To me? You and wife basically broke up the marriage. The old marriage agreements? They are gone.
I'm going with ish on this one, yah we realize the old idea is done, but not forgotten. We both put our jobs as parents above everything else. Concerning the kids we are a family first, and as such we have to work together on many things. With all the other things I see it more as redesigning our marriage. We are still married and want to stay that way we're just redesigning it so that we can all be more authentic versions of ourselves.
You made new ones to include dating other people. It's not "add a third" to the old marriage.
I think it's kinda how you look at "marriage". For me the family aspect is a key part of that. So in some way if you're dating my wife you're at least a little involved with her kids. aka the old marriage. But other than the family part it's totally her relationship. I give my opinion, she can take it or leave it. If it involves family stuff then we have equal input.
It's more like "end the 2 people marriage and start a
whole new model even if some of the people remain the same."
This kinda gets into the next question, the idea of the kitchen table vs parallel. Two independent relationships vs two with overlap. If we're doing more of the parallel then do we really need to change much about how we do things? And my wifes gf doesn't really have to change her views much either. Now if it's more of the kitchen table then we take each others thoughts/feelings into consideration.
I wish I had time to go item by item response but I need to get. I think I answered a lot of this in my other post. I'll log in later and check if I didn't cover everything. And I do appreciate the feedback. there is for sure a learning curve. heh
Any
why would she view it that way? Because it is NOT just you and your wife any more. No more (only these 2 people) thing. It's a (3 people V thing) now.
So how you and wife do things might have to change to reflect that. Can't just run on "auto-pilot." The old normal is gone and the "new normal" isn't here yet so there's going to be a transition time.
If wife is used to
everything being shared with you on autopilot, she might not realize that some things about (her and her GF) she does NOT share with you. Just like some things about (you and wife) she does NOT share with GF. Not because anything hinky is going on, but because every "mini relationship" inside the larger polyship needs time, care, and privacy.
Same goes for you. And for GF.
You seem concerned about the layer of
- (me + my wife + her GF) and how we all get along, text, spend time together as families.
But haven't given much thought to
- (wife + her GF) <--> me and how I relate respectfully to that couple
- (wife + me) <--> GF and how GF relates respectfully to that couple
- (me + GF as metas) <---> wife and how wife relates respectfully to that pair and doesn't go all "sloppy hinge" telling TMI things to one partner about the other
Your wife may have an intimate relationship with you. But GF does not. To her you are a near stranger. So what's a near stranger doing buying her things like sex toys? Neither you nor wife considered that? It would be the same as underwear, tampons, prescriptions.... these are not "stranger neutral" shopping items.
A small box of xmas chocolate? That's an ok, neutral getting-to-know-you kind of xmas gift.
If you are trying to get to a place where GF becomes more comfortable with the idea of dating a married woman... how does learning "My GF and her husband picked out the sex toy GF will fuck me with" help with that?
Some people dig that, but this GF
doesn't sound like that type.
Slow stuff down, and stay out of their developing relationship for now. Be cordial and polite, but stop "helping" wife with it.
If you need to be included, ask for what you need. "Wife, you are dating GF a lot. I also need dates with you too."
If you need help figuring out how to articulate what you need, maybe print and circle the need inventory.
https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory
I know time management is a concern for you... like you are worried how wife will handle her time management with two partners and if you will get the short end of the stick. Remember that you CAN speak up if calendar stuff is a problem for you on your side of the V. And you don't have to be stuck with childcare
every time your wife goes out. Do the childcare you can do and past that? It's on wife to find a babysitter if she wants to go out extra.
Over time you might become friendly or friends with the GF (your meta).
But whether or not this is even a long haul runner to begin with? Time will tell. That part is between wife and GF -- not you. There is no point in worrying about being friends with the meta if they aren't gonna be a runner. YKWIM? Just be polite enough for now and let time unfold.
GF has to figure out if she wants to keep dating a married woman. Hopefully, they've set a time frame to make that call and it's not like perpetual snooze tag while getting more deeply attached in the meanwhile.
If this is a 3 people V where 1 person has to pretend another V member doesn't even exist? That's not healthy sounding.
It's one thing to be new to poly and not sure about it. So try it on for X amount of time to figure some things out one way or another.
And then there's being in denial and bending self into pretzels.
Galagirl[/QUOTE]
Thanks for the thought out response.
