Live in vs. Live out

MemphisMeli

MemphisMeli

New member
I am still getting my toes wet in this with my husband. I do not foresee us having any love interests living in our home with us (we have 4 children at home). I don't mind, if in the future, another love meets my children and even spends time with them. At this point, I would probably introduce them as "mommy's friend" and leave it at that. But I don't see us having them live with us in our home.

Are there others who keep their relationships outside of the home? How does it work for you? The other person? Can it work? I don't ever want someone I love to feel like they are limited in their ability to be in my life (not sure that made sense)... I don't want someone to feel excluded, I suppose.
 
I split my time as close to 50/50 as I can between my husbands. Meaning I live between two homes.

It works for me. I have been living this way for 3 years. Sometimes I feel like I live out of the bag I carry when I travel and lately I have guilt about my time gone. I have taken a position for work closer to my home with Murf than my other home. For financial reasons it makes sense for me to stay closer to work on days I work if possible. My kids are fine with it Butch is fine with it but I can't help but feel selfish.

Murf never wanted to get married or live with anyone. He changed his mind when he met me. He has me around yet still has his me time.

As for the kids.. Let me say this kids are not stupid. I have three. They figured it out quickly that Murf was more than "Mommy's friend". Unless you plan on being honest with them I wouldn't bring a SO around them. Kids resent being lied to.

Murf met my kids 6 months into it relationship and he was eased into their life. The younger two just rolled with it (they were 9&5 at the time). The oldest who was 18 had the hardest time.

Now my kids sometimes go with me to spend weekends or etc with Murf along with my dog. Depending on Butch's work schedule.
 
If they asked, I would never lie to them (I am more than familiar with what it feels like to have a parent lie to you). I just wouldn't necessarily volunteer information out of the blue.

My girls are exceptionally bright when it comes to emotional matters and I have no doubt that they would figure it out at some point.
 
My daughter figured it out really quick - she started having lots of anxiety because I would leave here and there to visit my then-boyfriend. She started watching me. I could see her worrying. I didn't want her to think I was having an affair, so my husband DarkKnight and I sat down and told her. Now it is no big deal. I feel like we should have shared from the get-go as it would have spared her some of that anxiety. She didn't meet that boyfriend until after we told her, yet she still knew something was going on.

When I was dating PunkRock, I started splitting my time between households, but it was really too difficult for me. I did it for a few months before PunkRock moved into the house I shared with DarkKnight. I felt torn a lot of the time - even though I was in NRE land with PunkRock, I was missing my day to day at home.
 
I spend 2 nights a week with my boyfriend, I take my kids one of those nights and they know he's my boyfriend. I stay 3 nights a week at my house (I work the other 2 nights) I am not interested in everyone living together, likewise if nate had a girlfriend she would not be at my house.
 
MemphisMeli said:
If they asked, I would never lie to them (I am more than familiar with what it feels like to have a parent lie to you). I just wouldn't necessarily volunteer information out of the blue.

My girls are exceptionally bright when it comes to emotional matters and I have no doubt that they would figure it out at some point.
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Why not? Are you ashamed to love someone else?

Just be honest and open. How can you raise open and honest children without leading by example? They shouldn't have to figure it out themselves. It makes poly look like some dirty little secret instead of the beautiful thing it is.
 
I wonder why you are asking if it's okay to have relationships with people who don't live with you. Are you under the impression that all poly partners have to live together in order to carry on their relationships? Just like in monogamy, there is a "getting to know you" courtship period, a time when you're seeing if the dynamic of the relationship works for you, and you certainly wouldn't move in with someone you don't know very well - unless you like to invite drama and disaster into your life. Yeah, some naive poly newbies do that, and it generally always blows up spectacularly in their faces.

You didn't move in with your spouse upon just meeting them, did you? And what if you meet and start to date someone who is also married or cohabits with another - you wouldn't expect them to leave the life they've created with someone else to move in with you, would you? Is it a personal requirement that you have daily contact in a relationship or could you be happy seeing someone once or twice a week, or every other week? Because you might meet and fall in love with someone who simply enjoys living alone and has no desire for a totally entwined kind of partnership.

My point is there is no formula. It's called dating, whether poly or mono, and dating has its ups and downs. All you need is kindness, compassion, affection, honesty, and common sense to make it work. People should come before the configuration or role you think there should be. Be open and flexible to the many possibilities for love and lovingness to come into your life, and put down the script.
 
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Dagferi said:
Why not? Are you ashamed to love someone else?

Just be honest and open. How can you raise open and honest children without leading by example? They shouldn't have to figure it out themselves. It makes poly look like some dirty little secret instead of the beautiful thing it is.
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I hadn't thought of it quite like that. More along the lines of not having the birds and bees talk until they are ready (for one daughter it was at age 5, another age 9, etc.).

nycindie, I wasn't asking permission... just curious as to how others handle it. The poly relationships that I have been in in the past, I was the one coming into an established relationship. I've never been the one to initiate dating into a formerly mono relationship. I haven't "dated" in over a decade lol I'm feeling a bit lost on how the logistics of other relationships work (knowing that all relationships are different).
 
Oh, I didn't actually think you were asking for permission, but you expressed some trepidation about a potential love interest possibly feeling "left out" or excluded if they couldn't move in with you and your family. So it seemed to me that you have some idea that the "standard" in poly is for all partners to live together. And there are many ways to incorporate having multiple relationships into the lifestyles people lead. As long as you don't limit yourself and your partners with unrealistic expectations, the world is your oyster!

For myself, I am solo poly. I am fairly recently divorced and enjoying living alone. I see several guys, and none of them know each other. All my relationships are managed separately and I eschew hierarchies in love relationships, so no one is considered "primary." If I get involved with someone who is married/partnered, I ask if he has any rules or restrictions in his other relationships that would affect me, and I see if the way he "does poly" fits with how I do it, and whether my own personal boundaries would be respected. I believe everyone should establish their own boundaries about what they will or will not accept in a relationship, but without making rules for other people to folllow.

Not sure if that helps you, but that's how I approach having multiple relationships.
 
I didn't tell Country the truth about me being polyamorous, let alone about S2 being my boyfriend (at that point, he still was) until only a month or two ago, but it wasn't because I was ashamed. It was because she has a very close relationship with her father (my ex-husband, been divorced since 2006) and has been known in the past to tell him things or twist the truth to play him off me. I was worried that, in one of her "I hate Mom" moments, she would tell her father I was in a poly relationship--and that would have opened yet another custody war at a point where her father and I are finally managing to coparent without despising each other.

When I finally told her, she assured me she knows her father wouldn't understand and that she wouldn't tell him, and said as long as her stepdad (Hubby) knows, she doesn't see why it was such an issue in the first place.

As for living together... I have enough trouble cohabitating with Hubby, and Hubby flat out can't handle having anyone else in the house sometimes, even me, Alt, and Country. If S2 or some potential future partner were to move in with us, it would be a recipe for disaster.

Fortunately, even if S2 and I go back to being "in a relationship" instead of our current status, he has no desire to live with anyone else at all unless he finds a partner in the future who's willing to have children with him. (I'm in my mid-40s and had a hysterectomy six years ago, so kids are not happening with me, though he implied a few days ago that if I were able to have kids, I would be the one he would want them with.) He wants more kids, but he gets antsy sharing living space with another adult, even one he loves. For him, having me go to his place a couple of times a week for a few hours at a time works; when we were relationshipping, I spent two nights a month at his place, but that hasn't happened since May.
 
Hi Memphis :)

Are there others who keep their relationships outside of the home? How does it work for you? The other person? Can it work? I don't ever want someone I love to feel like they are limited in their ability to be in my life (not sure that made sense)... I don't want someone to feel excluded, I suppose.
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I can understand why it's daunting and a little overwhelming for you to be getting back into the dating pool, especially from this new angle.

I think that there are plenty of people who live apart and plenty who actually prefer it this way :)

For instance, whilst my partner lives with both myself and her husband in the same house, she has a third partner who does not live with us. They've been together for about 18 months, are in love, and consider themselves to be in a potentially lifelong non-'primary' relationship. He has never met our daughter and we don't generally introduce other partners to her or talk about them with her. This is because we worry about her getting attached and hurt if we broke up with that person. At some point, she might be introduced to other partners - she knows that we are poly, but she's only six and we're trying to keep it simple. I have no issue with people approaching this differently - this is just how we approach it right now.

As for me, I actually often prefer some degree of separate living, even with a 'primary' partner. I love the fact that my partner already has a husband, because I get some time to myself. She shares a bedroom with him and sleeps in my room about twice a week. This is ideal for me and I don't feel any less important because of it. My ideal is actually to have my own studio/ADU attached to the main house so that I have my own space.

In terms of additional partners, I am actively NOT seeking another live-in situation! So, it is perfectly possible that you will have a future meaningful relationship with someone who doesn't actually want or need to be a bigger part of your life in the conventional sense, but who is very happy to just enjoy time and love with you in whatever format is feasible. :)

Edit - Another thing I meant to add is that one of the beautiful benefits of poly is that we can sometimes find ourselves in relationships with people we wouldn't choose as live-in partners, and therefore might eventually break up with if we were monogamous. Being poly offers us the opportunity to have successful live-in relationships whilst enjoying other kinds of relationships if we wish to.
 
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I have two homes in two different countries. Sometimes we live together all three of us but we have not tried that for more than a few weeks. Having a big enough space would be essential should we consider to all move together permanently. The solution we are looking at now is for my boyfriend to move very close to where my husband and I live (like a ten minute bus drive away) and then I would either switch homes, or the boys would switch, and then on weekends we would all live together in me and my husband's flat because that would obviusly be the bigger one. We are also looking into, in a few years, to buy property in my boyfriend's country, like a summer home. That puts limits on how big a house we can get in my home country. Nothing is put in detail yet. I enjoy having my different space with them, and also having some total alone time to walk around naked and have loud sex and be quirky together. I wonder how it will all play out when we have kids - we have sometimes also rented hotel rooms to get more privacy so we might opt for doing that at times. I am really looking forward to see how we could make this happen. The ones that I know about that live together all three of them has a huge house - surely living together in a smaller flat posts different questions. We also have to look at how much money all of us can bring in, and the cost of and space allocated to kids. And apart from buying property in his country we also need money to travel. It is really a puzzle. We will start with him coming to visit my country more, that way we will get a better grasp of what he would need to be happy living there.
 
As has been said, there are many ways to do poly. Although I welcome and enjoy long term love, I'm specifically not looking to have move-in relationships. I have a great thing going right now with a couple who live together and I love being the "guest" - that works perfectly for me and I feel the opposite of left out. I feel special and deeply appreciated every time we're together and I am free to enjoy any other partners as completely unique and separate connections. That's how I like it.

The key to making poly work for you is knowing yourself. There are many poly people who will fit your situation perfectly, it's just a matter of you putting out the signals to attract them. As nycindie said, poly dating is much like typical dating - the foundational element is you - your internal life and how you interact with others. There are all kinds of potential lovers out there, it's up to you to sort through them and settle in on the right connections. Some will fit perfectly and others will feel wobbly, depending on what situations and personalities are right for you. But yes, you can have any kind of poly connection you want.
 
Norwegianpoly said:
I enjoy having my different space with them, and also having some total alone time to walk around naked and have loud sex and be quirky together. I wonder how it will all play out when we have kids....
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I guarantee you that the "walk around naked and have loud sex" part will dramatically change when you have kids. Enjoy it while you can. ;)
 
LOL Angelina, that is too true!

Thank you everyone for all your advice and encouragement. I think my biggest issue right now is having NO idea how to date. Flirt, yes. I am an incurable flirt, always have been. But I haven't 'dated' in 13 years. lol
 
Hi Memphis,

I lived apart from my (two) poly companions for awhile and did fine. The privacy was nice. I think it just depends on the person and circumstances, you know?

Can't help you with the dating part, I suck at it. :rolleyes:
Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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