Living Truthfully Within

I've had so much work to do the last week and some.

I've been doing two jobs right now. I just finished a clients painting today and dropping it by.And my normal 8 hours monday through friday as well.

I'm getting kind of nervous because In a few weeks we get told if we are moving to permanent employees.
I REALLY HOPE I DO!

In the meantime, time to go drop off this xmas painting. I'm so glad I got this out of the way.

Also some sad news, I badly misunderstood my therapist, so we won't even be able to be friends afterwards :( So sad abotu this. Oh well. I think she was avoiding talking about it directly before because she is trying to drag out my end of closure sessions.
 
Merry xmas everyone!
My fafsa letter came through email for approval for applying for new funding! I'm SO EXCITED! I might be starting school as soon as January the 9th!!!
Arbor and I had a fabulous xmas if quiet.
I spoke to my children online/phone, and we also stopped by the neighbors/renters/friends who we each did gifts for.
Jared got me a promise ring, as promised. Pictures soon. :)
I am sad I work tomorrow but happy my full time work will be over soon.
I will be transitioning out of full time work for full time education and part time work again, as of the 9th.
Wish me luck!
Thank good ness Arbor has a good full time job now.
Everything is lining up nicely. :)
 
I temporarily lost access to my account last year with the big change over to new forums + me forgetting my password and needing resetting + my facebook original email I used here being hacked!
So much has happened but I'll just put it down in bulletin points:

Me and Arbor are still together and going strong. He works full time locally nights at a gas station near by and just recently got a pay raise / promotion.
My kiddos are good but both busy with school and life.

Back in January I had started a new education course for art- but the school it was goign through actually went under! And so, that got dropped, and I was pretty devastated as that was my only option for that particular course.

At the same time I got diagnosed with BRCA1 gene, and so I quit the job I was working (I was in and out of ER at the time, and it took 8 months for the doctors to level out my hormons so I stopped continously bleeding vaginally.) The er visits were because of this, I was clotting every 30 mins and getting anemic.

So Arbor took care of me.

In July we got a new renter in to cover the cost of my income decreasing- she's a lovely lady who's been through similar stuff re hormones, weight loss, breast surgery etc. I will call her Pumpkin. She has a real obsession with halloween and decorates and dresses in orange and pumpkins a LOT. :)
She is very sweet.

My other tribe members and renters are still here and going strong, they passed hte 1.5 years together, and 1 year living here. All payment issues are now sorted as they are both working full time, and I worked on my boundaries.
Arbor also regularly pays me rent now too, so I am doing ok financially and have new work lined up for November.

With the diagnosis back in January, I closed our relationship, because I knew i'd be working on health stuff for a good long while- I just had the preventative double masectomy in August. So it's been about 8 weeks exactly now. I'm almost completely healed except rebuilding strength. Except that when they wheeled me into surgery my blood sugar was about 308 or something, and so they told my pre-diabetes had turned into full blown diabetes and I proceeded to find out in the worst way possible.

I decided to go aesthetically flat instead of get fake breasts or use potentially not great cells in my stomach fat and longer healing by chopping and using that. I went through a little spell of depression over the summer about the surgery, and my new shape, and honestly, how long it took me to heal. I was done with relying on visual art as an income. So I packed up my art business, told all my clients, and started looking at some more practical ways to earn and move forward. Arbor has been hugely supportive during this entire time and really there for me. I have been extremely lucky to have him in my life, bumps and all, we are now finally sailing smooth.

One of those was returning to education for something else, only I haven't figured out what. For now I'm doing min wage call center job, and I think I will simply turn the assets I have (renters and this house) into more assets. So I'm feeling out accounting, management, business stuff in order to get into expanding on what I already do. I've learnt a lot about how to manage people and situations while being a landlady and healthy boundaries since my confrontation last year with my narc-mom who I am no longer in contact with.

My life is actually pretty peaceful and I am lucky to have the friends and tribe I do. They rely on me and I'm going to do the best I can to keep this ship afloat. So I'm hoping to refinance either in 2024 or 2025 and buy a plot of land near by, put electric, septic tank, cement pads, 1-2 mini homes and the rest rented out as spaces for snow birds/caravans, mobile homes. Basically. I've already got the chops to do this from my record here. I know how to vet people, I know how to delegate, I know how to believe in myself now and stand up for myself kindly but firmly. People don't walk over my boundaries anymore and most importantly I know when to stop so I don't do the go go go bust cycle of burn out anymore.

Outside of dealing with health stuff, life is good. I am learning how to handle the diabetes, I eat keto, but also I got covid a bit ago and it fucked up my sense of smell and taste and let me tell you, its much easier to stick to a bland and calorie controlled/macro controlled life style when you cant smell or taste ANYTHING.

The closest I get to it is capsasian, the heat feeling of it rather than the taste as such, and salt. I can taste salt. I REALLY hope it comes back, but in the mean time I went from meeting Arbor in 2022 at 255, to now being 219. I'm also working with a gi doctor about doing the gastric sleeve. I figure I already have 1 more brca1 surgery coming up might as well get the most use out of my state healthcare before I lose it next year and get the stomach sleeve too. Then I won't be bouncing back up and down. So far keto is pretty similar to how I did paleo in the past, only slightly different meats and fats and I can tolerate milk if i don't eat wheat.

So cooking is a wash now, I have no idea if anything tastes good, or is balanced with flavors, etc, I mean its ok with Arbor because his smell taste is not great anyway from cigarettes, but it sucks for me because I miss cooking and food :(

But I'm mostly past this covid crazy, and they pushed my surgery back from the 5th of October to 28th of November because contagion / symptoms.

Sooo, mostly this is a positive thing, its just that I've been in myself, but at the same time trying to get better as socializing and being around people and accepting things as they happen, rolling with life's punches and getting back up and fighting!
 
Thinking back to my toxic relationships:

Pre-contemplation (Not ready to leave): Values the relationship toxicity more than leaving it. Over valuing the relationship instead of looking at the relationship as a whole. “I'm not worth of finding someone else” etc, or self belief of finding anything else. You undervalue the consequences and over value the small things that are there (bread crumbs). Emotional Leech. I just want to be heard, I’m not ready to stop the drug, and I want someone to listen. I feel like that myself right now, or for the last year. I’m constantly having that denial desperate addicted state about Jared trying to convince myself it’s still GOOD for me. When it’s not. It’s just not. When you look at the cost of leaving and over empathize the cost of leaving over the cost of staying. Leaving will be easier than staying with him- the cost of staying increases for me and I’ve been ignoring it. Defend the bad relationship vehemently.

Contemplation (becomes more 50/50 of the ready to leave/not ready to leave): I think I moved into this one. Instead of being so defensive and more open to see emotional expansion. Seeing the good and bad more equally. More able to conceptualize it, even if not ready to take action yet. Acknowledge me that the bad relationship. I’m willing to listen and the relationship isn't everything anymore. Pain is still driving you, and you’re starting to reach your boiling point- pain of staying is worse than the pain of leaving.

Preparation stage (I’m making my exit plan but not yet ready to leave): Ok, I’m ready to leave. I still won’t be ready to act, but I’m about a month or two away from leaving the relationship. Man the person just screwed me over one last time. I’m planning my exit and how I’m going to do this. Now the benefits are greater than the toxicity. Initiating the changes, self motivated. It’s a mixture of mourning and be painful to leave. It’s also an emotional preparation. There’s no going back at this point. This is time they detox from the person, disengage and get help in counseling. But its too late, at this point. You don’t realize it, but the decisions have already been made. Starting to see how unhealthy that relationship. Sometimes involves a LOT of anger. How much they lost, how much they regret, and angry and frustrated. Almost goes back to Pre-contemplation but about, voicing how bad it was, and all the stuff they denied. That becomes a motivator to leave.

Action stage: Identity starts to change, pros outweigh the cons of leaving, you’ve broken up and you’re on your own. And about the gratitude of their individual identity again. But also being grateful for the new version of me. And also can still have the anger after leaving, and still grieving, (This happened with me and Rcky for awhile - years and sometimes even now. Still). They still haven't fully identified with the healthier version of me with out the drug of Rocky.

Maintenance: Being an individual far out weighs being with the relationship, or the community you had them, its now focused on who you want to be how you want to be healthy. Really mourning the past, grief and anger cycle and you regret- a year past or so. Relapse prevention- this is all based on the cycle of drugs but treating the relationship as a drug, which I did a LOT with Rocky, and again with Ariel.

Both people were great people, but it was toxic FOR ME because they wanted something different than I wanted, and I denied their reality, and my needs, and my wants, to continue being with them, so desperate to have any love. Denying what they were telling me to my face and hoping I would be "good enough" was pretty toxic on my end too.

I don't want to do that anymore. I am in the pre-contemplation with my current relationship because I found out they lied recently about some pretty serious stuff (Not cheating but about mental health stuff, and what happened at work that impacted me in my own social life later because of his work drama.) So, I think I need MORE time single to get more healthy. Because I was doing a lot of incremental change, and then Arbor swept in and helped me, but I can't be loyal to him long term- and this is better than what I was with, with Rocky, but does not meet my values for honesty, and doing the mental health work.

I re-signed up to therapy to continue the work.

1 year anniversary of my grandma at beginning of October. Every time I think of my grandma I think about her wish for me to be independent. She didn't just mean financially, she meant my deep hurt to be loved that tied me to people who didn't want me, or who would use me as a way to dump their toxicity on me.

I feel like I weaned myself off crack (Rocky) and moved on to heroine, instead of just getting clean first. I spent time single, but I havent been single long enough right now. I'm not ready for any relationship. I want to be on my own.
 
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