Kitchen Table Poly and partner wants Parallel Poly

[SparkyGirl]

I feel like this needs a bit of a background before I dive into the situation:

Me: straight F, early 30s, married to H(usband), dating B(oyfriend) - Kitchen table Poly
H: heteroflexible, M, early 30s, married to Me, dating Pies, Kitchen Table Poly
B: heteroflexible, M, late 30s, long term relationship with Cell, dating Me, Kitchen Table Poly
Cell: straight F, early 40s, long term relationship with B, Parallel Poly, barely Poly at all actually.
Pies isn’t really important to this story.

I recently started seeing B, about 2 months ago. Things with me and B are great, few small hurdles with H and my new relationship. All in all, it’s going well. H and B met briefly, and we do have upcoming plans after the holidays for the three of us to spend a bit more time together. This doesn’t worry me. However, the more time B is exposed to what H and Me have, the more he is convinced that it is the way forward for him.

B, on the other hand, is having issues with Cell, his primary. I’ve always had the impression they’re just not very happy. B and Cell always intended to have an open relationship, but only opened it officially in the last year. B insists that being Poly, and not just Poly but Kitchen Table Poly, is essential to him and his happiness. Cell on the other hand is interested in a DADT arrangement. Actually, she’s completely uninterested in being open much at all. Openness was discussed at the beginning of the relationship, and she agreed then. Situations led to too many complications for extra relationships. Now that things have settled, B is trying to move back into open territory.

This is causing a lot of stress for B. While initially agreeing, Cell is not handling things well, and often actively working against Bs relationships (there were a few before me). B is eager to start inviting me more into his life, and my line has been “whenever she’s ready.” It is increasingly looking like that may never happen.

I have to this point kept my opinions on their relationship to myself. I don’t think it wins me any points to speak against Cell. There’s a pretty good chance this will end soon. My heart breaks for B - Cell has been a mother to his son for many years. He hesitates to break up with Cell, because they have been together so long, but their goals (not just open relationship but financial, parental, living arrangements, etc, etc) don’t align.

How, as a secondary, can I best support B through this? And even if they do stay together, what is the best way I can be respectful of Cell and her DADT policy (even though it clearly hurts B)? I’m not sure what my role is here. I know the relationship was broken well before I entered the scene. I did not cause their issues, I’m just a lightning rod right now. I can carry that mantel, that doesn’t bother me. I haven’t been in this role before. Mostly I just listen to B vent when he needs to and carefully keep opinions to myself while trying to be supportive.

What is my own way forward here?

 

[Emm]

Can you define your terms? Exactly what do "kitchen table poly", "parallel poly", "open" and "DADT" mean to you?

 

[kdt26417]

Hi SparkyGirl,

I would advise against getting too involved with the B/Cell situation. You said you mostly just hear B vent as needed, and carefully keep opinions to yourself while trying to be supportive. I think that's about the best you can do, right there. If B is going to break up with Cell, it's important for it to be B's decision. Or B's and Cell's. So, don't try to influence him one way or another. Just be there to support him, whatever he chooses to do.

Sorry you are caught in this difficult situation.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

 

[GalaGirl]

I have to this point kept my opinions on their relationship to myself.

I think you could keep doing that.

There’s a pretty good chance this will end soon.

Then it pretty much solves itself. Just sit tight and wait it out. B has to deal with Cell on his own. This is the (B + Cell) dyad. You are not in that.

How, as a secondary, can I best support B through this?

You could ask him directly what sort of support he would like best from you. If anything on the list is actually something you are willing/able to do? Do it.

Mow the lawn, make a soup, listen to his story without adding anything to it so he can just air out. Whatever it is that needs doing. Just basic comforting things that you would do for any friend.

https://goodlifezen.com/21-ways-to-comfort-a-friend-in-crisis/

Just because he's a BF doesn't mean he doesn't need food or laundry. Stick to "basics."

Galagirl

 

[SparkyGirl]

Can you define your terms? Exactly what do "kitchen table poly", "parallel poly", "open" and "DADT" mean to you?

Kitchen Table Poly: me, H, B and Pies can all sit around, play board games and get along as friends would. We could sit around a kitchen table and have a coffee.

Parallel Poly: two relationships running side by side but never touching or interacting.

DADT: Cell doesn’t even want to hear my name mentioned, she wants to pretend I don’t exist. I’m okay with this, B is not.

Open I’m referring to any variation of being in an open relationship.

 

[SparkyGirl]

I would advise against getting too involved with the B/Cell situation. You said you mostly just hear B vent as needed, and carefully keep opinions to yourself while trying to be supportive. I think that's about the best you can do, right there. If B is going to break up with Cell, it's important for it to be B's decision. Or B's and Cell's. So, don't try to influence him one way or another. Just be there to support him, whatever he chooses to do.

Sorry you are caught in this difficult situation.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

That’s been my plan. I am in no way involved currently and I don’t intend to be involved in any way other than support. I’ve been very careful not to offer any opinions, and have even told him why I don’t. (All of his friends have encouraged him to leave his relationship citing abuse. I don’t know if it’s abusive, but it’s not healthy)

You could ask him directly what sort of support he would like best from you. If anything on the list is actually something you are willing/able to do? Do it.

Galagirl

This is such a basic good idea, honestly. Basically, when he gets around to talking about it he talks, sometimes I ask questions, I never give and opinion. He apologizes for dumping on me and tells me I’m a good listener, and I tell him I’m happy to listen. That’s the level of involvement I have.

 

[GalaGirl]

That's all it needs to be then.

Galagirl

 

[vinsanity0]

B is not ready for poly. He can"t even get it together with Cell. How's he going to handle another relationship? It might do him some good to hear that.

 

[PolyNatural]

... How, as a secondary, can I best support B through this? And even if they do stay together, what is the best way I can be respectful of Cell and her DADT policy (even though it clearly hurts B)?

I’m not sure what my role is here. I know the relationship was broken well before I entered the scene. I did not cause their issues, I’m just a lightning rod right now. I can carry that mantel, that doesn’t bother me. I haven’t been in this role before. Mostly I just listen to B vent when he needs to and carefully keep opinions to myself while trying to be supportive.

Okay, here's my usual controversial opinion. There's no room for a DADT attitude in a poly relationship. Communication is a cornerstone of maintaining a healthy poly relationship. Add that you feel you have to keep your opinions to yourself. This is a huge problem. There is no way to resolve it without the full constructive cooperation, understanding, respect, and disclosure from everyone involved.

What is my own way forward here?

Your own way forward is to stand your ground on your principles and voice your concerns. You're not their therapist, but maybe you could all try going to one together to see if you can get some healthy communication happening.