Just LR

Feeling Happy

Today I got a letter from the one and only woman I've ever fallen in love with (not to be confused with women I have dated).
She has been "anti-friendship" with me for nigh on 16 years now, due to a choice I made that was devastating for her then.
I have never given up on the POSSIBILITY of having my friend back. She was one of my best friends and I've made no secret of the fact that I miss her.
This letter is the first that addresses the possibility of rebuilding a friendship. She expresses what her "speed bumps" are and ends with specifying that she doesn't see them as road blocks per se, but that they are speed bumps to address.
:)
 
LR, I adore you, but your life makes me want to take a nap! I have been catching up, and I finally had a minute to comment.

GG blew off your date night and apologised the next day. Hmm. I would have addressed it that night, but he did apologise. Shit happens. I am happy to read that you two are working through your troubles. Remember that trouble will not last always. Sending positive vibes.

I hope everything works out with Spicy and her husband. I probably missed it, but sweet heavens, why are her dad and stepmum living with them? How long are they supposed to be there? That situation sounds tense. Kudos to him for acknowledging and admitting that he is struggling with depression. It is nothing to play with, and I hope he gets the help he needs.

Sweet Pea sounds like a lovely and wise boy. Two weeks IS forever in teenage years.

What a positive end to January. I hope you and your friend can work it out in due time. She probably missed you, too. Afterall, she reached out. :)

It has been a most unusual month for everyone I have encountered. Here is to February being better and smoother for everyone.
 
Blowing off our date was primarily an issue, because it's been happening for almost a year now. He did apologize, I did accept the apology, but I am still holding him accountable to make his actions the way he sends the message regarding relationship. I'm not going to make "dating" or "sex" a priority with him when he can't even make seeing me for 20 minutes a priority.

That said, he has made some significant strides. He asked me about a weekday evening "dinner" date and I gave him Thursdays as the preferable day in light of the convoluted schedules we are trying to coordinate (that evening I finish class at 5:15, Maca is home with the kids and I don't have to rush home). We've met at the library (I still have study and homework to get through, but he loves the library). We curl up together and read through my Psych paperwork together. That's been nice.
He told the boss-no. He won't work before 1pm except for Thursdays (office meeting day) when he goes in at 11am. He says he is looking for another job. He really wasn't "getting" it, until he read a letter my ex-girlfriend sent (she was OUR friend "back in the day). It triggered him and he got a picture of what it feels like to be "unwanted" and "superfluous". He realized that he wasn't doing what HE feels he should be in a relationship-he got lazy. It happens.
*I still think that a year of "lazy" while the other person is actively asking, demanding etc a change is eyebrow raising. *

Spicy's other parents lost their jobs in Alabama due to layoffs. That led to them losing their home and cars etc. They moved back here (where they have her/grandsons and his parents) but have to find work. Quite the tense situation there. I can't imagine.
The husband is doing much better. :) He needed some support, he needed some direction for how to manage what needed managed, but thankfully-he also WANTED it. :) Spicy just stopped breastfeeding so she could go back on her medication which will hopefully help her too.

Sweet Pea is awesome. :) He's a great kid. I most especially love how he SHOWS the way to accept people. He just "gets it". :)

Sweet Pea and Sour Pea had a piano recital last Friday. It was a BLAST! So proud of both of them!!
Saturday was Sweet Pea's 14th bday! OMG! I'm getting old. :)
We had a lot of fun for that too.

Maca had an MRI Monday. Now he is waiting for the appointment with the specialist to find out what is next in dealing with his neck. One little step at a time.
 
Valentine's was drama-free. It was relaxed and nice. GG came home from work for a dinner with the family. Maca got some nice steaks and made shrimp kabobs to go with them. The kids were thrilled to enjoy "valentine's day dinner" with the adults. It was all pretty cool actually.
We made cards for the special people outside of the household as a family. Sour Pea HAD A BLAST with the glitter (go figure) lol. A family friend sent chocolates and caramel covered apples and chocolate covered strawberries for everyone. :)
We've all been sick for a week (upper respiratory virus we got from the grandkids). So we've been lazing around the house, sleeping a lot and watching movies.

For Valentine's Day Sweet Pea and I curled up on the couch and watched a sappy 80's chick flick. Too sweet and too funny that kid is!
 
Kodiak

Lots of change.

We found out on March 6th that Maca's job needs him to go back to Kodiak (May-Dec). He told them point blank, the only way he would do that is if they paid for an apartment for the family and transportation costs to go down and return (once) (including dog). They agreed.

SO-we catch the ferry May 21st. None of us (including him) is THRILLED. But-

GG made the decision to give up his position with the school district and accept a day shift (wtf?) for 1/2 the pay (wtf) with the district (vs leaving the district altogether). He has some weird loyalty to them-even though they treat him like crap and he thinks that they suck to the point he adamantly flips his lid considering the kids going to school there...

With that choice of GG's we can't cover expenses unless Maca is working full time. In Kodiak he will be working 50 hours a week, but not be an hour away (like he is here). So he won't be gone MORE, he will be gone the same amount of time a week, but get paid for an extra 10 hours a week. All over time pay.

THEN-GG mouthed off "well if you guys are going to be gone anyway, maybe I will just keep my job". I checked out of the conversation at that point. I am so done with his loyalty to a job that treats him like pissed in dirt, that I can't even talk about it coherently.

In the meantime, Sweet Pea will be going back and forth, because he's old enough to travel without an adult. Sour Pea and I are going to Disneyland with a friend over the summer.


I'm not excited about Kodiak. I am just focusing on continuing to do my classes and work towards finishing my bachelors so I can apply to graduate schools.

Nothing is happening with GG and I. We met a few times for a weekly date, but he's still off in his own little world and I can't break through. I don't see that resolving itself with me gone. I see it getting worse. By the time I am here again, it will have been 2 years of disconnect...
 
Hugs, LR... I'm sorry things aren't going well with GG, and moves (even temporary ones) aren't all that great either. More time with Maca will be good, though... and finishing up that schoolwork even better. Hang in there...
 
I'm cheering for you. I'm so sorry for what you're dealing with, but I sincerely hope it works out for you.
 
I do believe that over time; everything works out. At least assuming that you are willing to accept that your "preferred outcome" may not be the one you get.

It's a struggle some days more than others.
But over all, I have no regrets.

Just learning and watching and moving along.
 
SO EXCITED!
I did the "mini training" required by the school to "do research on human subjects" yesterday.

Today I was talking to a prof (who happens to be VERY conservative and totally unaware of alternative lifestyles) and he said he would be willing to be my "official name supervisor" so that I can do my research on a larger scale (outside of classmates, family and close friends)
AND
that he will contact the professor in NY who he got his phd from, because that person is an lgbt activitst-and ask him to oversee and help with design and what not so everything is legit AND I will have another person as a recommendation for grad school!!

I AM SO THRILLED!

Totally not expected from this particular professor. But he was impressed with my papers (regarding poly) this semester and thinks I have a good topic and that it is a "new topic for research" and he's supportive!

:)
 
Very, very cool! A clink of the glass to you (and to the prof)! :D
 
Awesome! You've obvioussly done a great job. Kudos to you!
 
Anniversary

Tomorrow will be 21 years for GG and I. we have rotated through a variety of roles with each other. Some repeatedly. Friends, best friends, fwb, lovers, a couple, coparents, roommates...
I don't know exactly what label fits right now.
A couple, yes.
Lovers, no.
Friends, always.
Roommates, yes.
Coparents, yes.

But certainly there is room for improvement. We have been so disconnected this last year it leaves those who know us personally somewhat breathless with shock.
Still; there is love and a shared history. There are still children to raise and bills to pay.
But with all that binds our lives together, we are like kites that may be tied to the same post and yet are being drive. By different winds. Winds that seem to be maniacally pulling and twisting, no longer in unison and yet not always apart, sometimes slamming into one another unexpectedly and then just as suddenly blown so far apart we are practically invisible to each other.

At any rate; 21 years of weathering such storms is worth acknowledgement.
 
Read in a fb conversation; "non-monogamy is always an affair even if everyone agrees to it ans it always has negative and hurtful consequences...non-monogamy has been a basic wrong since the beginning of time regardless of personal beliefs or religions etc...this is my experience over 30 years of life..."

Um... OKAY so you haven't met anyone who is capable of honest and forthright responsible non-monogamy.
BUT you also evidently live a VERY sheltered life if you aren't aware that monogamy as you know it hasn't been around more than what? 100 years at the most?
Cause men having sex outside of marriage wasnt always considered adultry.... Oh wait-and it wasn't always rape if they fucked a woman who wasnt interested either.
Oh and wait a minute-how much of the world still practices polygamy?
Good gried did u take any history?
I learned more in Sunday school than to believe monogamy BETWEEN SPOUSES has been a "social expectation" or norm throughout history.

Eye roll.

(I did not vent this on them. I did respond with a few choice remarks. But nothing rude)
 
There is simply too much anthropology to prove him incorrect.. definitely not worth taking seriously..

Sweeping generalizations about the history of humanity are as moronic as sweeping generalizations about humanity today.
 
Catching up with your blog, LR. I didn't realize the disconnect with GG has been going on for so long. 2 years!?

When you listed the different shapes your relationship has taken, did you purposely leave out the D/s aspect? Has his job become his new Domme? The job that treats him like "pissed in dirt?" Does he enjoy humiliation?

Congrats on the college paper and grad school research plans. That is really great!
 
Mag-that is a concept I honestly hadn't even considered but damn-it sure fits...
I didn't intentionally leave it out of my list. I honestly didn't bother to put it in because after so long of him distancing himself, I have to really make an effort to think of what there was/is.

It was odd going out for our "anniversary" and running errands. It was nice to spend the day together. It's been so fucking long since we did that it's not funny. But-it was awkward too. After literally more than a year... I didn't know what to say.
He brought up work to tell me that next week he's going to start going in 2 hours earlier 3 days a week. Not a "change in hours", another addition to the number of hours he's working. I didn't comment.

He's devastated that I'm going to Kodiak with Maca. But he can't see that there isn't anything HERE to stay behind for. Even as a friend, I never see him or spend time with him. He's busy with work.

My sister has already booked her trip to come to Kodiak for Sour Pea's birthday this summer (over a weekend). GG hasn't.
I invited him to go to California with Sour Pea and I in August. He hasn't arranged that either-in fact, he told me he doesn't know if he can take the time off of work.

Maca is agog. He's being decently nice about everything. But he's stunned and somewhat offended, after all the battle I put in for GG-GG seems to just be wandering off to the beck and call of the siren call of his job. Which he professes to hate...
It's all baffling.

I let go of the D/s. I can't be part of that with someone who isn't maintaining the basic intimacy of a friendship with me.
We don't fight. We aren't at war. It's peaceful in a creepy sort of way. But I feel the loss in a surreal way. It's a gut wrenching and heartbreaking calm. I imagine something like the feeling one gets before or after a storm.

I don't know.

I just keep focusing on school, kids and me. Trying to let him be who he needs to be.
 
I know Ari. I was just eye rolling. I had to just shut off the computer and walk away because the amount of time it would have taken to pull the links and then post them, would have been time that could be better used. :)
 
Finished the semester. 2 A's and 1 B. :) Not complaining. Less than 3 weeks until the move to Kodiak. SO MUCH TO DO.

Nothing significant has changed in the household (yet) but a lot of changes are coming fast.

My sister is moving in (little sister, she's 20), she's renting a room while she continues in college, our mom is moving to Missouri to take care of our grandparents.

Maca, me and Sour Pea are going to Kodiak for 7 months. Sweet Pea is staying here (part of the time) driving to Missouri with my mom (as her copilot), taking a two week trip to Brazil with my in-laws... busy kid.

Spicy Pea is probably getting her nephew (husband's sisters new baby), who was born Saturday-on meth. :( The state took custody of the baby Saturday afternoon, the paperwork is started for him to be turned over to Spicy. Not sure how long that will take.

Little P (her oldest son) is potty trained! YAY and he's coming to visit Grammy in Kodiak for a month later in the summer. SO EXCITING! He loves camping and riding the 4 wheelers with Papa, and we will be doing A LOT of that.

Coconut (the youngest son) took his first steps last week. :) The next day they came over and he walked to Grammy giggling the whole way across our living room! I'm going to miss him. When they went home, I bawled my eyes out realizing I won't see him for SO DAMN LONG. Sigh.

GG.. I don't know. I'm too tired to even think about it right now.

Friday I start my 3 day ABATE class for getting my motorcycle license. :) Excited about that.

Last Saturday, Sweet Pea had his first prom. He asked me to go as his date (so I did). He was so amazing. We had a blast! His best friend went along too. They have been taking ballroom dance classes together. They kept me on my toes all night! We did the cha-cha, the hustle and the salsa. It was so much more fun than when I went to prom in high school! LOL!
Awesome boys, so proud of them! (but I need to practice cause my whole body is sore!)
 
Made it safely past the wildfire Wednesday (Soldotna Alaska) to Homer, Alaska to catch the ferry to Kodiak.
Still no internet (cell phone only). But we got the apartment, mattresses, scrounged up dishes, a bunkbed and some wire spools for tables.
Today we took the kids fishing.
I got to facetime the grandkids and my daughter. That was nice.

Little worried about split pea. He lives with his uncle very close to the fire. But he has been good about keeping me up to date.
 
Those fires can be scary! My kid had to be evacuated once while working staff at a scout camp. A kid we consider a nephew had to be evacuated as a scout camper 3 years in a row and one year had to leave all his stuff in in a bathroom (the campsites had cinder block open air bathrooms, so that's where all the non-essential gear got stuffed) and a few items came home a bit melted, but not burned. Just a matter of time before we are breathing smoke soon, we have already had 4 fires within 200 miles of us this month.
 
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