Letting go of my white picket fence

[pancake]

So I'm in the process of letting go of what I thought my life would be like. It's freakin hard! I'm incredibly grateful for the opportunities I've had, especially career-wise. But I didn't love my first real job, and I'm transitioning out of it within the next year and a half.

At pretty much the same time as I am making this huge decision, my couple comes into my life and wants to make us a triad. I want to. We've had a rough road (I have a personal summary on the newest page) but I love having them in my life. My hang-up is letting go of that white picket fence, the soulmate man (I think I would like to identify as mono more than I actually am), the happily-ever-after marriage and adventures.

I get resentful sometimes for little things, because B and H are married and have gotten to do their wedding, the newlywed thing, and they get to play normal happy couple to his parents. I'm not bound and determined to have those things. I'm a fairly independent and somewhat rational person. But every so often, I get all indignant that I might never have in-laws. It's weird.

I wonder, has anyone else been here? How did you deal?

 

[MyNameIsMaam]

Your life isn't defined by this particular moment in which you find yourself. Relationships come. Some hang around for a while. Nearly all of them eventually run their course and you move on.

Are you still hanging out with those folks in middle school you thought were your forever friends? What about the ones from high school? Are you still in the first job you ever had or have you moved on?

Life changes. You change. Don't think that this current reality is your forever future.

Be in the moment and enjoy it, but know that it isn't permanant.

 

[Breathesgirl]

I'm in the process of letting go of what I thought my life would be like. It's freakin hard! I'm incredibly grateful for the opportunities I've had, especially career-wise. But I didn't love my first real job, and I'm transitioning out of it within the next year and a half. At pretty much the same time as I am making this huge decision, my couple comes into my life and wants to make us a triad. I want to. We've had a rough road (I have a personal summary on the newest page) but I love having them in my life. My hang-up is letting go of that white picket fence, the soulmate man (I think I would like to identify as mono more than I actually am), the happily-ever-after marriage and adventures. I get resentful sometimes for little things, because B and H are married and have gotten to do their wedding, newlywed thing, get to play normal happy couple to his parents. I'm not bound and determined to have those things. I'm a fairly independent and somewhat rational person. But every so often I get all indignant that I might never have in-laws. It's weird.

Remember, monogamy isn't all it's cracked up to be. I've been there, twice, and own the t-shirt.

Give me a relationship where the partners communicate, respect each other, talk their problems out without anger and name-calling, and there's love, and I'm happy. Give me more than one relationship like that and I'm in heaven!

MyNameIsMa'am is correct, though. Life changes. We change. We move on to bigger and better things. Enjoy the moment, for it may never come again.

 

[redpepper]

Yeah, I get where you are coming from. I felt and feel this way sometimes. It sure would be easier. Or so we are led to believe.

I tried this route for a few years, just for the hell of it, and it turned out that it made me depressed, a bitch, and a crappy person full of resentment and rage against what I am supposed to be. It does come around when I see my parents struggle to understand, or when I go to PTA meetings at my son's school and find myself biting my tongue when I want to talk about my bf Mono, when I also have a husband.

It's a small sacrifice for my happiness and the happiness of those who love me. They get the best of me now, and that is much better than any old white fence I used to think I should be aiming for.

 

[pancake]

True

Your life isn't defined by this particular moment in which you find yourself. Relationships come. Some hang around for a while. Nearly all of them eventually run their course and you move on.

Are you still hanging out with those folks in middle school you thought were your forever friends? What about the ones from high school? Are you still in the first job you ever had or have you moved on?

Life changes. You change. Don't think that this current reality is your forever future. Be in the moment and enjoy it, but know that it isn't permanent.

The only constant is change, right? Then why's it so difficult to just roll with it? LOL. It's good to have the reminders. I want the magic answer, but I know it's just what it is.

 

[pancake]

I remember that monogamy isn't all it's cracked up to be. I've been there, twice, and own the t-shirt.

Give me a relationship where the partners communicate, respect each other, talk their problems out without anger and name calling, and there's love, and I'm happy. Give me more than one relationship like that and I'm in heaven!

MyNameIsMaam is correct, though. Life changes. We change. We move on to bigger and better things. Enjoy the moment, for it may never come again.

That's kinda what I figure. I see so much resentment and strain in mono marriages. I think that's why I've never jumped into relationships/getting married/etc. The openness is what I dig about doing this poly thing. I was away from my couple for two weeks and just got to see them again... Cloud nine!

 

[pancake]

thank you

Yeah, I get where you are coming from. I felt and feel this way sometimes. It sure would be easier. Or so we are led to believe. I tried this route for a few years, just for the hell of it, and it turned out that it made me depressed, a bitch, and a crappy person full of resentment and rage against what I am supposed to be. It does come around when I see my parents struggle to understand, or when I go to PTA meetings at my son's school, and find myself biting my tongue when I want to talk about my bf Mono...

It's a small sacrifice for my happiness and the happiness of those who love me. They get the best of me now, and that is much better than any old white fence I thought I should be aiming for.

Thank you, Redpepper. I've read a lot of your stuff on here. It's nice to know even you feel it.

 

[spaghetticat]

I don't have any advice. I feel that one of my loves feels like this sometimes, and it breaks my heart, but I am trying to just be happy that right now we are all happy. Everything eventually leads to sadness or changes, so I am just trying to enjoy the happy moments. It's hard, but I am trying to, even though my situation is different.

Hang in there. Many many hugs!

 

[pancake]

I don't have any advice. I feel that one of my loves feels like this sometimes, and it breaks my heart. but I am trying to just be happy that right now we are all happy. Everything eventually leads to sadness or changes, so just trying to enjoy the happy moments.

Hang in there many many hugs!

Hugs ALWAYS appreciated! Thank you!!!

I kinda just try to go with it. I'm happy with where we are, so there's no need to "what if" the situation. That doesn't mean I'm very successful at not "what-iffing."

B just tells me to get over it. He's such a guy.

 

[ray]

Sometimes I worry that because I'm dating O and thus also involved (albeit not physically) with A (and they're married) that I won't be paying attention and will miss my dream man and dream wedding and dream life. I'm pretty focused on them so I don't tend to be very interested in other relationships right now. But I think it's working right now because I'm pretty young and I've got a little time before the eyebrows start raising and people wonder why I'm not married and/or dating guys I could marry.

 

[pancake]

Sometimes I worry that because I'm dating O and thus also involved (albeit not physically) with A (and they're married) that I won't be paying attention and will miss my dream man and dream wedding and dream life. I'm pretty focused on them so I don't tend to be very interested in other relationships right now. But I think it's working right now because I'm pretty young and I've got a little time before the eyebrows start raising and people wonder why I'm not married and/or dating guys I could marry.

Sounds similar to my situation. But they (B especially) want to make it a forever thing and also a closed thing. So there'd be no other boy toys for me. You are young (I stalked you for a second ), so I agree. No worries for a good while! I've got a few years on ya, but my traveling and job give me an excuse to not to "settle down."

 

[ray]

Ah, I see. Sometimes I wonder if the three of us would ever do that. I think he would maybe want to but I'm not sure if she would. I am allowed to date others but have yet to take them up on it. I think my parents occasionally wonder if I'm a lesbian. I have yet to bring home a boyfriend of any kind. Little do they know, I do like women, i think. haha. Still working on that one.

 

[pancake]

B is very all or nothing in everything he does. So the forever thing is really his idea, although H is happy to go along with it. She's also entertained my freaking out, and let me go through it when he wanted to fight me. It's complicated. We'll see if it actually works that way. Freedom is nice to have, though! I'm still deciding if I think I'm actually bisexual, or pansexual, or mono going through a phase. Although I'm pretty sure that last one is not the case. Who says we have to decide, anyway?

 

[ray]

I guess categories are somewhat arbitrary anyhow. I think I'll know if I fall in love with a woman. Just hasn't happened yet. Freedom is good. I like that about my relationship. But commitment can be more secure. At least in my mind. Maybe because I'm insecure.

 

[redpepper]

You don't have to decide for life, anyway. These things are fluid, it seems. I have identified as many different things over my life. I suspect that I will not stay where I am now either. Just going with the moment seems like the best option to me.