Just need a shoulder, a ear, SOME HELP!

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry to hear you had very hard times in the past.

So YES i don't want j to have a child before i even get my chance to try.

Would you care if she had them with someone else? Or is it her want for M to be the dad that bugs you? Cuz she can want stuff. But **M** is the one in charge of where each and every one of his sperm goes. Just cuz she wants it doesn't mean he agrees.

M has sat up with me all night every time i wake up from reliving that terrible he holds me and tells me its gonna be okay every time one my friends has a baby or i see someone have one on TV. He has stayed by my side for 4 years knowing i may never give him the child he wants!

So he values being with you more than he values being a father. Is that what you are saying?

So yes i believe we deserve first chance to try for a child. But J says that isnt fair to her...

What does M actually say he wants? I haven't read that in your thread yet.

• If M doesn't want to have a child with her? She might be disappointed. But how is that being unfair to J? Everyone can have their preference for whether or not they want kids at all, when to have them, with who to have them. You cannot force a man to make babies on demand. He is in charge of his sperm and where they go. Just like she's in charge of her eggs and where they go.

• If M doesn't want to have a child with you? Or wants to have one with her first? If that is his preference? Same thing. I get where it would be disappointing for you. But cannot make the man make babies on demand. Or be all "I have dibs on his sperm!" He decides where his sperm goes. You decide where your eggs go.

I suggest you all put cards on the table PLAIN.

What you are and are not up for. See what lines up and what does not.

Best you all find that out sooner rather than later.

And if it turns out that M wants to have kids with her first and that's a deal breaker for you? Break the deal. Bow out of the polyship and the marriage.

I cannot imagine any of this is easy to feel. But the actions seem straightforward -- talk this out.

If J keeps having a cow just to avoid having honest conversation?

I cannot see where trying to participate in a polyship with a person like that would lead to anything but more frustration. I guess you would mostly likely NOT want to be dealing with that in a coparenting situation. Every little thing having to be a BIG DRAMA.

If things do not line up with these partners? You could stop being a triad, and be a VERY separate V. Let M deal with his GF J over THERE and then you don't have to deal with it any more over HERE.

Or bow out of the whole polyship. Or even the marriage. Depends on how the chips fall. But get it SORTED. Speak your truth.

If you and M have an agreement about genetic monogamy - like you will do poly but don't want to have children with anyone but each other? Learn to tell people this ahead of time. Some may be fine with that, others might not.

And maybe have an agreement about not cohabitating with more partners. At least not this fast.

Galagirl

 

[kinkylove97]

Apologies

"Don't get me wrong i want to have children with her and i can see myself growing old with them but M and I have been together almost 4 years and married for 1 and I kinda want us to try for children before them as i feel its more appropriate,fair,deserved?"

In my original post i meant to put 1 month.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi kinkylove,
Thanks for making that correction, that makes more sense.

I did not realize you had been through so much WRT sex and fertility. No wonder you want to try for a baby before J does! As for J, she probably figures, "Well, I did not cause all of that, so, why should I be penalized?" Complicated situation. Plus the fact that you have been with M longer. Is there any way you can have that implant removed right away?

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[PinkPig]

I am sorry you went through so much. I can certainly see why you want to have a child with M before J & M have a child. The question is, what does M want? Does he want to have a child with J? If he does, is he willing to wait until you & he have tried or does he want to try with her first? Because ultimately, as Galagirl has said, it's M's choice who he has children with and when. I know that feels painful and unfair to you, but ultimately, it is what it is.

If I were in your shoes, I'd probably speak privately with M first to see where he stands on the issue.

 

[Tinwen]

I can't imagine why he would want to make babies with her after some nine months of dating. Or she with him, for that matter. Just saying.

 

[breathemusic]

I can't imagine why he would want to make babies with her after some nine months of dating. Or she with him, for that matter. Just saying.

THIS! Having kids with someone that you've been dating for less than a year is ridiculous. You are still at a point of figuring out if the relationship has long term potential at that point. There is absolutely NO REASON that he should even be considering having kids with her at this point. And it doesn't even need to have anything to do with who deserves to have kids first!