Justified doubts or wrong expectations?

E

Eva92

New member
Hello again,

A few months ago I opened a thread about sex rejection in an open relationship. Long story short: My boyfriend and I decided to be monogamous again and he'd go to a counselor for his burn-out and minor depression. We have a relationship and live together since one and a half year.

After our big fight and 'almost-break-up', he's been very loyal but distant. He deleted all chatsites and stopped having sexual contact with other girls. He had a hard time recovering(?) from his burn-out and depression and recently stopped going to his counsellor (although he admits that it didn't help much and he still feels very bad sometimes). He's been very emotionaly and physically distant, bus still attentive and loving towards me until the last few weeks.

The problem is that I still have many doubts. I'd like to discuss them with you because I wonder if it has anything to do with co-dependency and wrong expectations. People who are poly seem to be more concious about these themes. There are a few problems who lead to these doubts:
- He likes to do a lot of stuff on his own and is preoccupied with his hobby during his freetime. During his burn-out, he spend a lot of time gaming and watching tv, while now he finally enjoys his real interest again. I'm happy that he has this passion which makes him happy, but I feel like it's always his priority. He's home from work at 5pm while I come home from school after 9pm. Even when he's had four hours of time to do whatever he wants, he doesn't want to spend that one hour with me before going to sleep. I feel neglected while he feels like I'm too demanding. He doesn't understand that I feel sad/angry when I always have to make plans around his schedule and he never takes initiative to have some 'couple time'.
- He always cooked diner or made breakfast for me in the past, while I always clear the table an do the dishes. We divided the other chores, but sometimes I felt like this wasn't completely fair because he was at work the entire day while I was at home studying. I decided to do some other chores and I recently started cooking diner. Nowadays, I'm the one who always cooks, cleans and has to do the dishes. He never says anything about this change, never thanks me or compliments me about the work I did.
- During our difficult period we had sex once a week, but sometimes less. I stopped complaining about this, and gave him time and space to work out whatever was troubling him. Since he says he's feeling better, we have sex two times in a week. I'd like to have it more often but I'm happy with this improvement. What's frustrating me, is his laziness and selfishness in bed. When I propose to try someting new or adventurous, he rejects it. I also have to do all the work. He won't go down on me because he isn't feeling like it, but he even pushes and holds my head when I go down on him. I've told him before that I really don't like it when he does this, but sometimes 'he forgets in the moment'. Besided that, our sex life is really boring and I still have to take initiative.

I'm wondering if I'm expecting too much. Maybe if I stop demanding to spend time together, the other problems would also be solved? Do I even have to right to complain about doing chores en not receiving the appreciation I want? He still helps in the household (after I ask him), so I shouldn't really be angry about it? Is our sexlife connected by his feelings of being retained and me feeling neglected? I'm thinking about taking our relationship to 'the previous level' by moving out. We started living together really fast and maybe everything just went way too fast. I know he doesn't want me to leave because he like having me around and he 'loves me very much' (his words). But I'm wondering if this really is love or just two friends living together?

To be honest, I've had the same frustrations in my previous relationships (feeling neglected and expecting more in a relationship). So I'm wondering about my share: do I have wrong expectations, does my behaviour cause these problems or do I just always fall in love with the same kind of person? Is walking away the right thing to do, or would you suggest me to do some self-work while I'm still in this relationship?

Thanks you for reading this and sorry for the long story (in poor English)!
 
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Hello Eva,
I've got two impressions from your writing, and none of them is going to be pleasant to hear. I'm sorry about that.

First, his side: It really seems like he's not very interested in the relationship. He's not doing the work to maintain it in good health/condition, he's not very caring (unless you've omitted an lot, which you likely did) so your sense of neglect is totally in place.

But, your side: You're doing an awful lot of "pushing", judging (good/bad), knowing what is "right" and trying to get him to do it. Now this is a subtle and complex paradigm and to see it in oneself and start to shift it takes a lot of time and awareness. But you are having fixed ideas about how the relationship should be, and instead of trying to build something that suits you (and instead of real communication on the level of personalities with your partner), you're trying to square him (and yourself, too!) into these predefined forms.

Trusting yourself more and allowing yourself to act in accordance with your desires and preferences, while dropping blame and accepting more responsibility could produce a change for you, IMHO :eek: Responsibility in this context doesn't mean blaming yourself for your situation, but rather accepting that your partner relates as he relates and deciding (very independently) if you want this in your life or not.

If moving out is something that you want to do for yourself, that would make your life better (as opposed to a slightly manipulative mood in the spirit of "he must realize that he has to treat me better"), it might be the way to go ... but frankly, I have no idea, what you should DO. I'm offering an observation about attitudes.
 
Hi Eva

I think your boyfriend is just going through a readjustment phase. I would say give him some time and space and just go with it. Love him, be nice to him, be there for him, talk about it if he wants to, don't talk about it if he doesn't; many men like to work out their issues by themselves. Things might very well get back to somewhat-normal by themselves.

If all the same problems persist weeks later, then gently, naturally discuss chores or sex. Always be friendly, lighthearted, and natural; don't ever confront or ambush. This seems to work with all my partners.

If you don't get a positive response, and you feel like he doesn't care for you, or might be using you, then discuss/reevaluate your relationship with him. Good luck
 
Hi Eva92,

It sounds like you are feeling neglected in this relationship. Your boyfriend is not very appreciative, not very thoughtful, not very giving, and doesn't show much interest in you a lot of the time. I actually think breaking up is something to think about, but maybe moving out would suffice for the moment. I don't know the exact answer, it is obvious that you are rightfully frustrated with the situation.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
You know you don't have to go through all the options or scenarios to justify bailing on a failing relationship? There is no set length of time or effort to put into a relationship before you are 'allowed' to leave that relationship. You just have to be unhappy. That's it. No other reasons are required.

I see you spinning your wheels about this what you are allowed to feel or do about this relationship. There is no set pattern, no 'right way'. There is only what works best for you while being respectful and kind to others.

So, ask yourself, are you happy? Are you growing as person as result of being with this person? Do they help you become a better version of yourself? Do you help them be a better version of themselves? If you are not happy and/or growing, or are even becoming a lesser version of yourself, do you see that changing in the near term?

If the answers to these questions are mostly 'no', listen to that.
 
It sounds like your relationship is not very satisfying for you, and your partner is acting selfishly. Personally, I don't think I would stay with a partner who behaves as you describe in bed, regardless of the possibility that it's somehow a reaction to something else in the relationship. It just feels very sexist and entitled.

That said, you're concerned that there's a pattern here, because you've had similar problems in other relationships. It does sound like you could do more asking (nicely!) for what you want. Instead of waiting for him to praise you for the cooking, you could say that you really like hearing words of affirmation (Google "5 love languages") and would love it if he could occasionally express appreciation for your effort or praise for the outcome.

I also recommend you check out a book called "Feeling Good Together" by David Burns. The thesis is that in relationships, we often inspire in our partner the exact behavior we don't like. There are lots of examples, some of which might resonate with you. It has a lot of specific exercises you can do to try to improve how YOU communicate, with the effect that your partner feels more understood and relaxed, therefore starts treating you better. The recommended method of communication is very counter-intuitive and difficult to apply, but if you think your behavior might be causing his, and you want to save the relationship, it could be worth a try.

Also, it sounds like his depression is not fully under control, and being self-absorbed and unappreciative could be symptoms of his depression. That doesn't mean you have to put up with it, but perhaps you could encourage him to find a different therapist, try different meds, etc.

I don't think moving out is going to help. Work on it or break up, is my advice.
 
I'm sorry you struggle.

I don't know if my opinion helps you any.

I'm thinking about taking our relationship to 'the previous level' by moving out. We started living together really fast and maybe everything just went way too fast. I know he doesn't want me to leave because he like having me around and he 'loves me very much' (his words). But I'm wondering if this really is love or just two friends living together?
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If that's what you lean toward? Go ahead and move out. He will either step it up and put effort into the relationship again or he will continue to fade out. Just that you will have a clearer view of it all.

Galagirl
 
Thank you all for the advice. The last week, I felt so angry, confused, hurt,... I made the abrupt decision to break up with him. He'd just bought a book about intimacy and really wanted to work things through. But I just couldn't do it anymore, I was so broken and tired. I had lost myself in this relationship. He hadn't shed a tear a tear in six years, but that night, he cried like a little baby. And I cried with him. I didn't want to let him go, I didn't want to let our relationship go, but I wanted to find myself again. The next day, we talked again and he said that it was better this way, that he wanted to work on his problems all by himself. He immediately started to make plans with friends and family, to find some distraction.

We're five days further and I can only feel pain.
First of all, I miss him like hell. He was my best friend, my support. Second, I realise how he was my only source of happiness in life (during our good moments ofcource). It feels like there's nothing left to enjoy anymore.. it's something I also felt during the last few months of our relationship. I could not feel pleasure if I was not with him. School, work, friends, hobby's felt mandatory. So now I'm stuck with only those empty remains that can' give me happiness.
I went to see my doctor yesterday, and in the beginning I could only cry. She asked questions about my past en we had a very long conversation. She told me she thinks that the problems in our relationship and the break-up brought up some unprocessed emotions from my childhood. I've never felt understood or loved or supported during some terrible things that happened in my youth. My need for attention, safety and security, has made me dependent. I really needed him to feel good.. and when I felt like he didn't give me enough love, all the emotion from my past also showed up. So I was - and still am - very weak, and made an appointment to see a psychologist.
Did I make the right decision? Yes, because I need these insights to grow, to become a better and more healthy person. But there's still this voice inside that gives me hope that things will work out between us. We're still friends, I need to hear his voice almost every day and tell him about the things I'm goign through. He is okay with that, because he knows it's the only way for me to calm down. But in the meantime, he seems to enjoy his freedom, he doesn't seem to be in pain anymore.
I haven't eaten in five days, I can barely sleep, I have pannick attacks, ... I now that I need to take care of myself, but I don't know how to do this. There's this really big emptyness and I don't know how to fill it.
 
Sorry to hear you're feeling so awful right now. Breaking up was the right move, but it has opened up a world of pain for you that maybe you weren't 100% aware of before. I think it's a good idea to see a psychologist, I have hope that that will help you. Hopefully this forum will help you too, if nothing else we can lend a listening ear.

I suppose it's possible that you and your now-ex will get back together again. But in the meantime, use this opportunity to develop some more independence. So that your whole world isn't jeopardized when he's away.
 
FWIW, I think you are doing the right things. You made the decision to part ways. Any break up (even if wanted) comes with some mourning.

You saw the doctor and made an appointment to see a psychologist. So you can have support through this recent break up, so you can work on past childhood issues that were unresolved, and so you can work on being able to stand on your own two feet and not be dependent/codependent.

I think those are worthwhile investments in yourself and in your own well being.


I haven't eaten in five days, I can barely sleep, I have pannick attacks, ... I now that I need to take care of myself, but I don't know how to do this. There's this really big emptyness and I don't know how to fill it.
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You could work on that next. Get some food -- even if it is just BRAT -- bananas, rice, apples, toast. When you see the psychologist, tell them about the appetite, sleep, and panic attacks. Perhaps there is something you could take temporarily to address those.

Without good sleep, things tend to be harder. Like you are facing them on an empty gas tank. You have a lot going on and it will be a ways to go... so addressing sleep quality seems pretty important.

Galagirl
 
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