KT's Blog

[LovingRadiance]

I need to clarify what I meant by submit - I wasn't referring to Dom/sub.

He wants to be the man. He wants to call the shots, make the decisions, and have the final say in most things. Things have to be done his way.

I don't know how to be independent and strong when he makes me feel stupid and weak? I don't know how to find my voice when I'm being told my opinions don't count.

I knew what you meant and my response was tailored SPECIFICALLY for him. SPECIFICALLY for him, not any man. Not based on anybody-but what I'm aware of about HIM.

 

[LovingRadiance]

I think it's important to point out that "Shut the fuck up" is just something to remember regarding the arguments you two get into. It doesn't have anything to do with your being free to express yourself on your blog. It doesn't mean you shouldn't talk about your relationship issues here. And it certainly doesn't mean that anyone should castigate you for what you say here or ask for apologies. You have a right to your opinion and viewpoint.

This too.
Sorry-I was being SPECIFIC to just the topics of issue between the two of you.


Keep in mind-for many of us (Ari I am confident is one) we know more about your relationship with 2rings than YOUR perspective.

Believe me,

the reason that I brought the topic up and said that you needed to tell him he is NOT your fucking Dom and is not goign to be-was QUITE fucking permanent to him.

Sorry-I'm SO not trying to be a bitch, but due to what I DO know-it flat fucking pisses me off.

As someone who IS in D/s relationships,
His bullshit regarding how HE is handling that topic is PISSING ME THE FUCK OFF>

He has no business trying to be in charge of, in control of, or in anyway even SUGGESTING what you should do, say, think, feel, want, need etc.

Period.

PERIOD.

PERIOD!


On this particular note-I am vehemently furious so I'm going to bow out-go do my thing today, you know where to find me in PM or email if you need to.

 

[NeonKaos]

LR, one doesn't have to be in a D/s relationship to know that those things are BS. Just like you don't have to be poly to know when a poly person is full of shit.

 

[nycindie]

You will come to realize that a good vibrator gives you a lot less grief than you're getting out of this right now (but take my advice - get a plug-in one, not a battery-operated one).

Mine has a battery but sits on a charger all day and is ready to go. I love that there is no cord in the way. And it's completely waterproof - I can take it into the shower. It's the next wave in vibrator technology. But I digress...


Back on topic!

Kat, you are doing great, just keep working on yourself -- with the goal of developing and strengthening your self-worth, and sense of self, for YOU. Not for him, and not for the marriage. Those elements would be cherries on top of the icing, but the true icing on the cake, what would make your life delicious, is you loving yourself, trusting your choices, feeling well and happy about who you are, without being contingent upon 2Rings's feelings toward you or whether you stay married or not.

Don't look for approval from 2Rings when you feel you've made advances and come a long way. I know it's hard, but he may never approve of you. And if that's the case, it most likely has nothing to do with you as a person, or how you did or did not meet his needs. It may simply be some script he plays out for himself, never to be satisfied with his partner, always having something to find fault with (just guessing here), and always finding reasons to be disappointed or start a fight. You can't try to get your shit together to appease someone else's shit. It won't work -- you have to do it for you.

So keep on keepin' on, girlfriend!

As one of my old bosses used to say, "Don't let the bastards get you down!"

 

[NeonKaos]

Hmmm... I've never been a big fan of masturbating in the shower or bath because the water washes away any lubrication, natural or otherwise... But it's good to know that there is a water-proof vibrator on the market for those who do like it in water.

 

[nycindie]

Hmmm... I've never been a big fan of masturbating in the shower or bath because the water washes away any lubrication, natural or otherwise... But it's good to know that there is a water-proof vibrator on the market for those who do like it in water.

Well, it also makes cleaning it easier.

 

[LovingRadiance]

LR, one doesn't have to be in a D/s relationship to know that those things are BS. Just like you don't have to be poly to know when a poly person is full of shit.

I know Neon, that wasn't really what I meant. I just re-read what I wrote in my fury (which I'm not taking back now that I'm calm-cause I still meant it) and realised how many spelling and grammatical errors I left.
EEK.

What I meant was-as someone who DOES have D/s relationships, hearing someone who DOES NOT have one act like they can boss someone who HAS NOT agreed to be their "little bitch", "boi", "slave", "sub" etc... just INFURIATES me.

That put together with the rest of the shit I know about 2rings through his own postings and the two ladies blogs.

I've concluded-all I can comment on from here on out is supporting you (Kat) in being a better person for yourself.
Not your relationship-because my advice, is not what you want to hear.
THAT is perfectly ok. I can TOTALLY respect that-and I can give you advice that would be much more helpful and appreciated, if I just avoid commenting on the 2rings end of things.


ANYWAY!!!!!

Good job identifying your strengths and weaknesses this week! Keep at it!

 

[vodkafan]

Hmmm... I've never been a big fan of masturbating in the shower or bath because the water washes away any lubrication, natural or otherwise... But it's good to know that there is a water-proof vibrator on the market for those who do like it in water.

Bloody hell you girls like to live dangerous..Mains Electricity + water? Inside you at that? You have a lot of faith in technology...

 

[BrigidsDaughter]

Bloody hell you girls like to live dangerous..Mains Electricity + water? Inside you at that? You have a lot of faith in technology...

lol. I don't know about living dangerously.... I've never thought that using a vibrator in the tub would be dangerous, though I only own waterproof, battery operated ones.

Kat, I agree with everyone else; change for you, not for him.

 

[nycindie]

Bloody hell you girls like to live dangerous..Mains Electricity + water? Inside you at that? You have a lot of faith in technology...

lol. I don't know about living dangerously.... I've never thought that using a vibrator in the tub would be dangerous, though I only own waterproof, battery operated ones.

LOL, I had to look up the term "Mains Electricity." No, I'd never bring a plug-in vibe to the tub! Egads! Mine is not the kind of vibe that gets inserted, has a completely concealed battery, and the contacts that sit on the charger are safe and made to get wet. It's awesome! Here it is:

 

[KatTails]

And now - back to our regularly schedule show!!

Just kidding - I love all this vibrator talk. It's great especially because I'm sex-deprived and HORNY!!!

I wrote a long post responding to everyone - then accidentally deleted it. I don't have the time now to type it all again. So I'll try to respond later.

Let me just say that I DO appreciate everyone's advice and comments. We are all human. We all make mistakes - some of us more than others. I have flipped out, thrown things, punched and pushed 2rings, said hurtful things about him and MG, snooped in his phone (texts and pictures,) and his "overnight" bag, sent both of them nasty texts and I'm sure there are things I can't even think about right now. I have messed up, big time, over and over. But I'm human. And deep down, I am a good person. I am (other than recently) a good wife, and I am a great Mother.

2rings is also human and he has also made mistakes. He's already been dragged through the mud on here so I'm not going to say anymore. The things I have already said have hurt him deeply. I'm not sorry for speaking my mind and expressing my feelings. But I am deeply sorry for causing him pain. I could see it in his eyes yesterday and it broke my heart. He is human too. And deep down - he is a good person too. He is (other than recently) a great husband and he is a great, albeit strict, Dad.

But neither one of us is evil, neither one of us is a bad person. We are two humans who have made A LOT of mistakes and who have a lot of changes to make.

We have equally hurt each other. We have both caused damage to our marriage. It is going to take BOTH of us to fix it. Under the resentment, contemt, distrust, caustic words and accusations - we DO love each other, very much! I'm choosing to put everything that has happened in the past and leave it there. Dredging up past hurts does nothing to help our future.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••
Today - I spent the whole day on a RiverQuest fieldtrip with my daughters class. It was cold and wet but it was nice spending the day with her! Tonight, I am on a date with my son. Dinner at Olive Garden then off to a movie. 2rings and our daughter are also having a date night. They are going to dinner, then to see MG's daughter in her high school musical. I'm hoping to sit down and start fixing things with 2rings after the kids are in bed. We owe it to our kids, to ourselves and to each other, to become a family again.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Let the vibrator talk continue . . .

 

[SNeacail]

We have equally hurt each other. We have both caused damage to our marriage. It is going to take BOTH of us to fix it. Under the resentment, contemt, distrust, caustic words and accusations - we DO love each other, very much! I'm choosing to put everything that has happened in the past and leave it there. Dredging up past hurts does nothing to help our future.

Putting the past behind you is definitely helpful, but also extremely hard. The first time I suggested this to my husband he said "I don't think I can do that", talk about hurtful. He did come around, but we have to keep reminding each other that we agreed to stay out of the past. See if you can come up with some kind of signal that each of you can use and will recognize as a warning that one or both of you have entered territory you promised not to go. You almost have to treat it as if you are communicating with someone you just met, which in essence is true. No assumptions of any kind!! I'm still getting myself in trouble when I make assumptions based on his tone of voice.

I really think this is a good place to start, it has helped my marriage. Are you both seeing the marriage councelor? It is very helpful to have that thrid party that can look at where the communication is breaking down. Really sucks to have a huge arguement and only later realize that you were really both trying to say the same damb thing and neither realized it .

 

[KatTails]

Well - Friday night didn't work out as I had hoped. Neither did Saturday. We are unable to talk without fighting. Sunday was rough - I had a huge meltdown: uncontrollable crying, hyperventilating, physical pain, curled up in a ball, drained, wanting to die, raw. 2rings did his best to calm me down and I know how hard it was for him. But he was there for me anyways - and that means a lot.

I've had 2 people this weekend question whether or not I may be bi-polar. I don't know a lot about bi-polar but I definitely think this is more than depression. I have an appointment with a Psychiatrist on Friday and 2rings is going to come with me to give the Dr. his description of my mood swings etc. I'll speak for myself - but he'll be there for accountability, honesty and his point of view.

Yes - my emotions are heightened because of this situation - but they are blown up out of control and I can't take it any more. I need to get better for myself and for our children. I don't want to feel like this anymore.

I did go for a walk after my meltdown and while it was very hard because I still felt emotionally drained - it did help. It gave me time alone to think and to pull myself together. I felt better after my walk - but still just kind of dragged myself through the rest of the day.

Yesterday was better. We are taking baby steps. We snuggled a little before he had to go back to work. It was nice to touch him, to feel his arms around me and to breath in his scent. I miss that. Of course I wanted more - but was satisfied with the little bit I got. Instead of being sad when he left - I felt grateful.

It took two years to cause all of this damage to our marriage - I can't expect it to fix itself overnight. It's going to take time and a lot of work.

 

[KatTails]

See if you can come up with some kind of signal that each of you can use and will recognize as a warning that one or both of you have entered territory you promised not to go. . . I really think this is a good place to start, it has helped my marriage. Are you both seeing the marriage councelor?

Good idea - it's worth a shot. We start marriage counseling on the 14th. I will also continue to see my own counselor.

 

[NeonKaos]

If you want good feedback from the psychiatrist, he or she should talk to your husband separately without you in the room, instead of or in addition to being there with you. You should also talk to the shrink without your husband present in the room. Body language, tone of voice, those kinds of things are affected when 2 people are near each other or not. You would be doing yourself a disservice to do otherwise.

This may seem obvious and m,aybe you already planned to do things this way, but I didn't want to let this one go without saying something.

 

[nycindie]

Kat, as a friend of mine says to me, "Put the bat down." It's like I will beat myself up with a baseball bat. I say that because you so often take all the burden and paint yourself as unreasonable or hysterical... or that there's something "wrong" with you. Of course, I know how draining it is to go through such a "meltdown," but I don't think it's totally unwarranted in your case. You are in a crisis, your marriage is in a crisis, and both are on the way to healing. You kind of sound like someone with PTSD, and I daresay that what you've been through has been a major trauma. So, I encourage you to be a little more gentle with yourself.

And yes, I hope the shrink you go to will give you both individual time, as well as together time to see how you interact with each other.

 

[Carma]

If you do some research on bi-polar you will see that there are manic upswings too -- and I don't see many of those for you lately! Although there is I and II, which have varying cycles and other particular distinctions. There's a lot of gray area in the diagnosis -- and the theories in general, even. Hopefully a professional will be of great help to you. I think a lot of your problems are situational, and of course every woman has hormonal shifts to consider. Keep an open mind and don't be too quick to pathologize your behavior. You're going thru a lot, friend.

I'm glad you each had time with the kids, that keeps it all in perspective, I think.

 

[KatTails]

If you want good feedback from the psychiatrist, he or she should talk to your husband separately without you in the room, instead of or in addition to being there with you. You should also talk to the shrink without your husband present in the room.. . . This may seem obvious and m,aybe you already planned to do things this way, but I didn't want to let this one go without saying something.

Actually, no it wasn't obvious. I assumed we would go in together - but I do see your point. Makes sense. Thanks.

Of course, I know how draining it is to go through such a "meltdown," but I don't think it's totally unwarranted in your case. You are in a crisis, your marriage is in a crisis, and both are on the way to healing. So, I encourage you to be a little more gentle with your self.

I'm trying.

 

[sage]

Hi KT
Sorry to hear about your meltdown, big hugs.

I know a fair bit about bi-polar disorder as I suppose theoretically I have it. Does one ever not have it after diagnosis? That I don't know. I believe I have healed myself (no episodes in 7 years) and no medication but there is always the chance of a flare-up if I become stressed enough for a sustained period I suppose.

The definition seems to have grown wider now. When I was diagnosed 15 years ago you had to have had 2 psychotic episodes, i.e be in la la land. Having said that they had me on lithium pretty quickly after just one; mind you I did try and jump out of a car on a freeway.

Carma is right about the upswings but everyone seems to experience it differently. I had huge upswings but had learned to live so well with the depression that I no longer even noticed it. You may find that your upswings are just when you're positive and motivated and the depression is much more of a problem. Who knows. I had to learn a lot about the disorder because the professionals seemed to know so little (at the time, it may have improved).
I believe bi-polar is a continuum and can be mixed up with a lot of different things.

The saddest thing is that whatever it is I think it's due to your current situation and that for you and 2rings is going to be the hardest thing of all to hear. I healed my bi-polar disorder by leaving my marriage but I had to get medication first that I could rely on to hold me through the stress of actually doing it. It was a terrifying thing to do and I only could do it because I was on a medically controlled high at the time.

The difference between you and me is that I wanted to leave but couldn't because I couldn't trust my mental state under stress. I know you want to make your relationship work and maybe you can but before you can do anything you have to be well and I hope the shrink can help you with this. Keep us posted, we all care about you very much.

 

[KatTails]

When I was diagnosed 15 years ago you had to have had 2 psychotic episodes, i.e be in la la land. Having said that they had me on lithium pretty quickly after just one; mind you I did try and jump out of a car on a freeway.

Oh man Sage - how scary! I haven't tried - but I have certainly thought about it. I wanted to hurt myself on Sunday and thought of how - but could never, would never because of my children. I know the desperation you must have been feeling.

The saddest thing is that whatever it is I think it's due to your current situation and that for you and 2rings is going to be the hardest thing of all to hear. I healed my bi-polar disorder by leaving my marriage but I had to get medication first that I could rely on to hold me through the stress of actually doing it. It was a terrifying thing to do and I only could do it because I was on a medically controlled high at the time.

The difference between you and me is that I wanted to leave but couldn't because I couldn't trust my mental state under stress. I know you want to make your relationship work and maybe you can but before you can do anything you have to be well and I hope the shrink can help you with this.

I think I've always had depression - even as a child (although mildly) but it most definitely has been exacerbated by this situation. I do not have high highs - but I do have extremely low lows. I think my high is when I am motivated and positive (as crazy as that sounds.) I go through periods of crazy, depressed insanity - to clear, responsible, calmness. There are times where I can see things clearly and reason things out - to completely out of my mind with jealousy, hopelessness etc.

We'll see what she says on Friday. Im also going to ask her about the ADD that LR suggested. I might be grasping at straws - but having a diagnosis would at least get me the help I need.

Keep us posted, we all care about you very much.

Thank you - that means a lot to me!!