Just starting to explore

J

Joanne

New member
Hello, I am new to all this, just looking to get some information and get my feet wet, so to speak. My partner has suggested he would like to explore poly so I want to see what it is about and (maybe!) go there. I had never considered it, but owe it to him to check it out.

Thanks for having me!

Just for info, we've been married three years, together six, and have a one year old baby boy. I think he has someone in mind (from work) but don't know if he has approached her yet. He says he loves me and love is not finite, but doesn't want to cheat. He wants everything above board.

I really don't know if it is feasible to start looking into this when I'm mostly busy and tired running after my daredevil of a son, but I do want to get the lay of the land. I'll mostly be reading to get other people's stories to start with.
 
Greetings Joanne,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

You might find our Life stories and blogs board to be helpful, along with a few other boards that discuss poly issues in general. With an infant son to care for it will be hard to find the time for polyamory, but you can certainly learn what it is, what it is about, and how it works.

Let us know if you have any questions.
Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

Please read through the guidelines if you haven't already.

Note: You needn't read every reply to your posts, especially if someone posts in a disagreeable way. Given the size and scope of the site it's hard not to run into the occasional disagreeable person. Please contact the mods if you do (or if you see any spam), and you can block the person if you want.

If you have any questions about the board itself, please private-message a mod and they'll do their best to help.

Welcome aboard!
 
Welcome Joanne.

I think it is amazing that you are educating yourself instead of closing your mind to the idea of polyamory. I am sure you will find what you are looking for.
 
Hi and welcome!

Please remember that you don't have to give your consent if you don't want to. Acquiescing to being in a polyamorous arrangement is sheer hell for anyone who doesn't really want that in their relationship and goes along with it out of fear.
 
nycidie, that is what I'm afraid of. I owe it to us both to check it out, but I just don't know at this point.
 
Joanne said:
I really don't know if it is feasible to start looking into this when I'm mostly busy and tired running after my daredevil of a son, but I do want to get the lay of the land.
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Parenting little ones is by far the most challenging time in a partnership/marriage in my experience. Judging from the stories told here, introducing poly during this extremely intense time is a very shaky undertaking for many reasons. Make sure you do a tag search for discussions here that involve the topic of young children. That is a very important aspect to your research.
 
Thanks Fallen Angel, good idea.

I think putting the whole thing off for a little while is what I'd really like to do, but I know he has an interest. I don't know, lots to think about.
 
So what if he has an crush on someone? It doesn't mean a clock is ticking for you to agree or else, right? We all have crushes and attractions, even monogamous folk, but don't have to act on them! That is called good judgment.

It seems that almost every week we see posts from women with young children, toddlers, newborns, or who are pregnant, and their husbands suddenly just sprang polyamory on them. Makes me think a deep fear of fatherhood is behind it.

I mean, yeah, being a father is fucking scary, but so is being a mother who is home alone with a baby and housework while her husband is off on a date!
 
Is he willing to wait? to wait awhile while you learn more about it? Maybe you could both learn more together?
 
kdt26417 said:
Is he willing to wait? to wait awhile while you learn more about it? Maybe you could both learn more together?
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I suppose that is the big question. I guess the answer will be telling. Is he poly or does he just want to cheat with my approval? I'm appreciating all the stories here and learning a lot, but it is making me more confused instead of bringing clarity. I guess I need to figure out what I really want.
 
From what you posted in then other thread sounds like you have your hands full and could use a break for yourself. Even if you aren't interested in dating anyone yourself make sure that you are getting equal time as he is out of the house. I imagine if he was constantly out having fun with other women while you are stuck at home tending to the baby and house you'd get resentful pretty fast. And you also need to make sure that you and him are also going out doing fun things as a couple
 
Joanne said:
... I think he has someone in mind (from work) but don't know if he has approached her yet. He says he loves me and love is not finite, but doesn't want to cheat. He wants everything above board.
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I/we don't have kids so I would pay attention to the other posters in this regard.

While it is not ideal to have "someone in mind" when approaching your significant other with the concept of poly, I don't think it is at all unusual for someone to "crush on" someone enough to the point where poly is suddenly brought to the table.

I have ID'd as poly since before I was ever in a relationship. For me, in my relationship with MrS, that was always within the context of me seeking female companionship (as I also ID as bisexual)...and for 19 years I never really felt moved to open THAT particular can of worms. Then Dude came along...

Long story short - I am an ass-hat (story in my "Journey" blog), shit happened, and now I am with both MrS and Dude. BUT that is not, I think, the most common scenario. Sometimes the person that it seems "worth" rocking a relationship for isn't up for poly, sometimes the partner might be up for poly (or open or something else) but, after much effort and angst, the original prospect is "taken off the table" for various reasons (their situation, the negativity of the initial process, etc.)

So...kudos to you for even taking the time to investigate the possibility!:p BUT, it takes some couples years of discussion and false starts to get to the point where they are even ready to begin to explore IRL. I would suggest that you caution your partner that, while you are ready to research and investigate the possibility that this might be possible in the future - you are NOT there yet - and he shouldn't hold his breath that he is going to be free to move forward with this "prospect" in the immediate future.

Just my two cents.

JaneQ

PS. Agree with Inyourendo that coworkers would be on my "messy people" list...too much potential drama!
 
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nycindie said:
It seems that almost every week we see posts from women with young children, toddlers, newborns, or who are pregnant, and their husbands suddenly just sprang polyamory on them. Makes me think a deep fear of fatherhood is behind it.
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I've been noticing this, too, and I'm feeling kind of horrified by it, I think because my husband did something similar while I was pregnant with our first child 13 years into our relationship. For me it was such a vulnerable time and I felt like he waited to spring it all on me until I was stuck and at his mercy. (He wasn't suggesting poly but was coming clean to me about every hurtful thought he'd ever had.). It was the first time in our relationship that I didn't feel like we really had each other's backs and it was the time I most needed to feel like we were in it together. I couldn't help but wonder if he didn't do it earlier bc he was afraid I'd leave, but once I was pregnant I was more likely to suck up whatever he threw at me. So I don't know if I'm reading too much into these other posters' stories, but my heart breaks for them. I can't imagine that most new moms don't feel like they need to feel like their children's fathers are completely committed to their family. And to be moving forward with a monogamous orientation and have hubby pick that time to throw out the idea of polyamory just feels horrifically unsettling.

So, OP, I think you should make sure not to be pushed into anything that'll leave you feeling unsupported or uncared for. And like Sue said, please watch out for being stuck home changing diapers while he's out having all the fun. And remember that changing the diapers is fun when you're not feeling abandoned.
 
Joanne said:
....We have a crazy baby boy who keeps me running and I know I haven't been able to be as attentive to my partner. I'm think that may be why he wants this. I owe it to us both to look into it.
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Joanne, you wrote this in another thread and have said several times now that you "owe it to" your husband to look into poly relationships. It seems that possibly you feel that you "owe him" because your interest in sex has waned. I strongly urge you to learn more about the natural ebbs and flows of sexual desire in the female life cycle and how normal it is for sexual desire to go dormant when tending very young children. This is one aspect of child rearing that makes this era in your relationship one of the most challenging. You do not "owe" him, for he has chosen to make a family with you and he has chosen to undertake everything that is involved in being a father. You do not "owe" him attentive behavior. You certainly can make the choice to be attentive out of love for him, but you have not "failed" if you feel physically and emotionally depleted right now. You are feeling what every mother of every young child feels. Fathers feel this exhaustion as well, but mothers usually experience acute energy depletion for several years after bearing a child.

Couples contend with this very natural and normal change in different ways and poly relationships can certainly be a "solution" but ONLY if everyone involved is fulfilled in the experience of multiple loving relationships. It's great you're showing your love for your husband by learning more about polyamory, but please also learn more about the stage of life you're in. The more you know about this particular very natural and universal parenting experience, the less blame you will heap on yourself that your husband is looking to get his needs met elsewhere.
 
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Hi Joanne,

How does your husband feel about the prospects of you dating others? I think it's good to start addressing those aspects, even if it's entirely hypothetical at this stage, as soon as possible. Even if that's not something you imagine for yourself right now, it will be a good exercise for the pair of you to be in each others shoes, and the earlier he starts thinking about the idea, the easier it will be on your husband if you do eventually find a boyfriend of your own. If he is strongly against it on principle, then beware - that's not a great sign.

People certainly do manage to successfully combine polyamory with having kids, but it does seem to add an extra stressor into the mix. He would need to be fully prepared to support you by looking after kiddo while you go out on dates, and vice versa. And having a small child at home will probably put added pressure on either of your partners too - they will need to be understanding if dates fall through at the last minute because the little one gets sick, and be okay with the fact that your house will most likely be off-limits as far as dating goes. That kind of stuff might feel like it's far off in the future, but honestly, it's the kind of thing you want to be clear on from the outset. The reason people say it can take years to go from thinking about polyamory to happily practising it is precisely because there are so many things to think about and discuss like this. :)

As the previous poster pointed out, you do not want to find yourself raising your child alone while he goes off and has his fun. My agreement with my partner, for when we have kids, is that we each take equal time away from home. So if she's dating someone and sees them twice a month, then she makes time twice a month for me to do something fun away from the family responsibilities. That could be time I use to date others too, but if I'm not seeing anyone, that could mean going on a trip away somewhere, or taking some evenings out with friends. Polyamory should be something which enriches both of your lives. There really do need to be positives in it for you, or else you will fall into a situation where you are being taken advantage of. Is he reading and researching too? If not, he should, because damn, being a hinge person and juggling multiple relationships is HARD WORK, and he should really be getting advice and support from people who have made it work too *ahead of time*, so he can figure out whether the personal sacrifices he will likely end up making are worth it.
 
Wow, you folks are all so welcoming. I'm glad I came here. I never considered a lot of what you are saying and I don't think my partner has either. I don't think he's done all that much research into this. I'm still trying to figure out if he truly is poly, or if he just wants the freedom to pursue his crush without repercussions from me.

As far as I go, he of course has said that I'd be free to date as well. I think the thought of something and the reality of it may be quite different, especially when he is clouded by his own desires-a way of alleviating his own guilt, as it were.

As it is, I think I'm going to ask him to wait a while. I haven't had the nerve to have that conversation yet, as his answers may tell me what I'm not ready to hear.
 
I just don't think it's right that you are physically exhausted and you need help yet he never wants to be home and wants to sex up other women. How about he spend time with his kid so you can take a nap?
 
Joanne said:
Wow, you folks are all so welcoming. I'm glad I came here. I never considered a lot of what you are saying and I don't think my partner has either. I don't think he's done all that much research into this. I'm still trying to figure out if he truly is poly, or if he just wants the freedom to pursue his crush without repercussions from me.

As far as I go, he of course has said that I'd be free to date as well. I think the thought of something and the reality of it may be quite different, especially when he is clouded by his own desires-a way of alleviating his own guilt, as it were.

As it is, I think I'm going to ask him to wait a while. I haven't had the nerve to have that conversation yet, as his answers may tell me what I'm not ready to hear.
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I think it is amazing that you have such an open attitude about all of this. I am glad you are taking your time to really think about it. I hope he respects your decision and doesn't try to pressure you. :) I hope you find some time for you, regardless. You need a chance to recharge!
 
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