Learning the ropes?

[FireFlee]

Hey everyone,

Quick question: Is it common to experience confusion when a partner starts being intimate with a new partner? I can't tell what's happening, but I almost feel like my attraction to my partner shut off, and when we are intimate, I think about them with their new partner. It's not sexy; it's confusing, and it hurts a little. I don't know what to do. I am fairly new to this, but I love my partner and genuinely want to work this out in a healthy way, through love, communication and boundaries.

I guess my question is, has it happened to anyone else, and does it wear off?

I think responses not geared to helping get to a place where I can feel more comfortable with her again won't be helpful at this point.

 

[Magdlyn]

Quick question: Is it common to experience confusion when a partner starts being intimate with a new partner? I can't tell what's happening, but I almost feel like my attraction to my partner shut off, and when we are intimate, I think about them with their new partner. It's not sexy; it's confusing, and it hurts a little. I don't know what to do. I am fairly new to this, but I love my partner and genuinely want to work this out in a healthy way, through love, communication and boundaries.

I guess my question is, has it happened to anyone else, and does it wear off?

Yes, it happens to a lot of us. Whether it was our own idea to open, and we were the first to date someone else (which is generally easy, exciting and fun, the new dating); or our partner's idea to open, and they are the ones first starting to poly-date; or a mutual decision to open, our own monogamous conditioning will make many, if not most of us, feel some kinda (unpleasant) way when our partner starts dating, and especially having sex.

Some people have less trouble with their partner having sex with another than sharing deep emotions, however.

And some people will get a sexual thrill out of imagining their partner having sex with another, or hearing some of the details of the sex/romance.

Sometimes it just wears off gradually as you get used to the idea. Sometimes you need to work on coping skills. Sometimes the discomfort is not there, and you immediately feel "compersion" (happy at your partner's happiness), or even, as I said, turned on.

It sounds like you are struggling and might want info about coping skills? Let us know more about how you two got to this point, so we can aim our advice accurately.

I think responses not geared to helping get to a place where I can feel more comfortable with her again won't be helpful at this point.

I don't know what this means. Like telling you to order her to stop dating others? Don't worry. This board ain't called polyamory.com for no reason.

 

[FireFlee]

Thanks for the response. My partner and I (WLW) have been together for about 7 months. I was unattached at the time we met, looking for a mono partner. I have been curious about Polyamory since coming out and haven't felt 100 percent honest in the monogamous relationship world and it felt dishonest to say I was fully committed to monogamy when talking to new people. My partner is married and their spouse has two partners. Since I was new to this, we decided to create a container for our relationship to build up some trust between one another. We only saw one another (outside of their spouse being their partner as well).

Now my partner and I share a calendar, and I see the new dates with their new partner. It was hard to see that at first, and while I am doing better, I still have a reaction to their new partner showing up on the calendar. I think I may be a little more monogamous by nature but I also have children and they take up a lot of relational space. I have gone on a date while dating my current partner, and dating more people isn't really appealing to me at the moment. I think I feel stretched enough, although I do wonder if it would help to loosen my up a little more with my partner and have fun dating others, but I also want to make sure I have enough time to nurture my relationships with my 3 kids. The weeks and weekends I don't have my kids, my partner and I are usually attached at the hip.

I feel in over my head a little but I try to lean on friends, go to therapy, take walks and busy myself, plus the great reassurance from my partner but I would love more coping skills.

Re:
I don't know what this means. Like telling you to order her to stop dating others? Don't worry. This board ain't called polyamory.com for no reason.

*I'm a little sensitive to the "your priorities don't match, or maybe this isn't the lifestyle for you" responses. I don't want to lose my sweet person, but I feel like this lifestyle is really hard sometimes.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello FireFlee,

A partner being intimate with a new partner, can be hard to wrap your mind around. Most of us have been conditioned to choose monogamy. That any intimacy with other people is automatically cheating. Is sinful. Is unhealthy. Will never work. With polyamory there's a whole new paradigm about that, however the monogamous conditioning doesn't go away so easily. You have to be persistent, about having polyamory in your life, and eventually, the new paradigm will take over. Don't give up.

Regards,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

Thanks for the response. My partner and I (WLW) have been together for about 7 months. I was unattached at the time we met, looking for a mono partner. I have been curious about polyamory since coming out.

You came out as polyamorous to your partner and friends? Or you came out as queer perhaps? Either way, you were first searching for a mono partner, but found a poly one instead? And you feel poly at heart too, so it's okay they are. Or something else?

I haven't felt 100 percent honest in the monogamous relationship world. It felt dishonest to say I was fully committed to monogamy when talking to new people.

Good self-insight. "Know thyself," as Plato said.

My partner is married and their spouse has two partners. Since I was new to this, we decided to create a container for our relationship to build up some trust between one another. We only saw one another (outside of their spouse being their partner as well).

Now my partner and I share a calendar, and I see the new dates with their new partner. It was hard to see that at first, and while I am doing better, I still have a reaction to their new partner showing up on the calendar.

It is funny how we can easily accept a poly partner coming into our lives with a spouse, and feel okay about the spouse, despite barely knowing our new partner, much less their spouse, but when the partner starts dating someone new, we tend to get a bit anxious. But the unknown is always scary.

I think I may be a little more monogamous by nature, but I also have children and they take up a lot of relational space. I have gone on a date while dating my current partner, and dating more people isn't really appealing to me at the moment. I think I feel stretched enough, although I do wonder if it would help to loosen me up a little more with my partner and have fun dating others, but I also want to make sure I have enough time to nurture my relationships with my 3 kids. The weeks and weekends I don't have my kids, my partner and I are usually attached at the hip.

I totally understand. When I first opened my marriage up to polyamory, I realized I really wasn't ready, since my three kids were still quite young and took up a lot of my time and emotional and physical space. Once they were older, later teens/early 20s, it was a much better time for me to start poly-dating. Lots of people are in mono/poly relationships, where the mono partner has the right to date if they choose to, but they may not actually make that choice, for a time, or ever.

I feel in over my head, a little but I try to lean on friends, go to therapy, take walks and busy myself, plus the great reassurance from my partner, but I would love more coping skills.

Things that help me when one of my partners starts dating someone new is to have a firm grasp on what time their date is, a good idea of what they will be doing and where, and what time they will get home (either to their own home, or to my place). I also insist on them having a shower. I may not want to have sex with them right away, or even for 12-24 hours. I don't want to try and bed a depleted lover. I'd rather wait til they have rested.

Sometimes I get envious if my partner goes on a special date with their OSO, a nice dinner, a day trip to a fun area, a concert... so I will make a plan for us to do something comparable in the near future too!

I like to know a little bit about their date, but not too much. I let my partner know exactly how much I am comfortable hearing about their date.

I, personally, am in no rush to meet a new OSO/metamour. I generally want to wait at least a couple months, in case things don't work out for my partner with the new person. I feel it would've been a waste of my time to meet them if they disappear out of partner's life tout de suite.

I've still never met Aries' gf Sadie, and they've been dating a year. But she lives 1.25 hours away, and we move in different social circles. He only sees her twice a month.

Some people like good morning and good night texts if our partners are spending the night with someone else.

Re:
I don't know what this means. Like telling you to order her to stop dating others? Don't worry. This board ain't called polyamory.com for no reason.

*I'm a little sensitive to the "your priorities don't match, or maybe this isn't the lifestyle for you" responses. I don't want to lose my sweet person, but I feel like this lifestyle is really hard sometimes.

Polyamory is more work at first, but as you get used to it, it becomes second nature.

 

[FireFlee]

Hello FireFlee,

A partner being intimate with a new partner, can be hard to wrap your mind around. Most of us have been conditioned to choose monogamy. That any intimacy with other people is automatically cheating. Is sinful. Is unhealthy. Will never work. With polyamory there's a whole new paradigm about that, however the monogamous conditioning doesn't go away so easily. You have to be persistent, about having polyamory in your life, and eventually, the new paradigm will take over. Don't give up.

Regards,
Kevin T.

Thanks for the encouragement, it's really helpful. Can you give some examples of what being persistent means?

 

[FireFlee]

You came out as polyamorous to your partner and friends? Or you came out as queer perhaps? Either way, you were first searching for a mono partner, but found a poly one instead? And you feel poly at heart too, so it's okay they are. Or something else?

I was looking for a mono partner, but found a poly one. I had been in one poly set up during my first queer relationship two years before. I was newly out and had no idea about Polyamory. That relationship fell apart pretty quickly; I had zero tools.

Good self-insight. "Know thyself," as Plato said.

It is funny how we can easily accept a poly partner coming into our lives with a spouse, and feel okay about the spouse, despite barely knowing our new partner, much less their spouse, but when the partner starts dating someone new, we tend to get a bit anxious. But the unknown is always scary.

This is so true. I met my partner's spouse pretty early on, on the second date. I just wanted to jump in, and I'm glad I did. He's great but honestly I still feel pretty awkward. Sometimes I don't know where to sit at dinner or who my partner's talking to when she says "babe"

I totally understand. When I first opened my marriage up to polyamory, I realized I really wasn't ready, since my three kids were still quite young and took up a lot of my time and emotional and physical space. Once they were older, later teens/early 20s, it was a much better time for me to start poly-dating. Lots of people are in mono/poly relationships, where the mono partner has the right to date if they choose to, but they may not actually make that choice, for a time, or ever.

I would love to surround myself with loving partners, eventually, but when I think about that, I immediately feel guilty for holding a double standard. When I think of my partner falling in love with another person, it makes me feel afraid.

Things that help me when one of my partners starts dating someone new is to have a firm grasp on what time their date is, a good idea of what they will be doing and where, and what time they will get home (either to their own home, or to my place). I also insist on them having a shower. I may not want to have sex with them right away, or even for 12-24 hours. I don't want to try and bed a depleted lover. I'd rather wait til they have rested.

Do you have any tips for when they sleep over with a new partner for the first couple of times?

Sometimes I get envious if my partner goes on a special date with their OSO, a nice dinner, a day trip to a fun area, a concert... so I will make a plan for us to do something comparable in the near future too!

I like to know a little bit about their date, but not too much. I let my partner know exactly how much I am comfortable hearing about their date.

I want to stay connected and hear about her experiences but I am afraid, too. I'm getting better, but like you said, the unknown is scary.

I, personally, am in no rush to meet a new OSO/metamour. I generally want to wait at least a couple months, in case things don't work out for my partner with the new person. I feel it would've been a waste of my time to meet them if they disappear out of partner's life tout de suite.

I don't want to miss an opportunity to love my partner and know her better by not meeting a meta. I also want to rip the band-aid off but I'm afraid I'll throw up and die.

I've still never met Aries' gf Sadie, and they've been dating a year. But she lives 1.25 hours away, and we move in different social circles. He only sees her twice a month.

Some people like good morning and good night texts if our partners are spending the night with someone else.

I would like that, but I find that I kinda obsess and wait for a text, and my partner is not very good at remembering that when they're in the middle of spending time with a new person. I don't really like that, but I also just kinda have to accept that I think.

Polyamory is more work at first, but as you get used to it, it becomes second nature.

Thank you for taking time to answer my questions thoughtfully.

 

[Magdlyn]

I met my partner's spouse pretty early on, on the second date. I just wanted to jump in, and I'm glad I did. He's great but honestly I still feel pretty awkward. Sometimes I don't know where to sit at dinner or who my partner's talking to when she says "babe"

Oh shoot, your partner needs to have different pet names for each of you, maybe.

I would love to surround myself with loving partners, eventually, but when I think about that, I immediately feel guilty for holding a double standard. When I think of my partner falling in love with another person, it makes me feel afraid.

Surround yourself with partners? How many lovers do you want, homie? I only ever want two, tops. I've tried three, and it's too many for me. I start to forget whom I have told what to. I feel like I'm running back and forth like a chicken with its head cut off. Maybe it comes from having three kids. (And they weren't easy kids.) I used to say 2.5 kids would've been enough. (Now one of my daughters is pregnant with #6. I can't even... oddly, the other two don't have any lol. Sorry, tangent.)

Back to you. I see you are very new to practicing polyamory, and are really feeling a lot of anxiety. Remember, if you're poly, falling in love with a new person doesn't mean you fall out of love with the others. My bf Aries is so crazy about me, it's ridiculous. And he's got another partner ... they say "I love you" too, apparently. But each love is different. Aries also has brothers and friends he is real close with. But tbh, I am his primary over everyone else. His choice. Just the same, he has to make the call to meet other's needs sometimes, before mine. I'm just glad he has an outgoing personality and lots of love around him.

Do you have any tips for when they sleep over with a new partner for the first couple of times?

The best thing to do is try and find really really absorbing things to do, activities where you have to focus so hard, the hamster wheel in your brain can't function. Go to the gym, do machines or a high-energy exercise class. Do a sport you like. Climb a rocky trail. Go dancing with friends, or go to an upbeat concert. Do a super-absorbing creative project (one of those paint and sip classes with a good friend?). And when all else fails, masturbate (if you like that kind of thing).

I want to stay connected and hear about her experiences, but I am afraid, too.

Well, it's also up to your partner's partner how much they can share. Lots of people don't want intimate details shared, sex, or just personal info about their lives. One should always ask a partner how much they are comfortable having shared with others.

What are you afraid of about hearing about your partner's experiences? Do you have any compersion? I always have had some. I like my partner to be happy, and I also want to make sure my partner's partners get enough of their time and support too. It gives me the warm fuzzies.

I'm getting better, but like you said, the unknown is scary.

I don't want to miss an opportunity to love my partner and know her better by not meeting a meta. I also want to rip the band-aid off but I'm afraid I'll throw up and die.

lol It's almost never as bad as you think it will be. I remember meeting Pixi's first bf after we started dating. Oddly, he brought his other partner (a guy) with him to her apartment. I think we just had a glass of wine or two and chatted. It was all over in an hour or 90 minutes. I didn't throw up or die! In fact, her bf was super sweet. That relationship didn't last long. Turned out his bf couldn't deal with poly.

But the next guy Pixi dated, wow. What a sweetie. I almost wouldn't have minded dating him myself, but we don't do that. Big gentle giant bear of a guy, just the biggest heart, so funny, like a big tree he was. He was originally from Spain, and had the nicest soft accent. And he looked you right in the eyes. So trustworthy and respectful. I loved knowing when she was with him. I learned I could really trust Pixi's taste in dates.

I wasn't jealous since I was also finding plenty of guys to date back then, keeping busy myself. Not that I always had a date with someone when she did. That hardly ever happens. We both just had fun girl talk dissecting our own feelings around dating. We talk everything to death.

I would like that, but I find that I kinda obsess and wait for a text, and my partner is not very good at remembering that when they're in the middle of spending time with a new person. I don't really like that, but I also just kinda have to accept that, I think.

Oh, well then, maybe you'd rather not get a good night text, for those reasons. They certainly aren't necessary. They can feel like an interruption in your evening.

Thank you for taking time to answer my questions thoughtfully.

Sure.

 

[kdt26417]

Hi FireFlee,

Well when I said persistent, I was mostly thinking of not giving up on the relationship, i.e., of not breaking up. But I guess it can mean other things, such as, not giving up on your partner, e.g. not going silent on your partner. Things like that.

Regards,
Kevin T.