SNeacail
New member
This statement says a great deal. To me, it indicates that a great deal of his "misery" started long before MG was ever in the picture.
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This statement says a great deal. To me, it indicates that a great deal of his "misery" started long before MG was ever in the picture.
KatTails
New member
Exactly. His "misery" has apparently always been me. When this first started 2 years ago - he told her our marriage was good, secure, stabile. Sure - we had problems just like any marriage - but that he was committed to me forever. I have always been shy, introverted, slightly depressed, self conscious . . . " but those have all DRASTICALLY gotten worse since MG entered his life. He fell in love with her because she is the exact opposite of me in every way. So the person I am, the person he fell in love with, proposed to, married, had children with, built a life and future with - is no longer who he wants anymore. He wants me to be someone completely different, someone more like MG.
I'm his misery. I want him to be happy - so I'm letting him go.
SourGirl
Member
What you typed, made me think of the meaning of a vicious circle, or vicious cycle.
Virtuous or vicious circle
' A virtuous circle or a vicious circle (also referred to as virtuous cycle or vicious cycle) is a complex of events that reinforces itself through a feedback loop. A virtuous circle has favorable results, and a vicious circle has detrimental results. A virtuous circle can transform into a vicious circle if eventual negative feedback is ignored.
Both circles are complexes of events with no tendency towards equilibrium (at least in the short run). Both systems of events have feedback loops in which each iteration of the cycle reinforces the first (positive feedback). These cycles will continue in the direction of their momentum until an external factor intervenes and breaks the cycle. '
I used 'bold' for the part that really stuck out at me. From everything I have read, you need to be out of this vicious circle.
Hugs.
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Kat, you say over and over that you "love 2Rings". Has it ever occurred to you, or has a therapist ever mentioned to you, that maybe he is NOT the 2Rings you fell in love with? That he is now a DIFFERENT 2Rings, and the "love" you feel is for the IDEA of what he ONCE was but is not any longer?
I think you love something that no longer exists.
I think you love something that no longer exists.
opalescent
Active member
You are NOT his misery
I have not read your blog all the way back to the beginning so forgive me if I write something already addressed.
You are not his misery. That is bullshit. You are not responsible for his unhappiness. Don't take on that burden. It's not yours to carry.
People can change dramatically for no apparent reason sometimes. It is so bewildering when this happens because people around them are suddenly left with someone they don't know or understand. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. But your very existence did not cause this - something deep within your husband did.
Let him go because it seems like that point in your relationship has been reached. I know this is not your choice but assuming a martyr's stance will be toxic to you, and you alone. Your husband and MG will not care. That's the vicious truth about martyrdom - if the intended audience doesn't give a shit, then the only one hurting is the martyr.
I know you are in such pain. And I've been blunt and even harsh. Feel completely free to tell me I don't know anything - because that is totally possible. But I hope you give a bit of thought to what I've written.
I have not read your blog all the way back to the beginning so forgive me if I write something already addressed.
You are not his misery. That is bullshit. You are not responsible for his unhappiness. Don't take on that burden. It's not yours to carry.
People can change dramatically for no apparent reason sometimes. It is so bewildering when this happens because people around them are suddenly left with someone they don't know or understand. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. But your very existence did not cause this - something deep within your husband did.
Let him go because it seems like that point in your relationship has been reached. I know this is not your choice but assuming a martyr's stance will be toxic to you, and you alone. Your husband and MG will not care. That's the vicious truth about martyrdom - if the intended audience doesn't give a shit, then the only one hurting is the martyr.
I know you are in such pain. And I've been blunt and even harsh. Feel completely free to tell me I don't know anything - because that is totally possible. But I hope you give a bit of thought to what I've written.
I wanted to pitch in because your latest post reminded me of my own situation. First let me explain why:
After I decided to break up with Raga, he wanted to see a marriage counselor and took an appointment. I should have been gone a month before the appointment, but I was delayed due to pet issues (my cat needed more shots, and to wait for a month after them), so the day went by and I went with him.
The counselor, at some point, said he didn't see any hope in the relationship unless I broke up with Seamus to focus on my relationship with Raga. I made a comment very close to what 2ring said, which basically went "why would I stop a healthy relationship for the sake of an unhealthy one?". For me, it didn't make sense.
But that's not because Raga was causing me pain. It had nothing to do with him. It wasn't about choosing Seamus over Raga either. I took the two relationships as individual. I would have kept both if both worked, or ended both if neither did. At no point did I see it as "pick one". (Even more so in my case since breaking up with Raga actually makes it harder to be with Seamus, but that point might not be true for everyone in my situation).
I don't know if it is the same here. But the way I felt when the counselor told me that, I just was floored that someone would suggest it. Because I knew for sure that not only would that not help my relationship with Raga, but it would add my mourning another relationship, and resenting him from asking me to do that, to the issues we already had (and which had already been bad enough to warrant a break-up). And I strongly believe it wouldn't have helped us in a million years.
I'm not sure if I'm helping at all, but what I'm trying to say here is, if it's anything like it was for me (and although our situations are different, that sentence rings a bell to me), it's really not about you, not about picking her over you, it's about looking at both relationships and seeing that one of them isn't working.
And I don't believe it's necessary a purely poly thing. I think it's possible that for whatever reasons the relationship has run its course, and if it's the case I'm really sorry about it, but it's important that you know it's not about you, that you're not anyone's misery, and that you need to stand up for yourself and know that you're worth finding happiness in whatever way.
I just really don't want you to blame yourself or think you weren't good enough or think she's better than you or anything like that. Because I know in my case none of that is true of Raga. He's a wonderful person, and he deserves to be happy, and I never meant to make him feel inferior to anyone. And I'm sure you are the same, and it's hard to see you hurting like this, so I hope I can at least help you feel less like it's about you, so you can look at yourself and know that it's not anything you did wrong, and that you can go through this and grow stronger and happier.
After I decided to break up with Raga, he wanted to see a marriage counselor and took an appointment. I should have been gone a month before the appointment, but I was delayed due to pet issues (my cat needed more shots, and to wait for a month after them), so the day went by and I went with him.
The counselor, at some point, said he didn't see any hope in the relationship unless I broke up with Seamus to focus on my relationship with Raga. I made a comment very close to what 2ring said, which basically went "why would I stop a healthy relationship for the sake of an unhealthy one?". For me, it didn't make sense.
But that's not because Raga was causing me pain. It had nothing to do with him. It wasn't about choosing Seamus over Raga either. I took the two relationships as individual. I would have kept both if both worked, or ended both if neither did. At no point did I see it as "pick one". (Even more so in my case since breaking up with Raga actually makes it harder to be with Seamus, but that point might not be true for everyone in my situation).
I don't know if it is the same here. But the way I felt when the counselor told me that, I just was floored that someone would suggest it. Because I knew for sure that not only would that not help my relationship with Raga, but it would add my mourning another relationship, and resenting him from asking me to do that, to the issues we already had (and which had already been bad enough to warrant a break-up). And I strongly believe it wouldn't have helped us in a million years.
I'm not sure if I'm helping at all, but what I'm trying to say here is, if it's anything like it was for me (and although our situations are different, that sentence rings a bell to me), it's really not about you, not about picking her over you, it's about looking at both relationships and seeing that one of them isn't working.
And I don't believe it's necessary a purely poly thing. I think it's possible that for whatever reasons the relationship has run its course, and if it's the case I'm really sorry about it, but it's important that you know it's not about you, that you're not anyone's misery, and that you need to stand up for yourself and know that you're worth finding happiness in whatever way.
I just really don't want you to blame yourself or think you weren't good enough or think she's better than you or anything like that. Because I know in my case none of that is true of Raga. He's a wonderful person, and he deserves to be happy, and I never meant to make him feel inferior to anyone. And I'm sure you are the same, and it's hard to see you hurting like this, so I hope I can at least help you feel less like it's about you, so you can look at yourself and know that it's not anything you did wrong, and that you can go through this and grow stronger and happier.
KatTails
New member
I want to thank everyone who has replied to my post in the last few days - it is all greatly appreciated! I don't have the time or energy to reply to each of you individually right now - but know that I have read and reread your posts over and over. A lot of what you all are saying is true and it's given me a lot to think about. I'm going to take a few days off the site so that I can process all of your advice, sort through my feelings and hopefully make some decisions. My feelings are so jumbled up right now. One day I'm telling him to take his wedding ring off because we are done, then the next I'm missing him so much I can hardly breathe.
I need to take time for myself, continue seeing my counselor, go to marriage counseling with my husband, continue exercising and see about changing my medication.
Again - thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time to read my blog, and more importantly, for taking time out of your day to offer me advice, support and encouragement. You guys rock!!
Kat
I need to take time for myself, continue seeing my counselor, go to marriage counseling with my husband, continue exercising and see about changing my medication.
Again - thank you, thank you, thank you for taking the time to read my blog, and more importantly, for taking time out of your day to offer me advice, support and encouragement. You guys rock!!
Kat 
IndieSolo
Active member
Kat, what you are dealing with is difficult, and I know it can be very easy to feel like a wounded animal who has to protect itself from more hurt - but just remember, you will stop feeling victimized when you choose to stop seeing yourself as a victim. Even if there were things that were done that were clearly inconsiderate, hurtful, etc., it's up to you how you react and respond and process everything. In time, you will see there were choices made by both of you that brought you here, and you will be more able to let go of the attachment to your idea of who 2Rings is, who you are in relation to him, and what you think your marriage should have been.
All we ever really have at any given point in time is... this moment. So make the best of it. Wishing it were different will not change anything and will only keep you stuck in the past and in your head.
Go out and meet life with a new, feisty outlook, do what you can to boost your energy, and own what you have and what you will make of it! You have always been your own woman, and don't need validation from anyone or anything else to create the life you deserve, which I can tell you for sure will be much more spectacular than you ever could have dreamed of.
All we ever really have at any given point in time is... this moment. So make the best of it. Wishing it were different will not change anything and will only keep you stuck in the past and in your head.
Go out and meet life with a new, feisty outlook, do what you can to boost your energy, and own what you have and what you will make of it! You have always been your own woman, and don't need validation from anyone or anything else to create the life you deserve, which I can tell you for sure will be much more spectacular than you ever could have dreamed of.
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Morningglory629
New member
Wow! great post nycindie!
IndieSolo
Active member
After I wrote it, I realized this is also something I need to remind myself of daily, if not hourly... or minute by minute sometimes, LOL.
KatTails
New member
nycindie - I know you are right - I just haven't figured it all out yet. Some days I feel strong and independent and other days I'm a sobbing mess because I miss him so much. I am doing more things either by myself or with friends - which I never did before because I didn't want to take time that I could be with him. I have always planned my life around him - but not any more. That's a big step for me!
SNeacail
New member
I am doing more things either by myself or with friends - which I never did before because I didn't want to take time that I could be with him. I have always planned my life around him - but not any more. That's a big step for me!
I think we loose a great deal of ourself when we do this. I am completely guilty of this and still find myself instantly re-arranging my weekends because he informs me of something he is invited to or wants to do. I hate feeling like the bad guy and telling him, he needs to make sure the kids get to all their events and get their homework done, because I am busy on such and such a day. We become the person we THINK they want and burry the person we used to be and now NO one is happy. Being the mom also plays into guilting us that we need to care for everyone else.
Big giant calander on the wall. Mark the days of your events, mark down his events, mark the kids events and don't forget to schedule the days he needs to spend on a date with you.
KatTails
New member
Exactly! I've done this for 20 years - it's a hard habit to break. I always wanted to be available in case he wanted to do something. But - he makes his plans with MG without asking if I had anything planned, and I was always sitting around waiting for him to give me some time. I'm not doing that any longer.
And you're right - the guilty Mom syndrome also plays a part. I'm getting better at doing my own thing and not letting the kids guilt me for having a life. Now that they are a little older - it is getting easier to get out by myself. I'm looking forward to a few things I have planned for this weekend - both by myself, with a friend and with family.
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SourGirl
Member
Yes.Yes.Yes.Yes. x 1000.
Life waits for no one. I understand the self-pressure of motherhood, and wifey-hood. One thing I have always done, is not cave to that self-pressure.
I call it self-pressure for a reason. Many times we do what we think is 'right', so we pressure ourselves. Others around us, do take it for granted eventually, because the wife/mother always offers it. It seems normal. Really, it didnt start out imposed, it started out with women caving to that self-pressure.
If I need space, time, solitude, or to 'do' something, I make plans. I do it, and I stick to it, as long as no one is sick, or distraught somehow. I weigh balance between things, and proceed from there.
It can be very hard to 'allow' yourself to feel entitled to things. No one wants to be the self-absorbed woman who put herself before her family. We are taught ( to a fault) that we put the family first, above all others.
Problem is, most of us take it to far, and NEVER put ourselves first. This then becomes habitual, and leaves us feeling lost in our dependency on others.
I owe my pill-free life, to the fact that I look after myself in these little ways. If you look after yourself mentally, and emotionally, you are then more able to look after yourself physically.
...It is a domino effect.
Good point SNeacail, and good start KatTails ! Keep it up, every little thing counts.
KatTails
New member
This morning I took the Close Relationships Questionnaire/Experiences in Close Relationships-Revised Questionnaire.(http://www.web-research-design.net/cgi-bin/crq/crq.pl)
Here are my results:
"According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 5.38, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 2.00, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).
Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the preoccupied quadrant. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can often interfere with their relationships."
Yup - that pretty much sums it up!
I also took the Love Languages test.
I scored an 11 (37%) for Physical Touch as my Primary Love Language and a 7 (23%) for Quality Time as my Secondary Love Language.
This doesn't surprise me either.
This month long separation with my husband has really made me realize how much physical touch and affection I need. The best way I can describe it is that I am craving his touch. I miss touching him as he passes by, holding his hand in the car, snuggling with him at night and most of all, I miss making love with him. This is the longest we have gone without having sex in a long time. It's driving me crazy! I need his physical touch more than anything.
The last few days have been pretty good. We've been able to do things around the house, errands etc without fighting. On Friday night - we took the kids out for pizza and had a nice time and some laughs. We came home and him and I laid in bed watching a movie. I reached over and held his hand because it was so hard being next to him without that physical connection. It was nice just spending some quiet time together. But - when it was time for bed, he said goodnight and went up to his room. I cried myself to sleep that night.
Saturday night after he came home from work - he helped me fill and hide the kids Easter eggs. Again - it was nice spending some time together and not fighting. Saturday night ended the same as Friday.
Sunday we had a very nice Easter morning with the kids: eating candy, playing the Wii, dancing and laughing. At one point we were sitting on the same couch and I reached over and held his hand again. Its hard because I'm the one whose making all the "moves" - but I understand his reservations. Actually, I can't say I've made all the moves - as he did give me a kiss goodbye before he went to work yesterday - which was a nice surprise. However, he is moving very cautiously and I don't blame him. My negative-mind makes me feel like he's keeping his distance because he doesn't care about me anymore. I want to believe that's not true and that he's just protecting himself - but it's hard sometimes.
But when it comes down to it - he's getting love, sex and affection from someone else, so he's not in need of getting any of that from me. I feel like I'm starving for love and affection and he's satiated with it. And I'm not whining or complaining or trying to make myself a victim - not at all - it just is what it is and I understand that's how it has to be for now.
On another note - I did some things this weekend just for me. Spent some time with my Mom and the kids Thursday, took some time to wine and dine myself Thursday night, went to lunch and a movie (Water for Elephants - LOVED IT!) with my Mom and a friend on Friday, went out shopping by myself on Saturday, and walked and talked with a great friend Sunday night.
Overall I'm doing - ok. I'll take ok because its better than things have been. I'm trying to make some plans for this week and weekend - including (hopefully) a glass class on Thursday.
Hope everyone has a great week!
Kat
Here are my results:
"According to your questionnaire responses, your attachment-related anxiety score is 5.38, on a scale ranging from 1 (low anxiety) to 7 (high anxiety). Your attachment-related avoidance score is 2.00, on a scale ranging from 1 (low avoidance) to 7 (high avoidance).
Combining your anxiety and avoidance scores, you fall into the preoccupied quadrant. Previous research on attachment styles indicates that preoccupied people tend to have highly conflictual relationships. Although they are comfortable expressing their emotions, preoccupied individuals often experience a lot of negative emotions, which can often interfere with their relationships."
Yup - that pretty much sums it up!
I also took the Love Languages test.
I scored an 11 (37%) for Physical Touch as my Primary Love Language and a 7 (23%) for Quality Time as my Secondary Love Language.
This doesn't surprise me either.
This month long separation with my husband has really made me realize how much physical touch and affection I need. The best way I can describe it is that I am craving his touch. I miss touching him as he passes by, holding his hand in the car, snuggling with him at night and most of all, I miss making love with him. This is the longest we have gone without having sex in a long time. It's driving me crazy! I need his physical touch more than anything.
The last few days have been pretty good. We've been able to do things around the house, errands etc without fighting. On Friday night - we took the kids out for pizza and had a nice time and some laughs. We came home and him and I laid in bed watching a movie. I reached over and held his hand because it was so hard being next to him without that physical connection. It was nice just spending some quiet time together. But - when it was time for bed, he said goodnight and went up to his room. I cried myself to sleep that night.
Saturday night after he came home from work - he helped me fill and hide the kids Easter eggs. Again - it was nice spending some time together and not fighting. Saturday night ended the same as Friday.
Sunday we had a very nice Easter morning with the kids: eating candy, playing the Wii, dancing and laughing.
At one point we were sitting on the same couch and I reached over and held his hand again. Its hard because I'm the one whose making all the "moves" - but I understand his reservations. Actually, I can't say I've made all the moves - as he did give me a kiss goodbye before he went to work yesterday - which was a nice surprise. However, he is moving very cautiously and I don't blame him. My negative-mind makes me feel like he's keeping his distance because he doesn't care about me anymore. I want to believe that's not true and that he's just protecting himself - but it's hard sometimes. But when it comes down to it - he's getting love, sex and affection from someone else, so he's not in need of getting any of that from me. I feel like I'm starving for love and affection and he's satiated with it. And I'm not whining or complaining or trying to make myself a victim - not at all - it just is what it is and I understand that's how it has to be for now.
On another note - I did some things this weekend just for me. Spent some time with my Mom and the kids Thursday, took some time to wine and dine myself Thursday night, went to lunch and a movie (Water for Elephants - LOVED IT!) with my Mom and a friend on Friday, went out shopping by myself on Saturday, and walked and talked with a great friend Sunday night.
Overall I'm doing - ok. I'll take ok because its better than things have been. I'm trying to make some plans for this week and weekend - including (hopefully) a glass class on Thursday.
Hope everyone has a great week!
Kat
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LovingRadiance
Active member
Just a quick reminder, because what we say/write/think becomes a little more ingrained as "truth" in our minds-even if it's not.
Love, sex, affection aren't necessarily interchangable from person to person.
I am living here with GG-Maca is in his own place.
In theory I could be "satiated with love and affection" from GG. However, GG isn't Maca. No matter how much love and affection GG gives me, he can't satiate my need for Maca.
The reverse is true also-but seriously, you could ask GG yourself. He can give me more attention, love and affection than any one person could ever use-
and I will still be hopelessly in NEED of attention, love and affection from Maca. It just is NOT the same, can't be the same.
It's like drinking water versus eating-you can drink water all day, every day for a week. But that is NOT going to satisfy your hunger. It just can't-it's a necessary component, it's something that goes into your mouth and is swallowed, but it's different from food. EVEN if you were to drink something with calorie content, it will eventually be OBVIOUS that it's NOT FOOD.
You know?
KatTails
New member
Just a quick reminder, because what we say/write/think becomes a little more ingrained as "truth" in our minds-even if it's not.
Love, sex, affection aren't necessarily interchangable from person to person.
I am living here with GG-Maca is in his own place.
In theory I could be "satiated with love and affection" from GG. However, GG isn't Maca. No matter how much love and affection GG gives me, he can't satiate my need for Maca.
The reverse is true also-but seriously, you could ask GG yourself. He can give me more attention, love and affection than any one person could ever use-and I will still be hopelessly in NEED of attention, love and affection from Maca. It just is NOT the same, can't be the same.
It's like drinking water versus eating-you can drink water all day, every day for a week. But that is NOT going to satisfy your hunger. It just can't-it's a necessary component, it's something that goes into your mouth and is swallowed, but it's different from food. EVEN if you were to drink something with calorie content, it will eventually be OBVIOUS that it's NOT FOOD.
You know?
I guess that's the difference between poly-minded and mono-minded people. I've never been in love with anyone else other than my husband. I can't understand the feeling of loving two people at the same time. I've always felt like I was being replaced. I've always felt he needed/wanted her more. So while I understand your analogy - I have a hard time applying it to this situation. Not hearing "I love you"; not feeling loved, wanted, needed; not being held; not being made love to; and only feeling like a roommate/co-parent is making me more insecure and anxious. And again - I'm not whining, complaining or criticizing. This is how he needs to do this until he can trust me and my emotions. It is how it is. But you can't neglect something and expect it to still work, run or flourish. A marriage is no different. I have no choice but to continue working on becoming a better me.
And thank you LR - it helps to hear your perspective. There are 2 posts of yours on here that I read when I need a reminder of how a poly feels about their spouse. I relate a lot to the ups and downs that you and Maca have been going through. So thank you - sincerely!
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LovingRadiance
Active member
It's not a requirement to experience something, in order to understand the truth that someone else experiences it.
I think that is one of the issues some people struggle with. If they don't PERSONALLY experience something-then it isn't "real" to them. But, when faced with someone else who is experiencing that same thing-"real" to them slams directly into the face of REALITY.
I understand that you've never experienced being in love with two people (mind you-Maca HAS).
However, that doesn't make it any less true that if one is capable of being in love with two people that doesn't mean that one person can fulfil the place of the other.
In fact, we already know that it's true that one person can't REPLACE another person.
You're sense of being neglected is TOTALLY REAL-but it's not because someone else is fulfilling the need.
EVEN IF THAT PERSON WERE TO SUDDENLY STOP FULFILLING HIM WITH HER PRESENCE, he'd still need to find trust in you again before he opened up to you.
Maca has fought with this idea too-as have many others I'm sure.
But, the fact of the matter is-if Maca neglects my needs, he's neglected my needs PERIOD. It does NOT MATTER if GG is available to me or not, MACA is still neglecting my needs.
IF for whatever reason your attitude/behavior was neglectful of 2rings needs in your marriage-then your attitude/behavior was neglectful of 2rings needs in your marriage REGARDLESS of Morningglory's existence.
LIKEWISE-if 2rings is neglecting your needs in the marriage now, then 2rings is neglecting your needs PERIOD and has nothing to do with Morningglory's presence.
One of the things that Maca feared recently was that if I have two relationships I will neglect the work that needs to be done on OUR relationship. HOwever, I think he would have to agree-that ANY TIME he has been available-I've been available TO HIM. Furthermore, in the time that he isn't available, outside of my responsibilities to the kids-my priority has been to work on the ME aspects that need fixed for our relationship to get back on track and educating myself on how to be more capable of having a functional relationship with him.
Therefore-his fear that my seeing GG also would cause me to "neglect" our relationship-was unfounded. MAYBE HE would struggle to attend to two relationships, but I don't. That's not to say that would be true of ANY two relationships, it wouldn't.
Part of what makes it easy for me is that I don't work-and both of them do work AND they work different shifts. But-whatever the reasons-the fact remains that REALITY is, I can attend to both relationships.
Sometimes what we FEEL is real and what is ACTUALLY real-are significantly different. It's a REALLY GOOD habit to create, to make yourself look at your feelings EVERY TIME you have them, I do this all day long in fact, and assess,
"is this feeling I'm having based in facts or fiction?"
"Is the feeling ACTUALLY created by what I'm blaming it on or is it actually created by something else I'm ignoring?"
"what can I do with this information?"
This is true of good feelings just as much as bad feelings. Too often we think that some good feeling arose because a situation or person was good-when in fact it was just a detail that was good and the rest is SHIT. S.H.I.T.
It's just as important to assess why we feel good as feel bad-and always to find out the TRUTH behind the emotions so we can choose to keep them or discard them based on reality.
I think that is one of the issues some people struggle with. If they don't PERSONALLY experience something-then it isn't "real" to them. But, when faced with someone else who is experiencing that same thing-"real" to them slams directly into the face of REALITY.
I understand that you've never experienced being in love with two people (mind you-Maca HAS).
However, that doesn't make it any less true that if one is capable of being in love with two people that doesn't mean that one person can fulfil the place of the other.
In fact, we already know that it's true that one person can't REPLACE another person.
You're sense of being neglected is TOTALLY REAL-but it's not because someone else is fulfilling the need.
EVEN IF THAT PERSON WERE TO SUDDENLY STOP FULFILLING HIM WITH HER PRESENCE, he'd still need to find trust in you again before he opened up to you.
Maca has fought with this idea too-as have many others I'm sure.
But, the fact of the matter is-if Maca neglects my needs, he's neglected my needs PERIOD. It does NOT MATTER if GG is available to me or not, MACA is still neglecting my needs.
IF for whatever reason your attitude/behavior was neglectful of 2rings needs in your marriage-then your attitude/behavior was neglectful of 2rings needs in your marriage REGARDLESS of Morningglory's existence.
LIKEWISE-if 2rings is neglecting your needs in the marriage now, then 2rings is neglecting your needs PERIOD and has nothing to do with Morningglory's presence.
One of the things that Maca feared recently was that if I have two relationships I will neglect the work that needs to be done on OUR relationship. HOwever, I think he would have to agree-that ANY TIME he has been available-I've been available TO HIM. Furthermore, in the time that he isn't available, outside of my responsibilities to the kids-my priority has been to work on the ME aspects that need fixed for our relationship to get back on track and educating myself on how to be more capable of having a functional relationship with him.
Therefore-his fear that my seeing GG also would cause me to "neglect" our relationship-was unfounded. MAYBE HE would struggle to attend to two relationships, but I don't. That's not to say that would be true of ANY two relationships, it wouldn't.
Part of what makes it easy for me is that I don't work-and both of them do work AND they work different shifts. But-whatever the reasons-the fact remains that REALITY is, I can attend to both relationships.
Sometimes what we FEEL is real and what is ACTUALLY real-are significantly different. It's a REALLY GOOD habit to create, to make yourself look at your feelings EVERY TIME you have them, I do this all day long in fact, and assess,
"is this feeling I'm having based in facts or fiction?"
"Is the feeling ACTUALLY created by what I'm blaming it on or is it actually created by something else I'm ignoring?"
"what can I do with this information?"
This is true of good feelings just as much as bad feelings. Too often we think that some good feeling arose because a situation or person was good-when in fact it was just a detail that was good and the rest is SHIT. S.H.I.T.
It's just as important to assess why we feel good as feel bad-and always to find out the TRUTH behind the emotions so we can choose to keep them or discard them based on reality.
IndieSolo
Active member
Kat,
I forget - are you and 2rings in counseling together? I ask because hope that he isn't just waiting around for you to "fix" things and find your own way, if he isn't also doing whatever work he needs to do on the marriage and helping your relationship to heal.
My husband blamed me completely for the demise of our marriage. I was expected to step up while he sat in judgment of me, basically. It didn't do much help to feel like I was the one to blame for everything that wasn't working. He only started to acknowledge his part after we separated, unfortunately.
No matter how codependent you may have become (I say that based on stuff you previously shared), it did not happen in a vacuum. Whatever one spouse does, the other allows. It's easy to step back and point the finger at you, but do not doubt that he contributed just as much to the state your relationship is in.
This does not mean that you don't still have to continue working on YOU. However, it will just crash and burn if everything is laid upon your head and he is only investing in his relationship with MG and not the one he has with you. It sounds like he has compassion for you and is not being mean, but what is he doing to understand his role in all this and how he can support the marriage and his relationship to you and your family? Counseling or therapy? I'm sorry if I missed that crucial information in your posts.
I forget - are you and 2rings in counseling together? I ask because hope that he isn't just waiting around for you to "fix" things and find your own way, if he isn't also doing whatever work he needs to do on the marriage and helping your relationship to heal.
My husband blamed me completely for the demise of our marriage. I was expected to step up while he sat in judgment of me, basically. It didn't do much help to feel like I was the one to blame for everything that wasn't working. He only started to acknowledge his part after we separated, unfortunately.
No matter how codependent you may have become (I say that based on stuff you previously shared), it did not happen in a vacuum. Whatever one spouse does, the other allows. It's easy to step back and point the finger at you, but do not doubt that he contributed just as much to the state your relationship is in.
This does not mean that you don't still have to continue working on YOU. However, it will just crash and burn if everything is laid upon your head and he is only investing in his relationship with MG and not the one he has with you. It sounds like he has compassion for you and is not being mean, but what is he doing to understand his role in all this and how he can support the marriage and his relationship to you and your family? Counseling or therapy? I'm sorry if I missed that crucial information in your posts.
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KatTails
New member
Good point. I'll need to keep that in mind.
I disagree - in our case. It's because of MG's presence that my needs are being neglected. My needs were being filled before her being in his life - that's the exact problem. It is her presence that has caused 2rings to neglect my needs in our marriage. AND conversely - MG's presence in his life is causing me to not be able to fulfill his needs. I can't speak for him - but before MG, I think I was filling his needs. If I wasn't - he never let it be known. The problems in our marriage are based on each of us having different needs now that MG is present.
It's not a requirement to experience something, in order to understand the truth that someone else experiences it.
It can't go both ways. I'm supposed to understand the truth that he can love two women and that one can't replace the other - but - 2rings can't accept the truth of what I'm experiencing because he's never been in my shoes - yet I'm criticized for having those feelings.
I agree with you and it's something that I'm really going to have to work on - daily!
Thanks LR!
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