Thanks guys ... ... I'm sure the muse will strike me with yet another text block (or three) soon ...
I really like what you said here. I think in a healthy poly relationship, there's no need to keep scores or force totally equal behaviors, because what's important is everyone finds a comfortable niche and has their major needs met. It may look unequal on the surface, but different people have different needs, and as long as everyone is happy, who cares if someone has more partners or spends more time with one partner than another? My two long-distance SOs most likely will never be my life partners like my husband, but the solo poly lifestyle is exactly what they want and the thought of cohabitation makes them cringe, so we have a happy balance, which doesn't involve equality of behavior, but does involve "equality of mentality" (as L brilliantly puts it).Suddenly, being alone didn't feel so lonesome anymore. It's more like Snowbunny and Brother-Husband were respecting my right to privacy. I had a cave I could retreat into. It made me feel more like being social (with both of them), and it made me feel more comfortable in general -- as if I'd discovered my very own niche in the Universe. When I'm alone, I remember how much Snowbunny (and Brother-Husband) love/s me, and it makes me smile.
So for those of you ladies (who are or) who desire to be the hinge in an MFM Vee -- or those of you guys (who are or) who desire to be the hinge in an FMF Vee -- and are feeling selfish about it: Don't. You don't need to. All you need to do is discover the right unique balance for each and every person's needs in the equation. Some folks need more romantic attention; others do fine with less.
Of course this also means that lots of people are intense/attached enough in their romantic relationships that poly won't work for them. That is, having "half a spouse" will starve them emotionally. And maybe in some such cases, it's less painful for all involved to break up instead of trying to force a poly arrangement to work that won't work. But my point is, many MFM and FMF (and FFM, MMF, FFF, and MMM) Vee's do work, and one of the most important reasons why they work is because each person finds that the amount of time/attention they get, balanced with the amount of "me time" for them, is the right formula for them given their life, personality, and circumstances.
"How did you split the costs of living -- evenly, like normal roommates? Or did you pay a specific rent, as you were moving into an already established household? We've been talking about how to do things and there really isn't a ton of guidance out there, that I have seen yet."
"Did you have a lot of issues surrounding spillover noise from bedrooms? You mentioned you could hear your metamour outside your door during sex, that sounds awkward!"