Living Truthfully Within

Perception VS Reality

Listening to this:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lP0D5u3EMfA

I love mixes like this. Especially anything by Bear Mccreary. I liked him a few years back, before he got a bit more famous like he is now.

Anyway,
I was thinking of my perception vs. Reality. I have been completely obsessed with this idea that back in the day I was a wow addict. I totally referred to myslf as one. But when I went to my account to look at how much I had actually paid for WoW month to month it was a grand total of 10 months over the course of 10 years. Ha!
That means on average I play a month a year. God. Fact don't lie. So why did I hate myself so much playing it then?

Or was it that I hated ex-husband so much because he prioritised that game above my kids and me? And therefore hated playing it because of this?

It's like being told your entire life that you are fat by your mother as a woman, but then waking up one day and realising you're 50 and a size 10 and nothing is wrong with you at all, neither then nor now, and you look back on old photos and go "what the fuck was I worrying about?

I feel much the same about WoW.

Interestingly I'm learning how to communicate, keep deadlines, organise events, speak up for myself and gain respect of those around me. Simulating this online is much like what I used to do as a teen when I was socially more awkward, I would practice "pretend" relationships online that I knew were never going to go into reality to then do so in reality later. This worked fairly well.

I still struggle with fight or flight (tending towards fleeing) in real life. I have been a bit of a hermit this year. But I am ok with that. I venture out when I need to, and I am mostly content to be obscure. Being "known" as an artist is not something I liked very much, and having people magnetically drawn to me, makes me very uncomfortable, so I prefer to live in virtual obscurity.

I am still looking for a dog. Narrowed it down to a breed I want too. This will force me out of the house and hoovering daily. Can't be a bad thing. Plus I'm in bad need of someone to pour all my love into and get unconditional love in return. What better than a dog.

My emotional state remains stable and improving. I am doing art daily, but things like sketches, and not things like oil painting. I think I might do another watercolour series. I usually do so in the months of October and November of all the summer pictures I pick up. This year I didn't take much of any, but I still have heaps from my travels to America last year I can work through.

I feel myself merging into that kind of older woman at a young age that sits quietly to myself, needing neither conversation or companionship, watching the world busy its self and I, march to my own drum beat, content with my small place in the large world. So much of my life has been to prove myself to others and right now, I feel no need to do any such thing with anyone. I just want to be, like a yogi student, in the here and now.

I have no grand plans this year, nor stress, my financial situation is stable. I do not feel the need to improve in any grand way, nor rush into any relationships, I feel content to just be.
 
Wanting


That ache beneath the surface
Regret that unfolded gently
The covers of the bed
Unmade
Unloved

Only the night before that lingers
A cold sweat the next day
Forgotten passions turn bleak
And all that was hope

Falls to the side

But in the eyes of the other
Wanting remains
Haunted images
Painting the future grey

Unable to release
unable to fly
The wings of hope die
Inside
All, a lie.
 
Like a fragment in the sky,
a light and illusion
do we ever keep love

or does it grant us a gift
on wings of light
to then flit away at the next space

a heart beat

a lifetime

How will I know,
when will I grow
into the woman
who has love for life
for the person who
can be a wife
is this incompatible with me

am Incomplete?

How do I become me?

Life lost
love tossed
gone to the wind like a sigh
a midnight goodbye
and once the story ends
it will be a page in my diary
a footnote to a friend
but what if I wanted more

an epic tale,
a heroic battle
a victory won triumphantly,
can such a thing be for me?

just a girl,
begging on my knees
pride gone,
given to the tears in my eyes
I bow my head and cry
please.
my love.
don't die.
 
"You cannot be anyone other than who you are; to thine own self be true. Ultimately, you do have to honor your own beliefs. And when it comes to crossing your own non-negotiable boundaries, you do not have a choice. You cannot be happy if your non-negotiable needs are not met. The question is not “Is it fair that my partner must have other partners,” the question is “Is my need to be monogamous a non-negotiable prerequisite for my own happiness?” If you are debating whether or not you can exist in a polyamorous relationship, that will tell you the answer. If you are not happy in your relationship, you’re not going to make your partner happy."
Quote from the website: More than Two by Franklin Veaux. https://www.morethantwo.com/polyformonogamouspeople.html

The things with Flynn ended spectacularly. To understand what went wrong I went to this website, pondering.. I realised I cannot be something other than I am. I am poly. I have wanted this, fought against it, hated it, grieved my wish to be monogamy, tried to control it, and ultimately, accepted, I am this way. And he is not. And worse he cannot accept my poly as origionally thought he could. He thought he could, but he couldn't. I even at one point offered to try monogamy. ???? It wasn't a good idea. It never is a good idea.
If I had met this person on OKC I would have ended earlier. But because it was in a place when I Wasn't actually looking for anyone...
I didn't have my walls up, I wasn't as careful or watchful.

I am so glad its done.

Irish Coffee asked if I wanted to put in an application to being a partner with him. I need some space out of my crazy to consider it. We are good together, I don't know what I want with that though.

At the same time, I started talking on skype to Leo again.

My brother got diagnosed with a serious mental health illness, it seems to run in our family. I grieve for him and hope he is able to get the help he needs. Everything unravels and builds, and breaks, such is life. And here I am in my home. In my life.
 
You meet people at the most unexpected situations. The world is like that. Sometimes it can be cruel, lost, sad and full of hate. But sometimes a light can be seen and only by you.

Do you approach or do you leave it?

Sometimes chances has to be taken.. It can be a long and rough road to walk on but the destination might be worth it. Quite often two vulnerable people can become quite strong or they might even destroy each other..


Stay strong and be the beautiful person you are.

The rain is weeping.
 
Fragmented Poetry

Feeling alive in the hope of the life

the life that i'm living a small goodbye.

I cry one last time for the girl who has died.

and take in her place the woman inside.

No longer I hide.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Goodbye.

----------------------------------------

Rainfall(Aka Flynn I mentioned in previous post) thank you for your words, and reply. They touched me deeply, as you know.

I am not sure yet how to reply to this here so I will leave it at thank you. You know what I feel, what I think and where I stand now- and I have understanding of you. I look forward to greater understanding too. :)

----------------------------------------

As for what's been going on. This weekend, tomorrow in fact, I have Ria and Irishcoffee stopping by for a gathering. Yay.

Also, Ivy got in touch recently via social media..and that has given me a lot of food for thought. I have also decided i'm ready to try my hand at dating a woman again, just not the previous two women mentioned as those ships have sailed ^_^ I'm not looking for one sided with a woman, i'd like a woman who wants to go down on me as much as I do her...XD

Things with the girls are good too. Life is good. I am at peace regardless of what happens in life, I feel very centered and focused on moving my life foreward now.

I've wasted 6 months in grief with Rocky. And 2 years in a relationship that I had hoped would lead to a committed life partner and it didn't. So no more time on him. I am going to make some goals and focus on my present and future.
 
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More Poetry

explosions of happiness inside me,
like fireworks and fierceness
the self that I am being
a gentle unbinding
unwinding
finding
timing

To what end?
Where does this lead,
this happiness..
the freedom..
this perfect emotion and expression of love?

------

Ria and Irishcoffee came over yesterday(and are still here!) and we are having such a good time. It feels like seeing family, only more. Last night also felt like the beginnings of my polycule. We did a lot of sexy fun things, and played some rope stuff a bit. I also partook in weed that actually made me mellow this time, and alcohol, something I haven't done either of in a long long long time.

The sexy time was fun because Ria watched- this was new territory for me! But I understand she doesn't want any thng with me, just enjoys such things (It isn't the first time she has watched stuff like this). I highly suspect she's a demi-sexual almost on the scale of Asexual just not quite that far.

We rehashed what happened last year and also, how we go forward now. Firmly in friendzone. Its cool I expected that so no hurt feelings this time. I explained where her actions were misleading (to me), and how she perceived flirting and my own. Fascinating conversations. So much has happened for both of us in the last year. She is also getting married soon. I have my reservations about the man, but mostly because I can see she is not in love with him, is just loyal to him, and that's ok, but I hope she doesn't sell herself short. I got married to my ex-husband as a rebound and based on what she told me about all this, it feels quite similar. But I could be projecting and maybe a bit protective.

I got an adorable pic of all three of us, enjoying the evening. Irish coffee also had a good time, and I bring out the girl in him. It's fun to watch, we all played dress up and kink play and generally was just super mellow and chill.

Zwerp On. Which is No Drams, (Dramas) backwards and upside down. We coined this inside joke a year ago and its been something we say ever since with fist pump included.

Now he's curled up in one bed, Ria in another and i'm sitting up at 4 am unable to sleep. Stupid messed up body clock haha. I love these moments of light and love I feel for my peeps, I only wish I saw them more, and that's entirely my fault as I shut down and shut off for the last 6-8 months with a lot of people.

Life is turning a corner. And I am so happy.
 
Learning Leadership

I don;t have a lot of skills to be a leader.

I tried as a mother, and more than often I fail.
I tried as a daughter, and then I gave up trying to please.
All my life I am a people pleaser. A giver, a lover, not standing up for me.
But who is this person now? A person with clear boundaries. A strong core?

The guild I was a part of in a game, that I had worked for 3 months now helping getting to know people, etc, fell apart. And why? because I stood up and lead, and when asked to have the rank to lead, was denied it. But at least I stood up. This virtual battle though petty and small to other people, was critically important to me. It wasn't just me saying "I want this", it was me saying, I have built this community, my friends, and here is how i'd like to run it...but being denied- and why? When some boy wants to keep it for himself, gasligting me and saying that the title means nothing. Then why am I doing everything for nothing/ This is what I asked myself. Why do I do that?
Why do I let myself be last and walked all over? Why?

Standing up for me, wasn't just about this guild, it was about respect. It ws about respecting me. IT wa about negotiating my own personal boundaries and helping people, it was about building a family of online friends. But none of it worked, in the end, the person who held power kicked me out and I started my own. And in the wake of this, I realised why it was so important to me. Why I need to matter more to me.

First was accepting I'm a gamer.
The second was accepting that as a woman in a mens world, I will always be seen as less than among some men. Not all, and certainly not the good ones, but the most often the most vocal.

But accepting that understanding doesn't mean I agree with or don't try to change it. This same game simulation is eerily similar to how I lost my job.
I see a problem, I want to fix problem, person in power goes, Back of Star or i'll push you out of the group. And this is why: I simply inspire people to talk back, to think for themselves, and to make their own choices. I don't put up with bullies and I never will.

"Still I Rise"

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may tread me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Poem by Maya Angelou
 
I dont have the right words anymore to express my pain.

I am grieving again so hard.



So I need to write. Write poetry until it bleeds out of my soul.

I am stuck in a glass cage of delusion
stuck in a hope and a dream
like ice that cuts my soul into pieces
I hurt those around me-
i'm mean.

the scars that I bear are like daggers
cutting deeper instead of healing
I am torn inside and ragged
I can't take much more of this feeling.

I look like a princess whose hiding
behind these doors of my cage
a broken heart and soul that is dying
the truth if just there
behind the stage.
 
Those are lovely, if sad, words. I am so sorry that things are so hard for you right now. It is not a real world and people get to be haters and trolls from behind the safety of a screen and online communities come and go. There will be more opportunities.
Ben Harper does a lovely version of Rise.
 
Poems about my girls. Starting with Shooting Star.

My Star

She Sparkles like diamonds and starlight,
Her vibrant soul is alive.
Vivacious and caring
She finds it:
The Truth behind the lies.

Her mind a brilliant inventor,
Creation at fingertips do,
An artist,
Entrepreneur,
and thinker.
She never settles or dilutes.

A leader is born in the making,
at adversities past she's arrived.
With hopes hands she's awakened,
driven to succeed,
to survive.
 
Yet more poems

Rosebud

The Sweetness of summers breath,
Awards the early riser,
From slumbering depths,
A prismatic Sphere of Colour

Her creation is natures kaleidoscope.

Within the hidden depths,
beneath the surface of a calm and crystal morning,
The sun peaks its head,
through night times shadows,

As my Rose blossoms in glory.

Among a bed of concrete,
cold and unyielding,
the single flower rises,
graceful in her mourning.

She is not alone in her fight.

all the while her petals flutter,
bringing peace to this barren land,
her stubbornness unrivalled,
Never to be broken.

As my Rose creates her own story.
 
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Tonight I ended things properly with Flynn, the man who was so perfect for me in all ways but one. He was properly not ok with poly, and I couldn't, cant, go back to monogamy. So..our last and final loving gesture was letting each other go. I had known him almost 4 months now. This hurt really hard, I spent all day yesterday crying. I was an absolute mess. He is the person who helped me with Rocky to get over him, he is the person who got past all my barriers even ones I held onto since my highschool sweetheart and first love. He..jsut got me on levels I don't even quite understand and vise versa. All my hopes crushed with him. He got me out of my pit of despair and loneliness, he helped me created art and feel again, he was my muse and friend and I wanted him as a life partner and he me. But we couldn't, we cant, and I wont ever ask him to change nor him me.

Why am I such a tragic mess in my life?

I create. I destroy. I create again.

The life of an artist.

Will I ever find stability and poly in the same lifetime? Can I do such a thing?
 
I have a clear direction I want to go in now.

I signed up with my therapy again. That is good. I signed up with the gym again. Good.

I am looking for a renter. Also good.

I signed up to art course that I did before, that I will keep working on. It's a huge motivation and help to have the extra set of eyes for my work with my clients, and it pays its self back for the 150 I spend a month I easily make an extra 800 with his help and I get higher quality clients as well. So it pays its self back 10 fold in my mind. Also without my teachers help I would never have been qualified or comfortable to do the work I do now. I will keep working here, and keep trying. I am ready to take it to the next level.

As far as the online community being just behind a wall. I don't think so anymore. There may have been a time that was true, but more and more the last few years the world is a smaller and smaller place.

Point in fact, created my own guild on Sunday, first people I invited, out of the 100k on that server, and 500k on eu servers in total at least, I found the husband of a woman I know locally LOL. She is an artist in another city near by and I know her work through my art connections. Are we best friends? No, but I do know her in my own social circles. Life is funny.

I also got a cat. Her name is lil Miss for this forum. Even my cat gets pseudonym. lol.
 
So, I am really all over the place this weekend.

It's Guy Fawkes here I UK, and going to irishcoffees place right now.

I may have found a fuck buddy locally for a few months. Could be fun. We'll see.

I went to see Irishcoffee last night, five hour trip getting stuck in traffic ;)

I did a car share through a company and met a really awesome guy, we had a lot of fun chatting, and more engineers ;)

With my kids I went to science museum for the day, out to lunch then ice skating. My physical laziness the 8 months is now a real issue, I could barely hold my self up and Rosebud to teach her how to do it. So, I really need to work on this!

No sexy nights with IC last night, I am not in the head space right now. And I think IC needs a friend more than lover right now. So I am going to do that. Also, I am headed to see Ria tomorrow and meet her friends for bowling. Will be fun!

As far as everything else...life is good.

I am feeling at peace with things and missing my cat. I hate I am so lo away from her. Life is good.
 
Spent late last night playing cards with IC and his roommate. First time with poker. I found myself struggling at first, almost lost then turned it around in three hands, and my last winning hand was a full house that was completely accidental, as they hadn't even explained full house since they said it was improbable it would happen on my first gameor ever. 😂😂 it was very satisfying proving I could play, and win. I sat at the table and met it.
Only wish it had been real money now. 😉
 
Weird weekend.

Didn't make it to two car shares, so I didn't see Ria yesterday sad face.
One because trains didn't run yesterday in time, the second because I was late misreading 6am as 6 pm. Oops!

1 confirmed person for thanksgiving dinner.

Also, trying to find new car share for today. Don't know what time. Thinking around 6pm. We'll see. Could be earlier.

I have half a mind to order pizza thanksgiving and chill out because, I don't think my own kids will be able to come...the ex is an ass, and well 2016 needs to be over already. It's been a shit year, and I'm still trying to salvage it. I am not sure where it went but it went super fast and I've just avoided the world I think.

This has been the hardest relationship to get over since my divorce. That's kinda saying something.

Told my youngest daughter when we were skating, look forward, you can't move foreward if you're looking behind. Wish I shared that point of view!
 
IC is lying to himself and therefor me. How do I know this? An interesting conversation with house mate, confirms he does change his behaviour for me, he tidies up when hes not tidy at all, he go outs of his way to help and encourage me in things.

I wanted to elaborate on the weird too. So, I asked him, during laying cards with him and his friend, who there is definitely chemistry between us, though I tried to ignore it, because messy people...

who was IC's messy people list? This is what I asked. He said he didn't have one. I said surely you must, like mono its easy- everyone is messy because only 1 love. I gave an example of work colleagues, they would be my messy people. Luckily I dotn work in an office but that's my boundary. I also gave example of my kids. Anyone I was daying was off limit to my kids, if I were say 10 years old and my kids were 20 and 19. So. Messy people.

He's seeing a new person, and that's fine, but doesn't seem to understand why people in hislife offer approval of the person he is seeing. He indignantly told me it was his choice whom he did what with. Well yes, technically it is, but if hes going to try include me and and his housmates around his choice of people ofcourse we're going to have opinions thoughts and feelings on the matter- not ot make his choice but just because we're also there too.

So during this game, I was sitting with him and a long time friend of his. I would say his friend is probably as intelligent as one of my ex's maybe more. He's off the scale smart. Or at least, IQ smart, not so much people smart as he really pushed IC. And I wasn't too happy about this. He basically said straight out to me to IC's face that I Was settling for him.

Lay down the gauntlets boys. Why can't I ever spend time with men platonically without them starting petty battles over me.

For one I am not an object to be won. For two, I simply wanted to play the fucking game! LOL.

Eventually IC got so huffy he went outside to calm down, he was super mad. I took the new guy to me aside and explained why his behaviour wasn't ok. It just wasn't. IC did nothing to antagonise him. The guy tried to warn me off IC saying that hes normally a dick, and that hes just putting ona show for me. I said the ony one putting on a show about being a dickwas him. And I knew IC for for almost 2 years now, and I had not seen him being a dick in this time, exception of my bday, which he has been going through a lot (Self absorbed I would have agreed with, dickish no.)

So yeah, I hate hate hate that the irony of this situation was, that both these men are cameos of my past. The friend looks like my first crush from highschool. And IC looks like my ex-husband :S
It's very odd indeed.

Patterns repeat and play themselves again.

Back on the topic of the solo poly, I don't think that includes not considering the other people in your life you are dating. I didn't get Rocky's approval for dating others, but I asked him to meet and what he thought about said people, I considered if all would fit in each others lives, at least cordially socially. The only one who didn't was ironically IC but hes been my most loyal friend of all, and I need him as a friend more than lover. I really do.

I have friend zoned bothIC and roommate in my mind. Theres a time and place for relatonships, right now with these people it is not the time or place.

I love the sense of family they have their home and being a small interloper into it, ocassionally..It's lovely, most of them are lovely people. Kind and considerate :) And I have a good time there. But I am peripherial, and that's just how I like it. I have my unit of 1.5 here with Lil Miss.

I don't conform well or fit in well, and I'm ok with this. I've decided I'm confortable on the outside.
 
I have a bugbear boiling under my skin for sometime now. It's something about my personality that I have realised is a serious annoyance for me, but I just didn't realise how deep it went.

I had therapy today, and, I just went off a Z a man from my social circle, who is a friend. He's been ultra clingy lately texting me a lot and I just said can you please STOP already?! I just lost my shit at him.

And I realised why later. Basically, I hate hate hate the fact that I when I am around men they "tell me what to do", and *I LET THEM*. I mean I don't know why I do this. But its becoming more and more apparent that I do this. It doesn't matter who the man is, but its certainly worse if I am attracted to them in anyway (mentally/sexually/emotionally) and I become an absolute idiot if I am all three.

So.

This weekend highlighted this about me a lot and I finally put all the dots together myself.

I know this has been largely conditioned in me. Southern belle family members who love to please men. Mormon culture- ditto. Abusive family mmebers from childhood groomed me, and my ex husband. SOOOOOOO..yes I know this will happen. I know I've always had a submissive and subserivient drive. But the thing is, it's really starting to piss me off now, especially how I lose my voice. That's the worse. I simply STOP TALKING, stop objecting. I let me tell me what t odo and i'm already halfway through doing it before I realise I am doing it. ARGH! It's absolutely maddening.

I have no idea hwo to stop it. I have no idea If I can unroot something so deep. I have no idea how to speak up. :( :( HELP!
 
I started crying when I saw trump won. Not many people over here understand except if I loosely compare it to Bretix. Brexit, my friends husbands death, loss of job, my brother bailing on coming out, not getting into uni this year, and now trump. 2016 can fuck it's self. Seriously. Not mention David Bowie..rip.

:(:(:(
 
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