Life advice needed

[Sphinx]

So, 6 months ago, I started dating this girl, or guy, as he is trans. He's attracted to men, and makes it very clear, men ONLY. Somehow, 3 months back, he started up a dating account without letting me know, somehow got 2 other men to date, and a woman! I'm fine with 1 other partner, but 3? I'm mono, and he just told me he's poly, and it's kind of heartbreaking. I thought we had some sort of "unique" thing, but everything I do literally is already done by those other people.

I don't get mad, and I really want him to be happy, but it's just sad. And poly is supposed to have the consent of all parties? He just got my consent like last week, while dating them for 3 months, and only one of his other partners knows about any of the other partners.

What can I say? What can I do? And can someone explain to me a poly mindset?????

 

[Evie]

Perhaps this guy doesn't see dating as having a relationship until a certain level of commitment and entanglement is reached. Perhaps he considers himself to simply be dating a few different people, testing out compatibility, getting to know his own preferences in how different people behave in dating situations.

As for you, you choose what your boundaries are, and if his behaviour is not compatible with your values, you walk away.

 

[Tryscia]

6 months ago, I started dating this guy. He's attracted to men, and makes it very clear, men ONLY. 3 months back, he started up a dating account without letting me know, somehow got 2 other men to date, and a woman! I'm fine with 1 other partner, but 3? I'm mono, and he just told me he's poly, and it's kind of heartbreaking. I thought we had some sort of "unique" thing, but everything I do literally is already done by those other people. I don't get mad, and I really want him to be happy, but it's just sad. And poly is supposed to have the consent of all parties. He just got my consent like last week, while dating them for 3 months, and only one of his other partners knows about any of the other partners. What can I say? What can I do? Can someone explain to me a poly mindset?

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It sounds painful and confusing. In healthy poly relationships, informed consent and communication are key. If your partner was dating others for months without telling you, that’s not ethical polyamory; it’s dishonesty. You’re allowed to feel hurt, especially if you’re monogamous and weren’t aware of the full situation. The “poly mindset” values openness, respect, and clear agreements. You deserve someone who shares your relationship values, or at least respects them. Talk honestly with him, and don’t ignore your own needs in this.

 

[kdt26417]

Hello Sphinx,

Your partner is treading on something of a gray area; monogamists usually don't date each other exclusively at first; maybe he doesn't feel you and he are going "steady" yet. He does need to communicate with you more.

Regards,
Kevin T.