Just asked my husband and he is freaking out

N

newandlost

New member
I just proposed to my husband to have a open marriage. We have been together 22 years. He is a very level headed man, not jelous at all and we have a good relationship, but he is freaking out and I am concerned. How was it when you proposed this idea to your partners? Any good stories to help make my mind at ease?
 
Hi, welcome to polyamory.com.

We call this "dropping the poly bomb." It can come as a shock.

It would help to have more details. Here are a few questions:

Do you want polyamory, or just an open marriage, for casual sex (such as a swinging arrangement)?
Do you have a person in mind that you are interested in dating?
How did you broach the subject with hubs? Were you dropping any hints, reading books, mentioning a show or video you saw on the subject, or someone you knew that was in an open relationship/swinging/polyamorous, or just did you just spring it on him with completely no warming?
 
Magdlyn said:
Hi, welcome to polyamory.com.

We call this "dropping the poly bomb." It can come as a shock.

It would help to have more details. Here are a few questions:

Do you want polyamory, or just an open marriage, for casual sex (such as a swinging arrangement)?
Do you have a person in mind that you are interested in dating?
How did you broach the subject with hubs? Were you dropping any hints, reading books, mentioning a show or video you saw on the subject, or someone you knew that was in an open relationship/swinging/polyamorous, or just did you just spring it on him with completely no warming?
Click to expand...
Thank you for answering. Here are some important facts. My husband and I don't have a sexual relationship and haven't in 11 years. His choice. In the beginning I tried to talk to understand what was wrong, had him go to a doctor, got mad at times, felt it was my fault. Until I realized it was just who he was. We have 3 children, but honestly, we were just very efficient. I have been married 16 years, and honestly I think we had sex about 10 times in that period.

At some point, I just decided I could not be the kind of person who forces something like that. He has no sexual interest in me (or anyone, from what I can tell), has never been jealous at all. Really does not look at me like that at all. So I just thought he would not care much.

Then, of course, it took me years to work up the courage to talk to him. I did not talk much about it, honestly, because talking to him about anything sexual feels like talking to my father about it. I wrote him a text. Told him I love him and my family will always be a priority and I would never consider leaving him, but I missed intimacy.

I am not interested in casual sex. I want a relationship, but not someone to come into our lives. Someone I could meet on the side and be friends with too. I don't want to involve my family, my children. He is now freaking out, saying his parents were divorced and he doesn't want to do that to our children. I don't either!
 
There's nothing severely wrong with him, I think. Your husband is asexual. Perfectly normal on the sexuality spectrum.

I'm afraid you do need to open up the discussion more if you want to have an open relationship or do polyamory, and do some more research on how to navigate. I'd suggest to read the books Opening Up and Polysecure.

You could have a parallel V relationship where you have a separate relationship with your family and a future partner. Or a DADT (Don't Ask, Don't Tell) dynamic, where your husband will not know about it. But that is usually frowned upon in polyamory and connections will usually lack depth and longevity.
 
It's quite understandable. Him being asexual doesn't make him immune to the fear of losing you. Doesn't he love you? Plus, you have a life together that could be disrupted.
You will have to talk way more slowly, carefully and in depth about what polyamory could look like for you.
You can read up various resources and tell him about this forum, as well.
 
Sounds like a lot of fear of what could go wrong. The bomb is dropped, but nothing has changed and now you both can take all the time you need to discuss your wants and needs and figure out a solution that everyone can be comfortable with! Fight fear with information and communication.

His fear of losing you is so normal. Non-monogamy is a big shift in worldview and can take some time to understand. There’s nothing wrong with him and nothing driving you away, you just want a complete life and there’s nothing wrong with that either. This community is full of success stories of people solving this exact issue! You’ve come to the right place.
 
Thanks for providing more details. I guess when you dated and married him, you were in love and thought the lack of sex wouldn't bother you. But now you've finally admitted to yourself and your husband that it really does seem like a missing piece.

I honestly don't fully understand how any partner who isn't interested in sex (with anyone or) with a partner who has a more average in interest in sex could in good conscience object to that person seeking sex elsewhere. It just doesn't seem like a loving act. People with average or higher than average libidos feel a lack of sex as an actual physical pain, not to mention there is an emotional component that sex provides.

I have a high libido now, but when I was knee deep in raising 3 small children, my drive was at an all-time low. I felt bad for my husband as far as sex went. But on the other hand, he went out to a desk job all day, and wasn't breastfeeding. I mean, I thought he had it easier than me, since I was a SAHM. He got to be around adults all day and have lunches out, and normal conversations, while I was just fully touched out by bedtime; I'd been on high alert all day, go go go, and needed sleep and nothing else. When he admitted years later that he'd secretly stopped at a local club for a lap dance now and then in that period, I wasn't even mad. It was one less thing I needed to "take care of." Anyway...

It's easy to say to the partner with the sex drive, "Well, honey, just masturbate," but sex with a partner is just so different than going solo. It's fine to masturbate to augment regular sex with a partner, nothing wrong with a little self love, but if you have a partner, whom you do desire, and they are out of reach that way, it can feel so lonely and isolating, and make you go a little crazy.

That said, I agree that getting to the point of him consenting for you to seek intimacy elsewhere is going to take time, effort, reassurance and patience on both sides, if you want to stay together. Besides the two books recommended, we have a whole slew of more reading resources, and a podcast, here:

 
Hello newandlost,

Your husband probably will calm down somewhat after a while, although at some point he is going to have to confront his deep-seated reservations, and hopefully talk to you about them in a very sincere way and without passing judgments. He may have questions for you, that you could answer and set his mind at ease. But for the moment I think he is letting society's disapproval throw him into a panic. He has been taught that "monogamy is the only way," and that anything nonmonogamous is a disaster. Most of us were raised with that kind of indoctrination, it isn't easy to move past it.

Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 
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