1:27 p.m., Friday the 21st
To give you an idea of what a mess I can be ... I have a routine with the cats where I come out and tell them it's just about time, right before their feeders go off. I especially do this when it's just me and them alone together in the house, like today. But I dropped the ball, I stopped watching the time, and their feeders went off without me giving them that heads up. I tell myself I didn't custom order my brain, I got what I got and if I'm prone to make mistakes there's not a lot I can do about it. I even remind myself that I don't believe in such a thing as free will, everything is a result of environment and genetics, including whatever efforts I make to do things right. But even with all that I still feel guilty and angry at myself for dropping the ball. I let the cats down, shame on me. I know it sounds ridiculous. But that's how I am.
I assume it's an artifact leftover from my childhood. My mom was very critical back then, and I learned to sorely criticize myself whenever she wasn't around. I have tried to unlearn that, but obviously I am still a failure in that regard (and in many other regards, right?). This bitter disappointment in myself today will probably last several hours at least, though I will get past it. That is until the next time I make a mistake. (No matter how small a mistake.) I desperately want hard liquor right now, and we have hard liquor, sitting out in the open on the cupboard. So tempting. It would be so nice. But Snowbunny would have my head on a platter, not to mention I'd be breaking my word. Is she testing me or trusting me? Maybe both. So at this moment at least, I am just sucking it up and suffering. This concludes my riport.