Just need some advice

A

Amarie

New member
Hello all,
This is my first time ever posting on a forum so please forgive me if botch this. I am 28 years old and not sure what I would consider myself. My boyfriend and I have been in a very commited relationship for about a year and a half. He is a very sexual creature who is afraid to settle for sleeping with one woman his whole life. I on the other hand am very content just being him and I. I have been thinking about opening up our relationship on his end to make him feel less trapped. We don't fight about anything, we have pretty close to a perfect relationship. But I feel he would be happier if he were allowed to be out there. I just need advice.
 
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Hi and wellcome!
I am 28 years old and not sure what I would consider myself.
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You mean poly or mono?
Don't worry about it too much, it's not a binary question. Much more like a scale... wait, at least two scales... monoromantic-polyromantic, monosexual-polysexual, and then you get all these other dimensions play in.
Just don't worry about the label.
My boyfriend and I have been in a very commited relationship for about a year and a half. He is a very sexual creature who is afraid to settle for sleeping with one woman his whole life. I on the other hand am very content just being him and I. I have been thinking about opening up our relationship on his end to make him feel less trapped. We don't fight about anything, we have pretty close to a perfect relationship. But I feel he would be happier if he were allowed to be out there. I just need advice.
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I can see where you are coming from.
I think you could start by just listening. Let him talk about his desires and fantasies and watch your reaction.
Sometimes, just being listened to and accepted, and not having to bottle up crushes or desires though not acting on them already helps a person not to feel trapped.
Also, you could find that 'hey this is ok, I don't have any hard feelings about...' (e.g. going to a swingers club and just watching and having a nice relaxing chat with others in a hot whirpool) vs. 'no, I will absolutely not...' (e.g. share him with another romantic partner). You could then slowly try or let him have the things you are absolutely or mostly comfortable with.
I personally recommend tantric seminars or some other event where touch (not sex right away) with different partners is encouraged. Maybe you'll find out that in such a setting you're not jealous and find some pleasure in non-monogamy for yourself.
I would not recommend a full opening unless you get somehow sure that's also what you want. It doesn't sound like your bf is necessarily pressing for poly. He's just got doubts about the couple-ness. So go interact with other people just a bit if that's what he wants and you're comfortable to try (while not messing with these other peoples' lives and feelings), but stay true to your preference of just the two of you being 'in a relationship' for now.
 
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I believe that I would be okay with him having sex with another person. But I know I would not be okay with him getting emotionally involved with another woman. I also don't think i want to know they even exist in his world. We already spend most of our time apart as I work an hour away so only spend a few nights a week with usually Saturday through Tuesday l then he has the rest of the week to himself. So more like dont ask don"t tell.
 
Welcome.

I am concerned. "The relationship is perfect except for this one thing..." might be a pretty big thing. :(

He is a very sexual creature who is afraid to settle for sleeping with one woman his whole life. I on the other hand am very content just being him and I. I have been thinking about opening up our relationship on his end to make him feel less trapped.
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You seem happy in a 1:1 relationship. He's not asking for changes in your story. So why would you change what makes you happy?

If he feels trapped, why did he agree to commit? Does he tell you he feels trapped? Or are you assuming he feels that way?

Are you thinking of changing relationship models from 1:1 to Open in order to prevent/avoid a break up?

We already spend most of our time apart as I work an hour away so only spend a few nights a week with usually Saturday through Tuesday l then he has the rest of the week to himself. So more like dont ask don"t tell.
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If you spend a lot of your time apart, and only see each other one weekends... this is how your ideal relationship plays out? Half the time apart? Is this a permanent situation? Are there plans to change it in future?

I believe that I would be okay with him having sex with another person. But I know I would not be okay with him getting emotionally involved with another woman.
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How would sharing sex NOT lead to emotions? How do you think this would be prevented? If emotions do happen... what's the plan then?

I'm not asking these things to be mean. And you don't have to answer them here. I suggest that you think about them as you do some soul searching though. Ask yourself the hard questions.

Ultimately only you know what you are and are not up for. Hopefully they help you figure that out.

I'm just concerned you might be bending yourself into pretzels trying to keep a thing going where there might be fundamental incompatibilities. :(

Galagirl
 
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Greetings Amarie,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

It sounds like the best thing for the two of you is a DADT relationship, open on one side (his). You do need to take precautions against emotional involvement. Such as not having sex with the same person more than once or twice.

If you'll keep us updated on your evolving situation, we can give you updated advice. I hope we'll be of help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
It sounds like you have confirmation that he wants open. Your next step is discussing rules/agreements about how the open will come about.
 
I don't mind if you set some rules, although others may prefer that you call them agreements. The point is, you determine what would cause you particular discomfort, then set a rule around that. For example, "Don't get emotionally involved with another woman." And to that end, "Don't have sex with the same woman more than once or twice." Of course, you are then trusting your boyfriend to abide by the rules. If he breaks the rules, you have to decide what you'll do about that.

With time and experience, you may realize that you need to add a few rules. Or, subtract a few rules, if you find they're not necessary. Keep the channels of communication open, and renegotiate from time to time. You may eventually find that you don't need any rules. But rules are often needed in the early part of an open relationship.

Hopefully that helps.
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
Amarie --

I'm still not hearing that you want to be doing this. Do you? Before you go making rules/agreements ... are you thinking about doing open or poly because you love the idea of doing that? Could you please be willing to reassure me that you are not bending yourself into pretzels here?

If you are going into this joyously... One place to start would be to read. Here are some links.

http://www.practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

https://www.morethantwo.com/

Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
Amarie --

I'm still not hearing that you want to be doing this. Do you? Before you go making rules/agreements ... are you thinking about doing open or poly because you love the idea of doing that? Could you please be willing to reassure me that you are not bending yourself into pretzels here?

1. Thank you for the links!
2. I do not do anything just because someone else wants me to. I am a very strong independent human and I do not sway my opinions based on others opinions. Would I have thought about this on my own free will? Probably not if I hadn't been getting the vibes from my partner. Will I greatly think about this option before I just go jumping in?? You bet!! That's how I ended up on here. I was looking at articles, blogs, books, everything before I even talked to him, so I could get a better understanding of what it was before just shooting it down because it sounds scary I even ordered 2 books on amazon today. Do I love my partner? Unconditionally. Do I want to lose him? Who ever wants to lose someone they are connected to on both a physical and emotional level. Would I do anything for him? Yes, yet again who wouldn't? Am I doing this is as a last ditch attempt at keeping him around? Definitely not. If it's not meant to be its just not meant to be.
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Thank you for the reassurance. I am glad to hear you are reading and preparing and not going into this blind.

Do I love my partner? Unconditionally. Do I want to lose him? Who ever wants to lose someone they are connected to on both a physical and emotional level. Would I do anything for him? Yes, yet again who wouldn't?
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I wouldn't. I love my husband a whole lot. I do not love him unconditionally. There are deal breakers. If he started hurting me or the kids? I would leave him. With sadness, but I'd leave all the same.

If he wanted me to hit the kids for him? I would not do it. So no. I would not do anything for him.

Part of thinking this out is naming your limits and deal breakers. You could go into it knowing what you will and will not put up with.

I assume that if BF cheated on the poly agreements that would be a problem for you. What are your other deal breakers? You don't have to list them here. I just think you could think them out.

What I am saying is... do not go into this "unconditionally." Having deal breakers is NOT a bad thing. They help keep you safe from harm.

Am I doing this is as a last ditch attempt at keeping him around? Definitely not. If it's not meant to be its just not meant to be.
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Glad you know that. I am glad to hear you that if things are not meant to be, you will accept it.

Because I worry when people go around saying things like "unconditionally" and "would do anything for them."

Like even if a thing is not meant to be or if a thing is hurting them? They are going to keep going with it anyway and turn a blind eye to the problems/deal breakers. Because they love that person with no conditions and would do anything for them. Even hurt their own selves in the process.

I hope things work out ok in the way that you hope.

GL!

Galagirl
 
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