Living Truthfully Within

Part one of two: "The second half of 2018"

So, none of you are going to be surprised about this, but after my last update, rocky vanished for almost 2 weeks, and then wrote me a letter to end things with me.

Because I can't see my girls without having someone with me in the UK (part of the court arrangement), I then went into a huge negative cycle. I mean I Was already coming down sick from over doing it with the new job ( it was around 10,000 steps in 6 hours in the AZ heat every day I Was working.) I ended up sleeping most of the month of October and into November. I haven't spoken to rocky since November.

Also his sister got worse health wise, so he just couldn't handle helping me too. His resentment towards his sister and women who cannot help themselves, and also his cowardice and sort of condescension towards me, was very heart breaking, but it wasn't as if I hadn't steeled myself for the outcome.

Here is his letter:

I felt writing an email was the best way for me to express what I'm thinking at the moment. I don't think I can handle a call right now. (Just to update you on my sis she has been in hospital the last couple of days as she wasn't well and has started losing her hair due to chemo).

Since we last talked I've been having bad headaches, feeling confused, sad and a whole bunch of emotions every time I thought of you. I needed time to reflect.

When we last talked you mentioned something. You said you can't stay well and are not sure what's wrong with you and that this has been going on for a while. I was so sad when I heard this. I truly wish you didn't have to keep going through this pain and suffering.

In my mind i believed in the last few years you'd worked on yourself and got to a situation where at least you looked like you could move forward in life and have a relationship. (Adding my own feelings on what he has said: Does this mean in his mind, sick people aren't entitled to relationships? Aren't "good enough", or well enough to be a contributor???)

It came of out of the blue as I didn't realise it was still that bad as what I remember in Bexley. I felt confused and angry as to why you didn't mention this sooner?
Uh I did mention this, multiple times, since the beginning of relationship. What part of "Chronic long term illness" don't you understand? WHy didn't YOU tell me you didn't understand that even if I appear well I am NOT well underneath the surface? You went to my doctors. You read the diagnosis, We looked up information on it together, it specifically says: There is no medical cure for M.E./CFS. And like you I wasn't sure if I DID have it or not despite a specialist telling me, because we had the osteopath tell me I didn't have it. So I'm sorry I'm not fully versed in what my crazy uncertain body will do, hello that's why I was asking for help?

It gave me a flashback to what it was like before. I do love and care for you Nicole but I know deep down I wouldn't be satisfied with a relationship that was based on dependency from the beginning.
Then why the fuck did you choose a single mother on benefits, with long term chronic illness as a partner, wtf? I won't be shamed by your ignorance.

It's not what i envisaged and it's not what I want from a relationship.

And me being constantly shamed for something I literally have no control over was not what I envisaged for the last four years from you either. So feelings mutual bud.

I have two people in my life I'm already going to be responsible for later. My mum and my sister who hasn't worked in the last ten years of her life due to illness. I want to make my life simpler.

I really do feel you need to work on health first.
I'm going to repeat it very slowly. Long. Term. Non-curable, Chronic Illness. I cannot do more than what I have already am doing without support from a huge team of medical people. Which is american, requires a shit tonne of money. This says a lot more about your lack of empathy. We've known each other 4 years and you don't want to help, you want me to come as you wish I were rather than who I am. Take OFF the rose coloured glasses thank you.

It's more important than anything else. I genuinely do want to see you happy and healthy as a lot of your problems in life stem from this.
Actually I'd say a lot of my problems in life stem from people like you who condemn, shame and exclude people who are different abled. Who say "Just think it all better". Who didn't help me FACE my illness and accept it but tried to push me to cure something I could not cure. And honestly a lot of my problems in life have been choosing men who want to either control me or in your extreme flake on me. I went from one side of the pendulum to the other. I think I would have been happier being alone in the last 4 years than being with you.

You can't have any consistency or really promise anything with genuine conviction to a partner as every few months is a rollercoaster. You said you don't want to be a burden and I believe you do, but you keep distracting yourself with lots of other things. In my mind I wish you'd focused on your health and even if you asked for help from me I'd have given it before asking for a relationship and not telling me the true extent to what you're going through still. I feel blind sided by it.
I distracted myself in order to cope. Because I understand more than you could ever know what it's like not to be able to be consistent because of illness- you're worried about it? Fuck you, try living with it, try LOSING YOUR KIDS OVER it. I mean you cannot look me in the eyes and say you went to court with me and you DIDN'T know that I was unable to be consistent? Wtf? A court order ruled me too unwell to watch my own children and you saw them torn from my breast while you stood passively to the side and I'm to believe YOU are blindsided? Yeah. Ok then.

I've been reflecting recently on what I genuinely want to from life. I really don't give a fuck what you reflected. Because a relationship where one partner or bf/gf ignored the other for 2 weeks to make unilateral decisions on the others behalf, is someone who is cold, unempathetic, and selfish. It's someone who doesn't respect or value the other persons opinion to even hear it. And it's not someone I want to be with. What I wish I had realised sooner was that you were this way by your actions. But at least I do now.

You have an expectation of wanting to be loved like I do. But I feel you're doing this the wrong way. To me a relationship takes a lot of effort and time on both partners. You're trying to do this before even working on yourself and getting to a point where you can have some consistency. And i feel like you're subconsciously expecting me to come up with all the answers or at least shoulder that burden. The problem is [Star] i do enjoy giving and helping but from a relationship perspective I want to feel like i can trust you to handle somethings. I don't want to work forever. I want to travel and maybe one day have a child and have time to spend with them and do things. I want to feel like I'm moving forward with a partner in some ways. No you don't. If you did you'd see things as they are, not as you wish me to be. You wouldn't have tried to toy with me again in the first place because you would realise I am not able to to do things others are, at the "level" you wish me to be. I don't think you ever truly understood that, and that's not my problem because I couldn't have said it or showed it any clearer. I don't think I am wrong to want a partner who can support me in my illness as I simply cannot change an incurable disease.

I've never had an expectation for you to earn loads of money. All i ever wanted is to feel that you can reliable, consistent but also do what I see in most successful relationships which is be able to share the load. Right now I don't feel that's the case.Maybe because I'm medically disabled? And also, I DID share what I could, I paid for what I could, contributed my time, my energy, my love, my availability, and my talents to you. I gave my 100% but what you want is someone not disabled. Just say it how it is. All this beating around the fucking bush.

My worry with you [Star] is I'll take on board this burden and at this moment in time you can't really promise me anything. I'll do it because i care and love for you but i won't be satisfied. I feel like I'll have to work all the time, not really be able to count on you as your health won't permit it and I'll become resentful over time. And I won't be subjected to being "less than" to meet your unreasonable expectations. So I think parting is the best for us both.

I genuinely do worry for you and am hugely sad about the circumstances you're in but I have to be honest about what I want from life too as it wouldn't be fair on you or me and let you know what i can handle.
Yeah yeah, words words, fuck off.

I'm sorry it's taken me over a week to get back to you properly. You mean 2 weeks of no contact? Jeez.This doesn't mean i don't appreciate all the love and kindness you have shown because I know you have been supportive with my sister and me. It's not all one sided and i know you've got a lot of goodness inside of you. Whoa, did he just correlate my DISABILITY with my ability to be a good or bad person? LOL wow. Says a lot about him.I just can't see this right now being a viable relationship as I genuinely am too stressed right now.
Feelings mutual.

End of letter.
Part two of two: "The second half of 2018"

And so I did not go to England.

I had to tell Shooting Star that Rocky had let her down since they were in phone conversation together, but he suddenly vanished from her life as well.

It further deteriorated a precarious relationship with her in the first place because of my "lack of consistency". And I will never forgive him for that. Although I'm half to blame for not coming out in the first place. All those grandiose gestures were just to keep his back pocket girl around.

I swear to god if I ever hear someone say that to me again (that I lack consistency) because an illness I have, that by its nature is inconsistent ,I'm going to punch them in the face.

Well this had the added bonus of moving me out of denial about my health and into acceptance. So There's some silver lining I guess.

So there's a lot more to update on this.

November was mostly a sleepy haze. My brother came out for thanksgiving, I barely functioned.

I managed to go out once. I wasn't even awake for thanksgiving day. I missed cooking, socialising, and food. I barely had an appetite, and I felt not only heartsick, but so crushingly bone weary that I didn't have much time or energy to process things about Rocky, and frankly I didn't care.

My only motive in October and November was survival.

I quit my work, my family picked up the car payment and phone payment. I stopped pushing myself to be "normal" and accepted I am and will always be part time in my own life, unless they create or find a cure. Any other avenues will have to wait for better funding.

My dad's tests came back clean on his cancer screening, thankfully.

I saw Ariel once after my birthday(Sept) until now.

I updated everyone via FB and other avenues about my health, and I had many people reach out to me regularly, I wasn't even able to look at computer screens, or sit up. So I was mostly radio silence.

I was almost completely bedridden in my effort to be "normal" to visit the kids and be with Rocky. I think that says a lot about how we are not matched for each other. If it causes me to get that ill, it's certainly not worth it. I cannot risk my situation deteriorating because up until that point at least I had been functioning. But I overdid it with the 20,000 step a day job, and the working out, and the false expectation of myself that I COULD function at that level.

It's humbling, but it is what it is.

In october and most of november I monitored my heart rate, and most the time, even while laying flat and resting it was at my anaerobic threshold.

Meaning doing absolutely nothing my body was acting like I was on a marathon.

My family worried about me, especially Rosebud, who was one of the few people besides my Gran that I even spoke to. Most of this time was spent with my curtains drawn, lying in a dark quiet room, drifting in and out of sleep. I could not tolerate light, sound, people, talking, or moving.

In december I started being able to sit up again, I spoke to Shooting Star for the first time on x-mas day since the whole disappointment of me not coming out.

She's very angry at me understandably. But then like Rocky, she views disability as a weakness, and does not respect me because I am "less than". I think the way these people view me, especially Rocky, (I think I can try to teach Shooting Star otherwise) is incredibly cruel mentally and did a lot of emotional/mental damage too.

Even if Rocky had been there for me, I still wouldn't have been able to go to the UK because I wouldn't have tolerated the physicality of the whole thing.

Now that it is January, I've managed to bounce back, this is not surprising. I have been monitoring how I roll for many years now. And I am tough as shit, and DO bounce back from crap.

And I can see it in this journal too.

I go from "Omg I'm not-so-sick, so I must be normal/well, let's DO ALL THE THINGS, to then cycling to being sicker. I have to stop yo-yoing and go slower on my well days,.

I need to pace myself and remember I only look well; inside my body is telling me a different story. Inside, in a place I can't see or do anything about, somewhere, my body it isn't doing what it should do.

That's all I can do really.

So, there's even more news. I have finally "gotten over" Rocky.

I still have residual feels, but I feel the door slammed now in a way it never had been before. I truly feel awful about his sister situation, but as far as he himself.... I do not want anything further to do with him.

I won't be viewed as a parasite when I'm already struggling with self worth while being disabled.:mad::mad::mad:

I have been cautiously dating in the virtual world without any expectations of it going anywhere, since the rocky thing was so fresh.... Once I noticed my body was improving. I briefly had an online interest in the UK with a lady. But then I found out she was married and so unethical cheating isn't my thing and cut that off, because I can't be friends with someone who lied to me from the get-go to try to woo me. I explained this to her, and we parted ways. Yeah I already did my time in a closet, not jumping in another one for a woman who "cant come out" and is married. :O

Then shortly after that while playing a game, I met a really interesting guy, and he and I are meeting up in person next week. Ariel is going with me for initial meet and greet I hope. I still need to talk to her about the change in my status and move us back to friends space since we aren't physical anyway, it's more of an emotional relationship, which for me can be easier described as family instead of trying to be more. Which will work for both of us :)

I have lots of good NRE feels with this new dude. I think I will call him Hunter. We talk all day everyday. He's a programmer, and he also tinkers with robots and has made robots to help people who are disabled. :eek:

I was VERY clear right up front of what I can and cannot offer, about my recent ex and on again off again, about the fact that I was uncertain if I was emotionally available or physically able to be in any relationship right now. But despite all that he's been consistently there, and we have been skyping etc. He has a very high emotional intelligence, which I really like, he's near my age, and he's a single dad of a little girl. So we're taking it slow, and he think i'm pretty amazing. He says all I have been through just shows me how amazingly strong I am.

I guess it's all a matter of perspective and so far the difference in between this new guy, and Rocky is as large as the ocean that divides them on this subject at least.

I've decided due to my illness, I cannot practically be polyamorous in any meaningful way because I need to make my priority my kids and ONE relationship. This saddens me as I have studied, put in the work and tried so hard to make poly work for me.

However, I am also a realistic person, and if the stress of one relationship makes me ill, then I do not wish to make my health to get worse by continuing poly, even though I support it as an ideology.

I will continue blogging here despite my new monogamous status. :) And letting you all know what's going on, and this why I haven't been more involved here in this forum, it takes a lot of effort mentally for me to write these entries out to be, and to be in front a screen, and I can only reply in bursts, then fade into background while my spoons are used on other things.

Oh Hunter and I also agreed to be boyfriend girlfriend. So that's a thing. :)
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Life is ticking along.

My health has stabalised and i've stopped sleeping all day everyday, only when I go out now do I need to rest and have a nap. But I'm very slowly able to walk my dog around the block, and also do regular things again like dishes, sweeping, dusting, keeping my room clean.

And omg regular showers. These small quality of life things have greatly improved my mood. It was kinda spiraling even with the radical acceptance.

Hunter and I are doing well, the meetup has yet to happen, only because the weather made it too risky to travel. He's in the North East, and is waiting for it clear up and also for the government shutdown stuff to sort itsself out for his contract to west coast and drive to me. He's asking if he can stay a week, I'm ok with this. He has other friends here and in west coast if we dont work out in person for wahtever reason (chemistry isnt there?)

We have progressed quite a bit in conversation, and since he mostly works from home, has availabilty to be able to talk to me regularly.

I doubt the chemistry won't be there, we seem to have that in ample supply online. ;) He is around my age, successful, single dad, with a great huge heart, and he's really cute too! He owns his own home, and has a surprising emotional IQ not just intelligence. I really like him, not in a crazy-obsessive way I did Rocky, but in a calm reassuring, and easy banter way.

Even when my triggers happened we have worked through them so far...this bodes well!

I will do another update after I meet him.

Other things in life are going well, and I'm really happy I'm moving forward. :)
I haven't written in a long time.

I'd love to say this last year columnated in me meeting Hunter but it did not. I'd love to say that I have healed, and that I am married or in a long term committed relationship, or that I miraculously healed from CFS/ME, or that I feel optimistic about my future including a relationship but none of that is true.

A few weeks later, after I wrote my last post Hunter did a 180, and started being a gaslighting jerk. I dumped hiss ass and spent a few months single.

Then I slowly ventured out again, I met someone else online in August of this year. I thought it was going to be a strictly BDSM things but he wanted more, and I didn't want 24/7 BDSM because something that stays in bedroom is not welcome in the rest of my life. This caused a lot of friction and I broke up with him.

I think of penises and interacting with them sexually and I am completely turned off. This was also causing a problem because I liked the BDSM aspect, but I realised he was just an asshole and not an actual BDSM practitioner because it wasn't about consent for him.

The type of men who seem to want me, want to control me or I'm not "good enough". Or if they are kinder and gentler men I am not interested sexually or emotionally.

So, clearly my interest in men isn't based on sexual attraction its based on unhealthy relating patterns to the abusers in my past.

Which leads me to this conclusion. Given that my sexual energy towards men generally has lessened and lessened over the last few years and the fact that only men who "want me" are abusers, or *I'm not into them* Then I am either

or Lesbian.

Bisexual and / or pansexual no longer feels correct. I have an actual...dislike towards me men who want me sexually or romantically and not because of the last two men, although they didn't help matters. This was happening before that. I find myself watching exclusively female porn, not interested in even the idea of a man penetrating me in any shape or form, and I don't like interacting with men in a sexual fashion anymore.

Has anyone else found their sexuality change over time in a gradual sort of process like this?
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Finally, some good news!

So, I got accepted into state insurance. And I have a regular doctor now. I'm going through all the appointments necessary and my female doctor is going through all the tests from the ground up to try to rule out CFS/ME as the only option.

Also my kids finally starte talking to me again, more specifically my oldest. After a year of no contact. We had some surprising developments in both our lives that were quie similar that created a bonding situation and I am vey very happy. I am now going to seek out legal help once my health is a bit under control.

The guy back in august who wanted bdsm 24/7 came back to me a few weeks after wards and agreed to only in the bedroom and with rules, safewords etc in place. Since its only virtual at this point in time I said ok, and hes been surprising supportive in all other areas. Right now I consider him a "master" plus friend. It's an interesting relationship. He's helped me navigate he health stuff and been there regardless of it, so even if we go no where in real life validation and support towards a healthier me is quite nice and also the whole thing is rather slow and unwinding. I have no bdsm sink hole NRE feels, just an enjoyment of an older, logical, relatively patient man, who I don't actually have to have sex with. Works for me. His BDSM style is more towards roleplay, "master" stuff, so tasks etc, and pain/pleasure stuff. Maybe we'll try towars sex if my libido towards men comes back. He's happy i'm happy, an that's all that matters.

Meeting up with a local friend this week, who helped me with my birthday a year and some ago. I haven't seen him in awhile as we had a falling out for a few months, theni was too sick and dint see anyone, and then during that whole time he kept texting me and checking up to see if I was ok.

So we're going to have some oriental tea together and watch just jpop shows. He and I always had really good talks and would ocassionally get high together. I always liked staying over at his and sleeping.

Lets see what else..i start work 2 days a week next week. And i'm getting new glasses with this insurance soon.

So theres some progress happening, small steps, but all in the right direction.

Still no communication with Ariel :( But I cant live up to her standards and I don't want to be judged on my ill health anymore...she was so supportive for so long but it was a mix of pushing her away on my end and her chosing men over me, loving her (romantically) and being her friend isn't compatible.
New Year 2020

Well I have some significant updates...

With the continued support of doctor i'm getting the M.E./CFS managed at least. So that is good.

I am still working 2 days a week and still talking to both my kids regularly. Almost daily now!

Also the BDSM online guy and I moved to just friends...theres a story there but not going into it just right now. It mostly revolved around Finley, that's what i'm going to call the guy I mentioned in last post who is an old friend of mine.

He set up me up wit ha gilr he was dating as he is poly, an she is bi, we did a soft threesome, in that I had sex with her, and she had sex with him. I realised then that my libido has never "gone away" it just shifted farther on the spectrum towards women! It was such an eye opening experience and I was so excited I had my libido back that after all that fun with her, I went home and masterbated 3 times!!

So, I decided tentatively that I am more in line with gay/lesbian. I don't know what this means for polyamory for me, as I previously was poly to be in a relationship with both men and women. Or if i'll ever like men again ? But it's the way this ship has sailed, and i'm rolling with the new reality.

I feel such a sense of light heartedness, and happiness, and all the men were really supportive, bot hteh bdsm guy, and my social networks, and Finley too.

The girl also agreed to go o na date with me, so thers that and I signed up to a lesbian event here in town on the 6th. I haven't felt so good in so long. I really hope 2020 is seeing some happiness this way.
Very good to hear! Getting clear on their emotional/ sexual needs has lifted a friend’s whole outlook on life, she became so comfortable with herself and her life after that.

Thanks so much for the encouragement!

So, the doctors seems to be my full time job between the half haze of reality that is this horrible illness.

My grandam was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer tumor. So I am rotating between her appointments, my appointments and sleep. Anything beyond this is beyond my functioning level.

I put dating on hold again and am happy with this. The girl date was actually cancelled because of age/stage of life differences. We did talk on phone for awhile, but shes in uni, with multiple potential partners, and looking for work. She doesn't have a car and lives an hr away. It's not a sustainable dating situation for me when I have my grandma and myself as priority.

My friend Finley keeps in touch but I was right the friendship has petered out somewhat in light of the fact I was blunt about my lack of desire towards sex or threesomes.

Life feels very different from my time in the UK, and I feel like a different woman, older, wiser, slower paced, and terribly boring I am sure. I am much more cautious, and careful, I lurk on some blogs here ocassionally but even writing this has taken a few weeks of saving and even now I know I have errors. My capacity to think, and function is greatly reduced and i'm coming toa place of acceptance abou this. My grandma despite her illness is running circles around me many days. I do what little I can, and then when "fatigue" (What a misnomer!) takes over, my body shuts down in sleep again, unrestful, and still in pain, managing is all I can do.

I am also seeing a geneticist to check for Barc1 gene that runs in my family, and many more gene testing things because of this situation with my grandma.

My kids have been blocked from communication with me, found a work around with oldest daughter, but we barely talk because of how controlling he is towards her. It is terribly sad an I try not to think about it because emotional pain causes physical manifestation and does my daughters no good or myself long term.

Small good things, my cats are adorable. We have 5 here now, we kept 4 of the babies from Pippy's litter. They are funny and adorable. My large chou german sheperd dog is also wonderful, he keeps the space safe. I do not have the worry of anyone coming in my home or trying to get on our property with him. He's a big sweety with all of us, but would and has bit intruders. I am ok with this.

The lovely part of living here is i'm almost halfway to place paid off, and I have endless sunshine, and mostly warm weather. I sit outside on good days right now before it gets too hot, and on days i'm not too light sensitive. I enjoy my solitude because with it is mostly peace. I don't think at this juncture I will return to poly any time soon. And I'm happy with being single as the only thing I could offer a woman is being my carer and I Don't want to do that to anyone.

So maybe one day, i'll spontaneously go into remission or life will change again but right now, I listen to books on tape, sleep, eat simple food, and enjoy what time is left with my gran.
2020 halfway point update

I've decided to do bi-annual updates now, since I have such low energy levels.

I wanted to talk about what I've been up to since Covid hit the world.

Last I mentioned was my grandma's cancer. That was pretty time consuming for about the space of a month and a half. Mostly February and March. Now she is doing radiation and she had a successful lumpectomy surgery, and has been on her feet busy busy around the home ever sense.

Everyone is practicing social distancing from each other here in our homes and using masks and gloves at all times. With such high vulnerability between my mother, myself and my gran, we have been super careful going out.

In January I saw this coming as I have friends locally who were in china and korea as teachers, people I knew from my job awhile back. And they informed me of it happening and how serious it was even then.

So I really pushed my family to be at the front of acknowledging this. When things started to shut down across the state and my mums business dried up (Mostly garments for elective surgeries) I helped them all to make a game plan and switch gears to making masks.

We then got word out through networks already in place. They went to work on making masks, and I went to work on the communication side, emails, networking, and follow up on orders and making sure orders were sent out correctly.

I only did a few hours a day but we still managed between the 4 of us, to make around 40 orders a day. (Roughly 200 masks on average). We kept this going for about a 1.5 months before we moved back to the main business once things reopened. Besides, I knew if I pushed too long and hard I would burn out again and I couldn't afford that.

Also it became painfully obvious during this process that my mother is losing her memory.

Most of my job, besides talking to people, was following her around and reminding her where she left things, labelling things, and organising things so she wouldn't forget where she put something and even that didn't always work because she would forget where labels were. Long term memory things seems to be okish so far, but it explains why its easier to get along as we go along because I am going to be in the caring place for some time, even as I struggle to care for myself.

Grandma commented on my mums memory a few times during this time, and my step dad is in denial and outlashing in anger and frustration over how different and forgetful mum is.

Spekaing of which, he seems be particularly angry at the uneasiness of the world with all the rioting. He seems to unconsciously think that I am like those people out there rioting. He has been watching news with all of us in the evening and when it comes on he just starts randomly shouting at me. It's to the point I've had to ask him to leave politely but firmly and point out that I am not those people. I am wondering if its the unsaid stuff about me being the sole owner of this property.

But here is my take on it.

I refuse to give it up. Full stop. However, I can see how he would see me as stealing.

Well if he wanted it so ironclad that the property be in all our names when the loan is ended he could have said something at the beginning. Using me at a vulnerable state I was in then, and then my mother futher using my social security without my knowledge to use my credit and name to get other things for the property has just been beyond the pale.

I haven't gone to the police because I prefer to just keep everything at the end of this anyway.

This might make me an unpopular person here, but honestly it doesn't matter to me, because my survival and a pace for my kids to come when they are adults and all the rehabilitation they will need to do when all this dust settles, its not worth arguing over.

Besides between covid and my own personal health problems, this might be my only chance ever to be an owner. I'd be an idiot to just hand it over. It's not like i'm kicking them out, nor am I lording it over them, I don't contest or imput anything on improvements, decorations etc etc. Nor when they put 2 sheds on property, or changed things around.

Also, it makes no sense for them to take over the house anyway, as I said mums memory is going, and her spending habits are artrocious, its why she couldn't afford to get this place in the first place because her credit was so bad.

And because they are married that means my step dad enables her. This way I know it will be paid because they know they will be in legal trouble if they don't because they are defacto renting even if nothing was written down that way.

So, I'm making a seat at the table of adults based on their decisions and mine. And if they don't like that, that's their problem. I've never had any say or power with my dynamic with my mother before now.

I was always the victim and always abused, i'd like to think now that I have more equal footing due to me having my name on this deed, then I have shifted that dynamic, and I will make sure they will never be displaced as long as we all treat each other like adults.

It's a messed up situation but I agreed to it at the time because honestly I didn't feel I had a choice. And I knew she was doing it because she thought she could walk all over me. She did not purchase this place *for me* or altruistically, and in fact has tried to force me through emotional abuse and triangulations and lies to my kids and ex husband for me to leave. But I am not going anywhere.

I do have some fight left in me, and i'm doing this stubbornly, because I have the right to feel safe in my own home, and they agreed to me owning this, so I will own it. If I hadn't agreed to this I would have been tossed out awhile back when they rented because how much my mother dislikes me at time.

As sad as her memory loss is, I am actually relieved because now I only deal with an understandably angry step dad, and help with my mum. So I have leaned into this in order to show them they need to lean out.

They need to rest. I help clean her house and make sure she takes her meds and make sure my step dad has dinner when she cant cook or gran doesn't feel well. And I helped covered the mortgage for a month when I spear headed the idea for the masks and followed it through that was pretty much my baby and I managed them. So I feel like I am really using this time to focus on the here and now and sort out my life for a long term practical plan. I mean what else can I do in this situation? I can default and apply bankruptcy but why would I look a gift horse in the mouth, or ruin all the lives, instead focusing on being grateful we are all working together, and having a place to live in relative peace.
2020 june update part 2

Also in some good news, I finally have a psychiatrist and therapist.

I have my first visit with therapist on 20th, and I already spoke to the psychiatrist. I didn't know this but they now have medication for PTSD night terrors, so I am starting that today. That will go along way with helping my mental health. Between the meds for mental health and the meds for physical disability, I am now well on my way to managing and coping again.

Ironically, Covid has really helped with this because of all the shut downs in medical fields I can do all my doctors appointments virtually and get the help I need, which has been such a huge blessing for me.

Speaking of covid my grandma is getting the anti-body test soon to see if she had covid back in February/march right before she had HMPV which had her hospitalised for a bit. This woman is incredible, she not only battled cancer the start of this year, but also possibly covid and another bout of pneumonia due to the HMPVirus.

More on medical news, I am getting genetic testing finally, the cancer centre found another gene mutuation with my grandma so I am now going to be tested next week for a barrage of genetic issues. This is the only area of testing I never did in the UK so maybe I will find an answer to M.E./C.F.S. at this rate I'd gladly take a cancer diagnosis or rare genetic disorder over M.E./C.F.S. anyday as morbid as that sounds. Knowledge is power and i'd happily be a guineapig for tests if it meant myself or others never had to go through what I've been going through since 2012.

Also in the medical news, my paperwork from England is being requested from my doctor, so I never needed to go through all the hoops myself or with Rocky sending stuff... I also have an advocate for my mental health/ and medical stuff who will help me with the disability process once all my paperwork is here. Any genetic stuff which I hope I have none, but if I do will help towards this process too.

Now that June is here, health stuff with my grandma has settled down and she's doing really well. Her and I have been big into cooking and baking together lately, and my mother and I have been gardening together. The AZ heat works so well to raise bread dough outside! So we have been making all sorts of fun goodies, we even ventured into the land of Japanese food and baking, and made a bunch of red bean paste buns, steamed pork buns, and baked coffee buns. YUMMY!

Also, we think one of our cats (Milo) got eaten by a coyote, because the same night Pippy came back with a piece of her tail missing and a scratch above her eye and below her chin. But Milo never returned. :( We've been keeping all the cats inside at night since then. Pippy has recovered and we sent out papers and notices and info to the local PAC, but we never found Milo. I can only hope that either it was a quick end, or that he was found by a local and is somewhere inside safe with a cat lover.

We also have monsoon season here now and we really need it as our town has a huge fire brewing on the mountains and threatening to come down into the main town, it would be a big deal if it does.

Back to the mess of the house ownership:

I think the thing with the house will resolve itself rather peacefully in the long run so I am just hanging tight and not trying to worry about it too much.

What I anticipate happening is that I will stay with grandma, as long as she lives, then by the time she is not here a few different scenario's could play out. (At her rate she will live to a 100 and I am glad for this because she brings me a lot of joy, and we have a lot of laughter in our home.) But with the cancer scare and her age and the covid going around I am mentally prepping myself for anticipatory grief because I love the shit out of her, and going through the cancer together, has been so hard.

My mums health will deteriorate with memory and we will naturally move her into an assisted living facility, that's not an if it's a when.
When that happens a few other things would happen:

1) My step dad stays here and I help care for him, while my mum is in local assisted living, and I move into the large house with my dad, and rent out the small house.

2) Both my mum and step dad need assisted living, I move them either somewhere local or with step sister.

3) Both of them need assisted living and I help mum here, and step sister helps step dad there.

4) [most unlikely scenario] My dad cares for my mum while she progresses with this memory issue and health issues, until he need help, or leaves.

I think this is most unlikely because even though they don't have the most loving functional relationship right now, mostly my step dad goals are to keep the status quo, and that for him means a stable home, peace and quiet, able to do his hobbies, and reruns of harry potter and lord of the rings a few times a week.
If he has all those things he seems happy. He doesn't have any friends out here other than us, and he isn't very helpful around the house in the form of cleaning or cooking. He still doesn't cook anything more complicated than a baked potato. So it seems unlikely to me that he would turn into carer for my mum in the long run.

In all those cases, it seriously makes zero sense for me to hand over the house. In 2 and some years my oldest daughter turns 18, and she wants to move to the USA.

I am planning to have my disability before then, and some savings by then, and most of this house will be paid off by then. Those are all my plans for future in order to be able to plan for contingency like the place isn't paid off immediately.

If my mothers health were better we could talk about my step dad owning the home, but it isn't. And because their married I cant sign my step dad on knowing he would capitulate to her. It would be a nightmare and I'd have no where to live and no one would over see grandmas care then because before it was my mum doing but she cant now.

Honestly, my grandma despite all she's been through this year, has cared more for my mum than my mum for my gran. My mum doesn't drive at all anymore or socialise with friends, and she doesn't leave the house, its very sad.

So, that is where I am with everything and the old guard moves on to retirement and dependency, and I nervously yet stubbornly hold my ground to be an adult here.

I'm still intentionally celebate and not dating in order to keep the peace. Grandma has had a full life full of ups and downs and heartache, I refuse to add to that. Not to mention I've also had similar things, and I want peace, and being single is what is best for me right now.

I am doing what I can to keep our unit together despite the complicated nature of my mum and mine's relationship; she's of little emotional damage to me lately and that trends downward over time as her illness allows us to be in the moment and simply do small things together, gardening watching tv, food etc. In the evening she gets more temperamental but I've read that memory loss elderly people can have "sundown" moments of aggression so its par for the course and she's still too stubborn to get insurance or see someone about.

It maybe that I have to get my step dad out of denial soon with the help of my gran. He will listen to her.

So that is where things are and will continue to keep ticking on. Luckily none of us have been formally diagnosed with covid, and we have a home food, and family which is a lot more than what a lot of people have had during this time.

Also both are taking out retirement early this year so their work will stop because my mother no longer can work enough to keep things afloat and i'm not going to "take away" her work too since she seems to think I already took away her home.

I know all this seems very morbid thinking but Covid has forced me to look at the hard facts and how I would survive if I suddenly found myself alone here. I need to o what I can with what small energy I have to be as independent as possible even with a severe disability.
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Bi-annual Update part 3

One last bit about Covid, I am SUPER glad I am not in London now. I was already in extreme poverty when I lived there on my own and worried about cuts to social system. Rocky told me last month he had covid from the airport he works at, which he recovered, we don't talk often but he let me know because this was serious. Anyway, I felt relief I wasn't with him or around him or in a major city anymore in poverty. I'd rather be in poverty here complications and all. Between that and the fact I'm getting help for pre-existing possible genetic issues has made me appreciate being here more than ever. I'm even appreciating my quiet non poly life. Which I never thought I would. Also it will be the first time ever I've had a qualified psychologist long term to work on my trauma that I didn't pay out of pocket or who wasn't the right fit or who was underqualified counsellor. For the first time since moving here I feel like I am in the right place at the right time.

So back to the point of rioting, I only posted on my thoughts about it from my step-dad's point of view.

Myself would be part of the peaceful protests if covid weren't happening and I weren't disabled. But I might even venture out even with disability if I wasn't immunocompromised person.

I have been part of black live matters movements in the past, when they were radical and actually took my kids to one (In day time) in Bristol UK back when I lived out there. As it stands my oldest and I talked about that this weekend, she went out to a protest and witnessed the adults who tore down the Colston statue and put it in the river, and showed me some pictures. I'm not encouraging her to be part of the anti-culture of rioting per say but I am proud of her being at the protest.

I am getting kinda tired of biting my tongue at the rhetoric my step dad is spewing about all this. And he seems to assume what I would say before I say it, so I now avoid political talk with him. My views are pretty feminist that way, and I always thought he was a liberal too but I guess not.

So my view is that this is an extremely important ttime in the history of the USA for many reasons, and that the black lives matter is somewhat getting overshadowed by poor v wealthy, other issues as well, and spin that makes it hard to suss out truth. Here's a good example, on news the other night was yet another death of a black dude "resisting" arrest who then got shot to death, very tragic. But what appalled me most was how they handled the missing police their exact words from the police were "And the two police officers have 24 hours to turn them selves in".

Like in what world would that be ok reversed? If the black man or black police officer even needed to turn themselves in for murdering a white dude, the spin would go like this: "Rogue black police officer on the run, armed and dangerous murderer. He has 24 hours until we send out armed forces". Or something like this. It's just so fucking frustrating.

And I am not black, I get it, what right do I have to say anything? I am an ally though. I have had in my past so many different friends of different backgrounds, and people I loved of all sort of creed, sex, gender, colour pigment and I've loved them all. So that's just a small synopsis of my thoughts an feelings on the matter.

Ok so I have one last thing to update, since my daughter and I live so far we have been bonding over anime together since its a big hobby of hers and used to be a passive hobby of mine. Now i'm more into it. Lately I have been critiquing anime an writing reviews on different forums and sites, and I got into a conversation on the Josei anime and how limited that tag is on a certain website to find content for adult women as the audience.

Anyway long story short they said they would publish and article and list of women focused anime if I wrote one so I said yes, and that is what I have been working on for the past two weeks. Which has been fun but hard to find content that isn't loli, waifu dolls, sexualisation or problematic, or only romance. Sigh. But I am slowly making progress.

It's been fun to be back in the art world in a new way and maybe I will pick up drawing anime and move away from classical realism. :)
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A few more updates

So, I got prescribed some anti-depressants that WORK. So this has been some really good news for me. I have lost weight in the last month, and been generally happier. Life hasn't changed much energy wise but at least I am coping better.

I had one last conversation with Rocky, we were unable to get my items back from the uk to the usa, so I asked him to get rid of them, All the important ones are here with me, and the doctors stuff I already have had sent from my old doctor to new one, and I am not needing any of the ocurt stuff, nor do I want to look at any of that again. The rest of the important stuff is with my kids, before I left, or here. I haven't needed any of these things in 3 years and I'm really sick of talking about or to Rocky.

So I blocked him all apps, got rid of his number and email and finally am strong enough to call it done. I am so happy with myself. It's been a long time coming, and I think the anti-depressants and therapist are helping.

Oh when I first got prescribed medicine they also game me some for ptsd nightmares but I had an allergic reaction to it last week, and I spent three days with an irregular heartbeat, and going to 130-135 when I sat up or moved at all. It was crazy and stopping the meds stopped the symptoms. I mean I get pots sometimes anyway off and on, but this was particularly bad and medicine induced. So I guess I will just have to suffer through nightmares occasionally. Oh well. Better than having a heart attack.

Um, as for everything mum and dad are headed on a trip soon. And I will stay here with gran. I got my gran into the Good Place, recently and she really laughed a lot with it. We have all been playing cards recently too, and we made a pie for fathers day a little while ago. I will be joining a support group for women in my situation soon too, in the next few months. Still not further updates on disability, or on anything dating as I am still not looking. I am happy for the peaceful existence I have now and adding anyone would upset the apple cart here and I don't want to do that.
Hapoy new years belatedly. Everyone. :)
I am still on the antidepressants that work. Over the last year ive been climbing out of poverty.i Started writing and let go of visual art completely. Like Rocky I had been holding on to things that weren't working for me. Once covid settles down and I finally get a vaccine and I save up money I can start looking at make new goals. So far I have completed 2.5 books in thr last uear. Thats 6 months. I have a lot of free time.
I am writing what I know. Polyamory. Reverse Harem genres. It makes me laugh to write about fantasies for most people that were realities for me. And although I wasn't quite as successful as many on here, I am finding that one day whem I get my feet under me properly and out from ubmnder my conservative families life, that poly migt makw a return for me.

A year after going no contact with Rocky almost. Our last conversation was him espousing the qualities of trump because his wealthy 10% family in usa liked them and he didn't have an actual opinion of his own. I looked at him on facetime like he'd grown two heads. If ever there was an indecisive person it was him. I suppose i am not much better.

My desire for men has come back lately which is nice but I am pretty demi sexual these days. U fortu ately the reality of my lack of income and poor health + covid means i have been simply enjoying my solitude and wondering if I will ever be worthy or have the energy and resources to pursue any relationship poly or otherwise.
Neber have i been more relieved than when biden took office. I honestly feared for all of us as lgbtq people here in the usa this last year.

Im introducing my conservative family to polyamory by letting them read my books. Hilarity ensues.
My okdest daughter will be 16 soon ans asked to come live with me. We are doing a wprk around of her being emcipated from us both instead of fighting against her fsther for control. Healing is happening slowly. I mostly help takecare of my mum and gran day to day and write. And play with my furbabies. I see a future for myself and this phase in my life isnt forever, nor what i would have chose for myself if i were able. I am hoping my writing changes that. I am not perfect writer but this is a good beginning genre for me to jump into and the process is quote similar to working on my art.

Maybe in a few years i will be able to write about being poly and in a relationship again on here for real and not in just fiction. I also have an idea of buying an rv and writing on the road. Travelling to locations of inspiration and having this place as a homebase as needed.

My next book will probably be a menage style romance/scifi with 3 women. I have so many fun ideas and i can do this around my health. Life is as good as one like me can hope.
Hapoy new years belatedly. Everyone. :)
I am still on the antidepressants that work. Over the last year ive been climbing out of poverty.i Started writing and let go of visual art completely. Like Rocky I had been holding on to things that weren't working for me. Once covid settles down and I finally get a vaccine and I save up money I can start looking at make new goals. So far I have completed 2.5 books in thr last uear. Thats 6 months. I have a lot of free time.
I am writing what I know. Polyamory. Reverse Harem genres. It makes me laugh to write about fantasies for most people that were realities for me. And although I wasn't quite as successful as many on here, I am finding that one day whem I get my feet under me properly and out from ubmnder my conservative families life, that poly migt makw a return for me.

A year after going no contact with Rocky almost. Our last conversation was him espousing the qualities of trump because his wealthy 10% family in usa liked them and he didn't have an actual opinion of his own. I looked at him on facetime like he'd grown two heads. If ever there was an indecisive person it was him. I suppose i am not much better.

My desire for men has come back lately which is nice but I am pretty demi sexual these days. U fortu ately the reality of my lack of income and poor health + covid means i have been simply enjoying my solitude and wondering if I will ever be worthy or have the energy and resources to pursue any relationship poly or otherwise.
Neber have i been more relieved than when biden took office. I honestly feared for all of us as lgbtq people here in the usa this last year.

Im introducing my conservative family to polyamory by letting them read my books. Hilarity ensues.
My okdest daughter will be 16 soon ans asked to come live with me. We are doing a wprk around of her being emcipated from us both instead of fighting against her fsther for control. Healing is happening slowly. I mostly help takecare of my mum and gran day to day and write. And play with my furbabies. I see a future for myself and this phase in my life isnt forever, nor what i would have chose for myself if i were able. I am hoping my writing changes that. I am not perfect writer but this is a good beginning genre for me to jump into and the process is quote similar to working on my art.

Maybe in a few years i will be able to write about being poly and in a relationship again on here for real and not in just fiction. I also have an idea of buying an rv and writing on the road. Travelling to locations of inspiration and having this place as a homebase as needed.

My next book will probably be a menage style romance/scifi with 3 women. I have so many fun ideas and i can do this around my health. Life is as good as one like me can hope.
I'm glad to hear you are doing so well. Meds that work are such a help! I admire your determination to keep up your creative endeavors!

It's lovely to hear from you, starlight! I'm really glad things are on the up.
I'm glad to hear you are doing so well. Meds that work are such a help! I admire your determination to keep up your creative endeavors!

Thqnks Leetah! Yes meds that work really make such a huge difference. I am thankful every day for them it took a long time to find the right ones. :) thank you for your positive words . I just cant seeing myself doijg anything else. And goodness knows ive got enough real life stories now and wrote here enough to have created one book. So i just pivoted over and now i do art only with my mum teaching her and doing it as a hobby. Weve had a lot of healijg and we both needed it. I am going to hop over to your blog and check it out next. I didnt get to read many becauae im almost 6 months behind on most blogs here.
It's lovely to hear from you, starlight! I'm really glad things are on the up.
Thank you so much Evie :) I hope things turn upward for you in 2021 with the new headhunted position. :) I still lurk here and offer my mental prayers and support to you.
I just found out a cousin died in a car crash. Thats 3 covid deaths in family last year and one non covid. The cousin is my third cousin, and only 10 years old. :(
I wish I could fly to canada to be there for my first cousin. She was really instrumental in my life growing up and like another mother to me.

Honestly the anti depressants and writing are keeping me sane.

On good news my grandma gets her covid shot next week (the one who lives with me) and they said they will give me one too since I live with her. We will still have to be wary of variants and get a booster eventually. But this is really good news.
New happy updates!

The writing is still on going, and I now have a beta readers editing my first book to publish for 2022!! My second book I scrapped after finishing the first manuscript and researched other ways to write a book. I settled on the 30 day method. I now have a quarter of book2 done, and I paused on book 2 to finish editing book 1, and work on a prequel to the trilogy. :)
I also started a book with my brother too! So all in all i've got 4 books rotating around atm in different stages of progression.

I also pivoted to digital art as a hobby this last year, I took some lessons to keep doing that and even did a book cover! I attached some of the paintings I did this year which was really fun.
It's great to do art just for the love it. And its even better to write because I can and I enjoy it and the process is so similar to painting for me.

Oh and I started a group in discord and FB for authors writing in my genre but its under my pen name so message me if interested in follow the authors there :) or you are one?

I've been running that for aw little while now. I started day dreaming about making an income with my writing passively, and I can see a clear goal before and all the things I'd do with that. <3

With my kiddos things are good. My oldest is staying in afoster carerhome instead of living out here due to being unable to renew her usa passport because her dad is being a four letter word, and the us embassy is booked out for appointments for months- the social workers have tried, i've tried...tis crazy.

Anyway, my youngest is still mad at me and not talking to me. Maybe she will come around maybe not. I miss her but i'm so glad I have Shooting Star in my life.


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Another 2021 update before the end of the year!

A year into therapy wit ha GREAT therapist, and over a year on meds work and I can *Definitely* see the return to some of my energy levels. I still have M.E. but it's a LOT milder than the combination major depression and physical illness.

I'm say I'm in complete remission at the moment of depression and about 60-70% my normal energy levels pre moving to the USA and the grief process. I'm not dating anyone still, my life is stable. Things with my mum and gran have improved. That's the other big announcement my grandma is now through cancer treatments, twice over in the last year and some, and it will come back but for now its in remission thank goodness.

I moved up my release date on my book and here is my published work! I did Reverse Harem Paranormal Romance, with some m/m involved. It's not true poly as that wasn't the market I was aiming towards but future books I will be writing more poly elements , just not this series.

You can see it here under my pen name (my pen name is a honorary of two people out in the uk who were good friends of mine, so it was my way to tribute them).

So far I've had my book out for a month and it's doing pretty well! I'm undecided on moving it completely to kindle as most my sales are on zon or not. IntotheDarkCover.jpg 'Into the Dark' on 'Zon
Interestingly my book which is mostly m/f steaminess doesn't have any correlation to my own sexuality now. I thought perhaps I was writing this at first because I missed sex with men, but then i realized I was probably just processing all my experiences in a fantastical way (no person on here or my real life was directly used in my writing of my book.) It's a very cozy tale with tropes that are similar and not similar. And a lot of fast paced fun. there are some trigger warnings but you can view that on the inside of the book if you look inside it on amazon before deciding if you want to purchase. Or you could wait because book two comes in February 1st, 2022 (book 3 in april 2022) and I am thinking of moving this to KU. we'll see, it depends if I publish on radish with this or with a different book altogether. :)

Speaking of Radish- I took this manuscript to Radish, and they *accepted me* which is absolutely fantastic.

AND with all the art I've been learning the last year with paintable I expanded into making book covers (the one above I made as well) and a company for author services just hired me to do illustrative covers! I'm finally starting to make an income that was more than my disability in England (Really that's not hard but still), and I couldn't be more proud of myself. I'm not on disability here, and I'm only seeing a bright positive future for myself. I am thinking once this place is paid off I might get a really small studio on an island somewhere, and just live peacefully on my own writing, reading, and doing art, all day every day. I really can't imagine anything happier than that.

One more note if anyone on here is looking for a little side income, I really need an editor in the year to come. I'm dyslexic and well grammar isn't my strong suit, so if that's something you are good at because I know some of you are!! (some of you are fabwriters here), please pm me. I won't need it till probably late 2022 because I have to have a bit of a stable income first and I am using beta / arc readers, grammarly and prowriting aid.
My blog is not really a reflection of my book because I realllllllly tried to be better at has, was, commas and run on sentences. But yeah the first one was the hardest for me to edit. And it still needs work.

But you just have to go out there and do the best you can with what skills you got and keep learning. I'm so blessed that every place that has hired me (be in book covers, clients or radish) are all absolutely flexible and fine with my illnesses. I couldn't see this happening even a year ago, but I've really put in the hard work and I got the right meds and right people around me now and my boundaries are even better than they were in england! Which is...saying a lot! I was working really hard out there on that, but the real litmus test was putting them up against people who knew me since childhood. So I've definitely got that down now. :)

Ah 2022 I'm looking forward to you!
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