Living Truthfully Within


Well I unpacked a lot of stuff with about my mom with my ever-reliable great aunt Honour. I miss the fuck out of that woman so much every day. <3

It was nice to touch base. I've been job hunting and resume building again.

Things with Dreamer are fine, we started talking more about my last subject's post and realised for him that responsibility = reliability. So we just changed word usage and I no longer have an issue with it.

This week he asks for time off work to come out and visit. The plan is visit for end of April/ Beginning of May. I'm excited.

I found out because of ending thing with Gamer's friend, Xavier, that during this time, and I've known this awhile, that Gamer would like to be something with me, and I with him. Mostly this was an ah-hah on my part because of the realisation I'd have to dial it back with Gamer again, and we've done that on and off over the years.

I asked him to be official with me but long distance because we're a bit far from each other. I also invited him to join this poly space here. Also, we already have for years tell each other we love each other, and generally respect and like each other. It's been a very slow thing, but I'm thinking, I could really see myself having a Long distance relationship with him in a bf/gf way parts of the year, because he has his kid and wife to think about, and I can't have certain things with him that i do eventually want in my life. :) Which is ok, and so now the things that change is I make actual saving plans to go visit him, and see him and family. <3

He's one of my inner circle peeps over the years, and very stable and loving, and it just took me a long time to develop feelings for him, and I like how it goes, there's not a lot to report there because it's just so..well routine. We talk to each other a couple times a week, and which has been moved up to a little bit each day, and we have similar nerdy/geeky interests.

I'm hoping things continue on this long term trend of less and less internal drama on myself as i continue to learn and grow and realise my people in life. And settle into comfortable poly tribe. Slowly Slowly... :)
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My best friend in college had great taste in girlfriends, we really became friends with a couple of them, but lousy taste in boyfriends, cads usually. (We actually intervened once when her boyfriend turned out to be dating another friend of ours and lying to them both. Making him talk to both at the same time was satisfying)

Tam pointed out that some people, having grown up in a dysfunctional environment, interpret heightened emotional reactions as attraction when it is actually their brain trying to say "Danger! Danger!". He suggested one friend might stop having disastrous relationships if she would stop going for people who provoked that kind of emotional response.

I wonder if you have something similar going on? After all you have deep connections to the women who raised you (which obviously does not include your mother) while I do not recall you saying much of anything about the men in your family.

I have been happy to hear how you have progressed in self regard and confidence over time. It inspires me to keep working on my own issues.



My best friend in college had great taste in girlfriends, we really became friends with a couple of them, but lousy taste in boyfriends, cads usually. (We actually intervened once when her boyfriend turned out to be dating another friend of ours and lying to them both. Making him talk to both at the same time was satisfying)

Tam pointed out that some people, having grown up in a dysfunctional environment, interpret heightened emotional reactions as attraction when it is actually their brain trying to say "Danger! Danger!". He suggested one friend might stop having disastrous relationships if she would stop going for people who provoked that kind of emotional response.

I wonder if you have something similar going on? After all you have deep connections to the women who raised you (which obviously does not include your mother) while I do not recall you saying much of anything about the men in your family.

I have been happy to hear how you have progressed in self regard and confidence over time. It inspires me to keep working on my own issues.


Hey Leetah,
I'm really glad I could help in some small way. Mostly I just love to write and have been doing it for years so it's a hard habit to break haha. But my intention is to figure out why people are the way they are including myself, so if that helps awesome :D It wasn't my intention going in, but it's really nice to know it has.

As far as the men and women differences, hmm...I will have to post another time about my dad as yeah I don't mention him or his family a lot. But it will require a novella all on its own. :rolleyes:

This morning however I am going out with my bestie, Ariel and we're going to the gym together, she asked me, so I'm taking that to mean my declaration of my feels for her did not impeded our friendship in anyway, and yay platonic cuddles! :D We're doing yoga, then walking the treadmill, then heading to get a boba tea. Nom nom.

I'm super happy about today, and seeing her, and she called me cute! <3

On the other fronts, Gamer and I are good, we didn't get to talk yesterday except for like a few minutes, which got interrupted on both our ends, as I had to do a lot of errands yesterday.

And then I spent last night in sexy chat and phone calls with Dreamer. He's very very very good at helping me stop and see the situation from his point of view. Apparently I hate the word responsibility, because I have serious issues with allowing others to help me. And so we were discussing this a lot, and how we view what we're responsible for in relationships, they have been intense conversations, but so far I think we've found a healthy middle ground. He needs to slow down his pace, I know he wants to do things for me, and has the money to do so, but I'm just not comfortable with that yet since we haven't met and although it seems like we have good sexual an emotional chemistry, we haven't yet established practical...chemistry? Consensus? I'm used to being very independent and it smarts a lot not being so here. I don't need a feed back loop from a guy that wants to shower me with gifts, if I am not interested in having those yet. It's like putting the cart before the horse for me. Plus, i'm having to come to terms with two polar opposite desires, teh desires to get entangled and enmeshed with someone, theoretically, and the desire to not be entangles or enmeshed with anyone.

He wants to commit all to me now, right away, and I want to go slow, and see how we argue before agreeing to things like, him buying me a phone :confused: I get his heart is in the right place, and its also self serving, but yeah, I'm just not ready for that. More discussions, more talks. More explaining poly vs mono, vs dependent, independent, codependent and where we are on those spectrums.

One of the biggest thing was coming clean about my various health issues, and how often I end up in hospital/doctors etc. And Dreamer said: "Star, I'd go with you, I'd sit with you, and I'd be there for you. That's what responsibility is to me, not to control you or hurt you, or manipulate you, but to give to you freely, my support."

It's hard for me to accept someone wants to do that, and the closer emotionally I am to someone the harder it is for me to accept it. :eek:

This dude seems far more responsible than any male I have dated in the past. That's...good right? :rolleyes:
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Hey everyone! Happy easter in various parts of the world for those who celebrate.

I'm just posting a quick update about some good news bulletin style:

*The other day my mom and I had a landmark good day, where we were able to be in each others company, and companiably with my arm around her on the couch while we eat dinner and watched a movie. I literally haven't reached out to physically touch her since 2015, and not on my own, like that with her in quiet bonding since I was a teenager. Yeah, so that was a big deal! I'm trying to be more and more gentle with her on bad moments to de-escalate it,

*having ways to cope like going to Yoga and being more authentically me, which now after twice mono and twice poly in the last 4 years, I am settling comfortably into poly mindset even if I have only one partner or none. Also having the right people in my life for emotional support is awesome, like Gamer, Dreamer and Ariel. I feel very loved and happy. And I'm content with the way things are. No escalator plans with anyone yet, only discussions. Ariel is the easiest because we both are fine with prioritising our guys romantically/escalatory and each other as like, emotionally/friendshippy. But we make each other super happy. :)

*Last night I had a values talk with Gamer which was really informative on how we poly differently. he wants V or triad, poly -fi type style. And I want freedom and security more alone the lines of either solo poly, that i am currently doing, or with 1 nesting/primary partner and I date others, or two nesting partners I float between. We figured out the only way it could be compromised if I was sort of a Poly-fi Y like I was middle juncture and he was with his partner, and I was with my other partner, but only one other (And also somehow connected to his partner too?). It's not all set in stone because they have migrated slowly from mono to poly. And the partner is more in line with playing with women and men are relationships (romantically). More discussions to happen.

*Then I had a convo with Dreamer and we laughed our asses off, because of something I said before. It was about the "pacing issue" which then became and inside joke for referencing everything, and we spent to midnight laughing so hard my eyes were stinging I was crying so much.
We also talked about what he wanted in a relationship with me, and I think he's very much willing to be both stable partner and enabling my desire for autonomy and freedom, something I very much value, but we'll see how it goes with mormonism. It's a very interesting set of beliefs, one I am keenly aware of how it can get tangled in ones mind.

*I'm encouraging my family to go swimming nad they finally got over the issue of my dog wandering around randomly, and my dog is now finally stopping harassing the other dogs, and mostly stays within sight of the house. It's a good middle ground. He seems to follow me or my mom around the most in the household, and go on long walks/jogs with my stepdad or me. :)


Because racial heritage and diversity conversations have been puttering around on this forum I thought i'd share my own racial diversity from my own experience in my cast of characters I've ever interacted with who either considered themselves poly now or in the past:

21 out of 30 people I know aren't strictly caucasian AND who identify as poly whom I know.... I had their ethnicities up, but I realised that might not be ok with all the people I can't actually ask permission of, and too identifying. So i'll just write it in numbers. 2 were unknown. Leaving 6 out of 30 who identify and I know are caucasian and poly.

My statistics do NOT include people who consider themselves Monogamous and never polyamorous. These are people I dated or was involved with as friends/acquaintances etc/ family etc.
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I decided to downgrade dreamer to friends. He wasn't happy with this and blocked and deleted me. I tried to be mature about it, but it was his immaturity that made me decide not to continue as more than friends. I didn't want him to spend money or plan anything until I was more certain anyway, and I realised I couldn't.

Gamer is a bit under weather. Not sure how to go about making this to real life but i'm happy for the online-ship for now. We both have priorities elsewhere but have and do enjoy each other.

Last week my health got bad again, and was in hospital for some time, apparently I pusehd myself too hard too fast. I am slowly bouncing back but sleeping a lot.

I'm now going to see a specialist.

I have no idea what's wrong but I've stopped eating a lot of stuff again, back to my strict almost-paleo lifestyle. I only eat rice an potatoes, besides vegs meat and fruit. No milk, no sugar, no wheat/gluten. Sigh. Limited red meat. No Caffeine. I lost almost 8 pounds in a week from being unable to eat before going to hospital. It was pretty bad :(

I don't know why it's turned around now but it has, and I feel better for it. The pain in my liver area was really really bad.

Sigh I feel so useless. I just want to be healthy and work. I'm this close to giving up and applying for disability to at least have some income.

The worst part of all this is I'm getting constant lectures from my mum about how I'm not contributing. And this was right after I got back from staying in the ER :( WTF is wrong with her, and why am I still letting her live here?
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Last night was SO great, In one of my top nights ever with my favouritest peeps. :D

I went out with Ariel, (my brief fling and Ariels husband) Landon, Landons current GF, Ariels current BF (of 1 year), and all of our geeky friends to dinners, drinks and boardgames. :)

I also dyed my hair which looks freaking awesome. Much much better, its a dark auburn brown now.

So far avoiding all foods this week is stabilizing my health some. I am sleeping better, and able to start doing self-care.

I have some tentative work- short midterm and long term goals if I can get the health stuff squared away. :)

It's amazing how self-care, and good friends really helps. I feel like I'm living double lives even though my family know I am poly. It's just weird becuase it's not a situation where I'd want to emotionally harm them by constantly putting it in their face, especially my grandma. mom and step-dad... They are just not that understanding, if it were my Great Aunt Honour, it'd be fine.

Anyway, I think once I start work again I will be less family-centric focused and dealt in bitesized bits I will be fine...
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So I've come up with a way to help my gran AND have my own privacy.

Tomorrow I'm applying for a call center job, since I know my last two call centers I got hired at I am fairly certain I can easily get this one. I also know I can last at least 3-4 months before a major PTSD/health issuse.

So Here's the Plan:

1) get job.
2) finish training
3) buy health care. (I am accepted to medicaid but I want to work so bad I cant stand it)
4) Sign up to a therapist that deals specifically with work based PTSD triggers and workplace anxiety, etc. Someone action focused and not process focused.
5) Continue with specialist for health care related things to continue to monitor and work towards progress with my overhealth fatigue/liver/pain issues.

After that, the next thing I save up for is a motorcycle or vehicle of my own.

And then after that, I will save for a RV/Caravan that I will put next to the my grandma's home. We have several hookups to electricity and plumbing due to the fact this was rented out to multiple RVs before.

That way I will have a door with a lock, for myself, and a space of my own. I'll be able to *have sex* again. Whoa. I'll be able to play on my computer when I'm not working an my family wont be like, omg you're playing games. And I'll be able to not be interrupted by people checking of my grandma, or coming through the door for her because I can keep my own space private. I have small needs and this would be perfect for me. Not to mention it would be perfect for future camping and travelling too for myself or kids. And also give an extra bedroom for them to visit which we currently don't have as the only other spare bedroom is a Sewing room.... :)

I'll be close enough to check of grandma regularly and far enough to have my own space if needed. Plus it solves the issues I am currently having with too much contact with my mother, so I don't get driven crazy by her. It's actually rather brilliant!

Today I took the check down to the loan, that's 7 months out of 96 in total. That's only 89 more months to pay this place off completely. Taken like that, that's not too long, and I can always help make extra payments too down the road. I will continue to do the dog training course to learn how to groom pets, but I need a job *now* and I know the hiring process of this type of job, and the pros and cons. So I think I will be fine. Plus this call centre is helping people solve problems, its not surveys or dictating.

So some short term goals. Long term goals, midterm goals... :) It's all good.

Also had a really nice convo with a lady friend who the relationship is slowly changing without words but I felt the need to say something. She took it really well and did not implode the friendship. I simply said at this time I don't have the spoons to deal in the type of relating we do. (She is very very intense and can't just chill or hang out, it always has to be serious talk, or something *heavy*.)

I deal in enough heavy so when I see my friends I want to be light and fun most of the time.

I am going to smoothie/coffee with a new lady who I met at a game thing recently, she initiated meeting up, so I am guessing she'd like to get to know me better. When doors close, others open it seems. :) We'll be meeting after yoga with Ariel on Saturday. Yay.

So far its been 5 days with less and less symptoms. I can eat again, I am not having the intense cramping. I still have pain in my liver and I still think there's an underlying issue, but right now, it's receded enough to make me hopeful I can be stable for sometime as long as I continue to avoid certain foods, probably jumping the gun with work.
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Things are getting interesting here!

Ariel and I committed to once a week yoga on either saturdays or tuesdays. :D

And she invited me back to hers, and we went to her she-cave, and cuddled and chatted about everything. I am really happy with this place this is at. It's very loving and emotionally connected with zero pressure on what we can't give and we have lots to talk about. I'm super happy when I'm around her, and I think I do the same for her.

Landon and his gf was over, I need to give her a name as we've hung out three times in the last 2 weeks as a group. And she asked us to watch a game together and Ariel dragged me into the other room herself and was like, I wanna spend time with Star. :D:D:D

Being wanted like that makes me feel awesome. And hey, i think i'm sorta poly-shipping-table-style with no angst or upsetness going on <3

Also I went on a fantabulous first date on monday. We have crazy sexual chemistry. And I am not sure it was so much as a date, as just hanging out. We went to a coffee place, closed it down, then went to a bar an closed it, then went to his place, watched a movie and fooled around a bit.

He's India indian, in IT, and because of the money /power difference between us I don't see us I don't see being a relationship other than like, FWB/ dom/sub type thing. Which is fine by me. :) I have my "group", and I have a lot of emotional connections right now that are very filling for me. I could learn a lot about life with him. He has a puppy that he just got, and I played with the puppy- so cute!

He's older, has a 17 yr old son, very chill and mature. He makes great indian tea. And we sat and had a cup at the end. I could see our hangouts being a regular thing.

And, work hunting is still going on. I need a job!

Oh the lady on weekend we didn't meet up. We talked on phone beforehand and it seems her poly had some red flags, the woman she is living with doesn't know she's dating other women :eek:
I was like..I don't think we can meet sorry!
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Just finished date number 2 with new guy. And Date number three planned for monday. :D I'm not sure I should call them dates, so much as hookups because although we're totally respectful of each other, and enjoy each others company. It really was all about the sex.

This was fine with me because of my "parallel" life right now with home life, friends and dating all seperate circles for me right now. :cool:

Plus my heart is still grieving Rocky. I am still actively working on letting him go...but its one of those it could be years if ever. :confused: :(

So I really don't have the bandwidth for more than mutual, happy fun. And this is what that is. We have great conversation, and sexual chemistry, and I we fooled around for about 2 out of the 3 hours today.

And my god, dealing with life is so much easier when I have regular sex. I really really enjoyed this and am looking forward to continuing it. :cool:

For the rest of the weekend I spent time with kiddos for first half of my day, then chilling out with family.

Tomorrow is yoga again but solo because Ariel and I are going to a thing on tuesday, and we didn't go on saturday. So no worries there. :) I still get to spend time with her at the games day on wednesday. Ahh life is good!

If this guy lasts more than a few weeks I'll give him a name here. :cool:


My laptop has been out of commission recently, so just lurking from my phone. I can't post on their replies and such. Too much hassle haha.

I am meeting up with...hmm I guess I'll give him a name sooner since this is number 3. :p Elias. One of my fav Wheel of Time chars. Haha. That'll work. Personality is similar to book character. And very independent. No yellow eyes though.

So, we're going in a car to hook up. And he offered to help pay for gas money while I travel to and from his. He's about 40 mins away one way. I forgot how far away everything is in the USA.

I also have an actual date lined up fairly soon with another OKC poly guy, we been talking for about 3 weeks and finally getting around to meeting up. Probably next week. We wanted to meet today but plans have been really up in the air today with all the people I know.

And FYI both these guys aren't caucasian.. so I seem to have no issue where I live of finding non white people to date... i seem to in fact prefer it. :p

This one I will name Julian (Yup totally going through the Wheel of Time chars hahaha).

Julian has one girl friend that is more casual, and then possibly me. He's still looking on OKC too. We been talking on phone, apparently we have mutual friend circles too since he's a local and I know quite a lot of people now in this town. :eek: So we'll see if that's a good or bad thing. I tend not to mix social circles right off the bat, so even though I know this, I wont be inviting him to any get togethers just yet... :) Later later...And apparently they both work at hte same place too. Haha. Weird coincidences. He's same age as me and very liberal progressive. And I am liking our convos.

Rocky contacted me in tears the other day. Not about me and him. His grandma is dying...but slowly, and his mum and sis are at the mercy of his uncle who is a total Narc, because his dad won't deal with the paperwork necessary with his mum for the family business. He really needed someone to talk to, so I listened. I've never seen him this upset before. :( As much as I talked about our lack of compatibility, there's a lot of history between us and I still care about him as a human being so I sat with him through this.

Things with Gamer are weird. We are at an impasse with different poly styles. So i think eventually it is a non-go. I guess I need to stop trying to give him something I cannot give. I do not want poly-fi-V.
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So my mom and dad are gone for from now until Monday. Today I sat inside the home I own for the first time on my own.

I started imagining a future where I am here by myself one day. Even if that's 8 years from now.

I was nice to roleplay this. Everything in the house is in my name and along with my mom repeatedly keeps trying to kick me out (escalated lately) I've been pondering what I'd do if worse came to worse and we argued legally about it.

I looked up some laws. I haven't signed any agreement to keep them here indefinitely. And now she's talking about abandoning the place. That she hates it here. She vacillates between these extremes.

I know abuse cycles for what they are. The worst is watching her abuse my gran, who has been sick this last week and my mom is still FORCING her with no pay, to work for her AND taking money from her. The whole situation is really rediculous and I think I am in a position to change it eventually. First I have to get myself independant.

I wanted to weigh out a pros and cons. We have good days and bad days here. I am so grateful for my mom and dad fronting hte money for this place that to contemplate this type of rebellion is making me squeemish. I suppose I could rent it out for slightly more than the mortgage and pay them off slowly. If I had two renters here and I stayed in a caravan and helped grandma get a local home (which she qualifies for) she'd no longer be abused, and I would be able ot pay them back (which is roughly 20,000.).

I know they aren't doing this for me, because they keep wanting to abandon/kick me out. I know my dad isn't like this, but a collaborator to her madness is just as bad. Her mental illness isn't an excuse. She shouldn't be treating my grandma and my self this way.

So I sit her, thinking about how this place impacts me regardless of what they do. And I will have to make hard choices again when if they time comes that something does happen. If she hits me or strikes out at grandma I will call the police and then I will evict her. Emotional abuse is jsut as bad but I usually handle that like I do a three year old, and calmly state my boundaries. I keep repeating in my head "I own this home". It helps to make me feel like I can start making choices that help protect myself, and my home, if I need to in the future.

No wonder I married a histrionics man if this is how my mother is? Did she choose me from all the siblings because she thought I was the easiest to manipulate? Morally I cant really condone evicting her because I don't want to be like her, but I also don't want to be a doormat.

I spoke to honour and Rocky about this and tehy both agree I should stand my ground. But I dont want another legal or emotional fight with family. But maybe I will have to? I hate confrontation and I hate that my mom is like this. But it is the reality. What can I do?


Ok so what really brought the breaking point here was the fact the other day my mum looked me in the eye and said "I was her daughter and her property".

Then she left for her 4 day trip and "jokingly" said, I need you to clean teh whole house since I replaced your computer charger/plug. (18$ one!).

Something inside me snapped.

And I called a Domestic Violence place. I had the crisis team around last night. And I cried my eyes out. None of the shelters were options, so, I Asked Ariel if the offer to stay with her if the situation with my mum deteriorated was still on the table. She said sure it is. And she agreed to pick me up on monday.

I will be trying, hopefully, to donate plasma (Dunno after living out of country?) For some upfront cash, and then also signed up to the DV outreach programme to get help for work, travel, clothes toiletries, etc.

I also ended thing with Elias rather abrubtly when he asked me to come around last night and I told him no, I Was dealing with a thing, when he pressured for more info I said its because of a personal issue with family, he continued to be like "I really wanna hear star". So after many times I went, are you sure? and he said "Yes I am", I started to explain.

So I started with my preface about my grandma and dad and cancer and why I was in USA in first place with out kids, he *interrupted* to tell me he just got a text from an OKC lady and was off to hook up with her. I said, well I won't be telling you anything further and I really don't have any desire to hook up anymore because you insisted you wanted to hear and you being horny is more important than you being there for a human being. So you aren't sapiosexual you're just pretending to be to get in a womans knickers. So yeah. I shouldn't have said anything, I knew going in it was Fuckbuddy/ hookup little black book material in the first place so expecting anything else was futile.

Plus he kept trying to get info about Ariel as if he could get us both together. Um no. Guess I err more on poly than casual when it comes to needing to talk about issues with guys i'm sleeping with. lol. Well, I now know that for the future. :D And also... let fuck buddies be fuck buddies in future.

All in all I've cultivated awesome friendships. And I'm super grateful to be able to get some help with all this. Also I am ready to stand on my own two feet. And I need to take care of my mental health. I told my grandma what I am doing, we're having pizza and then going swimming tomorrow. I am sure I will see her regularly. :)

I also applied to a few more jobs. Wish me luck, feeling pretty hopeful. It will be like night and day to be around Ariel and Landon who are kind, generous, happy, and productive people who really have my back like family. Ariel has been a better friend to me than many in my life, and I will do my best to give back to her.
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Hugs, Starlight.
You've got this.


<3 Thank you Evie! Your vote of confidence is encouraging :D

edited to add that later in this post is references to rape and childhood abuse this may be triggering for some, read at your own risk.

The hardest part is that I sat down with my grandma and I said, you see the way she treats me and you an its wrong. We are like slaves to her. She takes your money, your car, my Social Security number, she does questionable legal behaviour. She makes excuses. She throws tantrums, she abuses her medcine from doctor either by missing or double dosing. She uses all these excuses to harass and anger her husband, and she makes you work when you're running a fever. It's not ok, you need to leave too.

And she won't. :( But I know she wont allow me to get community services involved. I am at an impasse. Sigh. We are going to de-escalate the situation by sorta lying. We aren't facing my mother down. The most danger we are all in is when I leave, so I am doing it just when she gets back, and with friends around, and we're framing it as me "gaining my independence" rather than leaving her abuse. I'd love to tell her she's a hateful bitch but it'll get me no where and it'll make life much worse for my gran. She cried and we held each other and I told her we're still going to be seeing each other a lot and I promised to come spend the night once in awhile. I told her I think of her as my mom and that she raised one daughter right and that none of this was her fault. She didn't cause her kids to be this way, and she has done right by me.

I also spoke to Honour today, and she encouraged this step. The tricky part is getting all my legal paperwork here when it's in a safe, and my bank card that is on my mom. I might have to go through my Step-dad he'll be more willing to help without asking why. Dont ask why they have my things the stuff I have allowed to happen to me becuase I seem incapable of standing up to my mother is very frustrating to me too. I know its a part of the PTSD and also sort of like stockholm-esque syndrom with my mom.

But you have to understand:

And here's the story about my dad finally. My dad was one part of a generational Catholic subculture of abuse. His dad raped and abused all the 13 kids in their family. And taught the boys to watch, be raped, and rape their sisters. By the time I Was born and went to visit my dad in canada. And everyone on my dad's side knew about the rape and had been exposed to it and also silenced. I have no idea how big the ring was. I have no idea how many people it affected. I do know two of my uncles went to prison for it. I also know my dad contacted me in 2014/2015 asking me to forgive him and his uncle and put my uncle on the phone (who was dying) and I told them both to fuck off and never speak to me again. I have never introduced my kids to anyone in that family. And I have been to extensive therapy because of this horrible aweful family secret. The fact my bio dad's mum (paternal grandma) knew and left me alone with these people.....AND The fact my aunts and uncles knew and chooe to continue to allow these people to rape as adults but never once protected me, sickens me.

So, for me, my mother was the sane one.

Does she have her fucking issues? Yes.

But she didnt rape me, and she didnt intentionally leave me with rapists (She had no idea and would have never let me go if she did), and she actively tried to get out of any further abusive situations , up until I was thirteen and then i was a threat to her.

She has her own special issues to deal with this, but it was a measure of degrees of bad.


So for me to acknowledge and say both my parents are abusers IS really hard for me. Especially since I see my mom as a saviour from my bio-dad's family.

So, this isn't easy for me to do. But doing it I am.

And there you have it people. My fucked up past.

At least I changed one set of peoples history. My kids. My ex is actively working on his diagnosis of histrionics, and my daughter is getting the treatment she needs. And none of them as far as I know have experienced rape, or witnessed it. I pray they never will. And it's because of me and police and court and social workers that he's changed. Or trying to. Or putting on a mask. Who knows.

But I cannot have stood up against all those abusers and then turn around and be a doormat now.

I just can't. And that is the reason I have PTSD from my dad's family. From their sick twisted messed up history who in their own way were victims. And its complex because the patterns keep repeating themselves until I learn all the lessons I need to in order to stop them.

I feel like my mum is the longest and last one.
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Onto happier subjects. I signed up to a Narcissistic support group on meetup. And I made an appointment on friday with the DV outreach services to get support towards managing appropriate boundaries, getting help with work and therapy and getting my financial life unentangled.

I have spent the entire day today cleaning the large house as my mum left it in a tip before she went off for four days and I couldn't stand to look at it / smell it, icky.

There was dog poo on the floor, and dirty dishes, her over was covered in identifiable goop. I did 5 loads of laundry. I still need to mop the floors but I swept 3 times already and its still got dust motes and dog hair flying around. It is so much easier to keep on top of a thing rather than leave it and have to come back to it.

Got my charger, and I've definitely done more than 18$ of work. Next is their bedroom with open drawers, piles of clothes clean and unhung scattered around the room, then the office, that has stacks of paperwork strewn everywhere.

My gran agreed to take care of my fur baby until I get my own place. I wont have a car or income yet, but one step at a time. I was hoping to leave after I had a job, and car but this is my best opportunity, so it doesn't escalate to drama.

Tomorrow is packing, tidying and putting up my room, and narrowing down what to take with me.

I have very little worldy possessions as most are still in boxes with Rocky in the UK, And I came over with 1 large suitcase and a carry on. So I am not worried. IT has a different feel and flavour to when I left my ex-husband in a similar situation. for one its not nearly as bad (Yet), and two, its one I've been trying to work through on and off over the years. I read a lot of self help books in 2016, and worked through

"A woman in your own right", and "Will I ever be good enough?" "Toxic Parents", etc etc. But no amount of theory can prep you for the work needed to do the actual follow through in person.

So props to my self for recognising it fairly quickly for me. It took me 5 years to see through my ex hubs BS. And I only gave my mum benefit of the doubt because of Rocky an I wont let anyone ever talk me into trusting her again. But this home, my home, I am going to call Lady. She will wait for me, patiently, while I move onto other things. If my family move I'll rent it out, or live in it myself and Rent on the property other people. If they stay the laws I looked up says they are tenants regardless who pays and if it's only verbal agreement.

I am taking the wheel, getting out of the back seat and driving now.

And I have the awesome support and friendship of Ariel and my Aunt Honour. Despite how this place went down I think life is ok. :)


Thanks Opal! Congrats again on the move!

Speaking of move, I just got all settled in with Ariel and Landon since Monday.

I'm having some issues today with relating to Landon. He's gentle and kind but has a domme/kink side in bed which is why we ended things, and because he wasn't feeling it either. But for me that was suppppperrrr triggery. And I didn't factor that in when moving so i'm having some uncomfortable anxiety that I only just put 2 and 2 together.

I'm unsure if I should say anything about it. On one hand it isn't his fault, per-se, he didn't know that was my kink and he's new to dating new people other than wifey, so he thought all women would be ok with his style of kink. And also it was an entire year ago. So I had forgotten about it till I Was around him.

So it went like this: I am in house alone with him, I think about the event involuntarily (PTSD memories are sometimes involuntary and intrusive). I go, OH! That's why I'm weird around him and not his wife, especially alone. Then I go, well. What do I do about it? This is an issue regardless of that one particular event, with men for me. (because of my ex-husband being so violent)
I also had this general on edge anxiety that permeated my living situation in UK with the renters I had.

I'm not sure what to do about it. I know part of CBT is exposure therapy. Maybe it's time to look up that EMDR, and see if I can get access to it somehow for free. Unlikely but you never know till you try.

I'll ask the people on monday about it.

OK! updated to add I just wrote him a text briefly explaining my anxiety and that its not his fault. Yup all good! And I made a game plan that if I continue to feel completely this level of anxiety after I adjust to the move and trauma from that, about being here, then I'll go into a all women's shelter because being around men in a home might be too traumatic for me right now. But because I mostly successfully did it in UK I think I'll be ok here.

There, now I have a plan to deal with the anxiety. In the mean time I'm doing cups of tea around him, because I didnt have this issue with some men, like Rocky. So I know I can and will get past this. And also I'm doing thes thoughts over top of intrusive thoughts "Landon is not ex-hubs. He is a safe male, he has never been unkind or unsafe to me. His lack of sexual experience was not malicious, and he's been totally respectful of my boundaries since."

It's really frustrating my brain wants to demonise men all the time :( :(

Other than this though, I am adjusting well. It is peaceful and we're all gamers and we like tv an games and introvert time, and I am happy here in every other way. There's clear expectations and boundaries and I am not pressured into anything, I started looking for work and Landon came up today and was like, "Star just rest, you been through a lot" I can see my anxiety is making him worry. I know I look like shit today haha, the mile walk in heat up the hill helped my mental state and physical state but also wiped me out...I've been a bit sick from stress.

But I know this is just adjustment stress and acceptance stress from my mum Later when I have the energy i'll write out about leaving the home. Gah. She's..just such a narcissist :( I am working on my own narcissistic fleas I picked up from learning life from her.

One thing at a time. First. Deep breaths. Most of this will get sorted on Monday and doesn't need to be sorted *RIGHT NOW*. My friends want me to rest. So maybe I will just go do that self care.
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Where to begin.

More applications sent in to places. More resume building for specific applications.

Spent an hour crying in shower, then got ready and felt better. Also took a little nap. Spent the morning talking to my girls and playing games. Did some cleaning. Now i'm chilling.

Got a date lined up for friday a night. A romantic walk in a canyon nearby, that has a lot of interesting eclectic bars/pubs/places to poke around in.

Been talking to two guys on OKC. the new format will take awhile to get used to but I rather like it. Takes the pressure of replying unless I physically like them, and I think I could get used to it, even if it feels a bit sexist. Does it work both ways I wonder? If the culture was women approaching men would they ever see my messages? Thats how I met Rocky and Ariel/Landon, was me messagining them.... :rolleyes:

Finally unpacked and made the room my own.

Saturday day I am going to a festival and painting at it. It's a free festival and looks like fun.

On Sunday I have a girly evening planned, movies and popcorn.
And Sunday morning a skype sessions with Rocky about his ongoing situation with family. We're both joining therapy and support groups for similar situations in family dynamics and as I come to term with my abuse he's come to terms with his. It's been a long time coming.


This morning is going good. Last night after weekend shenanigans I spent time with Ariel, Landon and Sasha (Landon's GF). We watched the last two harry potters, and made vegan dinner together. It was fun. :)

The painting was...not well thought out enough because I didn't account for standing in the sun with over 100 degree weather for hours on end. So instead since I'm borrowing the car this weekend decided to do other more productive things (this event wasn't paid but volunteered and I just bowed out, it wasn't like I was on the papers/flyers and really it would have been easier to not say anything and just gone and painted on my own- which I may do at future ones.) Because it's a lot more about practice than it is organising/being known. I didn't want to advertise or have people ask for my card. I have other priorities right now. I want different work. A 9-5, or something similar.

So, I spent the morning and afternoon at the library instead. They had a tonne of resources for resumes/job hunting, and combined with knowledge from the course I did last summer, I scouted the area within biking distance for all available jobs.

I am relaxing into Landon's company, though I still have some triggers from my brief time with mum. Last night I woke up in a night terror that I was sitting in the small cottage with grandma, and my mum was in the living room and constantly asking me a stream of questions as to what I was doing. Who I was talking to, why I didn't want to talk to her or engage with her. Making jealous remarks, etc. It seems silly saying it here, but it really was quite panicky. I then relaxed realising I was around my people.

Here's some awesomeness that maybe many take for granted day to day that I get to enjoy here.

-To have my personal items respected with appropriate boundaries.
- asking to come in my room if something of theirs in their (printer for example)
- Cleaning up, cooking, and sharing / refilling items without asking, and automatic "taking responsibility, can do attitude".
- Respect for each others time to socialise and time alone.
- Respect and automatic knowledge with out any drama of poly lifestyle, of us all being adults and having our romantic interests around.
- Offering to help each other and support one another without any strings, conditions, or childishness.
- Similar sleeping, eating, healthy lifestyle habits.
- All similar social circles and ages. Similar interests geeky, board games, fitness, good food/walks.
- Fluid use of each others space, a sense of, yes I can tell you need time with partner(s) and each equally getting the same autonomy and respect.
- Not to be ridiculed, called pet nicknames from childhood that I have repeatedly asked not to be called, not to be called names, not to be used, not to be treated like free labour, not to be constantly focusing on the dysfunctional and painful relationship between my mum and me, not to have her interfere and sabotage my relationships with people like my kids. This has improved our situation greatly.
- not have to worry about abuse tactics or cycles, not have to worry about "grey-rocking", with my mum, so I am more naturally me now with a full range of emotional display.
- not have to conform to a childlike version of myself because of my families inability to accept this version of me, never out right said so many different small ways. Not have to hide aspects of who I am.

Ariel told me yesterday how much she enjoys having me here, and we just hugged each other for awhile. It was so nice. :) I feel super happy and accepted here, and I know it won't always be sunshine and roses right now it's pretty good. She even spoke of the possibility of me staying longer, but paying after I get work. Hey that'd be awesome! :) It'd be hard for me to find a roommate situation as easy as this one for me.

Also I realised maybe a simple and obvious reason that perhaps I have been experiencing liver and or intestinal problems. Besides eating all the wrong foods at my bio-families the last year, I also, have been taking asprin, tylonol and ibuprophen for years regularly because of the ME/CFS diagnosis and the osteoarthritis. So I have scaled back my use DRAMATICALLY since the hospital visit. I just had an ah-hah moment going, omg what if I did this to myself with the medicine my doc in UK gave me, and prescribed for years???? :O I realised I need to continue pilates and do my best to endure the pain with mindfulness and deep breathing and things like pacing and pool/hot tub/ sauna. Etc. Yeah, it's been helping. I'm still avoiding caffeine, alcohol too. And I decided I will get baby asprin only for awhile as tylonol and ibuprophen are the ones I took most of over the years.

So far I am coping. Being in a dry warm climate helps a lot as my symptoms in the USA are a lot less than in the damp cold of the UK. :)
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