Let's try this again....

I'm glad you are not going away, AJ. There is so much to learn on this forum. I am really glad that you are able to take baby steps with your partner. It sounds like she is moving very slowly and that is a good thing.

Is she on here or reading up? I would love to talk to her too, as I remember where I was at with all this when I told my ex-wife that I was interested in men still.

I really feel for your situation, as it is so much like how we started out. It has made me so proud of my journey and all the work I have put in. I continue to feel blessed and fortunate to be so loved too.

I am fiery when I hear that people are being mistreated because they aren't standing up for themselves, and when they are mistreating others because either the other doesn't know what is going on or is unable to stand up for themselves.

My ex-girlfriend used to call me a kind of poly superhero that protects the weak and those going down a path of destruction. I don't know about that, but it made me feel that I am at least a voice of some kind of reason in the poly world.

I know sometimes people don't want to hear it, but most of the time people appreciate that I can sum up stuff that they are not seeing, and kick them in the ass at the same time. Besides, if you don't want a real opinion, then don't start a thread, I figure.

I don't have any reason to do that with you AJ. You are kicking your own ass, and treating each other with the respect you both deserve. No wonder you have had such a successful relationship so far! I'm so glad to hear that you are both working on making it even better and stronger! Nothing like a shot of poly to do that. If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger and even more in love. I guarantee it!
 
redpepper said:
Nothing like a shot of poly to do that. If it doesn't kill you, it will make you stronger and even more in love. I guarantee it!
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I must admit, I probably wouldn't recommend poly to a couple if they were trying to make their relationship stronger and better. We truly have some very different wiring! Not a bad thing. It just makes us stronger and better.
 
MonoVCPHG said:
I probably wouldn't recommend poly to a couple if they were trying to make their relationship stronger and better.
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I simply meant that by challenging their relationship to be better after a stagnation time, they would have the chance to make their relationship stronger because of their interest in poly. No, I would not recommend poly to mono people as couples therapy. They just can't handle it.

:D cheeky!
 
I don't have any reason to do that with you, AJ. You are kicking your own ass, and treating each other with the respect you both deserve. No wonder you have had such a successful relationship so far! I'm so glad to hear that you are both working on making it even better and stronger. Nothing like a shot of poly to do that. If it doesn't kill you it will make you stronger.
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Yeah, well, if nothing else, the discussion in general has helped our relationship in terms of re-evaluating us, what we want and what we don't, and more importantly, why. It also got us talking about us and what we need to improve.

Like I said, I am the one who started the convo, because I am really good at seeing both sides of a situation. When I read the Jenny Block article that came up under my AOL news headlines, I was like, hmm... I could see the good things about it. I can also guess the possible negatives, at least as it pertains to me and my relationship, but did not weigh that first before broaching this with Dawn I can't guess when it comes to others. I think that it is an advancement in consciousness to make this sort of arrangement work. I commend those who can.

Since I am very spiritual in how it relates to energy and consciousness, I knew there had to exist something on this from a perspective I could really relate to. I googled Spiritual Polyamory and came across Mysticlife's spiritual polyamory. He has a book, website, and a YouTube video of him reading from his book, and I could TOTALLY relate to what he was saying. He definitely challenges ideas and social norms and why. It made me realize that, spiritually speaking, a majority of society is trapped in what I like to call 'toddler consciousness'... basically ego (myself included, although at least I realize it).

Funnily enough, the toddler years are when the ego is formed. I always find it humorous when my partner and I get 'in trouble' for touching each other or showing any sort of affection in his presence, because it is not being geared towards him. Toddlers do not like to share and are very 'me' and 'mine' oriented. Anyway, this whole subject has given me so much insight if nothing else.

Dawn's views would be interesting; however, she is not a forum kind of a person. She likes her internet to check her email, watch something on Hulu, or play Yahoo word games. LOL So you wont find her here.

If and when we were to discuss this again, later down the line, and Dawn had an interest, I would want some things on this forum to be required reading. I think at this point, it would be much easier to be poly out of the gate with someone that I was just starting a romance with, not someone that I have been in a closed relationship all this time with, built my life with, and have a child with. We have too many things riding on the success of our relationship to intentionally add another potentially difficult variable to it, on purpose. This goes for me, as well. The cost/benefit ratio of me meeting someone new are just too big and not worth it to me at this point.

I appreciate all your feedback. Keep up the good work here, and with your loves.
 
I forgot to mention that we have a toddler. That's why I referenced what he does up there. Little jealous thing, he is.
 
Thanks for the spiritual links. Very interesting, indeed.

What's the Jenny Block thing?

I'll have to check up on Hulu too!

Jeez, so much to catch up on!
 
AJbear77 said:
I don't like the idea that a man can penetrate her and I can't. This is WAY more intimacy than I am able to have...the ability to feel her inside, and I don't want to share her in a way that I am not able to have her if that makes sense.
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To me (as a man), the act of penetration is not what brings intimacy to my relationship with my gf. How close can anyone be physically is only a matter of a few inches. True intimacy comes from a meeting of the minds, imo.

The most intimate moments my gf and I have shared have not involved my penis being anywhere near her vagina. Just holding each other and talking all night, sharing our thoughts, hopes, fears, desires, etc., have brought us closer together than any of the penetration we've experienced.
 
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AJ, it sounds like you're pretty in tune with what's driving your psyche. Intimacy issues, trust issues, jealousy and emotional abandonment-- what a smorgasbord! It isn't hard to see why you feel the way you do. Obviously, fears need to be dealt with adequately for you two to be able to move forward. Are these issues surmountable?
 
ThirdWheel said:
To me, the act of penetration is not what brings intimacy to my relationship with my gf. How close can anyone be physically is only a matter of a few inches. True intimacy comes from the mind.

The most intimate moments my gf and I have shared have not involved my penis being anywhere near her vagina. Just holding each other and talking all night, sharing our thoughts, hopes, fears, desires, etc., have brought us closer together than any of the penetration we've experienced.
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Because of unpleasant life experiences, I don't see penetration with a penis as an intimate act either, unless it is attached to the RIGHT man. I was raped by a bf repeatedly as a teen, and again by someone I thought was a friend years later. There was nothing intimate about it.

But lying there at night, with my gf in my arms, talking, laughing, cuddling, even just being in the room with her and sharing a knowing smile... THAT was intimacy. No one can take away that intimacy you have with your gf, and no one can replace it, regardless of what differences their body has to offer.

The fact you're willing to listen to her desires and try to be open to them is a beautiful gift. She can be honest with you, and you can, in turn, be honest with her. Unless something goes seriously wrong emotionally between you two, I don't think she'd leave you for a man simply because he is a man.
 
XYZ123 said:
Unless something goes seriously wrong emotionally between you two, I don't think she'd leave you for a man simply because he is a man.
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Since I am the third wheel (M), I don't worry too much about my gf leaving me for her husband. LOL She and I get along extremely well. That does occasionally cause some issues between her and her husband. He and I are friends. We have talked quite a lot about our situation, but it is still hard for him sometimes, and I can understand why. She's a really great person.

We even broke up briefly because her husband couldn't handle the situation any longer. She and I were absolutely miserable. But he had a change of heart and now we're all back together, him and me as friends, and her and me as lovers (bf/gf).

I guess the point of my previous post was to say, don't worry about a man offering her something you can't (i.e., a penis), just offer what you have emotionally, and be there for her. If the love is meant to last, she will appreciate it much more.
 
XYZ123 said:
I was raped by a bf repeatedly when a teen, and again by someone I thought was friend years later. There was nothing intimate about it.
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There is never anything intimate about rape! On behalf on the male of the species, I apologize. Rape is about anger and domination. The assholes who do that should be shipped off to a deserted island and given a pistol with one bullet.

I hope you know that there are men in the world who are grown-ups and treat women with respect.

A little education goes a long way. Support education initiatives in your area. End public service announcement here.
 
Sorry, ThirdWheel. I was actually responding to the OP, but used what you wrote as a quote because I liked it, and thought it tied in well to what I wanted to say. Thank you.

Yeah... being raped sucks. I know that's the understatement of the year, but I've done a lot to move past it, so I sorta don't look back too much. I have an amazing hubby and many male friends. I don't look down on the male species because of what happened. I did fear men for awhile. But women can do horrible things, as well. I've moved on. Though I wouldn't even give the guys a bullet. Just an unloaded gun. Let 'em suffer.
 
I don't know

Thanks for all your nice responses. I just don't know. I might give a little too much importance to the penis, I suppose. LOL. I have all these issues surrounding this, but still reading a lot on it, like I am supposed to figure it out.

Supposed to get to some kind of place with it inside.

I am still working it out. I don't know what I want, or why.

I can't stop reading about polyamory. It is so intriguing. I mean, many people just know they are poly, like how I just always knew I was gay. It is confusing.

I do love love. I feel that I am more monogamous, but don't know if that is fear or from the cultural influence or just me.

I have a long distance friend, Daphne, I made about 6 months ago. I just love her dearly, the kind of love that you want to express in more ways than one... but not just desire. When Dawn and I started talking about this a few weeks ago, I told her about my strong feelings for Daphne. Dawn already knew that I felt very kindred with Daphne. It is not that I think Daphne necessarily feels the same way. She is with a man and all that, and she lives about as far from me as possible, but my point is, the feelings are there.

I feel like with Daphne and Dawn right now, my bases are pretty much covered.

Whew.
 
AJbear77 said:
Many people just know they are poly, like how I just always knew I was gay.
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My husband asked me the other day why we are doing this (polyamory). I thought of when I came out as gay years ago. He asked me what my intentions were. I had no answer for him for a bit. I had no idea. With more conversation, I came to the conclusion that it is just my path. I am following my path. I have never been happier or more complete, and that's how I know it's right for me. Nothing more, really. When I came out as poly it was for the same reason. It was my path.
 
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