her knowing he was poly the entire time. I have reached out to her and not gotten a response. He is divorcing from his second wife and has three kids with her.
Mommy and Nicole live together with Nicole's dad. They are engaged, share a car (Mommy gets hers back next month after repairs are done), and have been looking at houses.
Mommy, Nicole, Pink, and Traditional live close. All four are active in their local kink scene.
Mommy and Pink are close in the platonic way.
Nicole and Pink are close in a way that likely will eventually turn sexual. This is a very new development.
Mommy, who is a Pro-Domme and trusts very few men, encouraged me to contact Pink after making sure he was interested in me. I have been hurt in the past by Daddy Doms--the last one emotionally abused me and past others just got tired of me and abandoned me--so she was very careful in picking him for me.
Pink and I started texting November 18. We quickly discovered that we have a lot in common, despite the 27 year age gap. Due to my girlfriends trusting him, it was an automatic for me to trust him, since both have past trauma that makes trusting men difficult.
Pink being around has caused insecurities with Buddy who already has self esteem problems. I have made it clear to Buddy that I am not going anywhere and that I still adore him. He lives a few hours from me currently but will not be coming with me when I visit Mommy, Nicole, and Pink, which he is okay with. I am encouraging him to find a girlfriend when he's ready. We will be having plenty of phone talk time soon, something I know he needs. We are not officially partners but may as well be.

This will be edited to add more!
 
Thanks for the nicknames - hugely helpful!

Hope your Kinksgiving is amazing! :)
 
Enter long day two. Pink and I talked on and off most of the day. The four of them are two hours behind me time wise. I didn't talk to Mommy or Nicole until later in the day.

Buddy dropped a bomb on me. He was asked if he wanted to be the Little of a local Mommy friend. He is now choosing between her and me. I don't feel he'll choose me.

Pink had a long talk with Traditional. She is okay with him having other partners as long as she is his primary and pet. I don't feel comfortable not at least talking to her before entering into a relationship with Pink but I will not push her and my girlfriends know and adore her.

Pink and I have also talked about our relationship a good number. I told him that I do eventually want to be a primary of his and he agreed if it develops naturally. He had me creating a long list of likes and dislikes for each headspace to use as a guide for our relationship.

Nicole told on me today to Pink and Mommy. I have several punishments and I have to research punishments all weekend for my big weekend task. :/
 
I am ready for this weekend to be over with.

First thing this morning I did my final punishment--putting soap in my mouth for five minutes and emailing Mommy and Pink as much of the video of it as I could. The gross feeling after I took it out was not worth the violation that got me punished that way (I was a smart mouth).

I need to talk about aftercare with Mommy, Pink, and Nicole. I often have to provide it on my own due to the distance. I haven't needed it much but I do make sure I do something to make myself happy after the punishment is complete. I have to be told that I'm a good girl and that I'm forgiven by my power exchange partners before I can let it go myself.

Things with the other Mommy Buddy was talking to have gone down hill. He doesn't know where it leaves he and I as he's really confused about all of it. I'm just going to be here for him and be patient.

Pink is into sci fi so I attempted to draw the Tardis. I failed horribly. I did the Doctor Who logo and a quote from the Fourth Doctor instead.

I worry about Pink when it comes to my Little headspace. The positive, fun stuff I know he'll be wonderful at but the times when I am regressed and need his attention or I will start crying? It concerns me. I have enough trouble when I'm struggling and Mommy is busy and I bond with men much quicker.

I know there are kinky people here but, for those who aren't, I am an adult (21) who mentally regresses (range between 4 and 10). I am attracted only to other adults. Mommy is not related to me biologically and neither are Pink and Nicole. We are all consenting adults.
 
Today wasn't really poly focused. I didn't even get to talk to Nicole at all today.

Pink told Traditional to check her messages online where I sent the one to her. No response to me yet. I told him that I am uncomfortable entering into a relationship with him without at least initial contact from her. I get the feeling she will try to pretend I don't exist because I'm 2,700+ miles away from them. Never mind that I will be important to him/am important to him and his and my relationship will likely be deeper than his and hers despite the distance due to the type of power exchange and us being boyfriend/girlfriend too (she chose no bf/gf). I won't force her to talk to me or anything. To be honest, I'll be surprised if their relationship lasts. That sounds horrible of me to say and I'm only saying so because of things he and my girlfriends have said.

Buddy and I had an awkward phone call.

Mommy has been busy but we did get "us" time today.
 
Thank you guys for your replies! I'm glad you all appreciate my honesty.

Today started off relatively well. By 4, I was in tears. Nicole mentioning Pink makes me feel sick because it automatically reminds me they'll have a sexual relationship and then I feel guilty because I consider her my sister and I want her to be happy, especially since she has such trouble trusting men. The fact that she even wants to be sexual with a man is so amazingly huge. I called Mommy in tears after I explained what was happening. I didn't realize she was at Pink's house or I wouldn't have called--I don't want him hearing me bawling when he's deciding if he wants to be my Daddy or not. Mommy told me she completely understand why I'm feeling the way I am and said out loud a lot of stuff I wouldn't even admit to myself. As Nicole's Dominant, she has decided that she and Pink will not be sexual until after I visit. This is the second time Nicole has sacrificed something for me and I feel so much guilt.

I accept that Pink has other sexual partners. Honestly, it's kind of a relief, as I'm not super sexual myself. However, I have never shared a male partner, much less with someone who I've very close to.

A part of me really wants to give up on things with Pink and find some nice monogamous man I won't have to share and deal with all of these scary feelings about. Pink told me he was concerned about me being jealous. If I gave up in the beginning with Mommy, I would have missed out on so much love, so I won't with Pink.
 
I think I screwed things up. Pink read me a bedtime story and I admitted that I was needy. He sighed and asked if him reading another story later tonight would help. I apologized for being needy and he said it was okay but, based on his sigh, I don't think so.

Mommy's phone is dead and she no longer brings her phone charger out of the house. She and Nicole are going to see a movie with Pink, Traditional, and maybe other people.

There are tears in my eyes and I'm regressed and I feel so horrible for screwing things up and I need my Mommy and I get to stay up past my bedtime for story time. I have an hour and a half to get myself together/cry my eyes out with my favorite stuffie.
 
Mommy goes between the reasons I'm not "really" poly because my first poly experience was a closed triad (which she doesn't consider to be "real" poly) and the fact that I'm closeted poly due to where I live and then constantly reminding me I'm new to poly. It's pissing me off. I will talk to her about it but I have to tell her in a polite way that won't get me punished with soap in my mouth for ten minutes.

Pink and I talked last night. I didn't screw up and he said it's okay for me to be needy. I have fallen so hard for the man. We're on a good track. We're going to talk tonight in a few hours.

Nicole feels like I think she's gross. I don't know where the thought comes from but she is really struggling. I'm going to call her tomorrow and we are going to talk it out. The only reason we aren't today is because she's cramming for an exam tomorrow.
 
Today was a tough day. Last night, Pink read me a story but soon had to go to watch Dr. Who with Traditional. He also reassured me that he and I are okay. I told Traditional hi and she said hi back so yay for progress! I went to bed with a smile on my face because he made time for me.

I was good for most of the day. I've been dog sitting for my grandparents for the past few days and I had to catch up on chores I've been putting off. It kept me busy, as did listening to the Big Little Podcast.

Around 4:30, I started getting anxious. I hadn't heard from Pink all day and I was worried. Not that I'd screwed up or anything, just more along the lines of asking why I hadn't heard from him. When we talked, he apologized for not talking cause he was super busy, and I told him I understood but to please warn me next time. I immediately realized it wasn't right to ask him that.

I have an anxiety disorder that is mostly under control with medication. It's Social Anxiety Disorder and I will battle with it the rest of my life. However, not knowing where I stand with someone and things changing will cause it to act up and I will make myself nearly sick. I have abandonment issues too.

Nicole and I got to talk on the phone! She is not going to push me away again and things are good.

Pink told me that I'm important to him! I am a happy girl!
 
LittleStuffies said:
...I told him I understood but to please warn me next time. I immediately realized it wasn't right to ask him that.
Click to expand...

Dear LittleStuffies

Your journey is very different to mine and I am enjoying reading a little about your world. This is the first statement you have made that concerns me. Even a child has the right, if not always the capability or knowledge that an adult has, to ask for their needs to be met. Any parent will tell you they learn as they go. And Pink will be learning how to be your Daddy and what needs you have from him as your Daddy - surely helping him out with grown up phrases once in a while will help, not hinder, your relationship.

On a different note, I know the feeling of, "yay, progress" when interacting with a metamour, so that we can share :)

Evie
 
@Evie

You're completely right. Part of my uncertainty is that I have no idea where the boundaries are. He said he wants things to develop naturally, which I understand, but I'm uncomfortable not knowing exactly what is expected of me. I don't do well being in the gray area, which is ironic seeing how my sexuality is very much gray. The consideration period I struggle with because I act like his sub but I'm really not and stuff can go south quickly.



I think that Pink and I just need to talk about what's going on. It sounded like he was implying that things won't happen with us officially until after I visit and meet him, Mommy, and Nicole face to face. I can't handle that and I don't think I should be expected to seeing how far away my visit is. Yes, things will change drastically when we meet, but I believe having a solid long distance relationship first will make the transition a lot easier. I have trouble around men. Depending on various factors, they either scare me or make me uncomfortable until I've spent some time with them. For me, already knowing his voice, knowing his smile, and various other details will help tremendously. He doesn't have experience in long distance while I have plenty, just not the actual meeting part. I am willing to be patient but not that patient. If he brings it up, we'll discuss it like adults. I do understand some of his reservations.

Mommy is sick. :( We haven't talked much.

Nicole did amazingly wonderful on all of her exams and I am so proud of her!

Buddy was sick but is finally starting to feel better. Yay!
 
I am so tired of being patient. I am tired of feeling like I've been put last, of when Mommy says she'll do something and then doesn't, of Mommy and Nicole spending tons of time with Pink, of Traditional always being around, of things/people always getting in the way of my time with Pink, Mommy, and Nicole, and so many other things.

At the moment, I am half regressed and tired. I spent the first part of today helping to decorate where my grandparents attend religious services then we all went out to eat. I talked to Mommy briefly when I got home but then she fell asleep and said she would message me when she woke up (which she didn't and I only found out when Pink sent me a picture of all of them together). I have said a total of maybe ten words to Pink because he's been busy. We're supposed to talk about big stuff. I understand that all of them are busy but being forgotten hurts and it triggers my regression.

I'm very attempted to just go to bed and deal with everything tomorrow but I'll cry myself to sleep and struggle tomorrow. Being a regressive Little is a pain.
 
I called Mommy out for lying. She tried to give me excuses, all of which I promptly shut down. I told her that the fact she tries to get away with giving the excuses makes me think she thinks I'm stupid enough to fall for them. I'm Little, not stupid, and she knows that. I also reminded her that this was the second or third time she's tried giving me a stupid excuse and I have forgiven but not forgotten. I already know when she makes promises to me, there's a 50/50 chance she'll break them, although usually it's something important. In her defense, she does have a crapload of health problems (fibromyalgia, PTSD, arthritis, bad vision, etc). Her phone also hates her and she's sending it in to get repaired this week so she'll be relying on her iPad.

I am tough on Mommy. I have no problem telling her she screwed up and she hurt me. I can't let her health problems excuse everything because then she would never admit that it was her who screwed up.

I don't know how to get through to her. We talk problems out, I forgive her, then something similar happens again. Do I go above her head to her Domme and explain what's going on? Do I talk to Nicole and see if she has a solution? My choices are limited living 2,700 miles away.

I love my Mommy. She is a wonderful human being who is there for me no matter what. I am secure in my relationship with her and know she appreciates me being direct.

I kinda threw a temper tantrum today. Whenever I talk to Pink or Mommy, there is someone around 95% of the time. Today, I finally got a message back from Traditional. She mentioned Pink being her master and how she enjoyed listening to story time between he and I. My thoughts? One: Thank you for reminding me that he is yours and I'm in limbo. I feel like it was an intentional jab to hurt me and remind me of my place. Two: Story time is not for you, b-word. You get him 50% of the time and 40 to 45% goes to his job, ex wife, kids, hanging out with friends, spending time with his dad, and running kink events. I get 10% on a really good day, 5% or less on a day where he's really busy. You can let me have my fifteen to thirty minutes with him every day/every few days.
I didn't say anything to her--I'm going to let the message sit until I know what to say--and I'm not going to tell him because he's not going to let her affect our relationship and neither will I. The temper tantrum was internal.

I don't think asking Mommy or Pink to talk without Nicole or Traditional around is unreasonable. Relationships need that individual time, especially long distance ones and especially since I'll be back to little privacy once I head home in a few days.

Part of the problem is that I don't know my rights in this limbo state with Pink and I don't know what is reasonable or unreasonable to get upset about. Having various headspaces that react differently doesn't help anything. We're supposed to talk about the big stuff like that but something always gets in the way and my patience is getting low because I don't want it to turn into a month of never getting around to it. This affects my mental health and 80% of me struggling would lessen.

My relationship with Nicole? It's damaged. She ignored a question I asked earlier. There is a reason why I hate using Kik. I only use it with her because my iPod doesn't like to send or receive pictures using the texting app with certain phones, I guess. We reached our one month anniversary yesterday. I'm not sure how to fix our relationship and I'm not entirely sure what's wrong in the first place.

Buddy is the only one I'm genuinely okay with and we're still in limbo.

Mommy and Nicole's birthday and Christmas presents are packed and in a box to send. Nicole's birthday is before Christmas and Mommy's is after. Each gift is labeled M or S for Mommy or Sissy and also labeled Birthday or Christmas. I have no idea what to write in the cards.

I feel like I get the short end of the stick a lot. I have to be the understanding one, the one who is patient, the one who shouldn't complain about change, the one who depends on devices to contact them, the one who is single to the vanilla world, etc. It gets old and it hurts.
 
Feeling second sucks. And broken trust is tough to deal with. I feel the same way about my Master a lot. In fact, called him out today on things he's promised me and then fails to fulfill. You can't "get through to someone". They are going to be who they are, the question is is how much chance do you give someone before you call it quits or make some changes? I don't know the answer to that, as I'm still struggling with this myself. My Master on the other hand has made a big effort to fulfill his promises, especially as of late. He still does things that...well, I don't want to get too personal on this.

Anyway the point of all this is I know how frustrating all that must be. Wish I had advice for you, but just know you aren't alone in those struggles, and despite what many people might think, it's not as black and white to deal with as it might seem.

I wish you luck.
 
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