Glad your back! It does help to get feedback from those outside your immediate situation. Part of why I feel at home in this community, is because people see the need to vent, but at the same time no one is afraid to tell it like it is and offer helpful advice. When the gentle approach doesn't work there are folks willing to give a smack upside the head if they deem it necessary.
Sometimes a smack upside the head is just what I need! Smack away y'all, smack away!
Something to note: you seem to go to extremes when you start to reach your breaking point. My husband does this and I'm not sure how to help him either, except point it out. Unfortunately, this tends to leave a mess in his wake that has to be fixed after the fact. Would he have made the same decission if he had waited a day or even a few hours, obviously not since we seem to find ourselves back peddling some of his rash statements or decissions. From my view point, it's like smashing the radiator because you got a flat tire.
Yes I do - and I hate that! It makes me feel so out of control, so NOT myself - it scares me sometimes. Love your analogy by the way!
KT- I'm glad you're staying. Your story is important, to you and us. I hope that this blog/forum can continue to be a sounding board for growth. I know it's helping me a lot, too. In reading your last post, you didn't sound spiteful or crazy or whiny. Just honest and standing up for what you need.
Thank you ray - that means a lot! I know there are people on here who would disagree with you - and that is their right. It's the people, like you, who have been supportive and who have offered constructive criticism that I'm focusing on.
I used to get angry like you and probably still will under the right conditions. I now try to walk away and walk out my anger physically, letting it subside before I do or say anything I'll regret later (good tip for the weightloss thread too
)
This is a good step in regaining your personal power.
I tried to "walk away" yesterday (as much as you can while texting) I told him that we could talk when he calmed down - he kept it going. He started the yelling while I kept my voice calm. But after a while - things were said, accusations were made, feelings were hurt, the gloves came off and we were in a full fledge fight.
Damn, KT, you are working your ass off on here!
Thank you Carma!
1. Apology accepted. I agree that Neon likely has better things to do than close and re-open blogs. We all struggle, lets just agree to stop "giving up" every time the struggle gets hard. Come on the board, say "I fucking feel like giving up". But, leave it as the emotion and not the choice.
Agreed!
2. Good, you should stop allowing outside pressures be the decision makers in your life. You SHOULD pay attention to pressures from the outside, sometimes they ARE good for you. But, instead of automatically ceding to the pressures, look at them, consider them, decide if ceding to them or standing against them or ignoring them is going to be the best route for continuing upon the path of your long terms goals for life-and then do what is best.
(7 levels of intimacy-always ask "is this decision/action/thought/behavior promoting the best version of myself or not?" THEN you can decide how to respond)
Good point - but sometimes it's easier said than done. It is something that I will work on. I need to get back to reading 7 Levels of Intimacy - (I set it aside to read Radical Acceptance, which I set aside to read Girl Who Kicked the Hornets Nest, which I just finished last week so I am ready to pick it up again.)
3. It is long overdue for you to stop being dependent. You two may manage to find a working level of interdependence, but it's time to get rid of codependent behaviors and attitudes.
This is difficult. Sometimes I find myself having to remind myself-"it's not my place to tell Maca how to do that" and sometimes I have to remind myself that it's not his place to tell me. Shrug-we have to learn to stand up for ourselves, take responsibility for ourselves and our lives AND to not allow others to impede our progress in being the best version of ourselves. (the next step after that is to learn to support them in becoming the best version of themselves
but focus on the first step for now)
Agreed (again!) I do need to be independent - and I am working on it and making progress. However, I feel like I'm getting mixed messages from him: on one hand he wants me to be an independent person who has their own life, but on the other hand, he wants to me to submit to him. If anyone knows how to make that happen - please let me know because I see it as a big conflict. It's almost like I'm a dog on a leash and he'll only let me go so far before he yanks me back and tells me to sit. Well, which is it?
1. Making irrational decisions in the heat of the moment. 2. Needing to lose weight. BOTH can be solved with ONE solution
Anytime an upsetting situation comes on-or a thrilling one, TAKE A WALK.
DO NOT MAKE ANY DECISIONS IN THE HEAT OF THE MOMENT. (sometimes the "heat of the moment" lasts longer than a few days)
It's no different than after the death of a close loved one, or during NRE.
MAJOR DECISIONS SHOULD NOT BE ATTEMPTED WHEN YOU ARE EMOTIONALLY UNBALANCED.
Good point! I need to find a way to see through the red haze I see when I am angry and ready to explode and hit the pause button so that I can gather my thoughts and calm down. I don't know if you have read Radical Acceptance - but pausing is talked about a lot. Putting it into practice, especially in the heat of the moment - takes time and practice. The few times I have been able to do it - it has worked.
WHEN all hell breaks loose-it is QUITE common for counselors, psychologists, psychiatrists, mediator, medical Dr's etc to advise that the people involved to STOP TALKING ABOUT ANY ISSUES BETWEEN THEM unless they are talking DIRECTLY with the counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist/mediator/dr present to control the conversation and guide it appropriately.
GREAT IDEA! The last few days that we were getting along - that is pretty much what we did - and it did work. It wasn't until he became upset over my posts yesterday that things got out of hand. I am going to suggest we try this.
The reason for that is because the people involved in the "hell that broke loose" are participants of CREATING the hell with their actions/words/mannerisms/assumptions etc.
THEREFORE-Maca and I agreed that we would not discuss any of the issues between us (what a week ago everyone?) until we are with a counselor.. PERIOD. Any issue.
Why? Because the conflict is going to destroy our family and most especially our children. It's not WHAT we are conflicting about (nor is it WHAT you all are conflicting about) that is most damaging-its THE CONFLICT.
When we try to talk about the issues on our own-we end up fighting. OBVIOUSLY that's the case between 2rings and KT as well. The obvious answer is SHUT THE FUCK UP.
SHUT THE FUCK UP has been 2rings mantra lately. And I have - on occaison. He on the other hand - hasn't always taken his own advice. At least not that I can see.
I made an appointment with a marriage counselor today. Unfortunately, he can't see us until May 14th - which is too far away. I made the appointment - but am going to call one or two others tomorrow. I think that we should try this and not talk about things until that time. It worked for us the last few days - so I think it is worth trying for a longer period.
True dat.
back atcha nycindie! Thanks!
