Living Truthfully Within

South West love fest sadly didn't happen, it always feels like I plan for a trip and life happens instead!
Arbor got called into training people at work to take over nights so he had to do extra training of his own before training someone else.

Then my renters sink exploded water everywhere and all my fun money went into new bathroo. sink/vanity, water damage repair, and wall/plumbing fixtures. Yeesh. Then the renter bought a weed eater and we spent all day yesterday taking turns getting the yard done. Found another small leak ona water pipe out back and had to fix that.

So I decided oh well, I will do some other relaxing diy after all this. Got some paint and started doing doors, trim, book shelves and making my home, well, homier.

On jurian news, I saw him unexpectedly yesterday while out and about and he stopped me to chat for a bit. It was sweet. He's so tall and it's so bright here I could barely see him, but he made sure to ask how I was, and how my day went. He doesn't normally go out of his way to do this sort of thing as we haven't officially said we are dating or are out locally and I appreciated his forwardness.

Today is doing more exercise with Jurian, he's retired military and loves the friendly competition. I like the dom-like accountability. And well, we are leaning more into friends even though we're still having 1 night a week over nights at least, and lots of sexytime when ever we can fit it in. He's more a quality time than let's have sex quickly person though, so it tends to be better to wait for the overnights.

I've definitely been losing weight with all this extra work and my new job. Life is good.

I'm really exstatically happy.

Arbor is taking accountability for his feelings, and I just keep reminding him my time with Jurian is a completely autonomous relationship and he's going to just have to speak up if he feels his needs aren't met, and also to accept I might say no if he's over reaching. Arbor also seems to have sorted out the female possible relationship himself. She tried to rope me into a threesome, I declined saying I am not interested in casual sex but happy to be friends if she wants.

I made a promise to both jurian and Arbor that I'd be focused on them for them to feel security. Also I don't need a dude to find a woman. And I don't want jurian or Arbor to be involved with any woman I may or may not be involved with in tbe future. Right now there is no plans for anyone else. I am saturated and happy. I'm also super busy with 3 jobs. Really don't need more romance in my life right now.
 
Welp...I am having a down day about Jurian.

Basically Jurian said something so shocking the other day that it shifted my entire perspective of him. I had hoped we could debate about it on his day off but instead he called off seeing me at all.

The context was racism and his views of race and gender.

I guess it's a good thing to know about him, but it was so wildly out of character with everything he has presented up to this point that I can't help but think he said something he knew I'd find intolerable to push me away since we've been getting closer emotionally and seeing each other regularly.

I knew this situation-ship had the potential to pan out with him backing off, but I never thought he'd do this.

The conversation was on the heels of the news about the bombing out east, and how horrible I felt for the people there and how terrifying that all must be.

He said he was OK with racial cleansing if it was with some sub groups of hate crimes.

And I just...stood there flabbergasted.

I tried to follow up on text and he shut me down saying I was being "dramatic".

So on top of his racist / racial cleansing comments, which made me feel physically ill...

He then proceeded to tell me his last poly gf left him for a woman and this was over a decade ago and his thoughts now on it: why didn't she share?

AND now calling me dramatic for standing up for my very strong opposite opinions on these topics inckuding women being fully autonomous humans with our own wants and desires and not objects for men....

I'm a bit like...I might need to nope right on out of this situation-ship.

Now, in hindsight, Jurian asking me 'not to date others to make him feel secure' comment is taking on a lot more controlling/jealousy bent.

I would like to at least have a conversation in person and address WHY he thinks like this.

But at this point I no longer feel safe doing so.

It's the one time I actually brought up a conversation with Arbor about Jurian: because I needed to know if this was gaslighting or was I really being dramatic???

And again prior to this I had 0 indication that Jurian felt at all like this to anyone. He works at a local store and is public facing. I have known him for 6 minths to a year casually at the store where we made small talk. And yes I know thats not an accurate indication of who he is but he was the type to go out of his way to help others...I have never seen him be unkind to women, or people of different races.

Arbor said Jurian was shutting me down because he didn't want to take responsibility for the comments he made, and that I was definitely being gaslit, that it wasn't ok what Jurian said... especially about racial stuff.

I know Arbor can't be a proper objective opinion but Arbor has never gaslit me by calling me dramatic. Sure he's lied and hid weed and taking pills from doctor before, but bot gas lit me by shifting blame to me ever.

Considering I was only asking a question about a memory with Jurian and Jurian just said "I don't recognize your memory." Then "you're being dramatic". It was a bit much for me.

All I did was text him asking was it true that he thought it was OK to racial cleanse whole groups of people? Wtf, why should I even be worried about asking such a question it's literally NEVER come up in any context with anyone I've known except my ex-husband who is a total sociopath...because most people agree that this ISN'T OK.

On top of that...Arbor confirmed he had also had a conversation where Jurian had felt entitled to his ex's girlfriends' female partners...

Everything about the last two interactions with Jurian have given me the serious ICK!

Maybe Jurians's not the victim of the story with that ex gf and she in fact dodged a serious bullet.

Now I don't know what to do. I think I will just stop initiating and Jurian can either apologize or live in his weird isolated bubble of thinking the world is his enemy.

I don't know what to say about this except I'm super disappointed. But this is what dating is for and I may have been hasty making plans for longer term stuff.

The only way he comes back from this in my mind is he admits he's wrong and he apologizes because there's some things you just don't say about anyone and his comments on race and sex are that exactly.

------

Ok, now I'm going to wildly pivot here and say how super proud and happy I am for Arbor. He stuck to his guns about the super aggressive girl and told her how he felt / didn't feel and what he wanted / needed there.

And he made local acquaintances possible friends with a couple he sees regularly at his work who pop in as customers. He's known them about 6 months casually.

They are a 5 yr experienced poly couple, introverted artists with day job's. I will call them Sun (husband) and Moon (wife). They even have their own bedrooms like me and Arbor!

They are about 10 years younger than me so I doubt I will be the closest friends and I'm fine with that. So far I've never met them or intiated anything even close to aquaintenciship and that's fine with me.

Arbor would like me more involved but I'm pushing back because:
1) I haven't had that time to build up any connection,
2) this isn't about me it's about him + his own friends + discovering poly for himself,
and 3) he needs to understand that poly is alot of "being left out" and operating autonomously: It isn't always as a "couple" or as a "we".

So, Arbor is going to go over and hang with them and try having sex with Moon and Sun in a low stakes threesome (Sun likes to watch and Arbor agreed to it). I also have permission of all involved to talk about this here...and I was invited to a discord group convo that I politely declined for now.

This is probably how I should have approached poly with him in the first place. Let him try out relationships and me be enthusiastically on the sidelines cheering for him.

And so that's what I'm going to do for now and take the extra free time as a blessing for me to go write, do art, do diy etc. :)

I am slightly envious that he's a lot better at making small talk > acquaintance > friends > long term friends than me. But, I'm sure if I stick around him long enough I'll figure out ways to do that. I did it in England but then lost it after living with my narc mom. So I'm still trying to figure out how to people again.

I'm just so burnt by crazy that I might just go lick my wounds for a bit before I try anything else. Sigh.

This doesn't dectract from his happy thoughts and I'm super glad for him ❤️ my compersion is real right now.
 
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Gone back to my introverted self of reading books. Did the 50 book challenge last year and ended up nearer 150 can't remember exact amount. Right now I'm reading Seveneves in a paperback form, and audio book of Red Rising when driving.

Jurian got back with a half apology of not remembering the conversation at all. I guess he was pretty drunk. So mulling over if I can be bothered to meet again to talk in person. It really killed my feelings about him, though...and makes me cautious being around him while drinking. He also very much showed he can't do emotions at all or even basic questions and concerns that would be in regards to taking responsibility for his behaviour. So if we do meet up it will be sussing out if I can even do friends.

He isn't interested in dating and only wants FWB and clarified he's fine with me dating others just to let him know so he can stop having sex with me. (LOL so not ok with me dating others but doesn't want to come out and say it.)

I don't know...I signed up to bumble and then realized to do anything useful I need to pay. I forgot what OLD was like. I turned off liking men, and only picked women. We'll see how it goes I'm in a fairly small rural town so...fingers crossed.
 
Just bit the bullet, and told Jurian I can't do FWB, and I'd like to be friends. He's been talking to me via text since the last post here and gave more context but still no apology. But to be fair I didn't outright request one. However, if you say no kind things usually a person apologizes.

Ultimately though his attachment pattern is avoidance and his confrontation style is aggressive, all underneath a nice guy layer of his public face which makes him not a good fit for me. I much prefer people who can talk plainly about how they feel and not get all defensive/angry/shout.

1 month in is a lot easier to handle feelings wise than years. I'm proud of myself for sticking up for myself.

....
In other news....
Arbor and I spoke again about marriage and my conflicting feelings. That's been an ongoing thing for awhile about a year and it was easy to blanket put it off because of his weed addiction.... I need more time to think about it all...but there's no rush, no fire. So, I'm still waiting for time to show me that he's truly on board with the weed changes for himself. Definitely there's been a big shift in him lately and he's pushing back against codependent tendencies.

Me? I'm exhausted from work and life. I've taken this entire weekend and just rested. I'm worried my m.e. has kicked back up because I lost my full time w2 job due to illness this last week. I've been doing my back up work instead but I'm so frustrated that I can't hold down "regular" 40 hr week work. And yet I know I've come a long way since this blog first started with my health. I just live in a country with no security blanket...so it's a worry in the back of my mind.

Arbor has been really sweet and taking care of me and he finally got full time and was able to quit the 2 part times he was doing. So while one door closed a window opened. Plus he's got a pay raise and is now a team lead.

If we had more years of stability together I'd totally be marrying him for insurance right now. I understand completely bluebirds point of view. When it cones to health its more important. Also she seems super happy. I'm living vicariously through you all still in some ways. Man I can't seem to do 1 relationship correctly nonetheless 2.

anyways, the marriage thing is super tempting atm. But then that begs the question is my uk decree absolute even valid here? I might have to authorize it with courts here and shudder...I do NOT want my ex husband in my life again in any form.

Ugh why is life so complicated?
 
I forgot to mention Arbors forray into the couple...well he found out that it was thr husband who wanted him and the girl was only on board to find a partner for the husband...like hot bi dude-ing Arbor! Oh man I felt so awful for him. He's had such a bad run with poly experiences early on.
 
I went on a much needed mini vacation to a lake with a beach and lots of greenery with Arbor this week. It was incredible. Arbor asked me to marry him again and I said yes. It was a super relaxing happy day and much needed for us both.

I wanted to come back and edit this because it was super short on my end.

However, I just wanted to say how good things with Arbor are recently. He's been super on board with poly, and even there if I need some moral support like the guy below date. And he's been faithfully going to his meetings, and i've been going to my al-anon ones. I did have a slight meltdown thsi week after the marriage proposal because of my trauma based on marriage...but we're still taking it slow. I am goign to just try to not have any issues until I can buy open market insurance because I dont want to rush my decision based on medical care. I can afford my diabetes stuff, and my hormone replacement stuff with no issue, as long as I dont have any major medical issues between now and november I should be ok to just ride it out until then and do the marriage how we want.

In the meantime, we've been really working so much better as a partnership and I think most of his lies were related to shame-fear-cycle and hes been so much more honest lately about anything related to medical stuff. I've also learnt some deeper past stuff that hes never told anyone he says, so thats good too. And we're just taking everything one step at a time. I really dont want to rush this but I feel for the most part really at peace with Arbor and our relationship right now, and I think he's really pulling hard on his side of the team. And that's all I can ask for really. :)
 
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So, I went on a date on Saturday with a new (self proclaimed poly) person. Didn't pan out, for various reasons.

I wasn't expecting to have any male dates anyway because I set my profile as women only dating but male and female friends on bumble and I guess he slid through the friend filter, or he changed his pronouns. Coupled with him being a trump supporter, and all the weird convo, I left dinner thanking him for his time, and telling him the next day by text I didn't see us working out. I didn't want to agitate someone who was so clearly love bombing, on TOP of that he was saying he could see himself falling in love with me so easily, and that for him it was love at first sight...:sick: I've now changed my friends filters to no men, and i'll just block ignore any other people trying to get through who aren't actually trans if thats how he did it. 🙄

Also the person was very into themselves and was more interested in Arbor than me even though i'd never talked about Arbor(other than him being my live in partner) and Arbor wasn't on my dating profile pictures. I was like...WTH! He'd only seen one picture of Arbor ever...it was weird. (And thats after his lovebombing thing and love at first sight thing, I was like...what?? In my head i'm going: Arbor is straight and wants parallel and made sure I mentioned this to the date... so it was just a really weird first date.)

I said in no uncertain terms I wasn't willing to discuss any potential relationship stuff with arbor without arbor there and that REALLY turned me off the dude. And it wasn't like a casual feeling out possibilities of threesomes etc, no he was saying how he envisioned being pegged by Arbor while I was there and I was like...thinking dude needs to get his OWN head out of his bum or out the clouds or whatever and be here in reality. I was giving no indication or signals that I wanted this.... Then he went on how he was conservative religious but now questioning his entire belief system....

I would have left sooner but I was his ride, so I couldnt end it early the way I wanted. Well maybe I could have, but he was disabled so I thought it was going to be like a friendly mutuality thing because we both understand health issues... and what I got instead was a twilight zone experience.

Oh and the same night this happened, Jurian called up and agitated Arbor by falsly accusing arbor of lying to me, from the context of a text I shared privately with Jurian and Arbor saw it because of Jurian. (there was actually camera and other people evidence like Arbors boss there) that shows Jurian was lying. I dont know why he did this over something so small and WASNT even an insult about Arbor? I was basically teasing Jurian a month ago when we were still new that I'd like him to be my Dom, and Arbor is my boy (as in sexually exploring my dominant side) once that was cleared up Arbor was fine with it, but like Jurian waited till I told him I didn't want FWB to say this to Arbor so I can only think he's salty at me and tried to sabotage me and Arbor. I mean dude you're not telling Arbor anything he doesnt know..and well his boss is a swinger Dom so she wasnt really impressed with Jurian either way for how he handled himself, at hte work place no less- and that whole plan of his backfired.

I didnt expect a 46 yr old to be so immature. Ugh and the other date above? he was 53. So i'm like...why do I attract people who are not emotionally/vocally able to express feelings?

I shouldn't blame myself, the only way to know someone is to try and I am weeding them out pretty quickly. 1 month and 1 week + 1 date.

And i'm at least *trying* now.

Arbor makes me feel so safe and so loved.

When Arbor met me I was a total recluse, After the poly people before covid friends group and how many people moved away, I just lost interest in trying again. So there's at least so much more to my life now. I have aquaintances, I joined a LGBTQ writing meet up group online, and I started a gym membership and made a new possible female friend. Ive been reading and writing again, I'm working, I'm travelling. So I am trying really hard here. These are just blips in an otherwise happy and peaceful life with Arbor.

But on a plus side at least we have the support of kind awesome people such as Arbors coworkers and boss.

Yup, Poly is GOING SO WELL FOR US BOTH OVER HERE! (at least the rest of life is even if I'm struggling hard with finding the right people to poly with?) lol. I think Arbor and I arent going to close up but just, give it a break with actively looking we're both so exhausted by humaning with people who either want to cowboy-cowgirl us away, or end up being not great people generally. Neither one of us wants the drama. We are just puttering away at work and house most the time and spending quality time together.
 
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Two women reached out to me on bumble and i'm feeling it out. I have no idea how to cultivate more with a woman, its been so long however I do remember it going a bit slower than men. I'm excited and nervous and hoping to meet both of them in the near future.
 
I have a date on sunday with a woman... :) I'm super excited. It's just going hiking and then somewhere cool. But i'm excited.
 
Welp the date flaked. I saw it coming as she didn't respond day of event so I planned work instead since my work is flexible and then didn't worry about it too much. I didn't make plans again because when she called to talk to me about why she cancelled there was a lot of incompatible issues (no income, no home, no car) they are currently living with their partner and meta that is going through a divorce and it was really unstable in my mind. I'm not here to keep rescuing people into my home...did that with the teens and a few renters not doing that with a potential interest. Plus...it makes me think they don't like me for me but what I can offer. So that fizzled out before it even started. Now I'm on bumble BFF trying to find female friends and a few friend dates lined up. If I can make some queer friends maybe that will help ease the burden on my hopeful sad queer part of myself that needs female connection right now.

I really don't want to drop that desperate energy on any potential dates so...female friends is much more practical and I can at least this time be aware of my pattern of falling for friends and generally choose female friends who I see 1x per week or couple times per month and be super picky about a Bestie, so I don't fall into that loop again. I successfully had friends in England who were female without this issue so I am sure I can again. I'm not attracted to every female I like and respect or even love as friendship. I think I just got unlucky here the last female best friend I had.
 
Theres a lot going on over here.

I found out more of Arbors lies...I think now that no matter how much he loves me or I him, that the lies are a deal breaker.

It doesn't make him a safe partner for me, and certainly not a healthy person to do Polyamory with. This is breaking my heart, but I also saw that writing on the wall a long time ago.

At this point i'm doing the difficult thing of backing up the relationship, and have told him I'm no longer interested in marriage. I really wanted to make this work but I don't see this working. I've been keeping a VERY detailed journal page (its like 2 sheets long on a digital word pad) In order to combat my black and white attachment. I have this problem where I feel something strongly in the moment that isnt always true to the situation, either I underplay it, from mormon past training and codependcy etc, OR I overplay it and I think he's evil when i'm actually having just a bad emotional day. I dont have access to EMDR / insurance/ psychologist etc, so I need to figure this out going forward on my own, and writing the journal entry makes sense. I dont want to go into it in detail here, but basically theres more pros to him migrating to friendship than us being partners now.

Fuck. I'm so sad. I dont want to do this and I hate having to consistently follow through on repercussions when it wasnt me who fucked it all up. I did everything I could, and it wasn't enough, again. I tried every tactic, from doing less, to bringing it up fairly, to keeping lists and doing rewards, nothing works, he is determined to lie to me about the most basic shit, and thats a him problem not a me one.
 
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