Just starting but having doubts.

[Massvik41]

I am a complete newbie to the world of polyamory - as is my partner. Back story: She lives in Europe, I live in the U.S. She travels here often, and I travel there, so we do see each other more than one might suspect given the 4000 mile separation.

But a new factor has found itself into the equation. We recently visited a naturist (read "nudist") resort and found out we liked the life there, and we liked the non-judgmental friends we met. No status; no class; no pretensions; just people who are friendlier than any group we have ever mixed with.

But something happened there. We made a friend (male) who immediately took a liking to my partner, as did she to him. I actually like him, as well (no gay inclinations on my or his part), and we became fast friends during our three stays at the resort. At the end of the third stay, we all realized that the next logical step was for my partner and our new friend to express their affection for one another by making love. We talked about it - all three - and I assured them I was all right with it and saw it as no threat to the stability of our very wonderful and solid relationship.

We have met and have had wonderful times together, she and he, with me participating actively or passively, but always lovingly. We are a happy threesome on that front. That much, I can say.

But the purpose of this post is to pose some questions and fears that beset me at times.

Am I naive in thinking this can continue, with her in Europe, me in the U.S., him in the U.S., given the geographical dispersal and the honeymoon atmosphere of all of our get-togethers? I would love to have her come here and live so we could all be together every day, but circumstances do not permit that at the present time.

What pitfalls should I expect and try to avoid?

What happens if he wants to go to Europe and meet her without me?

What happens if she comes here and wants to have exclusive time with both?

Does anyone know of a pattern like this that has survived more than a brief period? Is there something I need to do to make sure this doesn't fall apart, or that I do not lose my partner?

These are, of course, questions for me, but I am putting these issues out there to trigger a possible discussion from friends on these sites who are more experienced than me in this new and wonderful world of having more than one monogamous lover.

Thanks for reading and considering. Appreciated.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

A moderator will likely move this to a place more suited to advice. Don't worry about it yourself.

What pitfalls should I expect and try to avoid?

You should try and avoid not talking out all of the questions you enjoy asked here. The only way you can really answer them is by finding out how she feels about the future.

What happens if he wants to go to Europe and meet her without me?

Well, bluntly, they'd spend time together.

What you should probably think about is whether you want a relationship where your partner spends "alone time" with other partners. Most of us here (all I think) who identify as polyamorous do expect partners to have "alone time". But that's not what all couples who are ethically non-monogamous do.

There are plenty of couples who only have these sexual encounters together or with other specific conditions. Probably more than "fully poly" couples. It works perfectly if that's all a couple want outside of their relationship.

What happens if she comes here and wants to have exclusive time with both?

The same as above. You need to think if that's something you want to be permissable in your relationships.

Does anyone know of a pattern like this that has survived more than a brief period?

Yes. I've known all manner of non-monogamy to work for couples over the long-term. The key seems to be both people wanting more or less the same thing from their relationship(s).

Is there something I need to do to make sure this doesn't fall apart?

Talk. Ask the scary questions. Tell the awkward truth.

That won't stop you coming to understand that you're incompatible and your relationship ending. But it might stop it "falling apart" in a way that feels totally out of your control.

Or that I do not lose my partner?

You might decide that ultimately, your partner isn't the right person for you, and vice versa. That can happen in any relationship.

 

[icesong]

A moderator will likely move this to a place more suited to advice. Don't worry about it yourself.

You rang? {thread moved from Blogs to Poly Relationships Corner]

 

[Massvik41]

Thanks for your perspective. As I said, we are new to this world and, while enjoying it immensely and believing much happiness lies ahead, one does have insecurities. Full transparency is the key, as you suggest. We - the three of us - talked a great deal about this before we took even the smallest first step. Have to keep doing that. Thanks for your responses. Appreciated.

You rang? {thread moved from Blogs to Poly Relationships Corner]

No. I responded to the comments.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

Thanks for your perspective. As I said, we are new to this world and, while enjoying it immensely and believing much happiness lies ahead, one does have insecurities. Full transparency is the key, as you suggest. We - the three of us - talked a great deal about this before we took even the smallest first step. Have to keep doing that. Thanks for your responses. Appreciated.

No. I responded to the comments.

The mod came and moved your post from the blog section. Blogs are usually places where people don't give advice unless specifically asked and some people don't even read this section very often as a result of that.

 

[Magdlyn]

I am a complete newbie to the world of polyamory - as is my partner. Back story: She lives in Europe, I live in the U.S. She travels here often, and I travel there, so we do see each other more than one might suspect given the 4000 mile separation.

But a new factor has found itself into the equation. We recently visited a naturist (read "nudist") resort and found out we liked the life there, and we liked the non-judgmental friends we met. No status; no class; no pretensions; just people who are friendlier than any group we have ever mixed with.

But something happened there. We made a friend (male) who immediately took a liking to my partner, as did she to him. I actually like him, as well (no gay inclinations on my or his part), and we became fast friends during our three stays at the resort. At the end of the third stay, we all realized that the next logical step was for my partner and our new friend to express their affection for one another by making love. We talked about it - all three - and I assured them I was all right with it and saw it as no threat to the stability of our very wonderful and solid relationship.

We have met and have had wonderful times together, she and he, with me participating actively or passively, but always lovingly. We are a happy threesome on that front. That much, I can say.

Why did you make the decision in the first place, for you to be present while gf and new guy had sex? You could have decided from the first to let them have time alone. Maybe gf requested your presence because she's used to doing all things with you. But in polyamory, usually members of a couple establish some independence so that each person can date others separately.

I personally don't love threesome sex. It's OK as a special treat sometimes, if the others are into it (and good at it). It's too complicated for me as daily fare. Also, sometimes in this kind of arrangement, two will be "in the mood" and the other will be:
- tired
- ill
- not around
- or just not feeling like having sex (like, stressed, busy with other projects, or with kids, etc.)

You didn't start that way (making space for each dyad to date or have sex one-on-one), but you can certainly continue that way! You and new guy may want to have "guy time" too. Your friendship also needs nurturing.

But the purpose of this post is to pose some questions and fears that beset me at times.

Am I naive in thinking this can continue, with her in Europe, me in the U.S., him in the U.S., given the geographical dispersal and the honeymoon atmosphere of all of our get-togethers? I would love to have her come here and live so we could all be together every day, but circumstances do not permit that at the present time.

Does new guy want to be with both of you all day, every day? Does he want to live with you/her, or does he just like occasional dates? You're really projecting ahead, to a V living together situation. You and gf really barely know this guy, it seems. You've hung out a few times at the resort? It's very early days, much too soon to be thinking about living together. Gf can't even move, at this point. And I imagine new guy doesn't live in your town either.

What pitfalls should I expect and try to avoid?

Thinking that triads, or threesome sex, are requirements in polyamory is one thing you can let go of. Instead, think of the dyads and the needs of each.

What happens if he wants to go to Europe and meet her without me?

Fine.

What happens if she comes here and wants to have exclusive time with both?

Fine!

Does anyone know of a pattern like this that has survived more than a brief period?

You mean, starting out dating/having sex only in threesome mode (except that you and gf can be alone together), to gf and new guy having one-on-one dates/sex? Sure! As long as you and gf are secure with each other, you can learn to be happy to consent to her being with new guy on their own.

Is there something I need to do to make sure this doesn't fall apart, or that I do not lose my partner?

Disentangle. And read! You just jumped into polyamory with no research. Most formerly mono couples who open up do at least a year of research first. You were swept away by the whole naked romance of it all, with these unconventional people in an unusual setting, and just now you're going, Oh, the real world... what if this? what if that?

You could always lose your partner, for whatever reason. You jumped into this quickly. You didn't feel this fear at first, that she'll come to prefer new guy, but now you are afraid. But even when we're living monogamously, relationships end. People change partners. In polyamory, the goal is not to LEAVE Partner A "for" Partner B. The goal is to love both partners!

How many movies or books are based on the old "love triangle," where a woman loves two men and has to choose between them? (Twilight is a recent popular take on this theme.) Polyamory solves this old problem.

After all, for millennia, men were allowed to have more than one wife, and concubines as well. He did this without divorcing anyone. There was no reason to get rid of one beloved wife just because he loved another (or wanted the social connection with her family, as the case might have been). Just so, your gf can keep loving you while learning to love new guy. (Love takes time to build. It's just infatuation so far.) Or maybe they won't work out. Who knows?

These are, of course, questions for me, but I am putting these issues out there to trigger a possible discussion from friends on these sites who are more experienced than me in this new and wonderful world of having more than one monogamous lover.

Thanks for reading and considering. Appreciated.

Read Opening Up, Designer Relationships, and Polysecure.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Massvik41,

So far your trio relationship (a V, really) sounds like it's progressing well and in a healthy way. You do want to move into this poly situation slowly, do not rush, although with the long distance I think you kind of have to take it slow. I do not see it as a problem if she comes to the United States and wants exclusive time with both of you. If that's what she wants, then you honor her wishes (and take turns). Also there will be times when he travels to Europe without you, just as there will be times when you travel to Europe without him. I do not see this as a problem, as with the other scenario of exclusive time with each of you, you take turns and roll with it (as long as it's also what she wants).

In the meantime, while hopefully you are going slow with this, you should also be learning all you can about polyamory (and I hope he and she will do likewise). Read the book "Opening Up" by Tristan Taormino, visit sites such as More than Two, listen to podcasts such as the Multiamory series, and of course invest continued time into reading and posting on this forum. There is tons to learn about polyamory, and it is hard to predict what nuggets of wisdom will be the most needed and useful for you. Definitely keep us posted on this thread as your situation evolves, so that we can give you up-to-the-minute feedback. Good luck!

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[dingedheart]

Hey Massvik. What was or is your relationship expectation? What was or is her relationship expectation? What are the ages and history of all the players?