PolyinPractice
New member
I thought this was going to be the time we start planning our future together, and this took me completely by surprise.
Shouldn't you have planned a future BEFORE getting married?
I thought this was going to be the time we start planning our future together, and this took me completely by surprise.
sparklepop said:especially in this situation, transitioning from curiosity to a definite want to be with the person/practice poly isn't necessarily the reason for deciding to go ahead and 'sleep together' (forgive me, Mags?... ~grins~). For instance, when I first slept with the woman I told you about earlier...
But you know, all of these lovely thoughts on peace and true awareness soon disappear when I come home to an empty house. Then I just feel like a selfish, crying, jealous little baby who doesn’t know what to do with himself.
A major question I’ve been asking myself lately…”is anything really what we signed up for?”
I would also recommend that you ask her to stop seeing her gal for a month while you two talk about it and get a better idea of what you both want in your marriage and from her new partner. If she can not give you that, you may already have your answer.
A followup question being *when* are things going to change, not *if* they are going to change.
People do change over time and certainly as relationships continue down a timeline the odds that some big changes are going to come up increase. I was married for a couple of years when I decided that monogamy was not for me, which was a big shock to my wife at the time. These things happen so the fact that you're finding out now instead of a couple of years down the road isn't really better or worse imo. This thing is happening; reality is upon you and now you have to go through what I imagine is going to be a rather tough emotional growth period (one way or the other).
This is a very common piece of advice given in these circles (you can set your watch by it, really), but I recommend taking a different approach. This thing is happening, right now, and telling Wife "stop seeing her until I feel cool with the situation" seems like a great way to apply pressure where there previously had been none.
In my opinion you are going the right way in pointing your attention to your own expectations and emotions; that is where the real growth is going to happen. You *could* take the track of insisting that your wife sacrifice in service to your emotional difficulties but in my opinion that is simply denying the reality of the situation and building a foundation of resentment into your relationship.
Currently she has told you about what is happening and has kept you in the loop with what is going on. I suggest continuing down this road, keeping the lines of communication open, keeping a close eye on your temper, and staying focused on your emotional growth and well-being. Her actions are her actions and trying to reign her in like she's your employee isn't going to help you grow through this and it is NOT going to curb her interest in her lover. The idea that she should take action to protect you from having an emotional challenge is hiding from reality... instead focus on the actual reality of the situation and either learn to work within it or made whatever adjustments to your arrangement are needed (take a break, live in different residences, end the association, whatever is needed).
I can’t really fault her because we never had a serious talk about our values before we married (at least about monogamy/polyamory).
You made some assumptions whilst in the throes of NRE and have discovered that they don't match with reality. Very human.
I applaud your willingness to try and sort the situation out, rather than simply throwing in the towel and storming out. I'm wondering, what would it take for you two to sit down, now, and have that serious talk about values?
I know it can be difficult to do this when drama is in the air, but maybe you could find a trusted third party to help you keep the conversation on topic?
Finding out what your shared (or not-so-shared) values and norms are is pretty crucial to coming to any kind of agreements that would have any hope of lasting.
In these cases, I personally think that the partner who has a value or expectation outside the standard norm has the obligation to bring it up.
It is important that people know those sorts of things long before any feelings of attachment develop.
Sounds like an excellent self-awareness.
The problem is, as Dr. Helen Fisher so eloquently puts it, that falling in love is a 'bio-chemically induced state of temporary insanity' that makes it hard to have these sort of rational discussions.
Add some societal / cultural pressure to the equation and you've got a recipe for lots of assumptions and precious little clear communication.
<devil's advocate>
Would anybody, ever, get together if they had such clear communication? I wonder sometimes...
</devil's advocate>