LostPixie
New member
Awesome!!! Super happy for you to have someone you can converse with on so many topics/levels!!
Leaf on the Wind
- Thread starter AutumnLeaves
- Start date
Awesome!!! Super happy for you to have someone you can converse with on so many topics/levels!!
AutumnLeaves
New member
I'm back. You know there's something wrong when I start posting again, right?
My grandfather became unresponsive last night and they're waiting for his oldest son to arrive before taking him off it, which is what he wanted. I still sometimes get randomly weepy about my grandma and now there's this too. I get that most of my grandparents are around the same age because they're, you know, my grandparents, but come on.
According to grandma they're going to do services in Florida and up here so at least there shouldn't be a plane ticket hell this time.
Anyway, I'm glad I'm seeing Purr tonight. Making dinner will keep me distracted and not wanting to break down in front of the boys too badly should help me keep my shit together. She's also literally the most simultaneously compassionate and distracting person I know so that will help too.
My grandfather became unresponsive last night and they're waiting for his oldest son to arrive before taking him off it, which is what he wanted. I still sometimes get randomly weepy about my grandma and now there's this too. I get that most of my grandparents are around the same age because they're, you know, my grandparents, but come on.
According to grandma they're going to do services in Florida and up here so at least there shouldn't be a plane ticket hell this time.
Anyway, I'm glad I'm seeing Purr tonight. Making dinner will keep me distracted and not wanting to break down in front of the boys too badly should help me keep my shit together. She's also literally the most simultaneously compassionate and distracting person I know so that will help too.
opalescent
Active member
I'm so sorry. Hugs
AutumnLeaves
New member
Thanks guys. It's almost like a fascinating study in the way my own personal grieving processes can differ.
When my grandmother died, I was depressed for days, but there were Things To Do since the funeral was in the south. Changing my parents' plane tickets, making travel plans for my disabled aunt, arranging a place to stay with my sister and niece, etc. I felt extremely bad and was basically a mess of tears the whole time, but I powered through.
This time I'm extremely numb most of the time. The funeral is in Nearby Big City, so it's only going to be 1.5 hour drive to get there, and I have nothing to arrange. Every now and then I'll catch myself thinking "I think I might actually be okay." And then I'll look at my actions and go, dude, you are so not okay. Can't sleep, don't want to get up, don't want to eat (except I do want to bake, so I'm subsisting on peanuts, baked goods, junk food, and whatever Guitarist cooks for me), stress-cleaned a lot yesterday and then played 16 hours of video games. Again.
And everything is triggering doom spirals. Stupid shit that I know is not anyone's fault. At least I'm rationally irrational? I can tell when I'm being completely irrational, but that doesn't change the emotions.
Examples.
Guitarist usually comes to bed between 4 and 5 am. If I'm staying up until 4 am, like I did on Tuesday because I couldn't sleep, we'll go to bed together. Last night I went to bed around 2:30 am so he wasn't exactly ready yet. Trigger doom spiral about how he didn't love me, nobody loved me, etc. It was a shower, a bunch of melatonin, and masturbating twice before I could calm down enough to fall asleep at around 4:30 am. Woke up at 9:30 tired but with my heart pounding because my brain is in a "fuck sleep" mode.
Crawled out of bed to a text message from Purr. We're supposed to be hanging out tomorrow since today she's having a serious medical test today which she's freaked out about, and I offered her company for comfort the day after. It's something we arranged weeks ago before Quiet was seriously in the picture. And a visit I'm going to have to cut short because my grandmother is flying in that evening and I'll be going over to my mom's for a family dinner, so I had to ask her to find a backup safety person for the evening.
Anyway, this morning she's texted that Quiet has offered to bring over cards and games ONLY IF I WANT (with that part in caps) knowing that I've been in a desperately distracting myself kind of way. Despite what I am logically sure is the genuine kindness of the offer, I spent the next hour or so freaking out about how I'm be replaced by a mono guy with more time, energy, and so on to offer, and who is so much more similar to Purr in so many ways. Anxiety-attack levels of freaking out, like, I had to go outside because if I didn't the walls were going to collapse or I was going to have a heart attack or something. Thank goodness for CBT coping techniques. I think the only thing that saved me from being a puddle of motionless goo for days was working through the evidence and alternatives and best/worst case scenarios until I was rational enough to realize how absurd I was being.
Basically, I should just tape a sign to my forehead that clearly proclaims I'm in a glass case of emotion so no one is surprised when I collapse to the ground screaming at the tiniest little things. For now though I'm returning back to video game land, where things are not as complicated and I don't have to think.
When my grandmother died, I was depressed for days, but there were Things To Do since the funeral was in the south. Changing my parents' plane tickets, making travel plans for my disabled aunt, arranging a place to stay with my sister and niece, etc. I felt extremely bad and was basically a mess of tears the whole time, but I powered through.
This time I'm extremely numb most of the time. The funeral is in Nearby Big City, so it's only going to be 1.5 hour drive to get there, and I have nothing to arrange. Every now and then I'll catch myself thinking "I think I might actually be okay." And then I'll look at my actions and go, dude, you are so not okay. Can't sleep, don't want to get up, don't want to eat (except I do want to bake, so I'm subsisting on peanuts, baked goods, junk food, and whatever Guitarist cooks for me), stress-cleaned a lot yesterday and then played 16 hours of video games. Again.
And everything is triggering doom spirals. Stupid shit that I know is not anyone's fault. At least I'm rationally irrational? I can tell when I'm being completely irrational, but that doesn't change the emotions.
Examples.
Guitarist usually comes to bed between 4 and 5 am. If I'm staying up until 4 am, like I did on Tuesday because I couldn't sleep, we'll go to bed together. Last night I went to bed around 2:30 am so he wasn't exactly ready yet. Trigger doom spiral about how he didn't love me, nobody loved me, etc. It was a shower, a bunch of melatonin, and masturbating twice before I could calm down enough to fall asleep at around 4:30 am. Woke up at 9:30 tired but with my heart pounding because my brain is in a "fuck sleep" mode.
Crawled out of bed to a text message from Purr. We're supposed to be hanging out tomorrow since today she's having a serious medical test today which she's freaked out about, and I offered her company for comfort the day after. It's something we arranged weeks ago before Quiet was seriously in the picture. And a visit I'm going to have to cut short because my grandmother is flying in that evening and I'll be going over to my mom's for a family dinner, so I had to ask her to find a backup safety person for the evening.
Anyway, this morning she's texted that Quiet has offered to bring over cards and games ONLY IF I WANT (with that part in caps) knowing that I've been in a desperately distracting myself kind of way. Despite what I am logically sure is the genuine kindness of the offer, I spent the next hour or so freaking out about how I'm be replaced by a mono guy with more time, energy, and so on to offer, and who is so much more similar to Purr in so many ways. Anxiety-attack levels of freaking out, like, I had to go outside because if I didn't the walls were going to collapse or I was going to have a heart attack or something. Thank goodness for CBT coping techniques. I think the only thing that saved me from being a puddle of motionless goo for days was working through the evidence and alternatives and best/worst case scenarios until I was rational enough to realize how absurd I was being.
Basically, I should just tape a sign to my forehead that clearly proclaims I'm in a glass case of emotion so no one is surprised when I collapse to the ground screaming at the tiniest little things. For now though I'm returning back to video game land, where things are not as complicated and I don't have to think.
AutumnLeaves
New member
Lunch break processing time. Scattered thoughts ahead. I'm going to try to unscatter them as I go along.
To start with, I'm struggling with depression and not sleeping related to depression (something like 3 hours of sleep last night, again, since I can't turn my brain off at night) so I logically recognize that I'm not at my most rational. It doesn't matter to my feelings, which are erratic and crazy right now.
I'm feeling a little replaced by Quiet and I'm concerned where his relationship with Purr is going. A couple things triggered this.
Saturday was a hanging out with Purr day. Prescheduled since it was to follow a stressful test she was having Friday. I ended up having to leave early for a funeral-related family dinner, but anyway. What happened.
As I mentioned in my last post, Quiet was kind of invited along. I tried to do the putting other people before myself thing (the point was to be there for Purr after all) and he didn't even show up from helping Sunshine move some things from a Nearby Small City until it was almost time for me to go.
She talked about him most of the time we were together. I get that there's an NRE thing there. This happened with Hatter, too, so it's not even a shock. But it's all plans they're making, things they did, things they talked about, etc. This time, it's hitting my jealousy buttons a little. This is more a my problem thing than a her problem thing, and I realize that. It's not even necessarily a problem that needs addressed, I'm being very sensitive right now because depression leads to insecurity for me.
Anyway, at some point during the alone time, I mentioned that I was sorry I couldn't stay the night as initially planned. And she mentioned something about how that was probably for the best because she wasn't sure how Quiet would take that since he's having trouble adjusting to poly.
Uh, excuse me?
I'm trying to be the good metamour here. But how are problems with his adjustment to poly my responsibility? I said what I was thinking, which is that he'll have to adjust because I'm not willing to give up my ALREADY EXTREMELY RARE overnights. I offered to let him borrow my copy of More Than Two if that would help.
I could tell it made her unhappy. I get that this might be a bit of rock and hard place thing. But the alternative is that I will be very unhappy. The few date nights we've been able to eke out between her busy momming and my busy social schedule have been golden. I enjoy spending time with her and the boys, it's the bread and butter of our relationship. It allows me to reconnect and express my caring.
But it isn't great relationship time. We're closeted in front of the boys. I love her boys, but they aren't why I'm there.
What the fuck am I doing if I can't have actual relationship moments? Some decent physical intimacy? And I don't mean sex intimacy, since I can basically do without that. I mean having a fun night then waking up in the same bed kinds of intimacy. You know, the kind that already happens so rarely that each one is like a precious treasure to me.
Which was just made that much clearer when Sunshine returned and began hovering all over everything. She repeatedly said that she needed to go to bed and then didn't. We retreated to Purr's room and... she followed us. She even followed us out onto the porch when I needed to go, despite the fact that Purr was clearly going outside with me to kiss me goodbye.
When I expressed concern about her living with Sunshine before the move, and asked "so what about our date nights," the assurance was that we would still get us time because Sunshine works third shift and sleeps in the evenings.
Here's what I'm worried is going to happen: Purr will get the boys into bed even on time around 8:30, which usually gives us about 2 solid hours a week of "couple" time before I need to leave to go home. Except now that she lives with Sunshine, who works 3rd shift, Sunshine will get up at some point in there and we will get no alone time ever again.
Am I justified in being upset? Am I fully rational? I don't know!
I do know that I can't handle this right now. I want to quit my life as a human and live instead as a blanket.
I canceled our date tonight because I thought about trying to deal with her boys like this and I wanted to break down sobbing. Clearly, I need to talk with Purr. Clearly, I'm in no condition to talk with Purr.
I may need to establish some boundaries. I fucking hate establishing boundaries even when I'm in a rational place, much less when I'm pretty sure my brain isn't firing on all cylinders.
Maybe I'll get some sleep some time before next week.
Guitarist is about to release his demo and has been off his antidepressants for a week now or something, so it's very difficult to talk to him about things. He's in this high-energy place and I'm worried about crashing him hard. Flame is basically my refuge right now, except I really need someone to make me go out walking or something and he's on the west coast and I'm in the midwest so yeah.
Anyway, my latest doom spiral: She doesn't even text me good night anymore.She's probably too busy with him. Trying to give me space. Probably too busy with him, after all he's mono and has a lot more time for her and can sleep at her place on a cot apparently. I didn't always respond anyway so it's probably my fault she thought I didn't value those touching little reminders. Or maybe she doesn't need me anymore. Shut up brain before I stab you with a qtip.
Fuck my life right now. Really. Time to get back to work.
To start with, I'm struggling with depression and not sleeping related to depression (something like 3 hours of sleep last night, again, since I can't turn my brain off at night) so I logically recognize that I'm not at my most rational. It doesn't matter to my feelings, which are erratic and crazy right now.
I'm feeling a little replaced by Quiet and I'm concerned where his relationship with Purr is going. A couple things triggered this.
Saturday was a hanging out with Purr day. Prescheduled since it was to follow a stressful test she was having Friday. I ended up having to leave early for a funeral-related family dinner, but anyway. What happened.
As I mentioned in my last post, Quiet was kind of invited along. I tried to do the putting other people before myself thing (the point was to be there for Purr after all) and he didn't even show up from helping Sunshine move some things from a Nearby Small City until it was almost time for me to go.
She talked about him most of the time we were together. I get that there's an NRE thing there. This happened with Hatter, too, so it's not even a shock. But it's all plans they're making, things they did, things they talked about, etc. This time, it's hitting my jealousy buttons a little. This is more a my problem thing than a her problem thing, and I realize that. It's not even necessarily a problem that needs addressed, I'm being very sensitive right now because depression leads to insecurity for me.
Anyway, at some point during the alone time, I mentioned that I was sorry I couldn't stay the night as initially planned. And she mentioned something about how that was probably for the best because she wasn't sure how Quiet would take that since he's having trouble adjusting to poly.
Uh, excuse me?
I'm trying to be the good metamour here. But how are problems with his adjustment to poly my responsibility? I said what I was thinking, which is that he'll have to adjust because I'm not willing to give up my ALREADY EXTREMELY RARE overnights. I offered to let him borrow my copy of More Than Two if that would help.
I could tell it made her unhappy. I get that this might be a bit of rock and hard place thing. But the alternative is that I will be very unhappy. The few date nights we've been able to eke out between her busy momming and my busy social schedule have been golden. I enjoy spending time with her and the boys, it's the bread and butter of our relationship. It allows me to reconnect and express my caring.
But it isn't great relationship time. We're closeted in front of the boys. I love her boys, but they aren't why I'm there.
What the fuck am I doing if I can't have actual relationship moments? Some decent physical intimacy? And I don't mean sex intimacy, since I can basically do without that. I mean having a fun night then waking up in the same bed kinds of intimacy. You know, the kind that already happens so rarely that each one is like a precious treasure to me.
Which was just made that much clearer when Sunshine returned and began hovering all over everything. She repeatedly said that she needed to go to bed and then didn't. We retreated to Purr's room and... she followed us. She even followed us out onto the porch when I needed to go, despite the fact that Purr was clearly going outside with me to kiss me goodbye.
When I expressed concern about her living with Sunshine before the move, and asked "so what about our date nights," the assurance was that we would still get us time because Sunshine works third shift and sleeps in the evenings.
Here's what I'm worried is going to happen: Purr will get the boys into bed even on time around 8:30, which usually gives us about 2 solid hours a week of "couple" time before I need to leave to go home. Except now that she lives with Sunshine, who works 3rd shift, Sunshine will get up at some point in there and we will get no alone time ever again.
Am I justified in being upset? Am I fully rational? I don't know!
I do know that I can't handle this right now. I want to quit my life as a human and live instead as a blanket.
I canceled our date tonight because I thought about trying to deal with her boys like this and I wanted to break down sobbing. Clearly, I need to talk with Purr. Clearly, I'm in no condition to talk with Purr.
I may need to establish some boundaries. I fucking hate establishing boundaries even when I'm in a rational place, much less when I'm pretty sure my brain isn't firing on all cylinders.
Maybe I'll get some sleep some time before next week.
Guitarist is about to release his demo and has been off his antidepressants for a week now or something, so it's very difficult to talk to him about things. He's in this high-energy place and I'm worried about crashing him hard. Flame is basically my refuge right now, except I really need someone to make me go out walking or something and he's on the west coast and I'm in the midwest so yeah.
Anyway, my latest doom spiral: She doesn't even text me good night anymore.
Fuck my life right now. Really. Time to get back to work.
AutumnLeaves
New member
I'm feeling much better since I started sleeping again. Completely shocking, I'm sure. I slept a full, unbroken 8 hours on Thursday night, which felt like a minor feat. I'm not feeling GREAT but I was able to get out of bed this morning without feeling like living my life is a huge chore that I don't really want to do.
And now Guitarist and I are sitting in the living room in pajamas, drinking coffee. He's playing Dark Souls 3, which I bought him for a present to celebrate him releasing his EP yesterday. His buoyant mood is lifting mine by proximity.
Yesterday night, I went to Irish's house for dinner. He accidentally thawed all his venison by knocking the cord out of his chest freezer, so it was kind of like a cooking festival of venison and pasta and pie and deliciousness with all of my close high school friends. It's crazy to think that I've been friends with these guys for over half my life at this point. And then last night I slept about 6 hours.
Today, I have a wedding in a few hours. It's going to be a small one in a park, which should be fun. And tomorrow I have another dinner with my grandma. My aunts and uncles are coming out from Nearby City for some nice family time.
I'm flying solo this weekend. I'm hoping that it will let me recharge a little. I'm feeling very antisocial lately, but I know that's mostly depression and social is good for me, but at the same time not being responsible for someone else is kind of a relief. Anyway, I'm off to decide which dress to wear etc.
And now Guitarist and I are sitting in the living room in pajamas, drinking coffee. He's playing Dark Souls 3, which I bought him for a present to celebrate him releasing his EP yesterday. His buoyant mood is lifting mine by proximity.
Yesterday night, I went to Irish's house for dinner. He accidentally thawed all his venison by knocking the cord out of his chest freezer, so it was kind of like a cooking festival of venison and pasta and pie and deliciousness with all of my close high school friends. It's crazy to think that I've been friends with these guys for over half my life at this point. And then last night I slept about 6 hours.
Today, I have a wedding in a few hours. It's going to be a small one in a park, which should be fun. And tomorrow I have another dinner with my grandma. My aunts and uncles are coming out from Nearby City for some nice family time.
I'm flying solo this weekend. I'm hoping that it will let me recharge a little. I'm feeling very antisocial lately, but I know that's mostly depression and social is good for me, but at the same time not being responsible for someone else is kind of a relief. Anyway, I'm off to decide which dress to wear etc.
AutumnLeaves
New member
Yep, definitely more sane this fine this fine Monday. It's amazing what getting some sleep and family time will do for your depression and depression-related insecurity and jealousy issues. And also libido--hi libido! I missed you!
I'm about 85% fine today. Tonight's activities will include taking my dog to the vet and maybe some more sexy times with Guitarist. We're on a three-day streak right now and I want to keep it up before my libido disappears again, which will no doubt happen when my period next strikes.
I'm about 85% fine today. Tonight's activities will include taking my dog to the vet and maybe some more sexy times with Guitarist. We're on a three-day streak right now and I want to keep it up before my libido disappears again, which will no doubt happen when my period next strikes.
AutumnLeaves
New member
So I didn't keep up my 3-day steak. Alas, I got home and was all "sex?" and Guitarist was all "no sex" so it didn't work out. In other news, my vibrator battery is no longer holding a reliable charge, which is... at times intensely frustrating.
Last night we took the dog to the vet for serious scratching. She has no signs of fleas but we're putting her on a preventative and if that doesn't help then also some allergy pills. At least she can basically just take the allergy pills I already take, so less money, hooray!
Tonight is board meeting night, tomorrow is seeing Purr night, Thursday I'm getting my hair cut, and then it's Friday again. I also need to get back to writing, which fell off horrendously when my grandpa died. 20k words into a novel is not a good time to just quit. I know if I start back up it'll be easy. It's just the motivation to get there, at this point.
I'm feeling spring frisky and like dating again, except I really should be dating my writing. I just want an excuse to go out and do something fun with someone I love, but between Guitarist's social anxiety and lack of money and dislike of the outdoors (where all the cheap adventures are found), Purr's schedule, and Flame's distance, that's not happening. It's not the best reason to want to start dating again, though, so I won't until I see if the impulse lasts.
Last night we took the dog to the vet for serious scratching. She has no signs of fleas but we're putting her on a preventative and if that doesn't help then also some allergy pills. At least she can basically just take the allergy pills I already take, so less money, hooray!
Tonight is board meeting night, tomorrow is seeing Purr night, Thursday I'm getting my hair cut, and then it's Friday again. I also need to get back to writing, which fell off horrendously when my grandpa died. 20k words into a novel is not a good time to just quit. I know if I start back up it'll be easy. It's just the motivation to get there, at this point.
I'm feeling spring frisky and like dating again, except I really should be dating my writing. I just want an excuse to go out and do something fun with someone I love, but between Guitarist's social anxiety and lack of money and dislike of the outdoors (where all the cheap adventures are found), Purr's schedule, and Flame's distance, that's not happening. It's not the best reason to want to start dating again, though, so I won't until I see if the impulse lasts.
AutumnLeaves
New member
Finally the friend whose house is on a beach in NJ (the same vacation I was on last year when I got home and Guitarist was all "so I met a girl") decides the dates for this year's beach party. And I take the days off work with a buffer for transition/reconnecting with my loves. And text Flame so that we can start working on some details, since this was going to be a joint attendance vacation "with him" thing this year.
His response? Well I've been thinking about it some more and I think I'd like a vacation with just you better.
... seriously? We've been talking about this for how long and now that I have days actually requested off is when you want to START talking about other plans?
My response: I guess that's something we can discuss but not for that weekend in July since I'll be in New Jersey. You're still welcome to join me but let me know what you decide so that I can figure out if I should invite Guitarist instead.
Among things that need to be discussed about this second separate vacation are little details like "when" and "how would it be getting paid for." The money I've set aside for Jersey, other than what I put for hotel expenses for pre/post drive getting him on and off the plane, will get spent on Jersey no matter what. My gas, booze, and eating out expenses will be exactly the same (or more expensive, if I invite Guitarist instead and he wants to go).
Also I don't get infinite time off in a year. So "what is this posited other joint vacation going to look" like is a serious concern of mine.
I'm irritated. I hate it when people change plans on me. I really do.
His response? Well I've been thinking about it some more and I think I'd like a vacation with just you better.
... seriously? We've been talking about this for how long and now that I have days actually requested off is when you want to START talking about other plans?
My response: I guess that's something we can discuss but not for that weekend in July since I'll be in New Jersey. You're still welcome to join me but let me know what you decide so that I can figure out if I should invite Guitarist instead.
Among things that need to be discussed about this second separate vacation are little details like "when" and "how would it be getting paid for." The money I've set aside for Jersey, other than what I put for hotel expenses for pre/post drive getting him on and off the plane, will get spent on Jersey no matter what. My gas, booze, and eating out expenses will be exactly the same (or more expensive, if I invite Guitarist instead and he wants to go).
Also I don't get infinite time off in a year. So "what is this posited other joint vacation going to look" like is a serious concern of mine.
I'm irritated. I hate it when people change plans on me. I really do.
AutumnLeaves
New member
It's a slow day at work, so time for some post-date processing!
Sunshine was home and awake for part of the date (when the boys were also awake) so I took a quiet moment while Purr was getting the boys' teeth brushed to ask if she would grant us some privacy since I hadn't seen Purr in a while and we don't get much alone time, and Sunshine was totally cool with it. It made me a little anxious because I didn't want her to feel exiled in her own house, but when I thanked her later over fb messenger she said it was fine and she totally understood. So that was a win for "just talk to her and stop doom spiraling."
I had some of the talk with Purr that I'd been meaning to have about Quiet and my insecurity issues and triggers. She tends to change the subject when it's a hard topic. I don't think it's an on purpose kind of thing, I just think Purr is very conflict-avoidant. So I had to come back to it several times in order to get everything sorted out that I needed sorted out on my end.
When it really bothers me is when I'm trying to have a conversation about my desire to continue occasional overnights and the interjection is "yes, and I also need to arrange overnights with (other lover couple)." Maybe I'm being a dick here, but I don't care. It's not my business to balance their desires. When I'm trying to have a conversation about my desires, I don't really want to hear about someone else's desires. I end up feeling like I'm not being heard. If she wants to see them, she should see them. It has nothing to do with whether I can still expect the occasional overnight.
Anyway, the bottom line is that she still wants overnights with me and intends to have them in the future, scheduling permitting. Relief on my part. For a minute.
But then she mentioned that she'd "had to" end her very occasional relationships with her male lovers because Quiet "will walk" if he sees her. I get that Quiet has been cheated on in the past and he may need some adjustment period. He's promised to try to work on it (but doesn't want to read poly books, oh and "they won't change his mind," red flags red flags). Purr wasn't very regular or close with her other male lover and that's all her decision to make.
But her phrasing choices are also huge red flags for me, like these aren't decisions she is making, but decisions being made for her and she has no agency in the matter. Especially when she's got serious, known codependency leanings. It's like, okay, and what if he decides he'd rather you not have any other lovers at all? "Well he's said he wouldn't do that" isn't comforting.
When pressed she said that she wouldn't accept that. I don't like that I had to press to get an answer.
Do I believe it? My inclination is yes, but I'm still not feeling very secure. I think these are probably normal growing pains for adjusting to a new metamour. I either need to trust Purr to be able to handle hinge shit or GTFO. So I'm trusting her to handle them, because she hasn't yet let me down.
But transition that into me asking if she'd like to go to the next steampunk meetup in a couple of weeks if she's free. She said Quiet also wants to go (we met him there last time) and could she take two dates.
I said sure, that world be fine with me, would I be coming home with you or him? She proposed we could all come back to her place and watch movies.
Okay, where "coming home with" is my previously established euphemism for sleeping in the same bed, that both wouldn't work and doesn't answer the question. It wouldn't solve the problem of who is sleeping where.
Subject changed, question remains unanswered. I just want to grab her by the shoulders and say "just make a decision." It doesn't matter what the decision is, but make one, so I can make plans.
Anyway, despite all that it was a good date. We talked and reconnected and at least some of my insecurities were addressed. It's a work in progress, but what relationship isn't.
And then I got home to Guitarist, who had the previous night asked when I'd be getting home from Purr's and could we have sex, to which I responded I'm not sure but I usually leave her house around 10 and yes. So when I got home at 10:45 and was like "Netflix and chill" he was all "nah." He was in the middle of a video game and had recently masturbated. Which, he's under no obligation to say yes to sex, so that's fine. But I was still disappointed. Bed time turned into another vibrator party.
I guess I have 0 loves that aren't frustrating the shit out of me right now, even though I am overall happy with each of my relationships. I'm waiting for my period to hit because this is starting to feel like a "find the common denominator" (hint: it's me) issue.
Sunshine was home and awake for part of the date (when the boys were also awake) so I took a quiet moment while Purr was getting the boys' teeth brushed to ask if she would grant us some privacy since I hadn't seen Purr in a while and we don't get much alone time, and Sunshine was totally cool with it. It made me a little anxious because I didn't want her to feel exiled in her own house, but when I thanked her later over fb messenger she said it was fine and she totally understood. So that was a win for "just talk to her and stop doom spiraling."
I had some of the talk with Purr that I'd been meaning to have about Quiet and my insecurity issues and triggers. She tends to change the subject when it's a hard topic. I don't think it's an on purpose kind of thing, I just think Purr is very conflict-avoidant. So I had to come back to it several times in order to get everything sorted out that I needed sorted out on my end.
When it really bothers me is when I'm trying to have a conversation about my desire to continue occasional overnights and the interjection is "yes, and I also need to arrange overnights with (other lover couple)." Maybe I'm being a dick here, but I don't care. It's not my business to balance their desires. When I'm trying to have a conversation about my desires, I don't really want to hear about someone else's desires. I end up feeling like I'm not being heard. If she wants to see them, she should see them. It has nothing to do with whether I can still expect the occasional overnight.
Anyway, the bottom line is that she still wants overnights with me and intends to have them in the future, scheduling permitting. Relief on my part. For a minute.
But then she mentioned that she'd "had to" end her very occasional relationships with her male lovers because Quiet "will walk" if he sees her. I get that Quiet has been cheated on in the past and he may need some adjustment period. He's promised to try to work on it (but doesn't want to read poly books, oh and "they won't change his mind," red flags red flags). Purr wasn't very regular or close with her other male lover and that's all her decision to make.
But her phrasing choices are also huge red flags for me, like these aren't decisions she is making, but decisions being made for her and she has no agency in the matter. Especially when she's got serious, known codependency leanings. It's like, okay, and what if he decides he'd rather you not have any other lovers at all? "Well he's said he wouldn't do that" isn't comforting.
When pressed she said that she wouldn't accept that. I don't like that I had to press to get an answer.
Do I believe it? My inclination is yes, but I'm still not feeling very secure. I think these are probably normal growing pains for adjusting to a new metamour. I either need to trust Purr to be able to handle hinge shit or GTFO. So I'm trusting her to handle them, because she hasn't yet let me down.
But transition that into me asking if she'd like to go to the next steampunk meetup in a couple of weeks if she's free. She said Quiet also wants to go (we met him there last time) and could she take two dates.
I said sure, that world be fine with me, would I be coming home with you or him? She proposed we could all come back to her place and watch movies.
Okay, where "coming home with" is my previously established euphemism for sleeping in the same bed, that both wouldn't work and doesn't answer the question. It wouldn't solve the problem of who is sleeping where.
Subject changed, question remains unanswered. I just want to grab her by the shoulders and say "just make a decision." It doesn't matter what the decision is, but make one, so I can make plans.
Anyway, despite all that it was a good date. We talked and reconnected and at least some of my insecurities were addressed. It's a work in progress, but what relationship isn't.
And then I got home to Guitarist, who had the previous night asked when I'd be getting home from Purr's and could we have sex, to which I responded I'm not sure but I usually leave her house around 10 and yes. So when I got home at 10:45 and was like "Netflix and chill" he was all "nah." He was in the middle of a video game and had recently masturbated. Which, he's under no obligation to say yes to sex, so that's fine. But I was still disappointed. Bed time turned into another vibrator party.
I guess I have 0 loves that aren't frustrating the shit out of me right now, even though I am overall happy with each of my relationships. I'm waiting for my period to hit because this is starting to feel like a "find the common denominator" (hint: it's me) issue.
AutumnLeaves
New member
My car is in the shop for an oil change today. Of course, it's one of the days where I have very little to do at work, and I even accidentally left my laptop in the car so I can't even really write, even if I wanted to.
Also I did a huge long post on my weekend, but it took me so long that I got signed out and I lost it on my phone when I tried to sign back in. Likely for the best, it was mostly depression-related crap and about how it's not playing well with Purr having a new relationship. I think we're both depressed right now, so that's not playing well together. But I also had a park walk with a friend so that was nice.
But mostly it's very grey and rainy here in the midwest. And I might have slept poorly last night >.> There were zombie nightmares involved. Damned zombies, ruining all my sleep.
More later, probably. Purr just texted and my boss walked in at about the same time
Also I did a huge long post on my weekend, but it took me so long that I got signed out and I lost it on my phone when I tried to sign back in. Likely for the best, it was mostly depression-related crap and about how it's not playing well with Purr having a new relationship. I think we're both depressed right now, so that's not playing well together. But I also had a park walk with a friend so that was nice.
But mostly it's very grey and rainy here in the midwest. And I might have slept poorly last night >.> There were zombie nightmares involved. Damned zombies, ruining all my sleep.
More later, probably. Purr just texted and my boss walked in at about the same time
AutumnLeaves
New member
There's an amazing difference between depressed me and decent mood me. Depressed me agonized all weekend about my relationship with Purr, whether she was preparing to leave me (basically through Quiet acting as a cowboy), etc. Monday rolled around and I was basically in paroxysms of anxiety and insecurity. Then Purr texted me a little I'm thinking of you, sorry I've been so absent lately, I've been depressed kind of thing. And it was like this huge revelation.
Guys, my depression does not play well with other people's depression. It is known. It's the main reason I broke up with First Fiancé so long ago and got counseling.
I'd like to get away from this episode and back into the familiar land of mild-to-moderate dysthemia, where maybe everything isn't sunshine and roses but at least I know my brain and how to handle it (thanks, therapy!). Every now and then I have to remind myself that this is not my normal, that I lost two grandparents in less than 6 months, that it's understandable that I'm struggling right now, and that things won't always feel this way. Contrary to how my blog reads for the past year, I don't actually live my life in a constant state of crisis. Meanwhile, this is not the time to make major life decisions.
Anyway, at least this has been good for something. I've realized that it's hard to tell with Purr what is depression-withdrawing, which is best combatted with love and reassurances, and what is NRE "too busy for talking" withdrawing, which is best just soldiered through because the mutual can't get enough infatuation eventually fades. Best way to find out?
Ask.
If only the "but I can't ask because PANIC" depression-distortions would go away, I'd be golden.
Today, at least, I'm feeling glum but capable of being a rational human. Enough to realize that I was harboring a lot of resentment toward Purr/Quiet about the Steampunk event in two weekends. I really want to go. I had a lot of fun last time. I love costuming and games and there were a bunch of really cool people there. But when I asked Purr if she wanted to go, she vacillated. She might not be free etc, the usual stuff. So I said duh I know your schedule is variable, but if you're free would you like to go. She was all, well Quiet wants to go, could I take two dates? Me, sure I don't see why not, as long as he's okay with it. Would I be coming home with you? Her, well maybe you both could.
Let's see, reason that wouldn't work: it seems like a huge capability for for a situation leading to a lot of jealousy and insecurity. The inability to make a decision feels like very floppy hinge behavior to me, since the attempt to avoid disappointing one of us is going to lead to a huge problem if we both arrive at her house expecting an overnight.
No thank you. I'm not willing to do that.
So here I am, left without an answer to would I even have a date, and it's felt to me like all of my plans for that weekend are on hold waiting for Purr to make a decision. I really hate having plans in limbo. I'm the kind of person that needs to know where I'm going, how I'm getting there, when I'm leaving, how I'm getting home, etc, to be comfortable. This lack of plan has been seriously eating at me and a focus for much of my depressed thoughts for a while. I've wanted to yell, just make a decision already!!!
But now that I'm in slightly more rational land, I've realized that whether I attend the May steampunk event does not depend on Purr. If she isn't going to make a decision, and I am the one uncomfortable with limbo, then I need to make a decision. If I'm feeling like the backup, it's because I'm letting myself feel that way.
So I'm going to go and have a good time. I've invited Guitarist to go with me so I won't have to go by myself. I feel kind of bad about that, because it was a me-and-Purr thing, but I asked her first and she couldn't give me a straight answer of whether she would want to go with me if she's free. If she's disappointed, we'll deal with it, but it isn't entirely my fault.
And so that's where things are at right now. Balancing grief and depression and a girlfriend with depression and NRE. Emotional energy is definitely not at a high lately.
Guys, my depression does not play well with other people's depression. It is known. It's the main reason I broke up with First Fiancé so long ago and got counseling.
I'd like to get away from this episode and back into the familiar land of mild-to-moderate dysthemia, where maybe everything isn't sunshine and roses but at least I know my brain and how to handle it (thanks, therapy!). Every now and then I have to remind myself that this is not my normal, that I lost two grandparents in less than 6 months, that it's understandable that I'm struggling right now, and that things won't always feel this way. Contrary to how my blog reads for the past year, I don't actually live my life in a constant state of crisis. Meanwhile, this is not the time to make major life decisions.
Anyway, at least this has been good for something. I've realized that it's hard to tell with Purr what is depression-withdrawing, which is best combatted with love and reassurances, and what is NRE "too busy for talking" withdrawing, which is best just soldiered through because the mutual can't get enough infatuation eventually fades. Best way to find out?
Ask.
If only the "but I can't ask because PANIC" depression-distortions would go away, I'd be golden.
Today, at least, I'm feeling glum but capable of being a rational human. Enough to realize that I was harboring a lot of resentment toward Purr/Quiet about the Steampunk event in two weekends. I really want to go. I had a lot of fun last time. I love costuming and games and there were a bunch of really cool people there. But when I asked Purr if she wanted to go, she vacillated. She might not be free etc, the usual stuff. So I said duh I know your schedule is variable, but if you're free would you like to go. She was all, well Quiet wants to go, could I take two dates? Me, sure I don't see why not, as long as he's okay with it. Would I be coming home with you? Her, well maybe you both could.
Let's see, reason that wouldn't work: it seems like a huge capability for for a situation leading to a lot of jealousy and insecurity. The inability to make a decision feels like very floppy hinge behavior to me, since the attempt to avoid disappointing one of us is going to lead to a huge problem if we both arrive at her house expecting an overnight.
No thank you. I'm not willing to do that.
So here I am, left without an answer to would I even have a date, and it's felt to me like all of my plans for that weekend are on hold waiting for Purr to make a decision. I really hate having plans in limbo. I'm the kind of person that needs to know where I'm going, how I'm getting there, when I'm leaving, how I'm getting home, etc, to be comfortable. This lack of plan has been seriously eating at me and a focus for much of my depressed thoughts for a while. I've wanted to yell, just make a decision already!!!
But now that I'm in slightly more rational land, I've realized that whether I attend the May steampunk event does not depend on Purr. If she isn't going to make a decision, and I am the one uncomfortable with limbo, then I need to make a decision. If I'm feeling like the backup, it's because I'm letting myself feel that way.
So I'm going to go and have a good time. I've invited Guitarist to go with me so I won't have to go by myself. I feel kind of bad about that, because it was a me-and-Purr thing, but I asked her first and she couldn't give me a straight answer of whether she would want to go with me if she's free. If she's disappointed, we'll deal with it, but it isn't entirely my fault.
And so that's where things are at right now. Balancing grief and depression and a girlfriend with depression and NRE. Emotional energy is definitely not at a high lately.
AutumnLeaves
New member
My mood is now on an upswing. I had a couple of conversations and some thoughts yesterday that reminded me that I'm responsible for my own misery. There are so many worst parts about depression that it's hard to pick just one, but one of the things I was really struggling with this time around was feeling like I have no agency. It's the difference between feeling like bad or potentially bad stuff just kept happening to me and there was nothing I could do about it, and "yes some bad stuff has happened or may happen but I still have choices here."
I'm lucky (???) that everyone I'm close to knows at least somewhat what depression is like. I don't have to struggle to explain with them that things aren't their fault and no they can't really DO anything to help, the most helpful things they do are EXIST and love me when I'm not capable of loving myself.
Also I started my period, and the beginning of the bleeding usually signals the end of my more serious emotional instability. I'm hoping this might act like a reset button on my mood and allow me to get back to, I don't know, processing my grief in healthier ways. I don't hope to feel well, yet, but I do hope to feel better.
I've basically adopted a biphasic sleep schedule lately. I'm mostly sleeping from 5 to 7 pm and then 2 to 8 am. Guitarist seems to think that it's contributing to my bad mood. I think he's confusing correlation and causation. If I was feeling tired all the time I might agree, but I'm not. And yet... he's concerned, so I think I'll monitor it all the same.
This weekend promises to be relaxing. I have zero plans from now until Tuesday. My tentative plans include working in my yard and maybe doing some writing if I can manage it without getting completely demoralized, but in reality most of my plans include Dark Souls III and some serious Overwatch beta envy.
I'm lucky (???) that everyone I'm close to knows at least somewhat what depression is like. I don't have to struggle to explain with them that things aren't their fault and no they can't really DO anything to help, the most helpful things they do are EXIST and love me when I'm not capable of loving myself.
Also I started my period, and the beginning of the bleeding usually signals the end of my more serious emotional instability. I'm hoping this might act like a reset button on my mood and allow me to get back to, I don't know, processing my grief in healthier ways. I don't hope to feel well, yet, but I do hope to feel better.
I've basically adopted a biphasic sleep schedule lately. I'm mostly sleeping from 5 to 7 pm and then 2 to 8 am. Guitarist seems to think that it's contributing to my bad mood. I think he's confusing correlation and causation. If I was feeling tired all the time I might agree, but I'm not. And yet... he's concerned, so I think I'll monitor it all the same.
This weekend promises to be relaxing. I have zero plans from now until Tuesday. My tentative plans include working in my yard and maybe doing some writing if I can manage it without getting completely demoralized, but in reality most of my plans include Dark Souls III and some serious Overwatch beta envy.
AutumnLeaves
New member
One day down of a relaxing stay-in long weekend and I'm already in a better mood. Not a great mood, but not "want to stop existing" levels of depression. I'm optimistic it's going to hold.
Irish invited me and any available partners (the mark of a good friend: he doesn't just invite Guitarist, when he invites me places he also makes sure to include Purr as a possible invite even when he knows she probably won't be able to make it because of having children) out to a burlesque show at the local gay bar tonight. Unfortunately, he invited me at 9:30 and it started at 10:00. Also I haven't showered, and have no money, and what money I do have I'm saving for the Steampunk game night next week.
My checking account got down to $12 last week. There were some exigent circumstances and unexpected expenses, and I have savings I can dig into in an emergency, but still. I haven't seen my checking that low since my college days of "well I have $2 in my bank account, so it looks like a fun night for a dinner of stale tortilla chips and strawberry jam because that's what we have." So I was stressing my way along until I got paid.
Meanwhile, Guitarist has made enough money off his EP to pay his bills for next month, so that's a huge relief to everyone involved. I like having him around the house, doing housework and making music and being happy. If we could swing it financially I'd support him like this indefinitely, because I think both of our qualities of life have gone way up with him working from home.
Purr has also been a lot more communicative over text again. It's almost like how it used to be, back before things fell apart for her and she started leaning on me too heavily and then things swung the other way and she seemed to be avoiding me. It makes me feel so much better and secure to get the random little "I love you" and "thinking of you"s that she sends me.
And that's it for this post. It was going to run a little longer but then I got sucked into blogs and now Guitarist is done with Dark Souls III and we're going to have a TV date.
Irish invited me and any available partners (the mark of a good friend: he doesn't just invite Guitarist, when he invites me places he also makes sure to include Purr as a possible invite even when he knows she probably won't be able to make it because of having children) out to a burlesque show at the local gay bar tonight. Unfortunately, he invited me at 9:30 and it started at 10:00. Also I haven't showered, and have no money, and what money I do have I'm saving for the Steampunk game night next week.
My checking account got down to $12 last week. There were some exigent circumstances and unexpected expenses, and I have savings I can dig into in an emergency, but still. I haven't seen my checking that low since my college days of "well I have $2 in my bank account, so it looks like a fun night for a dinner of stale tortilla chips and strawberry jam because that's what we have." So I was stressing my way along until I got paid.
Meanwhile, Guitarist has made enough money off his EP to pay his bills for next month, so that's a huge relief to everyone involved. I like having him around the house, doing housework and making music and being happy. If we could swing it financially I'd support him like this indefinitely, because I think both of our qualities of life have gone way up with him working from home.
Purr has also been a lot more communicative over text again. It's almost like how it used to be, back before things fell apart for her and she started leaning on me too heavily and then things swung the other way and she seemed to be avoiding me. It makes me feel so much better and secure to get the random little "I love you" and "thinking of you"s that she sends me.
And that's it for this post. It was going to run a little longer but then I got sucked into blogs and now Guitarist is done with Dark Souls III and we're going to have a TV date.
JaneQSmythe
Well-known member
yup.
sometimes I just need to make my own plans. and if people show up then that is fine. and if they don't, then that is their loss.
(Ideal? no. but sometimes you just need to have A plan, even if it isn't the BEST plan.)
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AutumnLeaves
New member
Exactly.
And I used to live my life like that. I mean, this whole poly adventure started after I went solo to New Jersey because Guitarist couldn't go on my preplanned vacation with me.
I don't know when I got out of the habit of making my own plans and letting people join as is their inclination, but it's probably time to start making my own plans again. If Purr (or Guitarist or Flame) want to join me on hijinks that's fine. But I shouldn't hold up making my own plans when I'm surrounded with people who have unpredictable schedules or are indecisive. It just leaves my feeling in limbo.
At least this way, I know what I'm doing. Maybe not who I'm doing it with, but half the plan is in place.
I think the trap I fell into is that I really love spending time with my people. I don't want to schedule so heavily my social time that I miss out on opportunities to see Purr, for instance, and hers is the least predictable schedule since it involves kids. But especially as I'm feeling more like myself after a year or so of crises, if I really want to do something and she (or Guitarist or Flame) can't give me an answer, I need to just make my own decisions.
And I used to live my life like that. I mean, this whole poly adventure started after I went solo to New Jersey because Guitarist couldn't go on my preplanned vacation with me.
I don't know when I got out of the habit of making my own plans and letting people join as is their inclination, but it's probably time to start making my own plans again. If Purr (or Guitarist or Flame) want to join me on hijinks that's fine. But I shouldn't hold up making my own plans when I'm surrounded with people who have unpredictable schedules or are indecisive. It just leaves my feeling in limbo.
At least this way, I know what I'm doing. Maybe not who I'm doing it with, but half the plan is in place.
I think the trap I fell into is that I really love spending time with my people. I don't want to schedule so heavily my social time that I miss out on opportunities to see Purr, for instance, and hers is the least predictable schedule since it involves kids. But especially as I'm feeling more like myself after a year or so of crises, if I really want to do something and she (or Guitarist or Flame) can't give me an answer, I need to just make my own decisions.
AutumnLeaves
New member
So this weekend was a mixed bag. In good news, I'm feeling consistently more like myself and less like depressed me. I had a good conversation with Guitarist over the weekend and he agreed that he had been concerned about me and was glad to see progress.
In bad news, I was sitting next to my sister at dinner out with my mom on Sunday. My obviously ill sister. Who went to the ER yesterday after getting dicked around at urgent care on Monday.
My sister, it turns out, has mono.
At this point, I have to presume I've been exposed to it. And since mono can be both simultaneously contagious and asymptomatic for almost 2 months, and it's mostly spread through saliva (which means sneezing and coughing) it's going to take some lifestyle changes on my part to keep people safe. I informed my various loved ones and coworkers so that they could make individual decisions about how much they want to be around me. Guitarist doesn't care and says that if I get it, chances are he can't avoid getting it anyway, so why bother. Work says I should just wash my hands a lot and work from home if I'm having a sneezy day (I have my own office and see people almost never, so it's only my secretary that I'm really putting at risk).
Purr's situation is different. She has 2 kids and 3 other lovers to think about. So we got to have a long text conversation yesterday about exactly how much contact she wants to have with me. I would have totally understood if she didn't want me even coming over for the next couple weeks, but thankfully, that wasn't the option she decided on. I can still come over but not if I'm sneezing/coughing a lot. And no kissing.
Thing is, it's allergy season and I also have asthma. Among other things, I'm allergic to most trees and... grass. People are mowing their lawns like crazy lately and sneezing and coughing are basically par for the course for the entire rest of ever until things freeze again. I'm very concerned about this. Thinking about trying not to sneeze at her house for two months is making my nose itch.
I'm also bummed because I'm usually the one that cooks dinner for us. Cooking for her and the boys is an activity that I enjoy; it's how I show my affection and it and makes feel valuable. Except not for the near future I guess.
And now I'm wrestling with whether I should even go to steampunk game night at all. Should I put my life on even further lockdown over a virus I might not even have? Am I so selfish that I would risk maybe infecting a lot of cool people that I like just because I put more work into my costume and want to show it off? Ugh. What a fun time for this shit.
In bad news, I was sitting next to my sister at dinner out with my mom on Sunday. My obviously ill sister. Who went to the ER yesterday after getting dicked around at urgent care on Monday.
My sister, it turns out, has mono.
At this point, I have to presume I've been exposed to it. And since mono can be both simultaneously contagious and asymptomatic for almost 2 months, and it's mostly spread through saliva (which means sneezing and coughing) it's going to take some lifestyle changes on my part to keep people safe. I informed my various loved ones and coworkers so that they could make individual decisions about how much they want to be around me. Guitarist doesn't care and says that if I get it, chances are he can't avoid getting it anyway, so why bother. Work says I should just wash my hands a lot and work from home if I'm having a sneezy day (I have my own office and see people almost never, so it's only my secretary that I'm really putting at risk).
Purr's situation is different. She has 2 kids and 3 other lovers to think about. So we got to have a long text conversation yesterday about exactly how much contact she wants to have with me. I would have totally understood if she didn't want me even coming over for the next couple weeks, but thankfully, that wasn't the option she decided on. I can still come over but not if I'm sneezing/coughing a lot. And no kissing.
Thing is, it's allergy season and I also have asthma. Among other things, I'm allergic to most trees and... grass. People are mowing their lawns like crazy lately and sneezing and coughing are basically par for the course for the entire rest of ever until things freeze again. I'm very concerned about this. Thinking about trying not to sneeze at her house for two months is making my nose itch.
I'm also bummed because I'm usually the one that cooks dinner for us. Cooking for her and the boys is an activity that I enjoy; it's how I show my affection and it and makes feel valuable. Except not for the near future I guess.
And now I'm wrestling with whether I should even go to steampunk game night at all. Should I put my life on even further lockdown over a virus I might not even have? Am I so selfish that I would risk maybe infecting a lot of cool people that I like just because I put more work into my costume and want to show it off? Ugh. What a fun time for this shit.
AutumnLeaves
New member
Living life as a mono risk during allergy season kind of really sucks. Because I'm sneezing more or less constantly, I don't feel comfortable being out in public. I don't want to do something as dorky as wear one of those face masks everywhere. But being inside and at home all the time has its own challenges.
I've ultimately decided on not-going to the steakpunk night unless Guitarist really wants to get out of the house (he's been homebound in the extreme by his lack of funds and I think he was quite looking forward to the date). Ultimately, there will be another steampunk event in two months, one without the risk of getting a bunch of cool people sick. That will give me something to look forward to without the same amount of worry attached.
Despite the possible mono issues, my mood has drastically improved over the last week or so. I've been writing again. If there's a good barometer for getting back into a good mood, it's that I've been able to sit down and write without feeling like complete and total shit. Guitarist and I have been having sex recently. And finally, I think the amount of sun lately, and the fact that things feel like they're starting to settle in around the Purr/Quiet new relationship, have been helping. I'm a lot less anxious and depressed in general, to the point where it's stopped being this self-perpetuating cycle and started turning into a thing where I'm gradually feeling better. It's not an immediate or drastic change, but I woke up this morning and didn't immediately struggle with the futility of existence. That's a big improvement.
Since I don't have a steampunk game night to look forward to, plans for the weekend are just family dinner on Sunday. It's going to be a small one since my sister and niece won't attend (they don't want to get anyone sick if we aren't already sick). I plan to fill the rest of my weekend with video games, writing, and just chilling around the house with Guitarist and the pets. Who knows, maybe if the pollen counts aren't insane, I might be able to get into the back yard and throw a ball around with my dog.
I've ultimately decided on not-going to the steakpunk night unless Guitarist really wants to get out of the house (he's been homebound in the extreme by his lack of funds and I think he was quite looking forward to the date). Ultimately, there will be another steampunk event in two months, one without the risk of getting a bunch of cool people sick. That will give me something to look forward to without the same amount of worry attached.
Despite the possible mono issues, my mood has drastically improved over the last week or so. I've been writing again. If there's a good barometer for getting back into a good mood, it's that I've been able to sit down and write without feeling like complete and total shit. Guitarist and I have been having sex recently. And finally, I think the amount of sun lately, and the fact that things feel like they're starting to settle in around the Purr/Quiet new relationship, have been helping. I'm a lot less anxious and depressed in general, to the point where it's stopped being this self-perpetuating cycle and started turning into a thing where I'm gradually feeling better. It's not an immediate or drastic change, but I woke up this morning and didn't immediately struggle with the futility of existence. That's a big improvement.
Since I don't have a steampunk game night to look forward to, plans for the weekend are just family dinner on Sunday. It's going to be a small one since my sister and niece won't attend (they don't want to get anyone sick if we aren't already sick). I plan to fill the rest of my weekend with video games, writing, and just chilling around the house with Guitarist and the pets. Who knows, maybe if the pollen counts aren't insane, I might be able to get into the back yard and throw a ball around with my dog.
AutumnLeaves
New member
I realized this morning that it's been two months since I had an overnight with Purr. So it's gone from usually two but at least one overnights a month to zero overnights in two months. We've already had a conversation about how I'm not willing to give up my overnights, and I'm not a nagger, but (as morbidly curious as my analytical side is to see how long this will go on) I'm starting to feel like it's time to have another one.