KT's Blog

Karma - you are way out of line! My fucking life is crashing around me - I really don't need your nastiness. I have spent the last 6 days figuring out if I should end my 15 year marriage to my best friend, uproot my children, hurt and disappoint our families. The last thing I've worried about is updating my post. I do have a life outside of this site - and had a lot of stuff going on this week. You are obviously on MG's side - and that's fine. But you don't know everything that is going on, you dont know me and you have no right to say that I am just looking for attention. How many times have you and Mo come on here with problems, anger, drama? We all have ups and downs. I've been nothing but honest about my feelings not for attention but to find support and advice.

You don't like me - fine. Stop reading and responding to my blog because I have enough upsetting shit going on in my life. I don't need you adding to it.

As for the story of what is going on - after I am done running around with my kids, helping with homework, packing lunches and getting them to bed - I will respond.

Kat
 
Just a thought : Regardless of sides, and who is right and who is wrong,...I dont think it`s right to add more stress to such a tough situation for them all.

This affects children. Snapping judgements at any of them, about this, only makes it harder for the parents to cope. Which in turn, makes it harder for the kids to cope.

Every little bit helps or hurts during tough times.
 
It's late and I've had a crappy day - so I will try to make this brief.

First of all - sorry for assuming that you all knew what was going on. I was posting this during a break at work and didn't have a lot of time to get into details. I was going to elaborate - but wanted to wait until I could sit with my laptop and get my thoughts out. Posting on my phone is somewhat difficult. I've been stressed, crying, depressed, withdrawn and numb the last few days and I just didn't have it in me last night or earlier today to post. I was not avoiding - I was waiting until I could calm down and express my feelings.

The last two weeks have been tumultuous to say the least. I don't think we have ever had such a rough patch last this long. At the height of the fighting - MG overstepped my boundaries and I decided I had enough. I took off my rings, stayed the night at a hotel and told my husband I wanted a divorce. I'm simply just tired of my needs being ignored and our marriage not being put first and foremost in 2rings priorities.

I didn't ask for this. I didn't want this. For 18 months I have done everything I can think of to accept this. In exchange for him having a relationship outside of our marriage, I have asked for certain parameters. One major one being that I did not want MG to meet our friends and family. I gave in one time thinking that would satisfy her. But I quickly learned that if you gave MG an inch, she would take a mile. Meeting our friends wasn't enough - she went one step further and set out to befriend them. Last week, when things were probably at their worst - she accepted an invitation by 2rings best friends wife to a dinner that she (MG) knew 2rings and I would be at. She did not ask him first what he tought or if it would be ok with him. She did not think how I would feel sitting at dinner with her and her husband considering the fights that her and I had been having. She knew my feelings about meeting friends and family - but she pushed forward like a battering ram not caring who she hurt in the process.

I read on here all the time how the primary relationship (in this case marriage) should come first and needs to be respected by the secondary. I doubt any wife would be ok with a girlfriend forcing her way into their lives. THEY have a relationship, her and I don't. Her coming to a dinner with people she has met one time in 5 months, and that I have known for 20 years was overstepping, insensitive, overbearing and disrespectful. I'm sick of it. I'm not going out and making friends with her friends or forcing my way into her life. 2rings is not forcing his way into MG's husbands life. She is forcing her way into mine - and I'm sick and tired of my feelings being ignored and belittled.

For six days I have not worn my wedding ring, we have not slept in the same bed and we have barely talked. This is affecting all of us - including our children. They know we are fighting, they know I stayed at a hotel Friday night and they know I'm not wearing my wedding rings. 2rings made his choice to have a girlfriend and I was making my choice to not accept it. I was walking away. I was letting him go.

This week has been the worst of our marriage. This is not me being dramatic. This is not me seeking attention. This is me trying to decide what is best for me and what is best for our children. If we didn't have kids, though I love my husband with all of my heart, I wouldn't be here. This is too painful for me. I don't see this through the eyes of a polyamorous person. I see this through the eyes of a mono-wife. I appreciate that my husband has never cheated on me and has been nothing but honest - but the pain I feel is still the same as if he did cheat.

2rings and MG broke up two days ago. Not to save our marriage. Not because this was causing me so much pain - but for the kids, his family and his friends. He blames me, he hates me, he resents me. He said I forced him into breaking up with her. I took that choice away from him - I was leaving him so that he could stay in a relationship with MG. He has said again and again that he doesn't want a divorce. Neither do I but I refuse to go on the way things are. This is my life too and I have a right to say who is in my life. I don't have to be friends with anyone that I don't want to.

I don't know what will happen. I haven't decided what to do. I want to stay married but I won't accept MG in my life. If I get what I want, I hurt my husband. If he gets what he wants, he hurts me. Is there a happy medium? Is there a compromise? I don't know. The future they want, is not the future I want. So why not end things now instead of stretching this out?

I have a lot to think about. Thank you to everyone who has contacted me with support. Thank you especially to two women: one who talked to me on the phone for 2 1/2 hours Friday night and the other one who has my back and is showing me understanding and support. I won't say names - they know who they are! I appreciate it!

To people who think I am whiny, dramatic and seeking attention - until you are in a persons shoes you cannot and should not judge. I have not judged a single person on here for their feelings, lifestyle, beliefs or opinions. I hoped not to be judged - but I have been. You don't like me - you have that right. But you don't have the right to come on here and kick me when I'm down or to criticize the emotions that I am feeling about a situation I never wanted to be in and that I am trying to accept in order to make my husband happy. I have no problem with anyone suggesting I look at things a different way, or try a different approach - but I don't need nastiness, sarcasm and criticism. Take it somewhere else.

I hope this cleared some things up - if not, please email me at [email protected] and I will answer any questions. I'm not sure how much I am going to be on this site - so I may miss PM's.

Kat
 
That sounds like a pretty bad situation :( mono-poly relationships can definitely be messy. I don't know what the right "solution" is but I hope you'll all be better with time.
 
Kat I'm so sorry you are going through this. I would be willing to bet that most of the problems between you and your husband have been simmering for years. Resentments building and it all just escalated and came to blows when someone your percieved as a threat was introduced. Very likely because you knew that this person did pose a threat based the fact that your relationship with your husband was not as strong as everyone, including the two of you pretended.

Your husband seems to have a lot of anger at you right now. Find out the truth behind this and things may begin to heal. I'd guess that MG and his relationship with her is just a convienent scapegoat for far bigger issues that have been ignored for years.

My husband and I are in what I am dubbing a year of re-discovery. 3 months ago, I had divorce papers ready to sign. We started marriage counceling and discovered nearly 18 years of resentments and issues that we had never delt with. I also discovered that my husband sometimes has his own definitions for words that don't match mine, so while I thought I was communicating one thing, he was hearing something else. Not to mention he is just a lousy communicator to begin with.

I am happier now than I have been in a long time and he is too. If he came to me today and asked if he could have a girlfriend, I would willingly agree and be happy for him (not to say there wouldn't be drama, I'm sure there would be), but 3 months ago, I would have walked those divorce papers into the court house the next day.

Good Luck! The road ahead will not be easy and full of ups and downs.
 
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I hope you see this.

((((((((((((((((((((((KatTAils))))))))))))))))))))))

I am at a loss for words so that is all.
 
As SJ said - it is important that the children's needs come first. Whatever happens, they need to be sure that both of their parents love them the most. I don't have children, but I have been someone's child, and I was very relieved when my parents got divorced because I could sense they were growing apart and it didn't seem fair to ME that they should stay together if they weren't happy. Actually, my father was happy but my mother wasn't, so that made things even more complicated. I don't want to make this all about me, but can I please recommend that you both sit down with your kids, in all possible combinations (you alone with both of them, 2R alone with both of them, one-on-one, and all four of you together), and make sure they get all their questions answered. The worst thing you can do is lie to or hide things from your kids. Even though you think they're still kind of young for this, they really are not; they understand more than you think. You can't put the genie back in the bottle, so you have to deal with the genie.
 
Ok, it's time for me to say my bit on this thread. I have followed this threads ups and downs and here's where I stand on all of this -While this forum can be, and is, a useful tool for many, it is not good for KT. Her depressive/negative personality and a tendency towards drama make this forum, for her, like a liquor store to an alcoholic.
Self destruction is within easy reach in all directions.
For her, this forum has become an orgy of anger, self pity, and negativity. She has recieved some good advice and support here, but as long as her focus is on the negative, good advice is wasted. It wouldn't matter if Buddah, Jesus and Dr. Drew were responding to her thread, she's not hearing it.
Like many others on this site, our problems are sensitive and sometimes complex. However, none of them are insurmountable. Most are issues that existed before MG but were exacerbated by our entry into polyamory. A few cropped up within the last 18 months.
None will be solved by talking about them again and again and again.
That is nothing more than mental masturbation, and it only widens the gap that has opened between myself and KT.
If we are to heal our relationship, we need actions, not empty words.
KT will have to stop with all of the ''was/should have been/should be/can't be'' and accept the reality of our circumstances.
That reality is - I am in love with MG. I do want her to participate fully in my life, and those feelings, no, needs, aren't going away no matter how much KT cries, screams or threatens.
The other side of that reality is - Despite all of the misery and craziness, my love for KT has never wavered. I want her to stay with me. More than that, I want her to be happy that she did. We had a loving marriage before this drama, and I see no reason why the drama can't be pushed aside, allowing us to continue that.
We have every reason to expect that things could be good again. We have two wonderful children that I am completely committed to raising with KT, and I believe that when our heads are in the right place, we make a pretty good team in parenting. Though it's nothing out of the ordinary, we have worked hard to get where we are in life. We have a decent home and good jobs, our kids attend a nice private school and we rarely deny ourselves recreation, leasure or toys. But more important than any of the material things, we have love.
And with a different attitude applied, life could be sweet.

But if you've read this thread, you know that my marriage to KT is in deep trouble. About a month ago, it was as if a switch was flipped in KT, and she has been in a constant rage ever since. It has been devastating to our relationship. Anger, resentment, distrust, and negativity have put distance between us. We no longer sleep in the same room, and excepting matters pertaining to our children, we don't speak. When we do speak, it is an argument. Our relationship is disolving very quickly. We are fast approaching the tipping point where divorcing would be less harmful to our children than staying together even though divorce would be a disaster for us in every way. We would suffer emotionally, our children and families would be hurt, and we'd be much worse off financially.
I have desperately tried to make things better between us, but I can't make KT happy if she doesn't want happiness, and unfortunately, I am starting to believe that that is the case. Sometimes I feel hopeless. But she has recently started sessions with a new counselor and has been prescribed a new anti-depressant, so I will hang on and I will wait and see. It is too early to expect any changes as a result of either.
In the meantime I will do what I can to make things better. I will support any effort she makes to pull herself out of depression and negativity. I will always be honest and loyal to her. I will keep our kids needs at the forefront. I will always listen and be the best husband that I can be. And I will, without reservation, always love her.
KT, MG, and I have all made missteps in the last 18 months. And as long as we are all human, we will continue to make mistakes from time to time. What has to be remembered is, little mistakes don't have to become big problems. Insensitivity isn't the same as cruelty. Give yourself a break- forgiving and forgetting helps you more than it'll ever help the one who offended.
I am hoping that KT sees this post post as the the positive message that it was intended to be, and that, instead of making a snappy comeback, she rereads some of the advice that has been offered and takes positive action.
 
Great advice Neon. GREAT advice.
Kids live in the same homes we do-they experience the same situations we do.
They deserve to be free to talk about those situations, just as we do.
;)

KT-

The nature of humans is to understand only what we have encountered ourselves.
MANY of us here do understand where you are coming from in one aspect or another.
But the ones who don't-can't.
It may seem to be a personal attack on you-but generally it's not.

I've had my fair share of people on the board being sarcastic or smartmouthed with me, caustic even because they simply couldn't understand what it was I was trying to communicate.

Brush it off as a moment of bad communication and move on.

As far as the dynamic between all of you on the home front;
Just as there are things that you can not understand from a poly-view because you are mono; there are things that MG can not possibly understand from a mono-view because she's poly.

It hurts; yes, such is the nature of life.
But, just as I said with the board; it's generally NOT personal. It just feels that way.

I don't say this as a "side-taker".
I have no side.
It matters not in the big scheme what "side" wins-because no matter what, you all lose unless you ALL make peace with one another.
That doesn't mean you decide to be sexually involved with one another or even AROUND each other; it just means to make PEACE with one another.

I know you are hurting and right now you probably just want to lash out-God knows I've had those moments more often than I can count! But truly-for your own self, somewhere inside you need to find the inner peace that you can go to and retrieve at will. The place where you are safe and secure IN YOURSELF without the help of anyone else. (you all do actually)

And take Neon's advice for the kids. You'd be amazed how much they probably WANT to say-and ARE saying to their friends, but don't feel that they can say to mom and dad.

Our now 10 year old had a WORLD of words at age 2 when Maca tried to separate GG from the family permanently. A world of words. He needed to be free to express them and as amazing and unexpected as they were, we needed to hear them as well.

Hugs to you all...
 
Hi KT, I just wanted to thank you. I really appreciate that you have taken the time to write here. You didn't have to. You owe none of us anything yet you have consistently kept at it and told us how you feel throughout your whole process.

You are not alone KT. There are SO many mono people struggling to understand their poly partners. Most aren't as open and honest as 2rings has been. You have every right to feel as you do as does everyone. It has been a very brave thing for you to write about it on a poly forum! I would never consider writing on a monogamy forum!

Thank you for helping me understand what it might be like to be monogamous.

As to the kids. If it were my boy I would be talking to him. Telling him what is going on and asking him how he is doing. One advantage to teaching him how to communicate is that he can and does. He welcomes the chance to be empathetic and to share his feelings. After all it is his mum and dad that we would be talking about. He sometimes has insight from out side of us that I would never of thought about! Stuff that others would either not say because adults consider it rude to be honest, or stuff that only someone close to us would say.
 
Update

I have been following all of the talk, concern, criticisms, support etc about our situatuation with feelings of appreciation, hurt, anger and guilt. I feel bad that our situation has touched so many people in a negative way. I'm sorry. As a lot of people have said - there are 3 people involved in this and therfore 3 different perspectives, stories and opinions. And we are people - we all have children, jobs, families and friends who this is ultimately affecting. We have all made mistakes, we have all been selfish and this week, we were all hurting.

I have made many mistakes. My first mistakes was agreeing to 2rings and MG having sex in the first place. If I would have stuck to my "no" - he would have honored that - I have no doubt. He is a good man, husband and father - despite how he has come across on here. Throughout the last 18 months, I have been hurting, but I have also caused my husband and MG to hurt. I am not innocent. For almost 2 months now, I have had an overwhelming amount of hatred and anger towards MG. 2rings said that it was like a switch was flipped. I have shared my feelings with 2rings and with MG. This week - it got out of control and I purposely did something to get back at and hurt MG. It not only hurt her, it hurt my husband - and while I thought it was justified at the time, I regret it now. 2rings, MG - I am sorry. In a fit of anger, a lack of sleep and frustration - I told 2rings that I maybe I should tell people at work what was going on. I would NEVER have done it, I would NEVER have jeopardized their jobs, their income or their families - it just came out.
2rings told me yesterday that MG has lost sleep over worrying about that - again MG, I'm sorry.

The Kat that has been here for 2 months is NOT the Kat I really am or that I want to be. I am letting this anger and hatred consume me. As my husband said - it is like a fire storm. It is brewing and bubbling inside of me and feeding itself. I am harming myself with this hatred more than I am MG. It has made me a very miserable, unhappy, negative person. I have been trying to hold on to my husband, and instead I have pushed him away and made him doubt who his wife is. In hating MG - I have hurt and lost the trust of my best friend. His trust and faith means more to me than anything. I've lost that.

I have spent this week trying to decide if I will ever be able to accept my husband having a relationship with MG or if it would be better for us to divorce. I have mentally made plans: where would we move? can we afford it? who would get custody? how would this affect our kids? what do we tell our families? I have pictured myself living alone, splitting custody of the kids, sleeping alone everynight, not having his arms around me at night, not having my best friend to talk to . . . I can't do it. I can't live without him. I don't want to live without him!

We had a huge, intense fight on Friday. It scared me to see what we had become and how nasty and hurtful we were being to each other. He left the house with the kids for a while - and I laid in bed and cried. He came home that night and for the first time in a week slept in our bed and held me all night. No talking, no fighting - just loving. Yesterday, we had a long, serious, honest talk. We both agreed that divorcing would be devastating - to us, to our children and to our families. We still love each other very deeply and want to raise our children together and give them a happy home. They deserve that. 2rings told me that he is still fully committed to me for a lifetime. He wants to be my husband, best friend, my support and my provider.

He does love MG and needs her in his life. In order to have him in mine - I have to come to terms with her being in his too. I have to get rid of my anger and hatred towards her. I have to start forgiving and trusting her. We don't have to be friends - but we have to be civil with each other and stop all the cattiness. I have to find a way to make this work.

I still have wants, needs and boundaries and I hope that they can both understand and honor them. MG needs to understand that I did not ask for this, that I have given up a lot and that I deserve to have some peace of mind and space.

I said earlier that my husband said that 2 months ago it was like a switch was flipped and my anger and hatred came out of no where. About that time I started a new medication for my depression and anxiety. It occurred to me yesterday that that might be the cause of my sudden mood swing. I went off of that medicine today and will see if that seems to help.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what mine and MG's relationship is going to be like. Right now I am focusing on our marriage and building back our connection, communication and trust. It isn't going to be easy - but we are both committed to making this the best marriage that it can be. I have hope.

Thank you for all of the support and advice and again, I am truly sorry that this has worried and affected so many people. This week was the worst that we have had. We hit rock bottom and now have to find a way to work our way back up.

I have already made some steps to do that. I have a lot of issues that I need to work on: personally, emotionally, physically and socially. I am overwhelmed with the amount of change that I need to go through - so I am going to take baby steps and work on one thing at a time. I will keep people updated. I will not come on here again to complain about MG. I will use this site as a place for finding acceptance and understanding and not as a place to vent or complain.

Again - thank you and sorry!

Kat
 
I haven't been following your whole story, since I'm fairly new here. Just wanted to let all three of you know that I really, really hope everything works out.

It takes a lot to admit you were wrong, and there's almost always wrongdoing on all sides in a fight. That was really brave.

And yes - new medications can really, really screw up your moods. A combination of off-brand antidepressants and cold medicine took my anxiety attacks to a whole new level, at one point. It is not at all unlikely that it affected your mood, especially if it was a SSRI medication.
Your doctor should be able to help with that.

If this is rock-bottom, the only way you can go from here is up. :) Good luck and hugs to all three of you.
 
Cricket - thank you. Admitting that you were wrong and hurt people isn't an easy thing - but for me, it is part of the healing process. And I did check and the medicine I was on, Celexa, is a SSRI. It's not an excuse - but it does explain where this sudden anger and hatred came from. It's always been here - but it was not as strong and overwhelming as it has been the last two months. This is day 2 of being off of it - and I feel better. I still have negative feelings about MG - but I can control them now and I'm not letting them consume me.


2rings brothers wife is having their baby today and we are looking forward to this special time as a family. It is things like this that will bring us together and make us realize that staying together is the right thing to do - for us, our children and our families. For the first time in a long time I feel happy, content and opptimistic!


:)Kat
 
redpepper said:
Hi KT, I just wanted to thank you. I really appreciate that you have taken the time to write here. You didn't have to. You owe none of us anything yet you have consistently kept at it and told us how you feel throughout your whole process.

You are not alone KT. There are SO many mono people struggling to understand their poly partners. Most aren't as open and honest as 2rings has been. You have every right to feel as you do as does everyone. It has been a very brave thing for you to write about it on a poly forum! I would never consider writing on a monogamy forum!

Thank you for helping me understand what it might be like to be monogamous.

As to the kids. If it were my boy I would be talking to him. Telling him what is going on and asking him how he is doing. One advantage to teaching him how to communicate is that he can and does. He welcomes the chance to be empathetic and to share his feelings. After all it is his mum and dad that we would be talking about. He sometimes has insight from out side of us that I would never of thought about! Stuff that others would either not say because adults consider it rude to be honest, or stuff that only someone close to us would say.
Click to expand...

Thank you RP! I have tried to be open and honest so that I can get advice and help. Some people see my posts as whiny, dramatic and negative. It is what it is. I feel how I feel. My poly experience is no one elses poly experience. Right or wrong - I am intrinsically mono -minded and that's how I view things. Some people, while they may not understand, can at least acknowledge my right to think and feel that way. Just like I may not understand the poly pov - I accept peoples right to think and feel that way.

You and LR - more than anyone else on here, have helped me understand poly a little better. Thank you!

As for our children - I am sure that they know more than we realize. We have decided not to have that talk with them right now - but we are working together to make sure that our kids don't see us fighting and see us being loving and affectionate with each other. We want them to know that we are still very much in love and that their family and their futures are safe and secure and that they are our priority and they are loved.


We'll cross that other bridge (talking to them about MG) if/when we come to it.

Thanks again!!

Kat
 
KatTails said:
As for our children - I am sure that they know more than we realize. We have decided not to have that talk with them right now - but we are working together to make sure that our kids don't see us fighting and see us being loving and affectionate with each other. We want them to know that we are still very much in love and that their family and their futures are safe and secure and that they are our priority and they are loved.
Click to expand...

I think NOT talking to your kids about what has been happening within their home and between the two of you is a bad decission. I think you both would be surprised by what the kids have observed and their opinions on it. I'm not suggesting offering information you don't want to introduce, but definitely talk with your kids. Let them ask the questions and you guys provide the answers.
 
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